nothing much going on

Figured I should at least update to say that I'm really not approaching this time as a 2ww. Which is why I didn't really want to post, because after how many times now, another BFN at the end of it -- or another nanosecond chemical pregnancy -- is just ... aggravating? Depressing? So I'm doing fine just going about my business as normal and not thinking about things. And honestly class-work and a flurry of exams have really helped with this.

Though I should mention that the day of IUI#7 (a Saturday) did not exactly go as smoothly as I had planned. Got to the hospital campus on time, parked in my sneaky little spot no one ever thinks to park in, and wandered over to the complex where the urologists office is located. And couldn't get in the building. Side doors locked and the automatic main entry refusing to open. Hello panic. Luckily I had the number of the office on my cell and was able to call, and left a frantic message for the lab saying, I'm here, it's 9:00am, you thawed my swimmers at 8:30 am, and I need to be inseminated STAT! I wondered if I should run over to the other bock and wind my way through the maze of buildings to get to one of the connector bridges that should let me in to the office complex. Luckily, the lab called me back right away and suggested I just force my way in the automatic door. "We don't know why, but security tends to turn them off on weekends, even though all the offices are open." o_0 So I got all muscly, and managed to crack open the auto door enough to squeeze through and raced up to the office.

Of course once up there, a rather snotty receptionist on duty handed me a stack of new patient forms to fill out. I looked at her and then back at the forms and informed her that I had already filled these out as part of the package from the RE's office I dropped off a couple weeks ago. And hi, not really a new patient. I'm just here to get knocked up. She curtly told me to fill out the forms.

Needless to say, I filled them out, blowing through most everything and not even caring about medication allergies since I wouldn't be getting any medications from them. I handed them back to SnotFace and she told me to have a seat and wait in the empty waiting room. At this point I informed her it was 9:15 am, the lab had thawed my sample at 8:30 am, and did she realize that sample had at best an hour lifespan after such thawing. SnotFace had the gall to try and give me attitude back, saying she needed to prepare a proper office file for me since no one had done it for her, and paperwork was required. I cut her off, emphasizing once again that hello, I ALREADY GAVE YOU THAT, and I'm only here to be for an insemination, so what the heck did they need to know about the history of my peeing?

At this point, a very cheerful face appeared behind SnotFace and slapped down a file folder with my name on it, and all my previously turned in paperwork, pointing out to SnotFace that I was right, I had handed everything in, and someone did prepare the office file as needed which SnotFace would have seen opened her eyes and looked in the proper place. Cheerful person then sang out that I was ready and please walk around to meet her in the hall.

As she guided me to room #7, she introduced herself as "J___, the nice one in the office." J. is a kick-ass RN, has struggled with infertility herself, and boy, did we have a great time talking about trying to get pregnant, office politics, and nursing school. Made that whole waiting with my legs up in the air just fly by. She honestly was insanely nice and such a delight. Helped to turn around my starting to stress over the whole situation.

But that is really the only thing of note since last checking in. Like I said, not even letting myself hold out any hope for this time around, and instead am seriously pursuing frozen-embryo adoption. After checking out several sites and clinics suggested by others, I am really sucked in my Miracles Waiting and the hope of an open donation. I love the idea of that connection and building a rather unconventional yet joyful extended family. As soon as finals for one of my classes settles down this week, I'll be getting my profile posted up there. That's where you can keep those lucky thoughts and crossed fingers focused! :)

ha ha, faked you out!

That would be my left ovary mocking me in the subject line. After 2 days of tightness, fullness and pain over my left ovary, I got up this morning (conveniently forgetting to take my temp) and it was ... gone. I headed off to my early morning sono and bloodwork with my emotions around my toenails.

Uber-cheerful Wandi (what I have dubbed the sonogram tech) tried to happily talk me down from my cliff ,asking if the sperm was in, and I ducked behind the curtain to jump into a sheet. She then talked to me through the reading, saying I had a big 20mm and another 14mm follie on my right ovary. Left ovary came into view ... with nothing. No follies, no fluid, no cysts.

