Just because you have your feet in stirrups doesn't mean you have to take it lying down

Who is this person, and why is she posting on this blog that had long ago been marked as dead? I know, I know, but with all that came at me this fall, I think part of me had to hibernate to protect itself. But it doesn't mean I've given up. I've just been busy trying to find the right path to becoming a mom.

Of course, I'm no closer to figuring it out, but I figured I needed to at least surface one more time in 2010.

Also, if I didn't get down that quote for the subject, I was going to forget it. ;) And the context behind it that was my fight with the Big Huge Reproductive Medicine Center after I started to get bill, upon bill, upon bill for what I had put down an enormous deposit to cover, even though they said the cost would only be half that.

Oh, big medical offices, always finding a way to bill you for things NOT covered, never mind flat out LYING to you. Oddly enough, I knew this was the very reason that Dr. Wonderful and 3 of her colleagues were leaving BHRMC...

But, dear readers, I didn't take it lying down and hit back swinging. Do not mess with a woman on her 4th chemical pregnancy and with hormones completely out of whack from injectibles. I used my knowledge of the knock-down drag-out going on internally and got in some nasty punches. I also demanded that everything I was being charged for (twice -- they tried to charge me for everything twice!) be submitted to my insurance company for reimbursement, and marked as diagnostic. As expected, insurance did pay, and I suddenly had a refund for my deposit.

But it doesn't leave me any less skittish about these REs and their looking at our IF as a huge money making machine. It just makes the whole thing hurt even more. The desire seems so simple: a child to love. But what you do trying so hard to get there seems oh so unfair!

That is about where I am right now. Still hurting, still nursing my wounds, still wanting so badly, and not knowing what direction to go next in order to be knocked down again. I promise to try and stop by more often in the new year as I cautiously start this journey again.

drive-by posting

All my classes these days seem to be focusing on fertilized eggs and the growth of zygote to fetus. I never thought this would drive me batty, but yeah, constant reminders.

And I suppose I should also mention chemical pregnancy #4. An actual positive on the DPO12. Symptoms up the wazoo. But then suddenly, night sweats. I panicked, and rightly so. I checked again on DPO14 (which was before my scheduled beta) and it was negative. Beta day was mandatory with the new office, so it was not a good day. Anyway, it happened. It's over. I'm back to being crazy busy with other bits of life and rebuilding that shattered wall of my emotions, again hoping it is stronger than the prior walls I kept having to rebuild.

I remain in a holding pattern, hoping for an egg or frozen embryo to come my way. Have some interesting thoughts and debates on that. But right now, I really need to get back to class stuff.

nothing much going on

Figured I should at least update to say that I'm really not approaching this time as a 2ww. Which is why I didn't really want to post, because after how many times now, another BFN at the end of it -- or another nanosecond chemical pregnancy -- is just ... aggravating? Depressing? So I'm doing fine just going about my business as normal and not thinking about things. And honestly class-work and a flurry of exams have really helped with this.

Though I should mention that the day of IUI#7 (a Saturday) did not exactly go as smoothly as I had planned. Got to the hospital campus on time, parked in my sneaky little spot no one ever thinks to park in, and wandered over to the complex where the urologists office is located. And couldn't get in the building. Side doors locked and the automatic main entry refusing to open. Hello panic. Luckily I had the number of the office on my cell and was able to call, and left a frantic message for the lab saying, I'm here, it's 9:00am, you thawed my swimmers at 8:30 am, and I need to be inseminated STAT! I wondered if I should run over to the other bock and wind my way through the maze of buildings to get to one of the connector bridges that should let me in to the office complex. Luckily, the lab called me back right away and suggested I just force my way in the automatic door. "We don't know why, but security tends to turn them off on weekends, even though all the offices are open." o_0 So I got all muscly, and managed to crack open the auto door enough to squeeze through and raced up to the office.

Of course once up there, a rather snotty receptionist on duty handed me a stack of new patient forms to fill out. I looked at her and then back at the forms and informed her that I had already filled these out as part of the package from the RE's office I dropped off a couple weeks ago. And hi, not really a new patient. I'm just here to get knocked up. She curtly told me to fill out the forms.

Needless to say, I filled them out, blowing through most everything and not even caring about medication allergies since I wouldn't be getting any medications from them. I handed them back to SnotFace and she told me to have a seat and wait in the empty waiting room. At this point I informed her it was 9:15 am, the lab had thawed my sample at 8:30 am, and did she realize that sample had at best an hour lifespan after such thawing. SnotFace had the gall to try and give me attitude back, saying she needed to prepare a proper office file for me since no one had done it for her, and paperwork was required. I cut her off, emphasizing once again that hello, I ALREADY GAVE YOU THAT, and I'm only here to be for an insemination, so what the heck did they need to know about the history of my peeing?

