no gift under my tree this year

i'm still busy processing much of last week/this past weekend while quietly throwing a temper tantrum about the suckage that is my job.

my nice high temps plummeted last Friday. AF arrived earlier than I expected on Saturday. by Sunday I was bleeding more than I ever had, complete with clots. early miscarriage? yeah, all signs point to it.

i'm back to feeling like I'm stuck with a broken body. estrogen dominance is now wrecking havoc on my luteal phase and causing implantation issues. the huge fear of running out of time is looming over me.

and once again the acupuncturist brought up the "elephant in the room": another surgery for the endometriosis.

it's been 12 or 13 years since my last lap. i'm pretty much asymptomatic except for the fact i can feel every centimeter of my large bowel (painfully so) and my estrogen remains through the roof.

I'm benched for this cycle as we try and balance things out and await the complete hormone panel. and though i don't want more downtime, i know that my acupuncturist is right about the surgery. so much so, i'm going to call my gyn right now for an appointment to talk to him about it, and see if he would be willing to go in for a third time.

i had so wanted to be able to tell my parents they would be grandparents for a gift this holiday. sometimes i think wanting something so much just seems to make it impossible.

2ww

honestly, this work thing has got to stop being so demanding of my time. don't they realize i have a life on-line that needs tending to?

this 2ww may very well be the one that does me in. i somehow managed to avoid the obsessive over analyzing of every twitch and nudge my body experienced on prior 2ww, but not this time around. oy! i'm driving myself batty. crampy and tugging 7 dpo? check. constant creamy cm? check. implantation temp dip 8dpo? check. nice temp spike 9dpo? check. someone stop me, please!

i think the reason for all this obsessing this time around is simply because things were lining up so perfectly with this last IUI. my LH surge will still strong in the morning when i called the midwife. i then called my mom and asked her if she wanted to be here for the IUI. and the upon meeting the midwife, i was just wow. one of those moments when you had a flash that this is someone who had mean a midwife for many lifetimes. there is just something about her style and personality that if it could be pictured or described, it would be in the dictionary next to "midwife". i was immediately at ease and comfortable. i also loved that she brought her pre-teen daughter as a helper.

the procedure itself was beyond easy and quick -- the easiest of all by far. she confirmed that my cervix and cm was just as i had reported. and that my os was very open. so open that she insisted i stay curled up on the bed for a while and nap lest the swim team loose their sense of direction and head the wrong way.

i had been thinking in the morning how timing wise, this was actually quite lovely. conception as we head into winter, and the darkness of the year, my favorite time. birth as fall, second favorite season is approaching. as i looked out on the steely gray skies, i said, "oh, if only it would snow, then i would know all was perfect." and it did smell like snow, but none of the forecasters were saying it would happen.

it was the cherry on the sundae that was missing for the day. until my mom called that evening and and told me to look out into the dark. snow! so not that i'm now putting too much weight and promise on the day, but seriously, whatever little spirit is out there waiting to nestle in and become my child has quite the temptation. their grandmother there for the IUI, my joy and bliss, and all the signs lined up.

so that is where we are right now. i was inexplicably exhausted yesterday, but honestly, this time of year with the hours at work, it really isn't that unusual. i'm excited to see my acupuncturist tomorrow as always to see what she might say about my chart and pulse.

and yet at the same time, i'm trying to remind myself that i could simply be lining myself up for a very big disappointment.

::deep breath::

things will happen as they must and in their time.

eep!

how cool is this from the usual IF merry-go-round: just called the mid-wife, and she will come to my house this afternoon at 3 to do the IUI.

i get to sip tea, relax, decorate the house (okay, do some office work, too), have my music playing, maybe do some yoga and be happy in my own "nest" while reaching out to my child that is waiting.

as a single woman trying to conceive on her her own, this is the closest to "the traditional way" you're going to get.

missing in action

sorry, folks, welcome to the crazy time of year. work life has shifted from the 60 hours a week schedule to 80 hours-eat your entire life schedule. i don't have time for much beyond work, commute, sleep, shower. lather, rinse, repeat.

that said, in the midst of this uber-high stress atmosphere, we are on CD11 and trying to do one really well timed IUI with the midwife this time around. that is, if my LH surge would behave and show up. my poor CBE fertility monitor has been completely bamboozled by the happy shift in my hormones (hello, estrogen!) brought on by the massive amounts of red clover infusions i've been consuming. the darned thing is just reading "high" fertility all the time. my 10 pm OPK tests have been annoyingly stark white, even with my 10 am OPKs starting to show a hint of a line.

add to that that my my temp jumped this morning, and i was convinced that i somehow missed ovulation. at which point i reminded myself that hello, my cervix was not high until today, and the EWCM is still scant. though, there *is* EWCM already -- even when my cervix was low and firm. lovely stuff. this i completely credit the massive amounts of oat top infusions and FertileCM i've been ingesting. :)

today's 10am OPK is darker than yesterday's, and yesterday's was darker than Wednesdays, and Tuesday's was stark white. i think it is coming, just slowly. and maybe i'm drinking too much water between my 6 pm pee and 10 pm test. but darn, i'm thirsty! and there are herb infusions to consume!

keep your fingers crossed that tomorrow or Sunday's mid-day OPK is a super strong positive i've come to expect.

in the meantime, i've got to do some yoga tonight to calm myself down.

and stop checking my top desk-drawer where my 10am test is stashed to see if it is suddenly darkening to a strong surge

things that make you go hmmm....

great, just gave myself an earworm for the rest of the day with that post title.

this cycle seems to be off to a good start, except for a few hiccups at the moment. most interesting was that my fertility monitor started the month (CD7) with giving me a "high" fertility reading. wow, have never gotten that prior to ovulation before! looking at the test strips (event though they say not to) it was clear it was because my estrogen was high.

of course the monitor did completely miss my LH surge yesterday. this is why i double test with OPKs, folks. had a nice strong surge yesterday at noon that held steady until 10 pm. by this morning it passed, so the clueless fertility monitor just kept reading high, even though estrogen was starting to lighten up.

the only question i have right now is whether i actually ovulated last night. temp jumped from 97.3. to 97.7 this morning, which is below my "usual" coverline, but last month, i wondered if my coverline hadn't dropped a couple points thanks to the winter temps. also, a pretty pathetic ovulation jump for me, and given the last couple cycles as far as LH surge and timing to O, it was a wee bit quick. way to make me worry madly about timing the IUI next month, silly body.

cervix is still high and soft this morning, with lovely EWCM. day three of amazing EWCM. i'm so proud of my old cervix finally getting into the grove of things here.

i suppose tomorrow will tell me what happened, and i'll just have to figure out things from there for next month. just makes me crazy nuts if i'm switching to a single IUI for the cycle. though trust me, my checkbook loves the idea.

and we have a winner!

oh, i can't wait to type that subject line after a 2ww.... but for now, it will have to be the winner of the FertleCM from Fairhaven Health. 9 comments on the entry, and after entering them into the randomizer. . .

