Thursday, December 24, 2009
my nice high temps plummeted last Friday. AF arrived earlier than I expected on Saturday. by Sunday I was bleeding more than I ever had, complete with clots. early miscarriage? yeah, all signs point to it.
i'm back to feeling like I'm stuck with a broken body. estrogen dominance is now wrecking havoc on my luteal phase and causing implantation issues. the huge fear of running out of time is looming over me.
and once again the acupuncturist brought up the "elephant in the room": another surgery for the endometriosis.
it's been 12 or 13 years since my last lap. i'm pretty much asymptomatic except for the fact i can feel every centimeter of my large bowel (painfully so) and my estrogen remains through the roof.
I'm benched for this cycle as we try and balance things out and await the complete hormone panel. and though i don't want more downtime, i know that my acupuncturist is right about the surgery. so much so, i'm going to call my gyn right now for an appointment to talk to him about it, and see if he would be willing to go in for a third time.
i had so wanted to be able to tell my parents they would be grandparents for a gift this holiday. sometimes i think wanting something so much just seems to make it impossible.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
that said, in the midst of this uber-high stress atmosphere, we are on CD11 and trying to do one really well timed IUI with the midwife this time around. that is, if my LH surge would behave and show up. my poor CBE fertility monitor has been completely bamboozled by the happy shift in my hormones (hello, estrogen!) brought on by the massive amounts of red clover infusions i've been consuming. the darned thing is just reading "high" fertility all the time. my 10 pm OPK tests have been annoyingly stark white, even with my 10 am OPKs starting to show a hint of a line.
add to that that my my temp jumped this morning, and i was convinced that i somehow missed ovulation. at which point i reminded myself that hello, my cervix was not high until today, and the EWCM is still scant. though, there *is* EWCM already -- even when my cervix was low and firm. lovely stuff. this i completely credit the massive amounts of oat top infusions and FertileCM i've been ingesting. :)
today's 10am OPK is darker than yesterday's, and yesterday's was darker than Wednesdays, and Tuesday's was stark white. i think it is coming, just slowly. and maybe i'm drinking too much water between my 6 pm pee and 10 pm test. but darn, i'm thirsty! and there are herb infusions to consume!
keep your fingers crossed that tomorrow or Sunday's mid-day OPK is a super strong positive i've come to expect.
in the meantime, i've got to do some yoga tonight to calm myself down.
and stop checking my top desk-drawer where my 10am test is stashed to see if it is suddenly darkening to a strong surge
Monday, November 9, 2009
this cycle seems to be off to a good start, except for a few hiccups at the moment. most interesting was that my fertility monitor started the month (CD7) with giving me a "high" fertility reading. wow, have never gotten that prior to ovulation before! looking at the test strips (event though they say not to) it was clear it was because my estrogen was high.
of course the monitor did completely miss my LH surge yesterday. this is why i double test with OPKs, folks. had a nice strong surge yesterday at noon that held steady until 10 pm. by this morning it passed, so the clueless fertility monitor just kept reading high, even though estrogen was starting to lighten up.
the only question i have right now is whether i actually ovulated last night. temp jumped from 97.3. to 97.7 this morning, which is below my "usual" coverline, but last month, i wondered if my coverline hadn't dropped a couple points thanks to the winter temps. also, a pretty pathetic ovulation jump for me, and given the last couple cycles as far as LH surge and timing to O, it was a wee bit quick. way to make me worry madly about timing the IUI next month, silly body.
cervix is still high and soft this morning, with lovely EWCM. day three of amazing EWCM. i'm so proud of my old cervix finally getting into the grove of things here.
i suppose tomorrow will tell me what happened, and i'll just have to figure out things from there for next month. just makes me crazy nuts if i'm switching to a single IUI for the cycle. though trust me, my checkbook loves the idea.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
so after a near-crying session with the acupuncturist last night, she talked me away from the edge of my looming depression and we formulated a "Plan B" for next cycle. i want to try an IUI again. The trick is finding someone around here who will do it unmedicated.
i called one midwife's office this morning, was treated rudely and told, "a nurse might call you back". 6 hours later, no call back. gah. make appointment just to go in and talk? have no clue.
found an email address for the second name acupuncturist gave me and just sent a note off to her explaining my situation and what i'm looking for. if we could please have a collective group of crossed fingers out there, i'd appreciate it.
