And much has happened.
For as much as A knows, it has all been good. Standing unsupported. First step. Holding off walking until starting unsupported mobility with a toddler-run. Wonderful and nummy finger foods. Words and pointing and learning. Cuddles, and snuggles, and her favorite person on earth, me.
FOr me, I have all that good. But several weeks ago the unthinkable happened, and I heard State B approved Distant Relative's home for placement. State A shrugged said nothing to do. No more hearings, no appeal, done deal. Get ready to say goodbye.
I immediately offered weeks of time to sped in State B to allow A to acclimate and bond with this new family and crowded situation, numb to the reality that this was. But first, Distant Relative would have to come visit in State A. After all, Distant Relative (DR) had been clamoring to do so on a weekly basis.
Until reality, I guess. Oh no, DR can't come to State A; DR has too many children to look after. Oh, and I would not be part of the transition, as I was "too attached" to A. Instead, a stranger would take her to State B. There would be 1 hour long supervised visit at DR's home, and two additional 1 hour unsupervised visits, and then that was it.
This is when I woke from my trance. First with screaming and wracking sobs, and then, quickly, anger and rage.
I have a lawyer. I'm fighting. Kinship placement or not, I will never be convinced the trauma being planned for this 14 month old child who is happy, safe, settled, attached and secure is in any why shape or form "in her best interest."
It's a dangerous and potentially losing battle. But I will go down swinging with every last breath of my body to protect this little girl, and to stop the perpetuation of the cycle that created her birth mom. I want to know why I have been lied to about every hearing date, why facts about DR seem murky, why DR would honestly refuse photos and progress reports on A, why can I not meet or talk to DR, and why this placement with family was not handled properly and timely in the first 3 months as it should have. Well, I pretty much know why (federal $$$ reimbursement for placing a child with a relative), but I want the court to look me in the face and tell me why it is going to let a 14 month old child have her psyche destroyed and be whored out in order to get that money.
If DR truly and honestly has one sense of love and care for this child, they would want to know she is safe and secure and happy, and not want to rip her from the love and unending affection she is subject to. I am never going to deny A her birth family. I want and need her to know DR and her ever-increasing number of half-siblings, and her birth mother. It will play as part of her identity as she grows up. But why must it be done by creating a huge scar across her soul, stunting her intellectual growth and risk creating birth-mom-part-deux in 16-18 years.
Pray for us. Burn incense. Chant spells. Light candles. We need your love and guidance, and most especially the court needs to just pause one moment, let me present the facts I have, and weigh them. And hopefully, hopefully, see the fragile, blooming human soul that hangs in the balance and truly does what is in her best interest.