dear body:

i'm not sure what you are up to this cycle, but color me very much not amused. we are on CD11 and i would like at least a hint that there is some LH running around my system. also, that temp spike above my coverline on CD10 is So Not Funny. especially given the complete lack of any sighting of LH since CD6, and that a certain frozen vial is winging its way here. bear in mind that Ms. Cervix is also reporting in remains low and firm, and El Libido can only just now be faintly heard humming a cha-cha.

i'm watching you. you better be getting it together, or just wildly excited of the fact that you are finally producing one hell of a primary follicle. i'll let you get away with goofing off with the BBT this one, but i expect everything else to be running as normal. or rather, better than normal.

now, kindly fall into line and return my temps to their normal pre-ovulatory range. extra stress is in no way necessary right now.

much love,
me.

things that make you go hmmm....

great, just gave myself an earworm for the rest of the day with that post title.

this cycle seems to be off to a good start, except for a few hiccups at the moment. most interesting was that my fertility monitor started the month (CD7) with giving me a "high" fertility reading. wow, have never gotten that prior to ovulation before! looking at the test strips (event though they say not to) it was clear it was because my estrogen was high.

of course the monitor did completely miss my LH surge yesterday. this is why i double test with OPKs, folks. had a nice strong surge yesterday at noon that held steady until 10 pm. by this morning it passed, so the clueless fertility monitor just kept reading high, even though estrogen was starting to lighten up.

the only question i have right now is whether i actually ovulated last night. temp jumped from 97.3. to 97.7 this morning, which is below my "usual" coverline, but last month, i wondered if my coverline hadn't dropped a couple points thanks to the winter temps. also, a pretty pathetic ovulation jump for me, and given the last couple cycles as far as LH surge and timing to O, it was a wee bit quick. way to make me worry madly about timing the IUI next month, silly body.

cervix is still high and soft this morning, with lovely EWCM. day three of amazing EWCM. i'm so proud of my old cervix finally getting into the grove of things here.

i suppose tomorrow will tell me what happened, and i'll just have to figure out things from there for next month. just makes me crazy nuts if i'm switching to a single IUI for the cycle. though trust me, my checkbook loves the idea.

planning, planning, planning

well, this cycle off is beginning to draw to a close, and i'm trying to decide if i'm taking next cycle off as well, or if i'm ready to jump back on the wagon.

emotionally, i am more than anxious to be back in the game. dreams, thoughts and desires for this to finally work are haunting me. i'm selfishly cranky and annoyed when i hear of someone else's good fortune of a BFP (most especially when when i feel that individual is clueless and a walking train-wreck and gets a BFP on the first try -- wtf?). basically i'm exhibiting all the healthy signs of a tryer.

physically, this cycle was not as picture perfect on paper as i wanted. despite having a nice long follicular phase, another long and strong LH surge, and feeling a lot of activity on my ovary, that magnificent temp spike i usually get was missing. a spike of any sort was missing. the only thing i can speculate about is that my bum right ovary somehow interfered with the development of a nice corpus lutem (endo scar tissue interference?). that is, if i was even able to ovulate on that side, and the follicle wasn't trapped under the endo scared portion of the ovary. i know i develop follicles on that side, despite the fact the ovary is only half the size of the left. but the scaring is a huge issue.

so part of me is thinking maybe i should take off another month and see what another "natural" cycle looks like. my bank account wouldn't mind a break either to recover and save up for more frozen pop. but, i did hear back from a midwife who very much wants to work with me, so that too makes me all the more anxious to jump back into the game.

of course i'm also trying to figure out the long-term game plan at the same time. how many more natural IUIs with the midwife do i give myself? two? three? at what point would it be wise to just suck it up and head back to the RE factory and dive into debt with meds, scans and push my body to the limit? it's tough because i've followed a lot of journeys these past few months of medicated cycles that have resulted in BFPs. i wish there was some way to know what was the right way for my body. some kind of road sign in flashing neon that says "success this way."

life is never that easy.