At this point, a very cheerful face appeared behind SnotFace and slapped down a file folder with my name on it, and all my previously turned in paperwork, pointing out to SnotFace that I was right, I had handed everything in, and someone did prepare the office file as needed which SnotFace would have seen opened her eyes and looked in the proper place. Cheerful person then sang out that I was ready and please walk around to meet her in the hall.

As she guided me to room #7, she introduced herself as "J___, the nice one in the office." J. is a kick-ass RN, has struggled with infertility herself, and boy, did we have a great time talking about trying to get pregnant, office politics, and nursing school. Made that whole waiting with my legs up in the air just fly by. She honestly was insanely nice and such a delight. Helped to turn around my starting to stress over the whole situation.

But that is really the only thing of note since last checking in. Like I said, not even letting myself hold out any hope for this time around, and instead am seriously pursuing frozen-embryo adoption. After checking out several sites and clinics suggested by others, I am really sucked in my Miracles Waiting and the hope of an open donation. I love the idea of that connection and building a rather unconventional yet joyful extended family. As soon as finals for one of my classes settles down this week, I'll be getting my profile posted up there. That's where you can keep those lucky thoughts and crossed fingers focused! :)

ha ha, faked you out!

That would be my left ovary mocking me in the subject line. After 2 days of tightness, fullness and pain over my left ovary, I got up this morning (conveniently forgetting to take my temp) and it was ... gone. I headed off to my early morning sono and bloodwork with my emotions around my toenails.

Uber-cheerful Wandi (what I have dubbed the sonogram tech) tried to happily talk me down from my cliff ,asking if the sperm was in, and I ducked behind the curtain to jump into a sheet. She then talked to me through the reading, saying I had a big 20mm and another 14mm follie on my right ovary. Left ovary came into view ... with nothing. No follies, no fluid, no cysts.

Um, guys, what was all that commotion down there about?

And bugger, 2 follicles, only one of which useful. (but as Wandi reminded me with a big smile, but it only takes one!! ::grumble -- I don't want to hear it right now) I headed home to sulk and wait for the call from the RN on my lab results. I could tell with a 20mm one sitting there I was going to trigger tonight.

And so I did. My estrodiol was in the high 300s, and my LH was already at 18. Surging on Day 10. Great. Nice way to bake a healthy egg there, body. < / sarcasm > So I'll be heading over to the back-up location of the urology office that has the lab with my sperm tomorrow, and one of their RNs will do the IUI at 9:00am.

I'm not thrilled, with the IUI so soon after the trigger. Then again, I could be popping that follie at anytime, so who knows.

I'm going to get back to surfing for potential donor embryos to console myself.

okay, my body is responding to *something*!

I feel like my left ovary is going to explode. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed this is good, and that no follies decide to pop early or anything. Everyone behave until tomorrow's sonogram, you hear me?

Also, had to search to see if "raging uncontrollable libido" was listed as a side effect of Gonal-F. May go nuts over the next few days. Please forward any cute men with a lot of stamina to my address.

Oh, and just to finish up the TMI, can we say copious EWCM?

Obviously my fears that a medicated cycle would be too rough on my body and I wouldn't respond well were completely unfounded.

huh. Didn't expect that.

Then again, there were a lot of things last week I didn't expect. Like finally having enough of the strum und drang of the workplace drama and informing the powers that be that hey, I'm already a full time student, they don't have work for me, mind if I leave on Friday?

Of course any doubt I had of that decision soon was worn away. On my way to class Thursday (about an hour after saying, "yo, you all are crazy here! Move my lay-off date up please.") I got a call from the new RE's office. seems that my appointment scheduled on the 30th needed to be bumped up to the 23rd. Seeing as how I had been wondering how in the heck I was going to talk my way into being out of the office on the 30th, I know ad to figure out how to do it on the day I was leaving. Decided that a half day as my last day would be the perfect solution, and sure, I could be there for 11:30.

Of course I thought this follow up would be on the sad state of my body and talking over donor egg/donor embryo possibilities. Knock me over with a feather when new RE suggests we do on last IUI with injectables. Only a 5% chance, but in comparison to the other clinic I was going to, paying for all out of pocket (meds, monitoring, IUI) it was a bargain.

Mind, this was a snap decision that had to be made. I was on CD3 after having done a full 2 weeks of estrogen priming for the prior cycle. I was also freshly (and yet blissfully) unemployed. I was also caffeinated.

(Did I mention that after the call on my AMH number a couple weeks ago that charting, monitoring, and coddling my body had gone out the window?)

But then again, let's add up these signs:

1. appointment rescheduled for what happens to be my CD3.
2. I just quit a highly stressful and miserable making job.
3. I just did a cycle of estrogen priming.
4. I had one vial of IUI sperm left.
5. I had treated my body like crap for the last few weeks.