#6 comment is from ttc4toolong! congrats! drop me an email with your name and mailing address, and i will get this in the mail to you.

in the meantime, another giveaway. this is another favorite of mine, the FeriliTea. you all know how much i love my tea and trying to find a few minutes to relax. this is a great herbal blend that is soothing and minty, and yet, full of all those fertility herbs we hear so much about. this is my staple upon walking in the door from work.

just leave a comment here in this entry, by next Sunday, November 8 Monday, November 16, answering the question "what is your favorite thing to do to relax?" i will again pick a winner from all the comments -- and maybe try an incorporate some relaxation ideas into my life!

don't forget about the discount Fairhaven Health is offering everyone of 10% off your entire order by December 31, 2009. just enter "GREATDEAL" as the discount code. it's not just fertility and conception aids, but also pregnancy and nursing supplies on their site. i used the code to order a beautiful fertility bracelet for myself, as a reminder and calming touchstone. (it's a bit too large for my wrist, but makes a great anklet until i can get a jewelry savvy friend to take it down to my size!)

[as full disclosure, i'm not associated with Fairhaven Health, nor am i being paid for these reviews or giveaways. i had actually been using their products before they approached me and asked if i was interested in offering giveaways on this blog. knowing how expensive this journey is for many of us, i jumped at the chance to share some goodies with fellow tryers.]

road signs?

part of my pushing for natural cycles right now has been my treatment at the RE clinic, and feeling like nothing but a cog in their wheel. my infertility should be simply situational, but they see things in numbers, so that "40" stamped across my forehead means i'm in the hopeless range.

of course i'd searched for other fertility clinics, but being a smaller state, nothing came up but the one clinic i was going to, linked to notorious hospital, part of huge massive soul-eating medical group. there wouldn't be other options, unless i opted to travel out of state, which i was kind of toying with. i know the RE i've seen is excellent, and very much a realist, but she feels very much to be lacking a soul. the whole place does. this is a painful and frustrating journey -- you'd expect those in it day to day to have compassion and humanity. it must just get dragged out of them with all they see...

giving my musings this week about how i want a road sign telling me which way to go, tonight's experience has me going hmmm.... there was a huge new billboard up on the highway, saying something along the lines of "need help having a baby? bear left" with a big arrow. it was pointing towards huge massive soul-eating medical groups shiny hospitals and my clinic, so i figured it was their ad. but it wasn't their signature colors, so i searched for a name.

oh, hello huge fertility specialist from neighboring state. i had no idea you now had a office around the corner from my REs group. i'm up on their website now and fining it a wealth of information, unlike my clinic which is simply, read our name! we are linked with hospital! this is all you need to know!

looking for some metaphorical road sign and i find a literal one. i may have a back-up plan for my back-up plan.

planning, planning, planning

well, this cycle off is beginning to draw to a close, and i'm trying to decide if i'm taking next cycle off as well, or if i'm ready to jump back on the wagon.

emotionally, i am more than anxious to be back in the game. dreams, thoughts and desires for this to finally work are haunting me. i'm selfishly cranky and annoyed when i hear of someone else's good fortune of a BFP (most especially when when i feel that individual is clueless and a walking train-wreck and gets a BFP on the first try -- wtf?). basically i'm exhibiting all the healthy signs of a tryer.

physically, this cycle was not as picture perfect on paper as i wanted. despite having a nice long follicular phase, another long and strong LH surge, and feeling a lot of activity on my ovary, that magnificent temp spike i usually get was missing. a spike of any sort was missing. the only thing i can speculate about is that my bum right ovary somehow interfered with the development of a nice corpus lutem (endo scar tissue interference?). that is, if i was even able to ovulate on that side, and the follicle wasn't trapped under the endo scared portion of the ovary. i know i develop follicles on that side, despite the fact the ovary is only half the size of the left. but the scaring is a huge issue.

so part of me is thinking maybe i should take off another month and see what another "natural" cycle looks like. my bank account wouldn't mind a break either to recover and save up for more frozen pop. but, i did hear back from a midwife who very much wants to work with me, so that too makes me all the more anxious to jump back into the game.

of course i'm also trying to figure out the long-term game plan at the same time. how many more natural IUIs with the midwife do i give myself? two? three? at what point would it be wise to just suck it up and head back to the RE factory and dive into debt with meds, scans and push my body to the limit? it's tough because i've followed a lot of journeys these past few months of medicated cycles that have resulted in BFPs. i wish there was some way to know what was the right way for my body. some kind of road sign in flashing neon that says "success this way."

life is never that easy.

this is also the first day in over a week that's i've actually felt human. i've been down with the flu this last week (another reason to stay on the bench next cycle?). rather humiliating given all my healthy living, eating and supplements, but i suppose sometimes there is no escaping a determined virus.

i suppose i'll suss it all out this week as i talk to the acupuncturist, and finally call the midwife back -- now that my voice has returned.

IT'S GIVE-AWAY TIME!

okay, okay, i'm out of the habit of blogging when work goes cuckoo on me and i decide to take a cycle or two off of trying. but, even though i'm benched for the next few week, it does not mean i'm pouring back the vino and ignoring my old body.

nope, still doing my supplements, and today, i'm going to share with you one of my favorites i've found along this wacky journey: FertileCM.

yup, i'd seen all the stuff all over the blogosphere on FertilAid and FertileCM, but didn't pay too much attention because i figured, oh, i'm doing fine with my supplements. as i head into clomid cycles. with a 40 year old body.

and i wondered why i was having problems charting my CM as directed. i mean, where was this elusive stuff? i knew clomid was drying and all, but really?

then on my third round of clomid, i gave in and ordered some FerileCM, since the old "drink lots of pineapple juice and take evening primrose oil" had done nothing for me. it arrived on CD6, i started taking it, and in less than a week -- while taking clomid -- i had a light bulb moment. THAT was CM! and pretty soon it became omg, EWCM!

love this stuff -- it can wake up even a 40 year cervix and teach it how to do its job.

so, if you would like to try some, just leave comment to this post by October 30. i'll be doing a random drawing from all comments on Saturday, October 31st - how's that for a trick or treat? trust me, it's a treat. ;)

in the meantime, if you want to check out Fairhaven Health and their other products (i'll be posting reviews and giveaways on them in the next couple of weeks), i have a special coupon code for you. just enter "GREATDEAL" at checkout and get 10% off your entire order before December 31.

getting back in the swing of things

whew! didn't mean to vanish like that, but once it was clear i was going to have to take this cycle as a break, i really seemed to have taken a break! of course coming back to news of so many many pregnancies in these parts is amazing! i'm doing the climbing beta dance for you all!

and yes, a break. that CD1 showed up a bit sooner than i expected last go around. what happened to my long luteal phase? but as i looked at the calendar and counted out when my surge would be falling, it was going to be smack in the middle of me being out of town. the acupuncturist of course loved this news. "you're body is awfully smart -- it needs to take a break." so break it is as we shuffle up my natural protocol here.

dropped - the soy isoflavones

added - red clover infusion daily, milky oats and nettle infusion daily, Shatavari daily, Ashwagandha daily, kefir daily

holding the course - TCM herbs for all four phases, FertilAid, FertileCM, evening primrose oil, omega 3-6-9, baby aspirin, maca root, vitamin D, iron, B supplement, CoQ10, wheat grass.

i have to say, i've felt the difference. my uterine and ovarian area has felt much more active, and i had an amazingly long follicular phase for me -- ovulated on CD15! normally i'm CD11 or 12. and yes, this later ovulation date means that i was back home for it, but hey, a break is a break. i mean i even drank wine while out of town, got crummy sleep, didn't check my cervix or CM religiously. (and yet when checking my CP, at CD10, it was higher than ever before - the os completely out of reach, and the little bit i could reach was super soft. i think changes are definitely afoot!)

so that's the state of things on the TTC front.