Um, guys, what was all that commotion down there about?

And bugger, 2 follicles, only one of which useful. (but as Wandi reminded me with a big smile, but it only takes one!! ::grumble -- I don't want to hear it right now) I headed home to sulk and wait for the call from the RN on my lab results. I could tell with a 20mm one sitting there I was going to trigger tonight.

And so I did. My estrodiol was in the high 300s, and my LH was already at 18. Surging on Day 10. Great. Nice way to bake a healthy egg there, body. < / sarcasm > So I'll be heading over to the back-up location of the urology office that has the lab with my sperm tomorrow, and one of their RNs will do the IUI at 9:00am.

I'm not thrilled, with the IUI so soon after the trigger. Then again, I could be popping that follie at anytime, so who knows.

I'm going to get back to surfing for potential donor embryos to console myself.

huh. Didn't expect that.

Then again, there were a lot of things last week I didn't expect. Like finally having enough of the strum und drang of the workplace drama and informing the powers that be that hey, I'm already a full time student, they don't have work for me, mind if I leave on Friday?

Of course any doubt I had of that decision soon was worn away. On my way to class Thursday (about an hour after saying, "yo, you all are crazy here! Move my lay-off date up please.") I got a call from the new RE's office. seems that my appointment scheduled on the 30th needed to be bumped up to the 23rd. Seeing as how I had been wondering how in the heck I was going to talk my way into being out of the office on the 30th, I know ad to figure out how to do it on the day I was leaving. Decided that a half day as my last day would be the perfect solution, and sure, I could be there for 11:30.

Of course I thought this follow up would be on the sad state of my body and talking over donor egg/donor embryo possibilities. Knock me over with a feather when new RE suggests we do on last IUI with injectables. Only a 5% chance, but in comparison to the other clinic I was going to, paying for all out of pocket (meds, monitoring, IUI) it was a bargain.

Mind, this was a snap decision that had to be made. I was on CD3 after having done a full 2 weeks of estrogen priming for the prior cycle. I was also freshly (and yet blissfully) unemployed. I was also caffeinated.

(Did I mention that after the call on my AMH number a couple weeks ago that charting, monitoring, and coddling my body had gone out the window?)

But then again, let's add up these signs:

1. appointment rescheduled for what happens to be my CD3.
2. I just quit a highly stressful and miserable making job.
3. I just did a cycle of estrogen priming.
4. I had one vial of IUI sperm left.
5. I had treated my body like crap for the last few weeks.

Yeah, I didn't need a sledgehammer to tell me let's go for it. This was the one last hurrah I wanted to give my body. Yet without the stress of IVF.

RE was quite amused with my shock and awe at all of this, and began to type of the blood requests and send off all the various forms that needed to run through the Big Practice system for pre-payment and all the rest. She then got a grin on her face and said, "Won't it be great if you get pregnant on this cycle?" Uh, yeah. Let's go with that thought.

So I got to hang around the office for the next hour or so as we did CD3 testing, met with nurse to go over injections, and got my samples of Gonal-F, info on the order that would be placed for me at the fertility pharmacy they use (complete with 2 for 1 Gonal-F pen special going on), how to get my sperm to the lab they use at the hospital campus for storage, and, oh, one last go at my veins as they realized all my virus testing was more than a year old and needed to be rerun. I didn't mind, but I felt bad for the techs since I had only had a coffee at 5:30 am, and oddly for me, did not suck down any water prior to getting there.

Looking back at the time there, and then down on the hospital campus to drop off my forms at the cryo lab there, I was *really* glad I wasn't having to freak out about getting back to work. Whew!

And yes, I am still researching donor embryos (really seems to be the way I want go), and will be following up with that this coming month big-time. I'm realistic about all this.

I'm on a low-stim protocol, with 150 of Gonal-F a night. I'll go back for an ultrasound and bloodwork on CD10. Ovidrel will be used to trigger. There was no mention of GnRH antagonists, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed my LH levels don't decided to do the wacky and start popping follies early.