Yeah, I didn't need a sledgehammer to tell me let's go for it. This was the one last hurrah I wanted to give my body. Yet without the stress of IVF.

RE was quite amused with my shock and awe at all of this, and began to type of the blood requests and send off all the various forms that needed to run through the Big Practice system for pre-payment and all the rest. She then got a grin on her face and said, "Won't it be great if you get pregnant on this cycle?" Uh, yeah. Let's go with that thought.

So I got to hang around the office for the next hour or so as we did CD3 testing, met with nurse to go over injections, and got my samples of Gonal-F, info on the order that would be placed for me at the fertility pharmacy they use (complete with 2 for 1 Gonal-F pen special going on), how to get my sperm to the lab they use at the hospital campus for storage, and, oh, one last go at my veins as they realized all my virus testing was more than a year old and needed to be rerun. I didn't mind, but I felt bad for the techs since I had only had a coffee at 5:30 am, and oddly for me, did not suck down any water prior to getting there.

Looking back at the time there, and then down on the hospital campus to drop off my forms at the cryo lab there, I was *really* glad I wasn't having to freak out about getting back to work. Whew!

And yes, I am still researching donor embryos (really seems to be the way I want go), and will be following up with that this coming month big-time. I'm realistic about all this.

I'm on a low-stim protocol, with 150 of Gonal-F a night. I'll go back for an ultrasound and bloodwork on CD10. Ovidrel will be used to trigger. There was no mention of GnRH antagonists, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed my LH levels don't decided to do the wacky and start popping follies early.

Honestly, this fell into place to quickly and easily, I'm a little numb by it all. I think instead I'll focus on the rash of mid-terms I have going on this week.

a quickie

Just wanted to post a very heart-felt thankful for all the wonderful comments I've received. I Am okay, and I know that my baby, no matter how it gets here, is out there waiting for me. DNA has very little to do with it. After all, I did initially begin this whole pursuit thinking I was going the road of adoption. But I think the change to having the possibility of carrying my own child lit a little spark in me that was a wee bit stronger than I thought.

And being a gathering of our family and our identical looking faces this weekend added a fun little spin on it all. But I had my wine, I had my tears. Time to keep moving.

What I'm struggling now with is the stress of FINDING a donor egg or embryo. And not having to remortgage my house in order to afford it. Work blocking every non-business website these days is really cutting down on my research time! My sisters are all older than I am, and well past having any eggs themselves. I have some lovely nieces, but as someone said, I think that leads to some weirdness in the family! :)

The right little cell/collection of cells will come along. It is just being patient (not somethingI'm known for!) that is really hard.

Thank you again, for all the words of support. Where would I be without the internets?

crap

As I was sitting on a plane today, waiting to take off to Charleston for the weekend, my phone rang. I had a feeling when the number popped up as "blocked" that is was the new Dr.'s office.

In fact it was the new Dr. herself.

She didn't sound as enthusiastic with my numbers as I had been. That's because that missing AMH number came in.

0.22

I have no eggs left. The low FSH may indicate that they can get me to respond to meds, but the AMH means they will only get at most, 1 or 2. The chances of those 1 or 2 being healthy eggs? Really, really low.

I knew this was hanging out there. But after several hours, it is finally starting to sink in. adjectives like "barren" keep popping into my head out of nowhere.

From the get go, this was never about a biological child for me. But somehow getting diverted onto the TTC path has made me think more and more about the possibility of a biological child and how amazing that would be. We are a cute family with some really strong genes (my siblings and I and all my nieces and nephews look *exactly* alike). Picturing that has started to play in my mind.

I think it has also been playing in my mind to think of that with the added "as if" I had managed to get married. That happy little family unit, the great combination of our genes. My way of tormenting myself.

Now I'm thinking what that would all be in the context of the truth of my physicality. Barren. Infertile. How that can have additional impact when you are part of a couple. I think of what a failure I would be. Gosh, maybe it was better things worked out the way they did and The One That Got Away got someone who was fertile (even in her 40s). One more dig to that gaping hole in my heart.

Instead I have to fight this and start thinking donor embryos. Start doing research. Start finding a donor. Focus on the positive and what can be, and not what is not and never will be, right?

Right.

Still, I think copious amounts of wine and some tears are on the to do list this weekend.

now for the rest of the story

[originally saved as a draft under the title "my gut says ... this feels right"]

Wow, didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. The new schedule of juggling work and school has me busier and more sleep deprived than I've been in that last two years of the From Hell work project, but I am so much happier. At least when I'm in lab/class or studying. Work I have a hard time giving a fig about. Except when I remind myself that a lack of income is looming fast on the horizon.