~.~.~.~

now, for a story, and please, don't let me be *that* pregnant woman.

at the market tonight, i was in my parked car, finishing up a phone call when the person in the car beside me returned with her cart, and pushed it right next to my door to load her groceries, blocking me from getting out. no problem, i was still on the phone and in no hurry. but then i notice she pulls the cart away and very deliberately parks it right behind my car so it is touching my trunk (i'd pulled nose first into the space, so this was in the traffic area), and out of sight in my rear view mirror.

surprised, i got out of my car and looked at here. "oh, were you leaving?" she asked, clearly surprised she got caught.

"no. but why would you put the cart there, when the cart return is two steps away?" okay,maybe four steps away -- it was may car, her car, 1 other car and then cart return. hellllooooo!

she gives me this look like i'm obviously from another universe. "because i'm pregnant and leaving." hey, i don't judge bump sizes, but hers was small, and i'm thinking if this chick needs to be on bed rest and avoid walking, what in he heck is she doing out at the market to begin with.

i blink and look at her. in the time it took for her to carefully arrange the cart behind my car, she could have pushed it into the return. i'm not impressed. "congratulations. the cart return is still right there."

now she gets upset. "i don't need attitude."

"i noticed. the one you have is rather appalling." (yeah, i'm that snarky bitch who always has a good comeback.)

so yes, i was bitchy to a pregnant woman. but oh my god, if i ever try to pull that sh*t when pregnant, someone please come smack me! seriously, 1 car away. 1 car!

~.~.~.~

and yes, i have giveaways to do! i hope in the scramble of catching up at work to get one posted. keep your eyes out!

there is a BFN lurking at the end of this week

insanely busy with work. just wanted to sneak by a say sorry, no temp spike indicating that anything caught this time around. bugger, i really wanted this one to be the one.

so after a near-crying session with the acupuncturist last night, she talked me away from the edge of my looming depression and we formulated a "Plan B" for next cycle. i want to try an IUI again. The trick is finding someone around here who will do it unmedicated.

i called one midwife's office this morning, was treated rudely and told, "a nurse might call you back". 6 hours later, no call back. gah. make appointment just to go in and talk? have no clue.

found an email address for the second name acupuncturist gave me and just sent a note off to her explaining my situation and what i'm looking for. if we could please have a collective group of crossed fingers out there, i'd appreciate it.

Single Hussy needs to get back to being Single Career Gal

1 week down, 1 to go

just sneaking in a quick update to let you all know to be on the lookout for a giveaway and product review for some Fairhaven Health goodies.

and was reminded i should really post an update by the sudden wave of exhaustion which just hit me like a ton of bricks. first day of this, so let's keep fingers crossed it means what it did last time.

as for "other signs" (for those who like to play that obsessive game), nothing but my normal luteal phase signs. i ovulate and and bam! i need sugar and carbs, STAT! as in, i will puke if i don't get vast amounts of carbs in my diet. in fact, i'm kind of hoping that the exhaustion isn't simply the result of me nibbling from junior mints this afternoon. don't tell my acupuncturist, 'kay? i figure if the body is screaming for a mainline drip of sugar, i need to placate it a little bit.

only thing else i've noticed this time around is the quantity of food i'm eating. holy, maloly, i don't eat this much. and definitely shouldn't. but somehow right now, a giant green smoothie, an egg, and a bowl of oatmeal is the perfect breakfast, and will hold me over for approximately one hour and forty-five minutes before we need to start thinking of second breakfast.

if my feet start growing larger and sprout hair, we'll now it's just the inner hobbit i never knew i had taking over.

geek joy!

finally searched for excel templates for BBT. duh! omg, i'm in love!

i now must be stopped and need to get back to doing my actual job right now.

only this audience can appreciate this kind of geekery.

finger crossed very tight.

wow. incredible temp dip this morning. not sure what my CM was up to last night, but 3 of the 4 signs (OPK, cervix, BBT) are saying the timing of this is spot on.

so massage last night, then home to insem. tonight will be acupuncture, then home to insem.

i cannot tell you how much i really want this one to take and be the one....

ack!

gotta love it when the test line on your OPK turns a deep blue in mere seconds, before the "haze" creeps ups to the control line.

on the bright side, i'm still surging at 11.45 am. i also had a positive surge at 6.30 am when i got up and my CBE fertility monitor went from nothing to oh hey, ovulation! in mere seconds a well. first time it has done that, which is reassuring, though i would have liked it if it gave me a day of oooh, you're getting close in there.

i'm hoping my temps are merely mimicking last months wackiness. had a nice strong spike to just below my cover line this morning. ideally, they will dip tomorrow, and then give me a nice spike over cover line the next morning, so ovulation will be sometime tomorrow. i'm a wreck it's going to be today since i am surging so strongly. but who knows, maybe this is all the healing of the old body and getting hormone levels back in balance. 40 year olds aren't supposed to have strong LH surges (or at least should time insemination with the first weak positive), but wow, wish you could see these! oops, wait, you can:


sorry for the blur. wanted to get close so you could appreciate that twice as dark test line. fingers crossed that timing of insem late tonight after massage and tomorrow night is on the ball. and these new swimmers are up for the challenge that my eggs present.

now if the acupuncturist would just call back so we can juggle when they want tomorrow nights appointment since this is all happening a couple days sooner than expected.

dear LH surge,

you know, i realize we have a contentious relationship, which leads to a conversation every month. either you are MIA, or blowing into town too early, or just feeling too fickle to show up on a pee stick.

something you may not realize is that i don't exactly have access to hot and cold running sperm around here. i can have access to frozen sperm, but that's all based on a shipping date. oddly enough, that shipping date is usually based on when you are supposed to be around as well.

if you are going to go with the whole when i damn well feel like it option, we've got a problem. a problem that keeps costing me an extra $40 a month as i panic and call the purveyor of said frozen sperm to over-nite us the goods. yes, i realize they are nice, and very used to me right now, but really, you are trying my patience.

let's try and get our act together, okay?
me

~.~.~.~

in news other than my mid-morning pee stick showing a darkening surge line, i did find another donor, and am rather psyched about this one now. good to know my commitment skills are still as skittish as ever. I decided to re-search the whole catalog for my criteria of ethnic/height/eye color preferences instead of first looking at the back-up team i had previously put on the bench. oddly enough, only one of the previous back up players even caught my eye this time, and former #2 was now a distant #5. i instead had two brand new (really, new donors made available) possibilities vying for that top slot. i went to bed that night, wondering how i was going to choose, and figuring i would have to ask for a count comparison from the bank the next day.