Honestly, this fell into place to quickly and easily, I'm a little numb by it all. I think instead I'll focus on the rash of mid-terms I have going on this week.

craving the forbidden

oh, what i wouldn't give for a hot bath right now! but seeing as I had an IUI last night and today at noon, it is kind of verboten. still, i want to be surrounded by hot water right now! argh!

so yes, LH surge did show up the evening up CD10, nice and strong, which meant IUI yesterday evening on CD11, and one today at noon. everything went really well, and I clearly ovulated last night, so the IUIs fell nicely on each side of that. interesting note from Awesome Midwife -- today's noon IUI was the first time she had any kind of resistance with my cervix. with our one IUI per cycle timing previously, she only ever got to meet the "Hey sailor, new in town" hussy of a cervix that shows up during LH surge. after an ovulation, bam!, she closes down, telling any swimmers its too late.

well, too late if they are going to swim the whole length. when we cheat and put those guys right where they are supposed to be, seems like our timing might be even more spot on.

(and once again, her stories make her Awesome Midwife. an emergency breech VBAC delivery? she's a rockstar.)

on to crossed fingers and positive thoughts for the next couple of weeks...

oh, yeah, and tomorrow is my birthday. which is still not sinking into my head. is it because i have my fingers in my ears and am singing "LA LA LA LA LA" at the top of my lungs?

confessions

i've finally admitted it to myself: mother's day falling on my birthday this year IS pissing me off. i didn't think i'd be still in the same place i was last year at this time. ::sigh:: chin up, deep breath, focus on the positive that is CD7 and the growth of a nice fat and healthy follie.

my acupuncturist said something odd to my last week as i was leaving treatment. "i'm really proud of you." i looked at her, confused and asked what she meant. "the whole way you are handling this negative."

i don't know if it is some much handling it as much as it is just being numb. i had that sense from the day after the IUI that things didn't happen. my hopes really didn't get high. as much as i tried to do positive visualization, i knew on some level it was pointless, it wasn't going to be this cycle as much as i wanted it. good news, things falling into place with work and career changes, a huge full double rainbow greeting me one evening during the 2ww... they weren't the signs a portents for this cycle.

yet still, i don't think it is something to be proud off. i feel like i cut myself off emotionally from this whole thing just because i knew i'd be facing a negative test. and somehow i don't think shutting everything down emotionally is necessarily a good thing.

~.~.~.~

but on to bigger and better cycles. Tank will be arriving this Friday for our hot date sometime this weekend. actually, we're going to go for two hot dates. Amazing Midwife thinks a double IUI this time just to counteract any potential bad timing sounds like a fair deal, and seeing as i've purchased those vials already, it's not hurting my wallet much more.

and goddess help me, but i'm about to be a dog owner. me, a confirmed crazy cat lady. my mom is the original Dr. Dolittle and has a foster toy poodle she's been nursing back into health. little white thing, who as it turns out, is one heck of a fire-cracker personality. but what has made me crazy over her is that she is very much a cat trapped in a dog's body. seriously. she's all about snuggling up with you, playing with cat-nip toys, and napping all day. being yippy and yapping at things? not her game. in fact she barely has a bark -- just this itty bitty squeak i've heard once. oh, and yes, she *loves* cats. fascinated with them. wants to give them kisses and curl up to sleep with them. clearly, this is not a canine.

so this little mini-diva is at the point of needing to be settled in somewhere, but mom has been worried about finding the right home for her and dropping hints my way the size of anvils. seeing as i feel much the same as she does (this is a very special dog who has been through a lot, and needs an awesome companion), i gave into the pressure. mom is thrilled and wants her to be settled in with me before Tank arrives since it is proven dogs do good things for your hormones. i chuckled at that one, not asking her for research. at this point, i'll go with every goofy suggestion.

i finally ordered a pee cup

the old mug that has been pressed into to pee-service for me has been dropped on the bathroom floor for the last time. there is only so much i can do with the Gorilla Glue these days. so i finally ordered this cute, specially designated pee cup as a treat for myself.