Single Hussy needs to get back to being Single Career Gal
Thursday, September 24, 2009
and was reminded i should really post an update by the sudden wave of exhaustion which just hit me like a ton of bricks. first day of this, so let's keep fingers crossed it means what it did last time.
as for "other signs" (for those who like to play that obsessive game), nothing but my normal luteal phase signs. i ovulate and and bam! i need sugar and carbs, STAT! as in, i will puke if i don't get vast amounts of carbs in my diet. in fact, i'm kind of hoping that the exhaustion isn't simply the result of me nibbling from junior mints this afternoon. don't tell my acupuncturist, 'kay? i figure if the body is screaming for a mainline drip of sugar, i need to placate it a little bit.
only thing else i've noticed this time around is the quantity of food i'm eating. holy, maloly, i don't eat this much. and definitely shouldn't. but somehow right now, a giant green smoothie, an egg, and a bowl of oatmeal is the perfect breakfast, and will hold me over for approximately one hour and forty-five minutes before we need to start thinking of second breakfast.
if my feet start growing larger and sprout hair, we'll now it's just the inner hobbit i never knew i had taking over.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
so massage last night, then home to insem. tonight will be acupuncture, then home to insem.
i cannot tell you how much i really want this one to take and be the one....
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
on the bright side, i'm still surging at 11.45 am. i also had a positive surge at 6.30 am when i got up and my CBE fertility monitor went from nothing to oh hey, ovulation! in mere seconds a well. first time it has done that, which is reassuring, though i would have liked it if it gave me a day of oooh, you're getting close in there.
i'm hoping my temps are merely mimicking last months wackiness. had a nice strong spike to just below my cover line this morning. ideally, they will dip tomorrow, and then give me a nice spike over cover line the next morning, so ovulation will be sometime tomorrow. i'm a wreck it's going to be today since i am surging so strongly. but who knows, maybe this is all the healing of the old body and getting hormone levels back in balance. 40 year olds aren't supposed to have strong LH surges (or at least should time insemination with the first weak positive), but wow, wish you could see these! oops, wait, you can:
sorry for the blur. wanted to get close so you could appreciate that twice as dark test line. fingers crossed that timing of insem late tonight after massage and tomorrow night is on the ball. and these new swimmers are up for the challenge that my eggs present.
now if the acupuncturist would just call back so we can juggle when they want tomorrow nights appointment since this is all happening a couple days sooner than expected.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
something you may not realize is that i don't exactly have access to hot and cold running sperm around here. i can have access to frozen sperm, but that's all based on a shipping date. oddly enough, that shipping date is usually based on when you are supposed to be around as well.
if you are going to go with the whole when i damn well feel like it option, we've got a problem. a problem that keeps costing me an extra $40 a month as i panic and call the purveyor of said frozen sperm to over-nite us the goods. yes, i realize they are nice, and very used to me right now, but really, you are trying my patience.
let's try and get our act together, okay?
in news other than my mid-morning pee stick showing a darkening surge line, i did find another donor, and am rather psyched about this one now. good to know my commitment skills are still as skittish as ever. I decided to re-search the whole catalog for my criteria of ethnic/height/eye color preferences instead of first looking at the back-up team i had previously put on the bench. oddly enough, only one of the previous back up players even caught my eye this time, and former #2 was now a distant #5. i instead had two brand new (really, new donors made available) possibilities vying for that top slot. i went to bed that night, wondering how i was going to choose, and figuring i would have to ask for a count comparison from the bank the next day.
except for when i sat down the next day to reread both profiles and knew without a doubt which one it was going to be. interesting choice, and i'd love to talk about some of the features, but then i feel that's kind of just ... weird? crossing a line? ... in a blog where other SMCs making choices are surfing. i'll just throw it out there that i'm open to sharing notes and specifics, but will probably keep that to a private email.
so the new "donor-in-law" (as Tank has now been dubbed by my mom) will be arriving tomorrow. a dark blue line had best not be arriving before then.
oh, but yes, the CM is clearly in the way of shaping up into EWCM loveliness. wow. two months in a row of multi-CM days. which helps me segue into my next little announcement. Fairhaven Health has approached me and invited me to do some product reviews and give-aways of their products here. since i have actually been quite impressed with the results from the FertileCM supplement (seriously, fertile quality CM on a clomid cycle? this goes way beyond evening primrose oil alone!), i have agreed. besides, i think it would be a blast to pass on some goodies to other readers, and get the word out in the SMC community. we seem to be facing so many hurdles as is, i'm all for sharing the stuff that makes it easier on this path.
