Monday, June 29, 2009

don't count your chickens...

... because you may not have any eggs.

yeah. i've kind of been silent regarding the fun that was Friday's scan and consult because i've been a big huge mess about it. still am, so i'm just going to blurt this out and run and spare you all the ranting and raving.

uterus is healthy and lovely. perfect nest for a baby. left ovary looks ago. a decent size cyst on it, but nothing to keep me out of the running. 2 antral follicles. yes. 2.

right ovary is half the size of the left. approximately 1 third of that is covered under a haze that the doctor is interpreting as endo scarring. 3 antral follicles. no evidence that i've ovulated from that side.

so a grand total of 5. and i can ovulate. i just have nothing to respond to meds to try and help my chances, and hey, if there are only 5, the RE is telling me they have to be crap quality. ICI on my own at home? might as well burn the money.

kids, this is what happens when you have an autoimmune disease running rampant in your life since you were about 10.

so, was left with the option to try an injectable cycle to see if i would respond at all, but if i don't, that's the end of the line. since it was already late on CD3 and a friday, i decided i didn't want the quick, choose your online pharmacy now so we can have these delivered by courier to you tomorrow route, and asked for one more clomid cycle.

and i may or may not take a break (or three) before the cycle after and injectables. i'm trying to remind myself i haven;t been feeling healthy that long. maybe this can be reversed -- is being reversed. more time may be what i need. just don't feel like i have any.

so, there we are as to the source of my crying jags of late. under more control today, but still feeling pretty crapped on by my life. (pity, party of 1 over in this corner.) just barely holding off the urge to go get a giant hot fudge sundae and say screw it all.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

CD1. again.

well, a couple hours after i posted yesterday, i realized, hey, wow, these are some pretty intense cramps. yep, AF decided to make a late afternoon appearance, and with a force which only confirmed my suspicions that the endo is back and spreading. so i went ahead and called over to the clinic to schedule the baseline scan. turns out the RE has also requested a follow up consult with me, so that is scheduled as well. Friday will be a day started and ended at the clinic, with my scan at 7 am, and the RE appointment at 4 pm.

at least yesterday i got to end the day with acupuncture. let me tell you, acupuncture on the day you start your period with craps from hell is an amazing and wonderful thing. once she got the needle "zinging" and the heat lamp centered on my belly (oh dear goddess, yes) i was left alone with my thoughts that were still going a million miles an hour.

i had filled in Dr. G (my acupuncturist) on my thoughts and ideas of doing things at home, possibly on a natural cycle, just with a heck of a lot more herbs. she of course is all for that. she also let me know that she knows several local gynies who will do natural (unmedicated) IUIs if for some reason that is a better option. but right now, i'm going to focus on CM this cycle, and start getting that in better shape. she's convince that even at my age, it is possible.

so even though i'm usually out like a light during acupuncture, the brain was just too full and busy last night. took a lot of time and listening to the meditation playing to finally get myself to calm and start to drift. of course by then, Dr. G was back, and had me roll over o she could do some work on my low back for the end, which is clearly back in its favorite haunts of the back of uterus and my bowels.

all i can say is no cramps today, and i slept absolutely blissfully last night. i feel much better than i did on monday. yeah, it ended up being rather rough on monday, most likely because the massage therapist said the wrong phrase to me in what was an attempt to comfort, but it just shreds me to little pieces: "it wasn't meant to be." thanks. i don't like having to suck that up in hole left by a missing relationship in my life; i'll be damned if i have to live with that for another hole where a relationship with a child should be.

so at least last night i was able to remind myself that i was not broken, and this cant be forced. it is simply abut being open and healthy and ready, and letting it happen. another cycle, back on all the supplements, and ready to grow some more healthy eggies.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009



i knew it was coming since i hadn't had a secondary temp spike, but what is most likely allergies had me thinking i'd won the lottery with being utterly knackered, food tasting off, constant upset stomach, and low grade headache. of course at 5:15 am yesterday, you probably all heard my frustrated yell of "F&*^!!" as my temp dropped from it's 5 day streak of 98.4 to 98.2, despite me bundling myself in multiple layers before heading to bed.

so i'm a faced with a decision right now. the nurse who called yesterday told me to call back on CD1 to schedule my baseline scan for the next cycle. bwuh? i asked was this DC3 bloodwork or a sonogram. she said a sonogram since after medicated cycles they need to check for any cysts and see if you need to take a break. i explained that, hi, i'm single and thus uninsured for such things, and no, had not had one done previously. she seemed highly confused and read through my chart, but still insisted it was SOP to do a scan, but she'd put a note on my file, so when i called they could let me know if it was actually necessary.