13dpo today and a BFN. i'll test again tomorrow and Tuesday morning just in case before i stop the prometirum. i remain strangely detached from it all. i think i'm trying very hard to protect myself. after seeing all kinds of signs and promise these past 2 weeks, i knew it was going to be hard.

my mom called this morning to tell me that the Today Show was running a piece on choice moms, and i put down my book and quickly tumbled out of bed to catch it. i thought it was a wonderfully positive piece (finally!). my mom commented tonight that my dad had watched it with interest, and though he always has been supportive of me, he now really "gets it" as to why i'm making this choice, and hat maybe i do know what i'm getting myself into.

and here we are again

Tank managed to arrive yesterday a few mere hours before the OPK let me know i was surging. i sent a text off to the midwife to see if she would be able to do an IUI in the morning, and all was arranged.

i still am finding it highly amusing and tres cool to be texting my midwife for these things.

my sign and portent for this try is the date of my surge - April 10. it was my mom's original due date for me. of course i decided to hang around for another 4 1/2 weeks on her. i've never been a morning person or eager to get out of bed.

all went off this morning without a hitch. well, okay, once small unexpected hitch. the bank sent 2 vials instead of the single vial i requested. seeing as it was the second day of my surge, there was no reason to use the second one. but now i have to call in the morning and triple check the charge on the tank and see if i need to keep it around and get it refilled before sending it back, or is there enough that sending it back tomorrow will get it back still frozen.

so another 2ww. feels a little surreal, a little unreal at the moment. i think i'm going to wrap things up for the evening and listen to my meditation and wonder how to stay sane for the next couple of weeks.

CD11

small milestone this morning. the fertility monitor actually gave me a "High" reading *before* giving me a "Peak" reading. yep, usually my E2 and LH are so out of sync i jump from Low to Peak, and then have a day of High. but not this cycle!

now, i just have to work on taxes, office work and ugh, some gardening while waiting for Tank to arrive today.

oh, and pee on OPK sticks a few more times to watch that LH!

and we're back.

back to CD1, that is.

yep, blew a follicle early last cycle. way too early, which means, hello, estrogen dominance was rearing it's head the cycle previous and left me with a few extra friends in the ovary.

but despite the raging cramps at the moment, i'm feeling hopeful to staying in balance this cycle, and giving this another normally timed try.

as if anything in this whole process can be considered normal.

no gift under my tree this year

i'm still busy processing much of last week/this past weekend while quietly throwing a temper tantrum about the suckage that is my job.

my nice high temps plummeted last Friday. AF arrived earlier than I expected on Saturday. by Sunday I was bleeding more than I ever had, complete with clots. early miscarriage? yeah, all signs point to it.

i'm back to feeling like I'm stuck with a broken body. estrogen dominance is now wrecking havoc on my luteal phase and causing implantation issues. the huge fear of running out of time is looming over me.

and once again the acupuncturist brought up the "elephant in the room": another surgery for the endometriosis.

it's been 12 or 13 years since my last lap. i'm pretty much asymptomatic except for the fact i can feel every centimeter of my large bowel (painfully so) and my estrogen remains through the roof.

I'm benched for this cycle as we try and balance things out and await the complete hormone panel. and though i don't want more downtime, i know that my acupuncturist is right about the surgery. so much so, i'm going to call my gyn right now for an appointment to talk to him about it, and see if he would be willing to go in for a third time.

i had so wanted to be able to tell my parents they would be grandparents for a gift this holiday. sometimes i think wanting something so much just seems to make it impossible.

2ww

honestly, this work thing has got to stop being so demanding of my time. don't they realize i have a life on-line that needs tending to?

this 2ww may very well be the one that does me in. i somehow managed to avoid the obsessive over analyzing of every twitch and nudge my body experienced on prior 2ww, but not this time around. oy! i'm driving myself batty. crampy and tugging 7 dpo? check. constant creamy cm? check. implantation temp dip 8dpo? check. nice temp spike 9dpo? check. someone stop me, please!