so that's the state of the Hussy for the moment. looking toward a couple hot -- or is that frozen? -- dates with some new vials before this week's end. every month, the stress about this seems to get less and less. or maybe i'm more used to it. whatever the case, bring on the calm!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
no huge rise in my temps. just a steady above coverline, with maybe a slow climb. my uterus feel "full" and twitchy the past couple of days, and i have my usual luteal phase bloat going on. the salt and vinegar crisps are probably not helping with that, either. boobs may be getting sore, or i just poked them too hard this morning, always difficult to tell. tired, which seems to be par for the course, and focused and stressed at work right now so my neck and shoulders are overly tight and sore. to the point that i had to go in for an emergency massage last night. i may be going back to weekly massages for a while just to help with all the stress that seems to be floating about, and i am trying desperately to ignore.
i did have an amazing acupuncture session on monday with a different doctor covering for my usual doctor. the two partners had met over the weekend with my chart, so she was all up to speed on everything i had been doing, and had lots of questions to clarify things. she was completely amazed that after 21 years on BCP my period came back at all, never mind right into a regular cycle (my first 3 cycles after stopping were 33 days, 29 days, 28 days). she looked me in the eye and said, i believe you are super fertile.
this is why i'm listening more to alternative treatments rather than REs. not because it is hope that may be false, but rather that it is about belief, and balance, and listening to each individual body. the only reason i ended up with an RE is because i was single. but i was treated from the first second like i was "broken". and if i couldn't get pregnant in three tries with all their drugs, then i was very broken and all hope was gone. especially given i had a number attached to me: 40.
i refuse to believe i'm broken. for the first time ever in my life, i feel healthy and alive and full of potential. the only thing we got standing in my way is access to fresh sperm. i'm beginning to think that that alone should not be an RE issue.
Friday, August 21, 2009
considering how wonderful things looked last night, and not even being able to reach my cervix this morning, i decided forget getting the tank refilled. i was just going to have to be a bit late to work this morning because i had some important baby-making to do.
up in the air on whether to do round tonight or tomorrow morning. probably tonight. that better be a damn lively egg that got shoved out! hear me, egg? i want you alive beyond the usual time frame and waiting for the boys to get up there.
i swear, if i have to do this again next cycle, i'm just listening to my cervix and CM and those OPKs can get lost.
in the meantime, CAN WE PLEASE ALL CROSS FINGERS FOR ME?
(this freak-out has been brought to you by the letter O and the numbers 97.2 and 97.9)
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
temps are staying low which is a big improvement over CD5 last cycle. starting tomorrow, i can start being afraid of tank wrangling.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
these days, i've turned into a dithering idiot. last cycle: call back, schedule shipment. call bank again, reschedule shipment for earlier. call bank day of shipment and cancel.
this cycle: call bank, schedule shipment. call bank day of shipment and reschedule to ship one day later but with overnight shipping for better charge life.
i swear, i am ready to strangle myself and my inability to make a proper, thought out decision and stick with it. never mind the fact i'm not concentrating or focusing at work and am always popping on to google to check out one more article on IF, and research another possible supplement. goddess help me when i get pregnant and baby-brain sets in. the TTC-brain is driving me up the wall already.
welcome to CD4. please keep your fingers crossed for an ovulatory cycle that has a follicular phase that lasts more than 6 days this time. and BTW, have switched off the DHEA (back acne is driving me bonkers, as is the increased hair shedding) and am trying the soy isoflavones (120 mg) for CD3-CD9. let's see if it is the pseudo clomid...
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
yesterday morning, i had a mild heart attack as my BBT jumped from a 97.6 to 98.2 -- nicely over my coverline. except that we were on CD6. i nervously figured maybe my allergies were bothering me, or i was sick. still, in talking to the bank yesterday with the when to ship question, i asked the all important, what happens if i have an anovulatory cycle? they said shipping back was not problem, so i felt better.
until this morning when my BBT registered at 98.4.
for those who like to play along at home, let's look at this cycles temps so far:
97.7 / 97.8 / 97.3 (nice, looking good here) / 97.3 / 97.6 / 98.2 / 98.4
it doesn't look like an anovulatory cycle with the ping-pong ball bouncing all the hell over the place. instead it looks like a nice strong ovulation. a week early.
i should probably add to the discussion that this past menstruation was the most pathetic excuse for a period ever. TMI warning: 2 days light brown spotting. again with the WTF. i had a chemical pregnancy. shouldn't i at least get a decent flow? never mind the fact i haven't had a red, strong period since beginning this craziness back in March.