this is also the first day in over a week that's i've actually felt human. i've been down with the flu this last week (another reason to stay on the bench next cycle?). rather humiliating given all my healthy living, eating and supplements, but i suppose sometimes there is no escaping a determined virus.

i suppose i'll suss it all out this week as i talk to the acupuncturist, and finally call the midwife back -- now that my voice has returned.

oh you have GOT to be kidding me

waking up to a brilliant temp spike is NOT what i wanted. WTF?? why do OPKs hate me this month, barely showing even a hint of line? folks, i'm doing the fertility monitor POAS first thing in the morning, an OPK smuggled into the work bathroom between 10 am and noon, and another test at around 10 pm at night. i'm making myself wait at least 4 hours before any POAS. i'm limiting my fluid intake (when hello, i need to also be increasing it for CM) during those 4 hours. and nothing!

::headdesk::

considering how wonderful things looked last night, and not even being able to reach my cervix this morning, i decided forget getting the tank refilled. i was just going to have to be a bit late to work this morning because i had some important baby-making to do.

up in the air on whether to do round tonight or tomorrow morning. probably tonight. that better be a damn lively egg that got shoved out! hear me, egg? i want you alive beyond the usual time frame and waiting for the boys to get up there.

i swear, if i have to do this again next cycle, i'm just listening to my cervix and CM and those OPKs can get lost.

in the meantime, CAN WE PLEASE ALL CROSS FINGERS FOR ME?

(this freak-out has been brought to you by the letter O and the numbers 97.2 and 97.9)

Houston, we have a problem

my head is sore from banging it on my desk.

yesterday morning, i had a mild heart attack as my BBT jumped from a 97.6 to 98.2 -- nicely over my coverline. except that we were on CD6. i nervously figured maybe my allergies were bothering me, or i was sick. still, in talking to the bank yesterday with the when to ship question, i asked the all important, what happens if i have an anovulatory cycle? they said shipping back was not problem, so i felt better.

until this morning when my BBT registered at 98.4.

for those who like to play along at home, let's look at this cycles temps so far:

97.7 / 97.8 / 97.3 (nice, looking good here) / 97.3 / 97.6 / 98.2 / 98.4

it doesn't look like an anovulatory cycle with the ping-pong ball bouncing all the hell over the place. instead it looks like a nice strong ovulation. a week early.

WTF?

i should probably add to the discussion that this past menstruation was the most pathetic excuse for a period ever. TMI warning: 2 days light brown spotting. again with the WTF. i had a chemical pregnancy. shouldn't i at least get a decent flow? never mind the fact i haven't had a red, strong period since beginning this craziness back in March.

(and yes, before you ask, i did another HPT this morning just in case and because i'm on all these not-while-preggers supplements. BFN, so it's not that.)

i'm blaming clomid. it's the only thing i can figure out. i went from lovely normal, regular cycles to pathetic, limp ones. i know it can completely dry you out and thin the uterine lining, so that has to be what happened. my previous "break" month back in May was a bit scattered and not that great. besides, i get to blame the clomid for the raging back acne which is only now finally starting to subside.

which means, i think i'm calling the bank again in a couple hours and telling them that we are having to scrub this month. i had been thinking i should give my body a month break after the clomid to get a "normal" cycle back under its feet. i think my temps are just confirming what was in the back of my head, and i need to slow down with the omg it's now or never! i must get pregnant! rush.

but if anyone has some insight or theories or can reassure me things can get back to normal and that the 4 cycles of clomid didn't blow out the last remaining eggs i had, i would really love some feedback.

i keep grasping at the small positives: my skin is amazing right now (hasn't been like this since i was a teen -- yeah i had gorgeous skin as a teenager), my hair and nails are growing like weeds, my body feel wonderful, and my boobs are up another cup size. i'm not sure if the last one is a positive or not, since i'm kind of at a loss with what to do with them, but i figure its a sign that somewhere, some hormone is happy and making my body at least look all fertile.

in the meantime, focusing on my yoga breathing and doing a heck of a lot of forward bends today to combat the stress of this all.