of course part of me would love to have the scan done because i'd like to know just what shape my right ovary is in, and if half of it is missing (or it's just shriveled up like some forlorn raisin) as my RE said the bloodwork had her thinking.

my checkbook on the other hand is hiding in the corner whimpering at this point at the mere thought of one more fertility related bill to pay. doesn't help that i smacked it around earlier this morning with an OMG, i need more fertility help spending spree for FertileCM support, FertilityBlend and FertiliTea (because obviously the 6 million supplements and teas i'm already taking have not done anything for me).

i'm also toying with the idea of one last IUI at the clinic, and if that doesn't work, switching to ICI on my own. of course, that may be completely insane given my age and fertility workup. which is where a scan revealing antral follicle count and all the rest could really be enlightening and help decide if i would be throwing my money away on sperm or not. and then there is the question of doing the ICI unmedicated, or talking the RE into clomid while i do this.

because, hey, i do obviously respond and ovulate with the clomid. but then i went and read this article on our amazing ovaries and how they really work.

i followed it up with this article on how thinking too much and overanalyzing everything in this journey does not help. well, duh. i then made myself try and focus on actual work. for about a whole 15 minutes before staring into space and slowly sliding back to the internets.

anyway, i'd love to hear opinions of those who are, ahem, more mature and facing some challenges with conceiving, but managed to do it at home. is it worth saving the $850+ in clinic fees a month? am i looking at better or worse odds?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

no news

in case you were curious, i am a big chicken and did not POAS because i convinced my brain as been playing trick on me. i've had one nightsweat during this 2ww when my usual for my luteal phase is every night. no secondary temp spike. boobs feel normal (yes, there is a rash, but i did change soaps last week, and no the rash is only on my boobs but that means nothing). food tastes funny and i don't feel great after eating in the morning, but all of these are symptoms of a normal function Single Hussy. since i was a kid, food would change tastes on me, and morning and foods were a no go.

instead, i'm going to just wait until my test on monday, and am pretty much prepping myself for a disappointment again. i know the RE wants to schedule another consult with me. i may ask her if i can try several round of ICI on my own. clearly, with the help of a little clomid, i am ovulating -- and am likely ovulating even without the clomid. my only abnormality was the super high FSH -- everything else was normal. and i got to wondering, how may couples try and get pregnant and never know FSH levels. they could be high, but since couples don't usually consult an RE until an extended period of trying with no results, we really don't know. i think i should be allowed some trying time before changing to a more aggressive protocol. as one of the triers on the SMC board quipped, her only fertility problem is lack of regular access to sperm.

plus, i'd love the whole pressure of blood testing/any testing off my psyche at the moment. to just try and now go bonkers in the 2ww and just see what happens.

i don't know. this could all be a giant mood swing, but yes, again, that is a normal functioning Single Hussy!

Monday, June 15, 2009

insane person ahead. you might want to cross the street.

i do not remember being this much of a spaz during my first 2ww. then again, i don't remember having such itchy boobs that i didn't care if i was at work, my hand is going in my bra to try and get some relief.

so even though they didn't call me after my progesterone test for IUI#1, they just called with today's level (40.40). not as stellar as the "over 60" i had last time, but still, according to all those online charts (someone needs to take my internets away), it is damned good. damned good for a medicated cycle. damned good for first trimester.

so of course i spot the hCG levels chart below, and they are giving a level for 10dpo. whoa. that soon? so i of course go over to check the site where i got my pregnancy test strips to see their sensitivity level. yeah, so their sensitivity level is at 20mlU/ml/hCG and say you can test as early as 6 to 8 dpo

i can see it coming.
i'm going to try and stop my insanity and POAS tomorrow morning. i'll be disappointed, but oh, if it could stop the why are my boobs so dammed itchy? are my nipples darker? where are all these zits coming from? moment, it may be worth it.

in.sane. completely totally barking. (does this mean
i'm having mood swings as well?)

Sunday, June 14, 2009


add insanely itchy breasts to the tricks my mind is causing my body to play on me. still think i have a couple more days to see a secondary BBT spike. that is what i would *love* to see. though the BBT so far is a lovely steady climb -- and higher this morning than any previous cycle. my acupuncturist is going to be stoked when she sees my chart tomorrow.

don't know if i will POAS this time round. i have a bunch of tests, but in a way, i don't want to know if it is negative. on the other hand, when we get to that point next weekend, i may be completely insane and need to know.

i'm trying not to jinx myself by feeling positive on this one, but something in the back of my head is just going there. maybe its a little sprog talking to me...