except for when i sat down the next day to reread both profiles and knew without a doubt which one it was going to be. interesting choice, and i'd love to talk about some of the features, but then i feel that's kind of just ... weird? crossing a line? ... in a blog where other SMCs making choices are surfing. i'll just throw it out there that i'm open to sharing notes and specifics, but will probably keep that to a private email.

so the new "donor-in-law" (as Tank has now been dubbed by my mom) will be arriving tomorrow. a dark blue line had best not be arriving before then.

oh, but yes, the CM is clearly in the way of shaping up into EWCM loveliness. wow. two months in a row of multi-CM days. which helps me segue into my next little announcement. Fairhaven Health has approached me and invited me to do some product reviews and give-aways of their products here. since i have actually been quite impressed with the results from the FertileCM supplement (seriously, fertile quality CM on a clomid cycle? this goes way beyond evening primrose oil alone!), i have agreed. besides, i think it would be a blast to pass on some goodies to other readers, and get the word out in the SMC community. we seem to be facing so many hurdles as is, i'm all for sharing the stuff that makes it easier on this path.

so that's the state of the Hussy for the moment. looking toward a couple hot -- or is that frozen? -- dates with some new vials before this week's end. every month, the stress about this seems to get less and less. or maybe i'm more used to it. whatever the case, bring on the calm!

i saw this one coming last cycle

i called the cryo bank on friday to let them know CD1 was looming for some point during the holiday weekend, and i'd need to make date reservations for some nice vials. i was supposed to call back yesterday with my expected shipping time, but i was so busy looking at my calendar and dithering about it, i figured tonight when i got home and had a clear hear.

but i had a message on my phone this afternoon: my donor is sold out. yep, i knew when i got the "two for" specials last month (2 vials to bring the total motility count past their guarantee) that we were down to the end of the line. so no big shocker, though i am a little sad if only because i fell in love with that donor's handwriting. yes, i am that weird.

so i'm looking again at my backup team, and running through the catalog again, but not passing over those that are CMV+ since, hello, will not be donating with an active infection; risk of my becoming infected during insemination is impossible. my awesome bank has no problem shipping a CMV+ donor to CMV- me. (i also don't think my RE lab would have had a problem if i chose a CMV+ donor, but i'd just be given the big blahblahblah speech and asked to sign another 50 agreements stating i know the risks. yup, whatever...)

off to find Mr. Tall, Dark and Genetically Appealing.

at least i have *some* luck!

after a week of being tired and cranky because my boobs hurt so frickin' much (not to mention the whole lets gain a cup size so no bra fits! shenanigans), things are starting to ease down, sadly. yet not the boob size. yes, you can take these puppies away now, thanks progesterone. message about being at a healthy level received loud and clear.

temps are simply above coverline with no secondary spike. ::sigh::

but on the bright side, i just found out that i won a Bend Breathe and Conceive DVD from The Mind Reels! wow! i will confess that i've been on a whole Fairhaven Health kick this past cycle. FertilAid, Fertile CM (okay, yes, that stuff definitely works), and FertiliTea. every little bit helps, right? and we all know my love of yoga. now, hopefully this DVD will kick my fanny back into actually practicing instead of coming home and saying my boobs hurt too much and crawling into bed instead.

1 week down, 1 to go

can't believe i'm actually in a 2ww! have to remind myself to get back into my meditations for this time, but in a way, i like not thinking about the wait. still, my dreams this past week have been full of portents and signs, or perhaps just incredible wishes.

no huge rise in my temps. just a steady above coverline, with maybe a slow climb. my uterus feel "full" and twitchy the past couple of days, and i have my usual luteal phase bloat going on. the salt and vinegar crisps are probably not helping with that, either. boobs may be getting sore, or i just poked them too hard this morning, always difficult to tell. tired, which seems to be par for the course, and focused and stressed at work right now so my neck and shoulders are overly tight and sore. to the point that i had to go in for an emergency massage last night. i may be going back to weekly massages for a while just to help with all the stress that seems to be floating about, and i am trying desperately to ignore.

i did have an amazing acupuncture session on monday with a different doctor covering for my usual doctor. the two partners had met over the weekend with my chart, so she was all up to speed on everything i had been doing, and had lots of questions to clarify things. she was completely amazed that after 21 years on BCP my period came back at all, never mind right into a regular cycle (my first 3 cycles after stopping were 33 days, 29 days, 28 days). she looked me in the eye and said, i believe you are super fertile.

this is why i'm listening more to alternative treatments rather than REs. not because it is hope that may be false, but rather that it is about belief, and balance, and listening to each individual body. the only reason i ended up with an RE is because i was single. but i was treated from the first second like i was "broken". and if i couldn't get pregnant in three tries with all their drugs, then i was very broken and all hope was gone. especially given i had a number attached to me: 40.

i refuse to believe i'm broken. for the first time ever in my life, i feel healthy and alive and full of potential. the only thing we got standing in my way is access to fresh sperm. i'm beginning to think that that alone should not be an RE issue.

i cannot make this sh*t up

clearly, the road of TTC on your own is just not the same without the moments of complete and utter insanity. this is why the universe continues to pull these practical jokes on me.

no OPK this morning. OPK from 15 minutes ago:

gee, i'm not sure about that test line on the left. is it really darker than the control line on the right?

look, this one is saying "HA, HA!! faked you out!"

i am just ... i don't know. we go from stark white test lines to a screaming positive like i've never had before and this *after* a temp spike.

whatever. the remaining swim team members will just have to stay chilly overnight (fingers crossed). i'm going to yoga and moxa it tonight, and then have another morning romance with the vials tomorrow.

oh, and i give up understanding my body.

oh you have GOT to be kidding me

waking up to a brilliant temp spike is NOT what i wanted. WTF?? why do OPKs hate me this month, barely showing even a hint of line? folks, i'm doing the fertility monitor POAS first thing in the morning, an OPK smuggled into the work bathroom between 10 am and noon, and another test at around 10 pm at night. i'm making myself wait at least 4 hours before any POAS. i'm limiting my fluid intake (when hello, i need to also be increasing it for CM) during those 4 hours. and nothing!

::headdesk::

considering how wonderful things looked last night, and not even being able to reach my cervix this morning, i decided forget getting the tank refilled. i was just going to have to be a bit late to work this morning because i had some important baby-making to do.

up in the air on whether to do round tonight or tomorrow morning. probably tonight. that better be a damn lively egg that got shoved out! hear me, egg? i want you alive beyond the usual time frame and waiting for the boys to get up there.

i swear, if i have to do this again next cycle, i'm just listening to my cervix and CM and those OPKs can get lost.

in the meantime, CAN WE PLEASE ALL CROSS FINGERS FOR ME?