(and yes, before you ask, i did another HPT this morning just in case and because i'm on all these not-while-preggers supplements. BFN, so it's not that.)
i'm blaming clomid. it's the only thing i can figure out. i went from lovely normal, regular cycles to pathetic, limp ones. i know it can completely dry you out and thin the uterine lining, so that has to be what happened. my previous "break" month back in May was a bit scattered and not that great. besides, i get to blame the clomid for the raging back acne which is only now finally starting to subside.
which means, i think i'm calling the bank again in a couple hours and telling them that we are having to scrub this month. i had been thinking i should give my body a month break after the clomid to get a "normal" cycle back under its feet. i think my temps are just confirming what was in the back of my head, and i need to slow down with the omg it's now or never! i must get pregnant! rush.
but if anyone has some insight or theories or can reassure me things can get back to normal and that the 4 cycles of clomid didn't blow out the last remaining eggs i had, i would really love some feedback.
i keep grasping at the small positives: my skin is amazing right now (hasn't been like this since i was a teen -- yeah i had gorgeous skin as a teenager), my hair and nails are growing like weeds, my body feel wonderful, and my boobs are up another cup size. i'm not sure if the last one is a positive or not, since i'm kind of at a loss with what to do with them, but i figure its a sign that somewhere, some hormone is happy and making my body at least look all fertile.
in the meantime, focusing on my yoga breathing and doing a heck of a lot of forward bends today to combat the stress of this all.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
ETA: ah, never mind. just called the bank again (who, me, paranoid?) and changed the shipping. body, do whatever the heack you want, when you want. the swim team will be here on saturday.
by the by, it's just now sinking into my head that i was pregnant last month. or sorta pregnant. just for a whisper and a second. but i was.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
boobs still crazy kill-me-now sore.
still insanely tired.
period is missing - this is luteal day 18. (CD30)
no sense that AF is is approaching. nothing. nada. not a cramp or twinge in the tummy when i eat.
my house smells like i have been cooking rice (i haven't), so phantom smells are p and running.
C-R-A-Z-Y dreams last night, but then, when do i not have crazy dreams. still, can remember tons of details on these.
i still feel like i need to eat a giant bag of salt & vinegar crisps a day.
temp this morning was 98.2 again.
massage therapist tonight commented by hips were really warm, which is different for me.
i'm chalking this up to being pregnant for a nanosecond, and that sometime tomorrow, AF will arrive. of course, i said that to myself last night, but whatever. i finally obtained my copy of The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth (hey, it's a straight girl doin' it on her own best guide, too!). also think i located a tank refill location. geared up and ready for a do it yourself special next cycle.
of course when that will be, who the heck knows!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
i don't want to test because i know i'm not. besides, i did test last Thursday (11dpo -- yes, it was a sensitive test) and nada. i started back on all my "not while pregnant" supplements. i did skip them today figuring that would help AF show up.
i'm dead exhausted these day. i can be awake for about 4 hours and then require a nap that turns into 2 hours of hard sleep. my entire weekend was spent in that 4 hour/2 hour cycle. but this is a sign of nothing other than a) it's summer (my body hates summer and tries to hibernate), and b) my allergies (hello uber-wet weather!) are trying to kill me.
my nipples are sore. i've never had sore nipples. i've had sore boobs (they're kinda tender now), but nipples have never been raging angry omg-you-touched-me-i-give-you-pain-back! sore. i must have a good progesterone level this month. it. is. not. a. sign.
it does not matter i spent money on another month of supplements, and supplies for at home insemination. or called and compared numbers with the bank. or scheduled LASIK surgery for next month which can not be done if pregnant. i can wave all the red flags i want at fate, but i have to keep my feet on the ground and remind myself it did not happen this month.
i think my cervix just gave me a ping. AF must be getting close.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
by tuesday morning, i pretty much woke up with the decision in my head to try the home insemination for a few months while focusing on acupuncture. after all, it can't hurt, right? i relistened to the Choice Moms podcast on the subject, just to make sure i had my numbers right on sperm viability (yes, 12 to 24 hours for frozen sperm with vaginal inseminations; 6-8 hours for frozen then washed IUI). needles to say my acupuncturist is over the moon with my decision.