Saturday, June 13, 2009

TMI moment coming, y'all...

... but then, that's why we are here, right?

have been trying not to over-analyze my body this early after IUI (6dpiui today). but had a WTH? moment (or two) while hiking today, in the form of fertile quality cervical mucus. like uber-egg-white that i never actually get. and massive amounts of it.

the boobs are getting a bit tender, but i figure that can be pretty common in this part of the cycle, but i was curious in regards to the CM.

Increased Vaginal Discharge.

From 7 days post ovulation (one week post conception).

If you have an increase in the amount of vaginal discharge after Ovulation this can be a predictor of pregnancy. Many pregnant women report fertile type or creamy discharge.

um, okay. i think i need to chalk this up to my body's amazing ability to generate progesterone, right? (oh, hello, night sweats to beat the band last night. how i never, ever miss you.) i probably just ovulated the hell out of my left ovary and have corpus luteum having a big old party.

yep. let's stay logical and sane here.

though i gave karma another huge target today by going on a more strenuous than expected hike today.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

IUI#2, part the second

sorry, don't mean to turn into Ms. Posty McPants here, but i figured some answers to questions and potentially hopeful news was in order. and thanks for meandbaby for the encouragement on the 7mil. i like hearing those kinds of stories!

so i had two burning questions for the nurse today during my IUI. first, hiking a local mountain this weekend, yea or nay? she gave me the yea, as long as i stay hydrated. the culprit after IUI is anything involving jumping about, and it doesn't have to do with conception, more the state of swollen ovaries and the risk of torsion. big concern for those on stims. me and my 50 mg of clomid, not so much.

my second question had to do with the timing of the IUIs given my ovulation/temp spike overnight. she said that was absolutely perfect, and just what they are shooting for. whew! feel much better about that.

today's number was 24mil. now, she also explained something on the report and numbers that 'm being given. the is a % of motility after wash, but that total count (7 mil, 24 mil) is only of motile swimmers after the wash. today was 40% motility with a resulting 24mil actual swimmers. in my mind, that makes the 7mil of yesterday seem much, much better. i had been thinking only 23% of the 7mil were showing any attempt to make an effort. 7mil raring to go puts me in a whole new frame of mind.

the nurse (we'll call her Babs) today was awesome -- she is the head RN for the clinic whom i met with as part of my first visit with the RE, and she walks you through charting and the whole coordinating with the cryobank and the clinic. just one of those people who gives off a great vibe. not that the entire clinic staff hasn't been wonderful. i love how they ask at every IUI if you know if you need a special speculum, and has there been a problem with your cervix in any prior IUI. considering some of the horror stories others have shared, it makes very appreciative

of course i'm now at the point of laughing about that when they ask since my cervix is apparently of the hey sailor, new in town? variety. two nurses have now literally exclaimed "wow, you're easy!" while feeding in the catheter. there's something about hearing that as you are in the ever dignified position of feet in stirrups and butt hanging off the edge of the table that cracks me up.

okay, i guess i'm officially back in the 2ww.

worries and doubts and voices in my head

i'm a swirl of various things right now, so excuse me as i try and sort them out up here.

first off, yesterday's IUI went off without a hitch. well, except for the numbers of the swim-team, that is. on my first IUI, day 1's numbers were 53 mil with 45% motility, but day 2 dropped to a shocking 7 mil with 30% motility. still, i figured 60 mil total was good.

yesterday, no so good. 7 mil with 23% motility. the nurse seemed surprised, and then tried to assure me that pregnancies happened with worse numbers. yeah, but remember we have my pathetic eggs in this mix as well. thinking these numbers were not what my bank promised, i called them yesterday afternoon and explained the situation. they weer shocked and concerned as well, but said that a substandard report had not been filled by my RE's lab so that it could be investigated and options pursued. remember, i'm starting with ICI samples, so my clinic's wash is the only one they are getting -- my numbers should be a hell of a lot better -- at least 10mil, more likely 15mil.

so i have a call into the my clinic's cryobank so i can get them to submit that paperwork. and i'm thinking that if today is bad numbers as well, i may have to go for the back-up donor. ETA: and the clinic's lab just called me and said they would get the paperwork filled out and faxed today and give me a call to let me know when it had been faxed so i can also call and follow up with the cryobank.

needless to say, i tried not to focus on this too much yesterday, and had my massage therapy in the evening, and she gave me a full body work-up to get the blood flowing, and worked fertility/conception triggers. i have acupuncture tonight after found 2 today, so i at least feel like i'm doing everything that i can on my end.

