drive-by posting

All my classes these days seem to be focusing on fertilized eggs and the growth of zygote to fetus. I never thought this would drive me batty, but yeah, constant reminders.

And I suppose I should also mention chemical pregnancy #4. An actual positive on the DPO12. Symptoms up the wazoo. But then suddenly, night sweats. I panicked, and rightly so. I checked again on DPO14 (which was before my scheduled beta) and it was negative. Beta day was mandatory with the new office, so it was not a good day. Anyway, it happened. It's over. I'm back to being crazy busy with other bits of life and rebuilding that shattered wall of my emotions, again hoping it is stronger than the prior walls I kept having to rebuild.

I remain in a holding pattern, hoping for an egg or frozen embryo to come my way. Have some interesting thoughts and debates on that. But right now, I really need to get back to class stuff.

no go

something happened this past cycle, but early Monday morning I began to spot. having one of the most violent periods ever.

am going to have to do some serious reconsidering of my approach on things, and reanalyze what i can get insurance to cover and what i can't.

i'm angry, frustrated, and mighty pissed off at the Universe right now. this is not the life i was going to grow up and have. some small piece of it has to come true.

there is no sign as sure as a ruined pair of knickers

and they were snazzy new ones, too. but looks like even with the prometrium, my 27/28 day cycle is a sure thing. spotting for CD1 on the way.

the estrogen, it is strong with this one...

no gift under my tree this year

i'm still busy processing much of last week/this past weekend while quietly throwing a temper tantrum about the suckage that is my job.

my nice high temps plummeted last Friday. AF arrived earlier than I expected on Saturday. by Sunday I was bleeding more than I ever had, complete with clots. early miscarriage? yeah, all signs point to it.

i'm back to feeling like I'm stuck with a broken body. estrogen dominance is now wrecking havoc on my luteal phase and causing implantation issues. the huge fear of running out of time is looming over me.

and once again the acupuncturist brought up the "elephant in the room": another surgery for the endometriosis.

it's been 12 or 13 years since my last lap. i'm pretty much asymptomatic except for the fact i can feel every centimeter of my large bowel (painfully so) and my estrogen remains through the roof.

I'm benched for this cycle as we try and balance things out and await the complete hormone panel. and though i don't want more downtime, i know that my acupuncturist is right about the surgery. so much so, i'm going to call my gyn right now for an appointment to talk to him about it, and see if he would be willing to go in for a third time.

i had so wanted to be able to tell my parents they would be grandparents for a gift this holiday. sometimes i think wanting something so much just seems to make it impossible.

there is a BFN lurking at the end of this week

insanely busy with work. just wanted to sneak by a say sorry, no temp spike indicating that anything caught this time around. bugger, i really wanted this one to be the one.

so after a near-crying session with the acupuncturist last night, she talked me away from the edge of my looming depression and we formulated a "Plan B" for next cycle. i want to try an IUI again. The trick is finding someone around here who will do it unmedicated.

i called one midwife's office this morning, was treated rudely and told, "a nurse might call you back". 6 hours later, no call back. gah. make appointment just to go in and talk? have no clue.

found an email address for the second name acupuncturist gave me and just sent a note off to her explaining my situation and what i'm looking for. if we could please have a collective group of crossed fingers out there, i'd appreciate it.

Single Hussy needs to get back to being Single Career Gal

at least i have *some* luck!

after a week of being tired and cranky because my boobs hurt so frickin' much (not to mention the whole lets gain a cup size so no bra fits! shenanigans), things are starting to ease down, sadly. yet not the boob size. yes, you can take these puppies away now, thanks progesterone. message about being at a healthy level received loud and clear.

temps are simply above coverline with no secondary spike. ::sigh::

but on the bright side, i just found out that i won a Bend Breathe and Conceive DVD from The Mind Reels! wow! i will confess that i've been on a whole Fairhaven Health kick this past cycle. FertilAid, Fertile CM (okay, yes, that stuff definitely works), and FertiliTea. every little bit helps, right? and we all know my love of yoga. now, hopefully this DVD will kick my fanny back into actually practicing instead of coming home and saying my boobs hurt too much and crawling into bed instead.