(this freak-out has been brought to you by the letter O and the numbers 97.2 and 97.9)

closer and closer...

when you are used to getting a +OPK on day 10 or 11, hitting day 12 without even a faint test line gets mighty nerve wracking. so do a string of pre-ovulation worthy low temps. when your cervix and CM start getting in on the dance, the panic of omg, i'm going to miss my window! is bouncing around non-stop.

then i take a deep breath and remind myself that all this is good. longer follicular phase means strong, healthy eggs (and the ovaries are still doing a major dance). its also more "normal" and a sign of a healthy cycle. low temps mean lots of yin energy going on -- again, good for the eggies. and just because your creaky old body is suddenly producing lovely CM (not yet egg-white, but omg, we are so frickin close) is something to celebrate. things are looking up.

just stop panicking on the OPKs.

oh, and has anyone ever been able to use one of the view-thingies for checking your saliva for ferning? i swear, the light behind the lens blinds me and i can't see a bleeding thing.

of course, i now have to take the swim team down for another refill tomorrow. which means they are coming in to work with me. am so grateful for plain brown packaging... yes, there is a shot of their refill on monday at the welding supply place. me, and four male employees. when the tank came back from being refilled and all the men behind the counter were discussing was it a 5L or 7L refill, and it went snug back in its box, one of the gentlemen piped up and said, "i remember making a carrying box for Dr. So-And-So. What doctors office do you work for?"

never occurred to me they would think i was doing this for a doctors office, so of course nothing came to mind. i instead smiled and said, "oh no, this is for me personally."

"Oh, horses?"

(having grown up on a horse farm, i have no clue why i didn't just say yes. oh, no wait, i do -- it's a bit late in the season for breeding horses!) "Uh, no. Dogs."

yes, i totally wimped out on my chance to be all confident woman gets pregnant on her own. but seeing as i figured i might be back for a refill, it just was so much easier.

but i'm still hoping is the last refill. a weekend LH surge would be perfect. i have an acupuncture appointment on monday, and my doctor gave me some moxa to use after insemination. it would also be more relaxing, because even though my work load is pushing me to being in the office this weekend, i don't necessarily have to be. or at least not for the usual hours.

so again, still sitting here with fingers crossed, ovaries aching, and hoping for a clear LH surge that lasts longer than 3 hours so i can actually catch it!

i thought you said he was 6'2"!

well, this month's swim team has arrived safe and sound. i have to say, i'm not sure i could do this without the support and encouragement of my parents, who luckily have as warped a sense of humor as i do about the whole thing. "i though you said he was 6'2"!" was what my mom greeted me with when calling me on Friday morning to let me know that there was a frosty gathering of the swim team that arrived on her doorstep.

when i stopped by that night to pick up the swim team, dad carried out the box, and then bent down, pretending to shake a hand and say, "so you're going to knock up my daughter. so nice to meet you." wish i had gotten a picture of that!

in the meantime, the swim team is parked in my bedroom (not only did i think it appropriate, but it is also out of the reach of the cats, and the coolest spot in the house!) waiting for the OPK to do it's thing. i shipped way early from the looks of this cycle so far, but like i said, better safe than sorry, and i'd rather pay some rental fees for the tank than miss my chance.

tomorrow the swim team will get to take a drive with me to the welding supply and get a fresh dose of the frosties. mmmm, a frosty from Wendy's.... okay, i'm not dealing with the deprivation of cold food in the summertime that well, as you can see.

i have been woefully behind in my blog reading of late, and i'm not the best commenter, so mea culpa. in fact, i just noticed i got tagged on a couple of awards, so i promise to get to those this week! hope i can find enough folks who haven't been tagged yet to keep the ball -- or blog -- rolling.

so far so good, so far so good

i know, it's little early for a verdict on things this cycle, but i have to mention to someone that i think the soy isoflavones may be all they are cracked up to be: i take them, and within an hour, my ovaries are doing the mambo. even decrepit little righty is dancing up a storm right now. go, blood flow, go!

temps are staying low which is a big improvement over CD5 last cycle. starting tomorrow, i can start being afraid of tank wrangling.

how this jounrey changes you

i swear, i've never been an indecisive person. when faced with a choice, i knew what i wanted/needed/must be done, made the decision and moved merrily along, never second-guessing, or dithering over which way to go.

these days, i've turned into a dithering idiot. last cycle: call back, schedule shipment. call bank again, reschedule shipment for earlier. call bank day of shipment and cancel.

this cycle: call bank, schedule shipment. call bank day of shipment and reschedule to ship one day later but with overnight shipping for better charge life.

i swear, i am ready to strangle myself and my inability to make a proper, thought out decision and stick with it. never mind the fact i'm not concentrating or focusing at work and am always popping on to google to check out one more article on IF, and research another possible supplement. goddess help me when i get pregnant and baby-brain sets in. the TTC-brain is driving me up the wall already.

ack!

welcome to CD4. please keep your fingers crossed for an ovulatory cycle that has a follicular phase that lasts more than 6 days this time. and BTW, have switched off the DHEA (back acne is driving me bonkers, as is the increased hair shedding) and am trying the soy isoflavones (120 mg) for CD3-CD9. let's see if it is the pseudo clomid...

downtime and looking for local SMCs

nope, this cycle i really clearly ovulated on CD5. completely bizarre, and i keep panicking it is a sign of perimenopause, but then have to remind myself, no, there was ovulation, this is good. body is clearly producing much estrogen, this is good. i think it's a case of just letting things find their rhythm without the drugs in there.

i've been down for the count the past few days with some kind of stomach bug. on sunday as i lounged about, not wanting to move and poke the nausea, i did a lot of thinking about i could be looking at 3 months of this in the future. know how much fun nausea is without the aid of saltines? (thank you, gluten intolerance)

yesterday afternoon as i struggled to make it home from work and remain upright i contemplated the future fun in store for dealing with sick me and baby/sick-baby. yep, motivation to remain a cheerful and pleasant person and continue to make more friends so i can have someone to call on in those moments for a popsicle run...

~.~.~.~

we are trying to put together a local SMC group, especially for those trying to conceive. if you or anyone you know is in the southeastern New England area, please drop me a comment and we can email more about details and location. i've already met another *fabulous* local SMC tryer, and with the counselor, we really had the best time being able to speak with someone else who "gets it" and can understand the lingo and the obsession over fertility charts. i'd love to have some more ladies join us for some real time interaction, stress relief and encouragement.

Houston, we have a problem

my head is sore from banging it on my desk.

yesterday morning, i had a mild heart attack as my BBT jumped from a 97.6 to 98.2 -- nicely over my coverline. except that we were on CD6. i nervously figured maybe my allergies were bothering me, or i was sick. still, in talking to the bank yesterday with the when to ship question, i asked the all important, what happens if i have an anovulatory cycle? they said shipping back was not problem, so i felt better.

until this morning when my BBT registered at 98.4.

for those who like to play along at home, let's look at this cycles temps so far:

97.7 / 97.8 / 97.3 (nice, looking good here) / 97.3 / 97.6 / 98.2 / 98.4

it doesn't look like an anovulatory cycle with the ping-pong ball bouncing all the hell over the place. instead it looks like a nice strong ovulation. a week early.

WTF?

i should probably add to the discussion that this past menstruation was the most pathetic excuse for a period ever. TMI warning: 2 days light brown spotting. again with the WTF. i had a chemical pregnancy. shouldn't i at least get a decent flow? never mind the fact i haven't had a red, strong period since beginning this craziness back in March.