she was also rather pleased to hear that yes, for the first time with certainty, i have achieved easily identifiable fertile CM. the things you get excited about in this process, right? i told her of the timing disaster and the lack of any clear LH surge. i decided that it was the FertiliTea i started drinking this cycle -- i think vitex/chasteberry is just *not* for me. especially once i did more reading and confirmed that yes indeedy, it lowers FSH *and* LH be reducing estrogen. this would explain my skin deciding to break out again the past couple of weeks. baby, i need the estrogen, and the FSH/LH around to do their job.
oh, and on this second IUI this cycle, i did have some spotting. dr. G, the acupuncturist seemed pleased with that until i explained to her that it is normal, and the nurse i had was not the best. but, most interesting of monday was that when i woke up, cervix was waaaaay up high. by afternoon, it had dropped significantly. i don't know if this is a sign of okay timing after all, or my "hey, sailor, new in town?" cervix not liking the less than graceful approach of the nurse that day.
still lacking is a clear temp spike. we had that awesome dip to a temp lower than any prior temp ever on sunday. but no jump above coverline on monday. in fact today (thursday) is the first day for me above coverline. sure, i's just gone up since sunday, but i still say something funky happened with ovulation or lack there of. i'll just have to see how the rest of my temps pan out this cycle.
but i've pretty much decided i'm not in a 2ww at this point. and i m going to blow off my bloodwork for progesterone and the beta as well. why pay $200 for a screwed up cycle? heck, why pay $200 for *any* cycle. after all a) i know i don't have progesterone issues, so i don't care about that test, and b) you'll know in two weeks whether you are pregnant or not. after reading horror stories about some "beta dances" with the obsessive tracking of the number, i don't really care to join in. if at some point i do get pregnant and the beta drops, then i'd rather miscarry that way naturally rather than having to go in for blood draws and worrying what the numbers are.
it's so strange. i'm usually such a good patient, and the first to jump on board with a doctor's suggestions. but for this i'm being all touch-feely airy-fairy. maybe it's my attempt to make this as close to "natural" and "normal", despite the fact i'm going it alone. i wouldn't be going through all of this if i had a partner unless it was past the 1 year of trying with no luck point. why add in one more level of stress in something that is doubly stressful already for single women.
so there we are. and i feel really, really good with my decisions.
(and yes, i know, if by some funky miracle of crazy miracles i end up pregnant on this screwed-up cycle, it would be so cool. it's a fun thought, but i'm not making any wishes about it.)
Monday, July 6, 2009
literally 5 minutes too late. ::insert fouls language here accompanied by massive crying jag::
as i was curled up sobbing on my bed, ranting at the unfairness of the universe, i was really reminded about what sucks doing this on your own -- there is now one there to hold you as you lose it. there is no phone call you can make to someone who really totally gets it. it just completely and totally sucks. and makes you cry all the harder and rant at the universe for additional reasons.
so i went in for the hopeless IUI part deux. the nurse gave me a coupon for a free 300 pen of Folistim that i can use with the Bravelle protocol for the next cycle. that is, if i decide to jump right into medicated.
i came home and curled up with my laptop and a box of Kleenex and started comparing length of viability on ICI vs. IUI prepped post-thaw samples. the 4 hour window my IVF lab is giving me for their IUI prep makes me find it pretty flipping impossible that anyone can time an IUI correctly and have it be successful. i know i heard that the ICI samples do better - maybe even up to 24 hours. so once again, i got to thinking.
maybe i'll wait a few cycles before jumping into the injectables. yes, my ovaries suck and have hardly any eggs. but clearly, for the 18 months i've been off the pill, i am ovulating. my cycles are like clockwork, complete with night sweats during my leautal phase (which is quite long, thanks) which to me says oh, hai thare progesterone. gee, you're produced by a corpus luteum, right? you only get those when you actually ovulate.
so what if for the next few cycles i stick with the acupuncture and decide to do this on my own at home. what the hell -- the sperm alone is expensive, but not nearly as expensive as adding in another $1K for the office IUI, plus the cost of the blood work, and then the cost of the injectables. i know my donor has ICI samples, but i may also go back and check my other contenders against the donor sibling registry just out of curiosity. or, i wonder if the bank would tell me who out of choices had the best numbers.