BFN

went ahead and tested this morning since my boobs are driving my insane. negative.

and yet:
boobs still crazy kill-me-now sore.
still insanely tired.
period is missing - this is luteal day 18. (CD30)
no sense that AF is is approaching. nothing. nada. not a cramp or twinge in the tummy when i eat.
my house smells like i have been cooking rice (i haven't), so phantom smells are p and running.
C-R-A-Z-Y dreams last night, but then, when do i not have crazy dreams. still, can remember tons of details on these.
i still feel like i need to eat a giant bag of salt & vinegar crisps a day.
temp this morning was 98.2 again.
massage therapist tonight commented by hips were really warm, which is different for me.

i'm chalking this up to being pregnant for a nanosecond, and that sometime tomorrow, AF will arrive. of course, i said that to myself last night, but whatever. i finally obtained my copy of The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth (hey, it's a straight girl doin' it on her own best guide, too!). also think i located a tank refill location. geared up and ready for a do it yourself special next cycle.

of course when that will be, who the heck knows!

::sigh::

BFN.

i knew it was coming since i hadn't had a secondary temp spike, but what is most likely allergies had me thinking i'd won the lottery with being utterly knackered, food tasting off, constant upset stomach, and low grade headache. of course at 5:15 am yesterday, you probably all heard my frustrated yell of "F&*^!!" as my temp dropped from it's 5 day streak of 98.4 to 98.2, despite me bundling myself in multiple layers before heading to bed.

so i'm a faced with a decision right now. the nurse who called yesterday told me to call back on CD1 to schedule my baseline scan for the next cycle. bwuh? i asked was this DC3 bloodwork or a sonogram. she said a sonogram since after medicated cycles they need to check for any cysts and see if you need to take a break. i explained that, hi, i'm single and thus uninsured for such things, and no, had not had one done previously. she seemed highly confused and read through my chart, but still insisted it was SOP to do a scan, but she'd put a note on my file, so when i called they could let me know if it was actually necessary.

of course part of me would love to have the scan done because i'd like to know just what shape my right ovary is in, and if half of it is missing (or it's just shriveled up like some forlorn raisin) as my RE said the bloodwork had her thinking.

my checkbook on the other hand is hiding in the corner whimpering at this point at the mere thought of one more fertility related bill to pay. doesn't help that i smacked it around earlier this morning with an OMG, i need more fertility help spending spree for FertileCM support, FertilityBlend and FertiliTea (because obviously the 6 million supplements and teas i'm already taking have not done anything for me).

i'm also toying with the idea of one last IUI at the clinic, and if that doesn't work, switching to ICI on my own. of course, that may be completely insane given my age and fertility workup. which is where a scan revealing antral follicle count and all the rest could really be enlightening and help decide if i would be throwing my money away on sperm or not. and then there is the question of doing the ICI unmedicated, or talking the RE into clomid while i do this.

because, hey, i do obviously respond and ovulate with the clomid. but then i went and read this article on our amazing ovaries and how they really work.

i followed it up with this article on how thinking too much and overanalyzing everything in this journey does not help. well, duh. i then made myself try and focus on actual work. for about a whole 15 minutes before staring into space and slowly sliding back to the internets.

anyway, i'd love to hear opinions of those who are, ahem, more mature and facing some challenges with conceiving, but managed to do it at home. is it worth saving the $850+ in clinic fees a month? am i looking at better or worse odds?

the official BFN

thanks for everyone who was rooting for a first shot miracle, but as i expected, the blood work showed a BFN today. not too surprising since a) my temps didn't show that tri-phasic jump, and b) no + on those sticks i've been testing.

(and what fun -- i get to continue POAS until AF shows up for the testing protocal...)

good news in speaking with the nurse in that Dr. W was very pleased with my blood test results as far as the progesterone, as it indicated that i was in fact responding to the clomid and clearly had a couple follicle i ovulated from. for a progesterone reading where they want to see a 10, i had a 60. this explains the past 4 nights of crazy night sweats. i'll be glad when those corpus luteum leave town -- by my charts, i've got a few more rough nights in store.

i let them know i was going to take next cycle off to get my body in better shape. they said no problem, and that Dr. W had approved me for a couple my tries on the current protocal (50 mg clomid, no trigger) when i was ready.

off to brew up some tension tamer tea to remind myself to keep the stress at bay, and gee, i guess i put those DHEA tablets in my pocket today for a reason. :)