(and yes, before you ask, i did another HPT this morning just in case and because i'm on all these not-while-preggers supplements. BFN, so it's not that.)

i'm blaming clomid. it's the only thing i can figure out. i went from lovely normal, regular cycles to pathetic, limp ones. i know it can completely dry you out and thin the uterine lining, so that has to be what happened. my previous "break" month back in May was a bit scattered and not that great. besides, i get to blame the clomid for the raging back acne which is only now finally starting to subside.

which means, i think i'm calling the bank again in a couple hours and telling them that we are having to scrub this month. i had been thinking i should give my body a month break after the clomid to get a "normal" cycle back under its feet. i think my temps are just confirming what was in the back of my head, and i need to slow down with the omg it's now or never! i must get pregnant! rush.

but if anyone has some insight or theories or can reassure me things can get back to normal and that the 4 cycles of clomid didn't blow out the last remaining eggs i had, i would really love some feedback.

i keep grasping at the small positives: my skin is amazing right now (hasn't been like this since i was a teen -- yeah i had gorgeous skin as a teenager), my hair and nails are growing like weeds, my body feel wonderful, and my boobs are up another cup size. i'm not sure if the last one is a positive or not, since i'm kind of at a loss with what to do with them, but i figure its a sign that somewhere, some hormone is happy and making my body at least look all fertile.

in the meantime, focusing on my yoga breathing and doing a heck of a lot of forward bends today to combat the stress of this all.

dear body,

please don't surge before next wednesday, m'kay? this could all turn into a small disaster if you do.

