1 week down, 1 to go

can't believe i'm actually in a 2ww! have to remind myself to get back into my meditations for this time, but in a way, i like not thinking about the wait. still, my dreams this past week have been full of portents and signs, or perhaps just incredible wishes.

no huge rise in my temps. just a steady above coverline, with maybe a slow climb. my uterus feel "full" and twitchy the past couple of days, and i have my usual luteal phase bloat going on. the salt and vinegar crisps are probably not helping with that, either. boobs may be getting sore, or i just poked them too hard this morning, always difficult to tell. tired, which seems to be par for the course, and focused and stressed at work right now so my neck and shoulders are overly tight and sore. to the point that i had to go in for an emergency massage last night. i may be going back to weekly massages for a while just to help with all the stress that seems to be floating about, and i am trying desperately to ignore.

i did have an amazing acupuncture session on monday with a different doctor covering for my usual doctor. the two partners had met over the weekend with my chart, so she was all up to speed on everything i had been doing, and had lots of questions to clarify things. she was completely amazed that after 21 years on BCP my period came back at all, never mind right into a regular cycle (my first 3 cycles after stopping were 33 days, 29 days, 28 days). she looked me in the eye and said, i believe you are super fertile.

this is why i'm listening more to alternative treatments rather than REs. not because it is hope that may be false, but rather that it is about belief, and balance, and listening to each individual body. the only reason i ended up with an RE is because i was single. but i was treated from the first second like i was "broken". and if i couldn't get pregnant in three tries with all their drugs, then i was very broken and all hope was gone. especially given i had a number attached to me: 40.

i refuse to believe i'm broken. for the first time ever in my life, i feel healthy and alive and full of potential. the only thing we got standing in my way is access to fresh sperm. i'm beginning to think that that alone should not be an RE issue.