i think the reason for all this obsessing this time around is simply because things were lining up so perfectly with this last IUI. my LH surge will still strong in the morning when i called the midwife. i then called my mom and asked her if she wanted to be here for the IUI. and the upon meeting the midwife, i was just wow. one of those moments when you had a flash that this is someone who had mean a midwife for many lifetimes. there is just something about her style and personality that if it could be pictured or described, it would be in the dictionary next to "midwife". i was immediately at ease and comfortable. i also loved that she brought her pre-teen daughter as a helper.

the procedure itself was beyond easy and quick -- the easiest of all by far. she confirmed that my cervix and cm was just as i had reported. and that my os was very open. so open that she insisted i stay curled up on the bed for a while and nap lest the swim team loose their sense of direction and head the wrong way.

i had been thinking in the morning how timing wise, this was actually quite lovely. conception as we head into winter, and the darkness of the year, my favorite time. birth as fall, second favorite season is approaching. as i looked out on the steely gray skies, i said, "oh, if only it would snow, then i would know all was perfect." and it did smell like snow, but none of the forecasters were saying it would happen.

it was the cherry on the sundae that was missing for the day. until my mom called that evening and and told me to look out into the dark. snow! so not that i'm now putting too much weight and promise on the day, but seriously, whatever little spirit is out there waiting to nestle in and become my child has quite the temptation. their grandmother there for the IUI, my joy and bliss, and all the signs lined up.

so that is where we are right now. i was inexplicably exhausted yesterday, but honestly, this time of year with the hours at work, it really isn't that unusual. i'm excited to see my acupuncturist tomorrow as always to see what she might say about my chart and pulse.

and yet at the same time, i'm trying to remind myself that i could simply be lining myself up for a very big disappointment.

::deep breath::

things will happen as they must and in their time.

eep!

how cool is this from the usual IF merry-go-round: just called the mid-wife, and she will come to my house this afternoon at 3 to do the IUI.

i get to sip tea, relax, decorate the house (okay, do some office work, too), have my music playing, maybe do some yoga and be happy in my own "nest" while reaching out to my child that is waiting.

as a single woman trying to conceive on her her own, this is the closest to "the traditional way" you're going to get.

missing in action

sorry, folks, welcome to the crazy time of year. work life has shifted from the 60 hours a week schedule to 80 hours-eat your entire life schedule. i don't have time for much beyond work, commute, sleep, shower. lather, rinse, repeat.

that said, in the midst of this uber-high stress atmosphere, we are on CD11 and trying to do one really well timed IUI with the midwife this time around. that is, if my LH surge would behave and show up. my poor CBE fertility monitor has been completely bamboozled by the happy shift in my hormones (hello, estrogen!) brought on by the massive amounts of red clover infusions i've been consuming. the darned thing is just reading "high" fertility all the time. my 10 pm OPK tests have been annoyingly stark white, even with my 10 am OPKs starting to show a hint of a line.

add to that that my my temp jumped this morning, and i was convinced that i somehow missed ovulation. at which point i reminded myself that hello, my cervix was not high until today, and the EWCM is still scant. though, there *is* EWCM already -- even when my cervix was low and firm. lovely stuff. this i completely credit the massive amounts of oat top infusions and FertileCM i've been ingesting. :)

today's 10am OPK is darker than yesterday's, and yesterday's was darker than Wednesdays, and Tuesday's was stark white. i think it is coming, just slowly. and maybe i'm drinking too much water between my 6 pm pee and 10 pm test. but darn, i'm thirsty! and there are herb infusions to consume!

keep your fingers crossed that tomorrow or Sunday's mid-day OPK is a super strong positive i've come to expect.

in the meantime, i've got to do some yoga tonight to calm myself down.

and stop checking my top desk-drawer where my 10am test is stashed to see if it is suddenly darkening to a strong surge

there is a BFN lurking at the end of this week

insanely busy with work. just wanted to sneak by a say sorry, no temp spike indicating that anything caught this time around. bugger, i really wanted this one to be the one.

so after a near-crying session with the acupuncturist last night, she talked me away from the edge of my looming depression and we formulated a "Plan B" for next cycle. i want to try an IUI again. The trick is finding someone around here who will do it unmedicated.

i called one midwife's office this morning, was treated rudely and told, "a nurse might call you back". 6 hours later, no call back. gah. make appointment just to go in and talk? have no clue.

found an email address for the second name acupuncturist gave me and just sent a note off to her explaining my situation and what i'm looking for. if we could please have a collective group of crossed fingers out there, i'd appreciate it.