it may be crazy, but something keeps pulling me back to this idea. i know after everything the doctor said, it shouldn't be an option, but why do i keep thinking it is? (oh, i know, because what i really need is fresh not frozen, and things would probably work!)
as always, feedback and thoughts on this are welcome.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
the part that i am really freaking kicking myself about is that i could have done another test last night when i remembered 3 hours later since i PIAC, rather than POAS. but no, i figured line wasn't dark enough and cleaned everything up.
so i'm looking at past charts, trying to read other signs and figure out was the surge last night, or would i be jumping the gun if i call this morning for an IUI. my temp did a big time dip this morning (pre ovulation sign). cervix is uber high and almost out of reach for the past few days (pre ovulation sign). CM is impossible to read as ever, so no help there. last month on clomid, ovulation was on CD13 (today is CD12 ...hmmm). my little electronic charting calendar is predicting ovulation on tuesday, but i try not to go by that one (it has been right in the past though. argh!).
i don't want to screw up this cycle, but then again if i do, maybe i'm meant to miss it. i have 5 minutes to decide what i'm doing...
Monday, June 29, 2009
yeah. i've kind of been silent regarding the fun that was Friday's scan and consult because i've been a big huge mess about it. still am, so i'm just going to blurt this out and run and spare you all the ranting and raving.
uterus is healthy and lovely. perfect nest for a baby. left ovary looks ago. a decent size cyst on it, but nothing to keep me out of the running. 2 antral follicles. yes. 2.
right ovary is half the size of the left. approximately 1 third of that is covered under a haze that the doctor is interpreting as endo scarring. 3 antral follicles. no evidence that i've ovulated from that side.
so a grand total of 5. and i can ovulate. i just have nothing to respond to meds to try and help my chances, and hey, if there are only 5, the RE is telling me they have to be crap quality. ICI on my own at home? might as well burn the money.
kids, this is what happens when you have an autoimmune disease running rampant in your life since you were about 10.
so, was left with the option to try an injectable cycle to see if i would respond at all, but if i don't, that's the end of the line. since it was already late on CD3 and a friday, i decided i didn't want the quick, choose your online pharmacy now so we can have these delivered by courier to you tomorrow route, and asked for one more clomid cycle.
and i may or may not take a break (or three) before the cycle after and injectables. i'm trying to remind myself i haven;t been feeling healthy that long. maybe this can be reversed -- is being reversed. more time may be what i need. just don't feel like i have any.
so, there we are as to the source of my crying jags of late. under more control today, but still feeling pretty crapped on by my life. (pity, party of 1 over in this corner.) just barely holding off the urge to go get a giant hot fudge sundae and say screw it all.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
at least yesterday i got to end the day with acupuncture. let me tell you, acupuncture on the day you start your period with craps from hell is an amazing and wonderful thing. once she got the needle "zinging" and the heat lamp centered on my belly (oh dear goddess, yes) i was left alone with my thoughts that were still going a million miles an hour.
i had filled in Dr. G (my acupuncturist) on my thoughts and ideas of doing things at home, possibly on a natural cycle, just with a heck of a lot more herbs. she of course is all for that. she also let me know that she knows several local gynies who will do natural (unmedicated) IUIs if for some reason that is a better option. but right now, i'm going to focus on CM this cycle, and start getting that in better shape. she's convince that even at my age, it is possible.
so even though i'm usually out like a light during acupuncture, the brain was just too full and busy last night. took a lot of time and listening to the meditation playing to finally get myself to calm and start to drift. of course by then, Dr. G was back, and had me roll over o she could do some work on my low back for the end, which is clearly back in its favorite haunts of the back of uterus and my bowels.
all i can say is no cramps today, and i slept absolutely blissfully last night. i feel much better than i did on monday. yeah, it ended up being rather rough on monday, most likely because the massage therapist said the wrong phrase to me in what was an attempt to comfort, but it just shreds me to little pieces: "it wasn't meant to be." thanks. i don't like having to suck that up in hole left by a missing relationship in my life; i'll be damned if i have to live with that for another hole where a relationship with a child should be.