ETA: ah, never mind. just called the bank again (who, me, paranoid?) and changed the shipping. body, do whatever the heack you want, when you want. the swim team will be here on saturday.

~~~~

by the by, it's just now sinking into my head that i was pregnant last month. or sorta pregnant. just for a whisper and a second. but i was.

wow.

BFN

went ahead and tested this morning since my boobs are driving my insane. negative.

and yet:
boobs still crazy kill-me-now sore.
still insanely tired.
period is missing - this is luteal day 18. (CD30)
no sense that AF is is approaching. nothing. nada. not a cramp or twinge in the tummy when i eat.
my house smells like i have been cooking rice (i haven't), so phantom smells are p and running.
C-R-A-Z-Y dreams last night, but then, when do i not have crazy dreams. still, can remember tons of details on these.
i still feel like i need to eat a giant bag of salt & vinegar crisps a day.
temp this morning was 98.2 again.
massage therapist tonight commented by hips were really warm, which is different for me.

i'm chalking this up to being pregnant for a nanosecond, and that sometime tomorrow, AF will arrive. of course, i said that to myself last night, but whatever. i finally obtained my copy of The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth (hey, it's a straight girl doin' it on her own best guide, too!). also think i located a tank refill location. geared up and ready for a do it yourself special next cycle.

of course when that will be, who the heck knows!

waiting for Aunt Flow...

welcome to CD29, luteal phase day 17. no headache. no cramps. but, no appetite since yesterday afternoon, so something is looming. and has an hour to get here before pushing into luteal phase day 18 area.

i don't want to test because i know i'm not. besides, i did test last Thursday (11dpo -- yes, it was a sensitive test) and nada. i started back on all my "not while pregnant" supplements. i did skip them today figuring that would help AF show up.

i'm dead exhausted these day. i can be awake for about 4 hours and then require a nap that turns into 2 hours of hard sleep. my entire weekend was spent in that 4 hour/2 hour cycle. but this is a sign of nothing other than a) it's summer (my body hates summer and tries to hibernate), and b) my allergies (hello uber-wet weather!) are trying to kill me.

my nipples are sore. i've never had sore nipples. i've had sore boobs (they're kinda tender now), but nipples have never been raging angry omg-you-touched-me-i-give-you-pain-back! sore. i must have a good progesterone level this month. it. is. not. a. sign.

it does not matter i spent money on another month of supplements, and supplies for at home insemination. or called and compared numbers with the bank. or scheduled LASIK surgery for next month which can not be done if pregnant. i can wave all the red flags i want at fate, but i have to keep my feet on the ground and remind myself it did not happen this month.

i think my cervix just gave me a ping. AF must be getting close.

feeling good with my decision.

so after my moody monday and feeling all out o sorts with this round, i've taken a deep breath and said "c'est la vie" and decided no use continuing to freak out. i still kept coming back to the home insemination idea even though i know based on everything the RE has told me, it doesn't make sense. except it still keeps knocking around in my brain. i got to the point where i actually called my mom to try and bounce some o this off her. she wants me to pursue IVF, but i had to explain to her that the doctor says that isn't an option due to my low response. i explained about the injectables cycle and the cost not just of the meds, but also the ultrasounds. being her usual over-generous self, she offered to write me a check for which ever course i decided to pursue.

by tuesday morning, i pretty much woke up with the decision in my head to try the home insemination for a few months while focusing on acupuncture. after all, it can't hurt, right? i relistened to the Choice Moms podcast on the subject, just to make sure i had my numbers right on sperm viability (yes, 12 to 24 hours for frozen sperm with vaginal inseminations; 6-8 hours for frozen then washed IUI). needles to say my acupuncturist is over the moon with my decision.

she was also rather pleased to hear that yes, for the first time with certainty, i have achieved easily identifiable fertile CM. the things you get excited about in this process, right? i told her of the timing disaster and the lack of any clear LH surge. i decided that it was the FertiliTea i started drinking this cycle -- i think vitex/chasteberry is just *not* for me. especially once i did more reading and confirmed that yes indeedy, it lowers FSH *and* LH be reducing estrogen. this would explain my skin deciding to break out again the past couple of weeks. baby, i need the estrogen, and the FSH/LH around to do their job.

oh, and on this second IUI this cycle, i did have some spotting. dr. G, the acupuncturist seemed pleased with that until i explained to her that it is normal, and the nurse i had was not the best. but, most interesting of monday was that when i woke up, cervix was waaaaay up high. by afternoon, it had dropped significantly. i don't know if this is a sign of okay timing after all, or my "hey, sailor, new in town?" cervix not liking the less than graceful approach of the nurse that day.

still lacking is a clear temp spike. we had that awesome dip to a temp lower than any prior temp ever on sunday. but no jump above coverline on monday. in fact today (thursday) is the first day for me above coverline. sure, i's just gone up since sunday, but i still say something funky happened with ovulation or lack there of. i'll just have to see how the rest of my temps pan out this cycle.

but i've pretty much decided i'm not in a 2ww at this point. and i m going to blow off my bloodwork for progesterone and the beta as well. why pay $200 for a screwed up cycle? heck, why pay $200 for *any* cycle. after all a) i know i don't have progesterone issues, so i don't care about that test, and b) you'll know in two weeks whether you are pregnant or not. after reading horror stories about some "beta dances" with the obsessive tracking of the number, i don't really care to join in. if at some point i do get pregnant and the beta drops, then i'd rather miscarry that way naturally rather than having to go in for blood draws and worrying what the numbers are.

it's so strange. i'm usually such a good patient, and the first to jump on board with a doctor's suggestions. but for this i'm being all touch-feely airy-fairy. maybe it's my attempt to make this as close to "natural" and "normal", despite the fact i'm going it alone. i wouldn't be going through all of this if i had a partner unless it was past the 1 year of trying with no luck point. why add in one more level of stress in something that is doubly stressful already for single women.

so there we are. and i feel really, really good with my decisions.

(and yes, i know, if by some funky miracle of crazy miracles i end up pregnant on this screwed-up cycle, it would be so cool. it's a fun thought, but i'm not making any wishes about it.)

oh, and...

i got an email from the counselor i was required by the clinic to see back in March. she was checking in to see how i was doing and if i was interested in a support group. i'll give a big "hell, yes" to that.

how to flush money down the toilet

or up your who-hah, in this case. completely jumped the gun on the LH surge. with no temp spike this morning, and a now getting darker OPK test strip, i frantically called the clinic and asked to speak to a nurse regarding today's IUI to see if we could wait for my temp surge. i got no call back. after a half hour, i called the IVF lab to let them know and ask them to hold off prepping the sample.

literally 5 minutes too late. ::insert fouls language here accompanied by massive crying jag::

as i was curled up sobbing on my bed, ranting at the unfairness of the universe, i was really reminded about what sucks doing this on your own -- there is now one there to hold you as you lose it. there is no phone call you can make to someone who really totally gets it. it just completely and totally sucks. and makes you cry all the harder and rant at the universe for additional reasons.

so i went in for the hopeless IUI part deux. the nurse gave me a coupon for a free 300 pen of Folistim that i can use with the Bravelle protocol for the next cycle. that is, if i decide to jump right into medicated.

i came home and curled up with my laptop and a box of Kleenex and started comparing length of viability on ICI vs. IUI prepped post-thaw samples. the 4 hour window my IVF lab is giving me for their IUI prep makes me find it pretty flipping impossible that anyone can time an IUI correctly and have it be successful. i know i heard that the ICI samples do better - maybe even up to 24 hours. so once again, i got to thinking.

maybe i'll wait a few cycles before jumping into the injectables. yes, my ovaries suck and have hardly any eggs. but clearly, for the 18 months i've been off the pill, i am ovulating. my cycles are like clockwork, complete with night sweats during my leautal phase (which is quite long, thanks) which to me says oh, hai thare progesterone. gee, you're produced by a corpus luteum, right? you only get those when you actually ovulate.

so what if for the next few cycles i stick with the acupuncture and decide to do this on my own at home. what the hell -- the sperm alone is expensive, but not nearly as expensive as adding in another $1K for the office IUI, plus the cost of the blood work, and then the cost of the injectables. i know my donor has ICI samples, but i may also go back and check my other contenders against the donor sibling registry just out of curiosity. or, i wonder if the bank would tell me who out of choices had the best numbers.

it may be crazy, but something keeps pulling me back to this idea. i know after everything the doctor said, it shouldn't be an option, but why do i keep thinking it is? (oh, i know, because what i really need is fresh not frozen, and things would probably work!)

as always, feedback and thoughts on this are welcome.

because i am an idiot

i can't tell if i had my LH surge last night. did a test, left it in the bathroom, and freaking forgot about it until 3 hours later. looked like there had been a dark line. this morning's test? almost nothing for a line. tests previous to last night had all been light as well, so it isn't like i was coming down from the false positive of lingering clomid.

the part that i am really freaking kicking myself about is that i could have done another test last night when i remembered 3 hours later since i PIAC, rather than POAS. but no, i figured line wasn't dark enough and cleaned everything up.

so i'm looking at past charts, trying to read other signs and figure out was the surge last night, or would i be jumping the gun if i call this morning for an IUI. my temp did a big time dip this morning (pre ovulation sign). cervix is uber high and almost out of reach for the past few days (pre ovulation sign). CM is impossible to read as ever, so no help there. last month on clomid, ovulation was on CD13 (today is CD12 ...hmmm). my little electronic charting calendar is predicting ovulation on tuesday, but i try not to go by that one (it has been right in the past though. argh!).

i don't want to screw up this cycle, but then again if i do, maybe i'm meant to miss it. i have 5 minutes to decide what i'm doing...

don't count your chickens...

... because you may not have any eggs.

yeah. i've kind of been silent regarding the fun that was Friday's scan and consult because i've been a big huge mess about it. still am, so i'm just going to blurt this out and run and spare you all the ranting and raving.