Single Hussy needs to get back to being Single Career Gal

how to flush money down the toilet

or up your who-hah, in this case. completely jumped the gun on the LH surge. with no temp spike this morning, and a now getting darker OPK test strip, i frantically called the clinic and asked to speak to a nurse regarding today's IUI to see if we could wait for my temp surge. i got no call back. after a half hour, i called the IVF lab to let them know and ask them to hold off prepping the sample.

literally 5 minutes too late. ::insert fouls language here accompanied by massive crying jag::

as i was curled up sobbing on my bed, ranting at the unfairness of the universe, i was really reminded about what sucks doing this on your own -- there is now one there to hold you as you lose it. there is no phone call you can make to someone who really totally gets it. it just completely and totally sucks. and makes you cry all the harder and rant at the universe for additional reasons.

so i went in for the hopeless IUI part deux. the nurse gave me a coupon for a free 300 pen of Folistim that i can use with the Bravelle protocol for the next cycle. that is, if i decide to jump right into medicated.

i came home and curled up with my laptop and a box of Kleenex and started comparing length of viability on ICI vs. IUI prepped post-thaw samples. the 4 hour window my IVF lab is giving me for their IUI prep makes me find it pretty flipping impossible that anyone can time an IUI correctly and have it be successful. i know i heard that the ICI samples do better - maybe even up to 24 hours. so once again, i got to thinking.

maybe i'll wait a few cycles before jumping into the injectables. yes, my ovaries suck and have hardly any eggs. but clearly, for the 18 months i've been off the pill, i am ovulating. my cycles are like clockwork, complete with night sweats during my leautal phase (which is quite long, thanks) which to me says oh, hai thare progesterone. gee, you're produced by a corpus luteum, right? you only get those when you actually ovulate.

so what if for the next few cycles i stick with the acupuncture and decide to do this on my own at home. what the hell -- the sperm alone is expensive, but not nearly as expensive as adding in another $1K for the office IUI, plus the cost of the blood work, and then the cost of the injectables. i know my donor has ICI samples, but i may also go back and check my other contenders against the donor sibling registry just out of curiosity. or, i wonder if the bank would tell me who out of choices had the best numbers.

it may be crazy, but something keeps pulling me back to this idea. i know after everything the doctor said, it shouldn't be an option, but why do i keep thinking it is? (oh, i know, because what i really need is fresh not frozen, and things would probably work!)

as always, feedback and thoughts on this are welcome.

IUI#2, part the second

sorry, don't mean to turn into Ms. Posty McPants here, but i figured some answers to questions and potentially hopeful news was in order. and thanks for meandbaby for the encouragement on the 7mil. i like hearing those kinds of stories!

so i had two burning questions for the nurse today during my IUI. first, hiking a local mountain this weekend, yea or nay? she gave me the yea, as long as i stay hydrated. the culprit after IUI is anything involving jumping about, and it doesn't have to do with conception, more the state of swollen ovaries and the risk of torsion. big concern for those on stims. me and my 50 mg of clomid, not so much.

my second question had to do with the timing of the IUIs given my ovulation/temp spike overnight. she said that was absolutely perfect, and just what they are shooting for. whew! feel much better about that.

today's number was 24mil. now, she also explained something on the report and numbers that 'm being given. the is a % of motility after wash, but that total count (7 mil, 24 mil) is only of motile swimmers after the wash. today was 40% motility with a resulting 24mil actual swimmers. in my mind, that makes the 7mil of yesterday seem much, much better. i had been thinking only 23% of the 7mil were showing any attempt to make an effort. 7mil raring to go puts me in a whole new frame of mind.