except for the second niggling worry in the back of my head -- my timing. i keep thinking i should have called to go in Sunday morning, despite the negative OPK that morning. other signs were there, and gee, wouldn't you know last night as i went to bed, i clearly felt ovulation start on my left side (my right side seems to be completely defunct after all). temp rise this morning confirmed it, so i almost feel like today is a waste -- won't it be 12 hours after? what's the point? other signs (cervix and mucus) also had shifted by last night, where as friday, saturday and sunday were clearly doing the rah!rah! we're ready right now! dance for me. next month -- if i have to do this next month -- i may go more with my gut instinct and see if i can't jump things a day early.

and so now for me getting all touchy-feely. you've been warned....

after all this doubt and niggling, last night when i went to bed, i read some more of Spirit Babies (which has been a really interesting read -- some folks would say kooky and out there, but my theory is hey, we don't know everything about the Universe, shut up and at least listen for fun). i had managed a great meditation on saturday when drifting in that should i nap state, actually feeling a flow of energy around my hips reaching and expanding out. i thought my welcoming mantra, reaching out for my child. last night after reading and turning of the light, i immediately felt that energy around my hips again, without even trying. again those welcoming thoughts for my child, and i suddenly realized i was thinking of the child as "him" (i've always tried to keep my thoughts gender neutral), and as i realized this with a bit of shock, i felt almost a joyous laugh and acknowledgment in that energy around my hips. like i said, kind of kooky, but very real in the moment, and enough to make tears of happiness spring to my eyes. today i'm staying focused on that, that feeling, that presence, and that positive power i have in myself.

wow, i can't wait for acupuncture tonight to meditate on this some more, and let all the worries wash away.

Monday, June 8, 2009

well, my predictions are off these days

finally had a + OPK last night. it was negative again this morning, which confirms that yes, i do have an insanely short LH surge. just called the lab at the RE clinic, and the swim team is being roused from sleep for a meeting today at 11.

start thinking those fertile and nice egg meets nice sperm thoughts.

forgot to mention that last week i got dragged to a karate class by a co-worker. no, i'm not the karate or kickboxing type, but it was an open house, and i figured, what the heck. co-worker D and co-worker M were both going to be there, so let's have some fun.

i am apparently a bit of a natural when it come to hitting things. and kicking things. and i kept up the whole way with an insanely intense cardio class. me 3 months ago would never have been able to do it. never. the changes in how i feel are just amazing, and after class, D and M and i were sitting around talking about that, the stress of our jobs, etc., etc., they were asking about my yoga and my acupuncture, and no, they didn't know about my plans. D may of had an inkling as we talked maybe a year ago about adoption and such. but for some reason, that night, i looked at the both of them, and said, "okay, please don't say anything, but...." and gave them the details.

neither flinched or acted surprised. in fact, M started talking about how she's going to be 40 soon, and she really has changed her mind about having kids, and also knows she is not interested at all in being married. i could tell she is deep in the throes of thinking of taking this step. i've got my fingers crossed for her that she decides to take that leap. i would be so nice to have someone local heading into this much the same time as me!

Friday, June 5, 2009

missing: one LH surge

if my temp spikes tomorrow, i'm going to be really, really annoyed.

per clomid cycle protocol, i started OPK testing on CD10.  slightly dark that a.m. and has gotten progressively lighter since.  i've got uber bloat and all kinds of ovary cramping for 2 days now.

per my past charts (clomid cycles) my surge should be here tomorrow (CD12).  not even a faint line tonight on the OPK.

::sigh::  if the cycle is missed, it is for a reason.  just relax and ride it out.

(yeah, right...)

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

and i thought it was just me!!

discovered via Me and Baby's blog: Fertility Socks!

and here i thought i was the kooky one who decided to wear funky over-the-knee socks to all my procedures just to keep things fun. and they are a good conversation starter -- the crew at the HSG lab loved them!

i'm already worrying about what ones to where for the next IUI, which could be as soon as Friday. eep! acupuncturist gave me her cell number so i can call and she can do work on me right after. when i mentioned it might be on the weekend, she was trying to think what she was had planned. i snickered and said i had a date planned.

yup. i'm insane, and figured fate needed one mo er good reason to bless me with a baby, so i said yes when a friend asked if she could introduce me to her son. we've been talking a bit, but i figured i'll save the "oh, hey, did you know i might be pregnant?" line for a bit later. ;)

hey, you never know when life is going to present you with the right moment. i might as well try and seize all of them at once.