so at least last night i was able to remind myself that i was not broken, and this cant be forced. it is simply abut being open and healthy and ready, and letting it happen. another cycle, back on all the supplements, and ready to grow some more healthy eggies.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
i knew it was coming since i hadn't had a secondary temp spike, but what is most likely allergies had me thinking i'd won the lottery with being utterly knackered, food tasting off, constant upset stomach, and low grade headache. of course at 5:15 am yesterday, you probably all heard my frustrated yell of "F&*^!!" as my temp dropped from it's 5 day streak of 98.4 to 98.2, despite me bundling myself in multiple layers before heading to bed.
so i'm a faced with a decision right now. the nurse who called yesterday told me to call back on CD1 to schedule my baseline scan for the next cycle. bwuh? i asked was this DC3 bloodwork or a sonogram. she said a sonogram since after medicated cycles they need to check for any cysts and see if you need to take a break. i explained that, hi, i'm single and thus uninsured for such things, and no, had not had one done previously. she seemed highly confused and read through my chart, but still insisted it was SOP to do a scan, but she'd put a note on my file, so when i called they could let me know if it was actually necessary.
of course part of me would love to have the scan done because i'd like to know just what shape my right ovary is in, and if half of it is missing (or it's just shriveled up like some forlorn raisin) as my RE said the bloodwork had her thinking.
my checkbook on the other hand is hiding in the corner whimpering at this point at the mere thought of one more fertility related bill to pay. doesn't help that i smacked it around earlier this morning with an OMG, i need more fertility help spending spree for FertileCM support, FertilityBlend and FertiliTea (because obviously the 6 million supplements and teas i'm already taking have not done anything for me).
i'm also toying with the idea of one last IUI at the clinic, and if that doesn't work, switching to ICI on my own. of course, that may be completely insane given my age and fertility workup. which is where a scan revealing antral follicle count and all the rest could really be enlightening and help decide if i would be throwing my money away on sperm or not. and then there is the question of doing the ICI unmedicated, or talking the RE into clomid while i do this.
because, hey, i do obviously respond and ovulate with the clomid. but then i went and read this article on our amazing ovaries and how they really work.
i followed it up with this article on how thinking too much and overanalyzing everything in this journey does not help. well, duh. i then made myself try and focus on actual work. for about a whole 15 minutes before staring into space and slowly sliding back to the internets.
anyway, i'd love to hear opinions of those who are, ahem, more mature and facing some challenges with conceiving, but managed to do it at home. is it worth saving the $850+ in clinic fees a month? am i looking at better or worse odds?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
instead, i'm going to just wait until my test on monday, and am pretty much prepping myself for a disappointment again. i know the RE wants to schedule another consult with me. i may ask her if i can try several round of ICI on my own. clearly, with the help of a little clomid, i am ovulating -- and am likely ovulating even without the clomid. my only abnormality was the super high FSH -- everything else was normal. and i got to wondering, how may couples try and get pregnant and never know FSH levels. they could be high, but since couples don't usually consult an RE until an extended period of trying with no results, we really don't know. i think i should be allowed some trying time before changing to a more aggressive protocol. as one of the triers on the SMC board quipped, her only fertility problem is lack of regular access to sperm.
plus, i'd love the whole pressure of blood testing/any testing off my psyche at the moment. to just try and now go bonkers in the 2ww and just see what happens.
i don't know. this could all be a giant mood swing, but yes, again, that is a normal functioning Single Hussy!
Monday, June 15, 2009
so even though they didn't call me after my progesterone test for IUI#1, they just called with today's level (40.40). not as stellar as the "over 60" i had last time, but still, according to all those online charts (someone needs to take my internets away), it is damned good. damned good for a medicated cycle. damned good for first trimester.
so of course i spot the hCG levels chart below, and they are giving a level for 10dpo. whoa. that soon? so i of course go over to check the site where i got my pregnancy test strips to see their sensitivity level. yeah, so their sensitivity level is at 20mlU/ml/hCG and say you can test as early as 6 to 8 dpo
i can see it coming. i'm going to try and stop my insanity and POAS tomorrow morning. i'll be disappointed, but oh, if it could stop the why are my boobs so dammed itchy? are my nipples darker? where are all these zits coming from? moment, it may be worth it.
in.sane. completely totally barking. (does this mean i'm having mood swings as well?)
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Increased Vaginal Discharge.
From 7 days post ovulation (one week post conception).
If you have an increase in the amount of vaginal discharge after Ovulation this can be a predictor of pregnancy. Many pregnant women report fertile type or creamy discharge.