the nurse (we'll call her Babs) today was awesome -- she is the head RN for the clinic whom i met with as part of my first visit with the RE, and she walks you through charting and the whole coordinating with the cryobank and the clinic. just one of those people who gives off a great vibe. not that the entire clinic staff hasn't been wonderful. i love how they ask at every IUI if you know if you need a special speculum, and has there been a problem with your cervix in any prior IUI. considering some of the horror stories others have shared, it makes very appreciative

of course i'm now at the point of laughing about that when they ask since my cervix is apparently of the hey sailor, new in town? variety. two nurses have now literally exclaimed "wow, you're easy!" while feeding in the catheter. there's something about hearing that as you are in the ever dignified position of feet in stirrups and butt hanging off the edge of the table that cracks me up.

okay, i guess i'm officially back in the 2ww.

worries and doubts and voices in my head

i'm a swirl of various things right now, so excuse me as i try and sort them out up here.

first off, yesterday's IUI went off without a hitch. well, except for the numbers of the swim-team, that is. on my first IUI, day 1's numbers were 53 mil with 45% motility, but day 2 dropped to a shocking 7 mil with 30% motility. still, i figured 60 mil total was good.

yesterday, no so good. 7 mil with 23% motility. the nurse seemed surprised, and then tried to assure me that pregnancies happened with worse numbers. yeah, but remember we have my pathetic eggs in this mix as well. thinking these numbers were not what my bank promised, i called them yesterday afternoon and explained the situation. they weer shocked and concerned as well, but said that a substandard report had not been filled by my RE's lab so that it could be investigated and options pursued. remember, i'm starting with ICI samples, so my clinic's wash is the only one they are getting -- my numbers should be a hell of a lot better -- at least 10mil, more likely 15mil.

so i have a call into the my clinic's cryobank so i can get them to submit that paperwork. and i'm thinking that if today is bad numbers as well, i may have to go for the back-up donor. ETA: and the clinic's lab just called me and said they would get the paperwork filled out and faxed today and give me a call to let me know when it had been faxed so i can also call and follow up with the cryobank.

needless to say, i tried not to focus on this too much yesterday, and had my massage therapy in the evening, and she gave me a full body work-up to get the blood flowing, and worked fertility/conception triggers. i have acupuncture tonight after found 2 today, so i at least feel like i'm doing everything that i can on my end.

except for the second niggling worry in the back of my head -- my timing. i keep thinking i should have called to go in Sunday morning, despite the negative OPK that morning. other signs were there, and gee, wouldn't you know last night as i went to bed, i clearly felt ovulation start on my left side (my right side seems to be completely defunct after all). temp rise this morning confirmed it, so i almost feel like today is a waste -- won't it be 12 hours after? what's the point? other signs (cervix and mucus) also had shifted by last night, where as friday, saturday and sunday were clearly doing the rah!rah! we're ready right now! dance for me. next month -- if i have to do this next month -- i may go more with my gut instinct and see if i can't jump things a day early.

and so now for me getting all touchy-feely. you've been warned....

after all this doubt and niggling, last night when i went to bed, i read some more of Spirit Babies (which has been a really interesting read -- some folks would say kooky and out there, but my theory is hey, we don't know everything about the Universe, shut up and at least listen for fun). i had managed a great meditation on saturday when drifting in that should i nap state, actually feeling a flow of energy around my hips reaching and expanding out. i thought my welcoming mantra, reaching out for my child. last night after reading and turning of the light, i immediately felt that energy around my hips again, without even trying. again those welcoming thoughts for my child, and i suddenly realized i was thinking of the child as "him" (i've always tried to keep my thoughts gender neutral), and as i realized this with a bit of shock, i felt almost a joyous laugh and acknowledgment in that energy around my hips. like i said, kind of kooky, but very real in the moment, and enough to make tears of happiness spring to my eyes. today i'm staying focused on that, that feeling, that presence, and that positive power i have in myself.

wow, i can't wait for acupuncture tonight to meditate on this some more, and let all the worries wash away.