uterus is healthy and lovely. perfect nest for a baby. left ovary looks ago. a decent size cyst on it, but nothing to keep me out of the running. 2 antral follicles. yes. 2.

right ovary is half the size of the left. approximately 1 third of that is covered under a haze that the doctor is interpreting as endo scarring. 3 antral follicles. no evidence that i've ovulated from that side.

so a grand total of 5. and i can ovulate. i just have nothing to respond to meds to try and help my chances, and hey, if there are only 5, the RE is telling me they have to be crap quality. ICI on my own at home? might as well burn the money.

kids, this is what happens when you have an autoimmune disease running rampant in your life since you were about 10.

so, was left with the option to try an injectable cycle to see if i would respond at all, but if i don't, that's the end of the line. since it was already late on CD3 and a friday, i decided i didn't want the quick, choose your online pharmacy now so we can have these delivered by courier to you tomorrow route, and asked for one more clomid cycle.

and i may or may not take a break (or three) before the cycle after and injectables. i'm trying to remind myself i haven;t been feeling healthy that long. maybe this can be reversed -- is being reversed. more time may be what i need. just don't feel like i have any.

so, there we are as to the source of my crying jags of late. under more control today, but still feeling pretty crapped on by my life. (pity, party of 1 over in this corner.) just barely holding off the urge to go get a giant hot fudge sundae and say screw it all.

CD1. again.

well, a couple hours after i posted yesterday, i realized, hey, wow, these are some pretty intense cramps. yep, AF decided to make a late afternoon appearance, and with a force which only confirmed my suspicions that the endo is back and spreading. so i went ahead and called over to the clinic to schedule the baseline scan. turns out the RE has also requested a follow up consult with me, so that is scheduled as well. Friday will be a day started and ended at the clinic, with my scan at 7 am, and the RE appointment at 4 pm.

at least yesterday i got to end the day with acupuncture. let me tell you, acupuncture on the day you start your period with craps from hell is an amazing and wonderful thing. once she got the needle "zinging" and the heat lamp centered on my belly (oh dear goddess, yes) i was left alone with my thoughts that were still going a million miles an hour.

i had filled in Dr. G (my acupuncturist) on my thoughts and ideas of doing things at home, possibly on a natural cycle, just with a heck of a lot more herbs. she of course is all for that. she also let me know that she knows several local gynies who will do natural (unmedicated) IUIs if for some reason that is a better option. but right now, i'm going to focus on CM this cycle, and start getting that in better shape. she's convince that even at my age, it is possible.

so even though i'm usually out like a light during acupuncture, the brain was just too full and busy last night. took a lot of time and listening to the meditation playing to finally get myself to calm and start to drift. of course by then, Dr. G was back, and had me roll over o she could do some work on my low back for the end, which is clearly back in its favorite haunts of the back of uterus and my bowels.

all i can say is no cramps today, and i slept absolutely blissfully last night. i feel much better than i did on monday. yeah, it ended up being rather rough on monday, most likely because the massage therapist said the wrong phrase to me in what was an attempt to comfort, but it just shreds me to little pieces: "it wasn't meant to be." thanks. i don't like having to suck that up in hole left by a missing relationship in my life; i'll be damned if i have to live with that for another hole where a relationship with a child should be.

so at least last night i was able to remind myself that i was not broken, and this cant be forced. it is simply abut being open and healthy and ready, and letting it happen. another cycle, back on all the supplements, and ready to grow some more healthy eggies.

::sigh::

BFN.

i knew it was coming since i hadn't had a secondary temp spike, but what is most likely allergies had me thinking i'd won the lottery with being utterly knackered, food tasting off, constant upset stomach, and low grade headache. of course at 5:15 am yesterday, you probably all heard my frustrated yell of "F&*^!!" as my temp dropped from it's 5 day streak of 98.4 to 98.2, despite me bundling myself in multiple layers before heading to bed.

so i'm a faced with a decision right now. the nurse who called yesterday told me to call back on CD1 to schedule my baseline scan for the next cycle. bwuh? i asked was this DC3 bloodwork or a sonogram. she said a sonogram since after medicated cycles they need to check for any cysts and see if you need to take a break. i explained that, hi, i'm single and thus uninsured for such things, and no, had not had one done previously. she seemed highly confused and read through my chart, but still insisted it was SOP to do a scan, but she'd put a note on my file, so when i called they could let me know if it was actually necessary.

of course part of me would love to have the scan done because i'd like to know just what shape my right ovary is in, and if half of it is missing (or it's just shriveled up like some forlorn raisin) as my RE said the bloodwork had her thinking.

my checkbook on the other hand is hiding in the corner whimpering at this point at the mere thought of one more fertility related bill to pay. doesn't help that i smacked it around earlier this morning with an OMG, i need more fertility help spending spree for FertileCM support, FertilityBlend and FertiliTea (because obviously the 6 million supplements and teas i'm already taking have not done anything for me).

i'm also toying with the idea of one last IUI at the clinic, and if that doesn't work, switching to ICI on my own. of course, that may be completely insane given my age and fertility workup. which is where a scan revealing antral follicle count and all the rest could really be enlightening and help decide if i would be throwing my money away on sperm or not. and then there is the question of doing the ICI unmedicated, or talking the RE into clomid while i do this.

because, hey, i do obviously respond and ovulate with the clomid. but then i went and read this article on our amazing ovaries and how they really work.

i followed it up with this article on how thinking too much and overanalyzing everything in this journey does not help. well, duh. i then made myself try and focus on actual work. for about a whole 15 minutes before staring into space and slowly sliding back to the internets.

anyway, i'd love to hear opinions of those who are, ahem, more mature and facing some challenges with conceiving, but managed to do it at home. is it worth saving the $850+ in clinic fees a month? am i looking at better or worse odds?

no news

in case you were curious, i am a big chicken and did not POAS because i convinced my brain as been playing trick on me. i've had one nightsweat during this 2ww when my usual for my luteal phase is every night. no secondary temp spike. boobs feel normal (yes, there is a rash, but i did change soaps last week, and no the rash is only on my boobs but that means nothing). food tastes funny and i don't feel great after eating in the morning, but all of these are symptoms of a normal function Single Hussy. since i was a kid, food would change tastes on me, and morning and foods were a no go.

instead, i'm going to just wait until my test on monday, and am pretty much prepping myself for a disappointment again. i know the RE wants to schedule another consult with me. i may ask her if i can try several round of ICI on my own. clearly, with the help of a little clomid, i am ovulating -- and am likely ovulating even without the clomid. my only abnormality was the super high FSH -- everything else was normal. and i got to wondering, how may couples try and get pregnant and never know FSH levels. they could be high, but since couples don't usually consult an RE until an extended period of trying with no results, we really don't know. i think i should be allowed some trying time before changing to a more aggressive protocol. as one of the triers on the SMC board quipped, her only fertility problem is lack of regular access to sperm.

plus, i'd love the whole pressure of blood testing/any testing off my psyche at the moment. to just try and now go bonkers in the 2ww and just see what happens.

i don't know. this could all be a giant mood swing, but yes, again, that is a normal functioning Single Hussy!

insane person ahead. you might want to cross the street.

i do not remember being this much of a spaz during my first 2ww. then again, i don't remember having such itchy boobs that i didn't care if i was at work, my hand is going in my bra to try and get some relief.

so even though they didn't call me after my progesterone test for IUI#1, they just called with today's level (40.40). not as stellar as the "over 60" i had last time, but still, according to all those online charts (someone needs to take my internets away), it is damned good. damned good for a medicated cycle. damned good for first trimester.

so of course i spot the hCG levels chart below, and they are giving a level for 10dpo. whoa. that soon? so i of course go over to check the site where i got my pregnancy test strips to see their sensitivity level. yeah, so their sensitivity level is at 20mlU/ml/hCG and say you can test as early as 6 to 8 dpo

i can see it coming. i'm going to try and stop my insanity and POAS tomorrow morning. i'll be disappointed, but oh, if it could stop the why are my boobs so dammed itchy? are my nipples darker? where are all these zits coming from? moment, it may be worth it.

in.sane. completely totally barking. (does this mean i'm having mood swings as well?)

argh!!

add insanely itchy breasts to the tricks my mind is causing my body to play on me. still think i have a couple more days to see a secondary BBT spike. that is what i would *love* to see. though the BBT so far is a lovely steady climb -- and higher this morning than any previous cycle. my acupuncturist is going to be stoked when she sees my chart tomorrow.

don't know if i will POAS this time round. i have a bunch of tests, but in a way, i don't want to know if it is negative. on the other hand, when we get to that point next weekend, i may be completely insane and need to know.

i'm trying not to jinx myself by feeling positive on this one, but something in the back of my head is just going there. maybe its a little sprog talking to me...

TMI moment coming, y'all...

... but then, that's why we are here, right?

have been trying not to over-analyze my body this early after IUI (6dpiui today). but had a WTH? moment (or two) while hiking today, in the form of fertile quality cervical mucus. like uber-egg-white that i never actually get. and massive amounts of it.

the boobs are getting a bit tender, but i figure that can be pretty common in this part of the cycle, but i was curious in regards to the CM.

Increased Vaginal Discharge.

From 7 days post ovulation (one week post conception).

If you have an increase in the amount of vaginal discharge after Ovulation this can be a predictor of pregnancy. Many pregnant women report fertile type or creamy discharge.

um, okay. i think i need to chalk this up to my body's amazing ability to generate progesterone, right? (oh, hello, night sweats to beat the band last night. how i never, ever miss you.) i probably just ovulated the hell out of my left ovary and have corpus luteum having a big old party.

yep. let's stay logical and sane here.

though i gave karma another huge target today by going on a more strenuous than expected hike today.