well, my predictions are off these days

finally had a + OPK last night. it was negative again this morning, which confirms that yes, i do have an insanely short LH surge. just called the lab at the RE clinic, and the swim team is being roused from sleep for a meeting today at 11.

start thinking those fertile and nice egg meets nice sperm thoughts.

forgot to mention that last week i got dragged to a karate class by a co-worker. no, i'm not the karate or kickboxing type, but it was an open house, and i figured, what the heck. co-worker D and co-worker M were both going to be there, so let's have some fun.

i am apparently a bit of a natural when it come to hitting things. and kicking things. and i kept up the whole way with an insanely intense cardio class. me 3 months ago would never have been able to do it. never. the changes in how i feel are just amazing, and after class, D and M and i were sitting around talking about that, the stress of our jobs, etc., etc., they were asking about my yoga and my acupuncture, and no, they didn't know about my plans. D may of had an inkling as we talked maybe a year ago about adoption and such. but for some reason, that night, i looked at the both of them, and said, "okay, please don't say anything, but...." and gave them the details.

neither flinched or acted surprised. in fact, M started talking about how she's going to be 40 soon, and she really has changed her mind about having kids, and also knows she is not interested at all in being married. i could tell she is deep in the throes of thinking of taking this step. i've got my fingers crossed for her that she decides to take that leap. i would be so nice to have someone local heading into this much the same time as me!

and i thought it was just me!!

discovered via Me and Baby's blog: Fertility Socks!

and here i thought i was the kooky one who decided to wear funky over-the-knee socks to all my procedures just to keep things fun. and they are a good conversation starter -- the crew at the HSG lab loved them!

i'm already worrying about what ones to where for the next IUI, which could be as soon as Friday. eep! acupuncturist gave me her cell number so i can call and she can do work on me right after. when i mentioned it might be on the weekend, she was trying to think what she was had planned. i snickered and said i had a date planned.

yup. i'm insane, and figured fate needed one mo er good reason to bless me with a baby, so i said yes when a friend asked if she could introduce me to her son. we've been talking a bit, but i figured i'll save the "oh, hey, did you know i might be pregnant?" line for a bit later. ;)

hey, you never know when life is going to present you with the right moment. i might as well try and seize all of them at once.

and here i said i wouldn't be a nutter in my 2ww

that was before i headed over for IUI part 2 today, and a nurse approached me and asked if i would like to be part of a research study for a new at home early pregnancy test. what the heck. i wasn't going to go crazy on the POAS simply because the fear of disappointment is so huge. but no, i get to do two a day from CD21 on....

what is even cooler is they provides all the supplies, including the ClearBlue Easy that is being tested against. this and compensated at the end?

so of course now that i've allowed myself the POAS during the wait, you know i'm going to be obsessing over early pregnancy signs. damn this internet and glut of information at my fingertips!

of course i'm all a flutter at the moment since for the entire afternoon it has felt like my uterus is having a wrestling match with my bladder. either that, or it's a rowdy frat party in there with them waiting for a chick to jump out of a cake. oh, hey, that is what's going on! we got a party of 60mil on board and with any luck, at least one hot looking healthy chick headed their way.

or, it could be my completely weak and stressed out caving and consuming of the last small piece of heavily frosted chocolate cake left in the kitchen at work. i should have stopped after the first bite and i was overloaded by the richness of gluten/sugar/chocolate. mm, hmm. you saw that weak and stressed above, right?

numbers for today's specimen were not as good as yesterday. 53mil yesterday as compared to 7mil today. i know 60 is a good total, but sill, quite a difference. motility is still excellent. i'm hoping it isn't an issue to be revised with a subsequent IUI unless that is T42.

i did finally get in touch with the acupuncturist (what's this spring vacation stuff?) and have an appointment thursday morning. another appointment to finesse at work. i think i'm definitely going to have to be in the office this weekend to pull off this week.

for now, i think i need to go change into comfy clothes, light up a stick of the uber-expensive incense i brought home from japan, and do my fertility yoga and meditate. i'm focusing on thoughts of doing the impossible, and having the clinic be floored with getting a pregnancy for someone who had an FSH of 31...