Friday (okay, now last Friday) I had my appointment with the new RE, Dr. W. I like her. The office was quiet, low key. but very friendly, and not at all the rushed, you are just a mouse in the lab feeling that I had from the other REs office. I was an actual human being here. It could be because this is a satellite office for a big city clinic with lots of smaller offices, and only one doctor on staff here.

Or it could just be because they are awesome and have a different approach to it all.

First thing was it was the doctor who came to the waiting area (right on time) and called me back with a huge smile on her face. She is cheerful, bright and enthusiastic. And realistic. She also gave me the usual, "You are here on your own? Where are the men? Look at you, you are beautiful, professional, why no partner?" If you could figure that one out as well as my fertility....

We sat in her office and reviewed my history and medical file, and finally got to those pesky numbers. Mind, they only have the CD3 testing that had been run last March (09) as part of my clomid challenge. I was not about to offer up, "Oh, hey, my midwife ran CD3 tests last month too, and just to let you know, my FSH was up to nearly 40 now!"

And this is where the doctor was realistic: my numbers suck. They are basically saying that someone who should not be facing diminished ovarian reserve yet is. It's a fact. But where she differed from my prior RE is she mentioned donor eggs or donor embryos with enthusiasm, and asked very gently, "How important to you is it that this be genetic child of yours?" I know my answer, but the power of the emotion still caught me off guard, so I was more than a bit choked up as I answered. I've been on this road a long time. Sometime in college I decided "I'm adopting a baby" and having a husband never entered my mind as part of that picture. I've fought the adoption fight for close to four years, and came out feeling beat up and worthless, and basically like there was no hope as a single woman. I know, it does happen, but it is few and far between. Being turned away from agencies, nearly scammed by others, all the rest I won't even get into right now. I'll go back if I have to, but I want to give the chance to carry and birth a child one hell of a fight first.

When my prior RE had given me the "It's hopeless with your own eggs" speech, she rambled right into, "You'd have to consider donor eggs, and that's just so expensive, you really don't want to go down that road when in the end it wouldn't end up being your child."

Yeah, she said that. SHE. A woman. In the reproductive field. I think that is pretty much when my heart said "Bitch! I'm done with you!"

Is donor egg/donor embryo easy or inexpensive? Hell, no. But I'm sorry, when you take a cell or a small handful of cells and nestle it into your womb and feed and nourish and grow those cells through the miracle of it all with every bit of life force from you, how can you dare say it's not your child? How can you say to a child that you adopt, and look at the first time and know instantly that this is the child that has been waiting for you and meant to be and give that first hug that forms the start of that bond and say it's not your child? Anyway, I don't want to get sidetracked with this, but it really struck me the difference in how the two female doctors approached this.

So I said I was certainly open to donor eggs/donor embryo provided we are not talking about a $40K egg. But I wanted to give my body one last shot. One good kick in the pants to see if there was a good egg that could be shaken out. The RE smiled and said, "Good. We're going to get you your baby." And that was a phrase she said a couple of times. In her words, it takes three things for a pregnancy: a womb, sperm, and an egg; but people often mistake that a womb is just 1/3 of the equation -- it is much more.

In reading through the land of IF in the last year plus, you find there are two types of REs -- those who look at FSH, see one high number and say, "Nope, that is what your body is saying, and it's over" and those who read FSH month to month, and look for a low FSH month to try an IUI or IVF. Happily, new RE is in the latter camp, believing fully that FSH varies from month to month, and that doctors and acupuncturists can lower it and get a good egg. She agreed that my scarred and stunted right ovary may very well be affecting the FSH number since all others numbers looked good. But she also cautioned that endometriosis is very strongly connected to DOR. Research suggests that inflammation in the abdomen and the stimulation of the body's immune defense to that probably has a lot to do with destroying the primordial ovarian reserve.

So the protocol we decided on was to see if my body would respond to FSH suppression with estrogen (Estrace). This would help my pituitary relax since it was thinking the ovaries were busy doing their job, help to down-regulate my FSH receptors (which are most likely shot and exhausted after be yelled at so loudly month to month), and it would also give my follies a nice vacation to sit around in a pool of happy estrogen, and fat and strong. Sound like a win to me! So two weeks of Estrace, stop, I'd get my period and then we would do CD3 testing and go from there. If it could be lowered to 15 or under, IUI was possible. If it got to 12 or below, oh, we're talking IVF.

I left feeling good, but also realistic. I really don't think estrogen is necessarily going to do anything. After all, haven't I had a history of estrogen dominance? I tried to not let my logical brain take over, and started the Estrace on Saturday. It was about then, too, that I just seemed to let out one last held breath and said "whatever". It is what it is, I can't control it and change it. But I can move on to contingency plans and just not be so wound up in it all.

Which means I felt really good this week. Well, at least until class on Wednesday and the surprise period explosion after only 4 days of Estrace. (is it really a surprise if your cycle was 30 days long? Yeah, I didn't think so...)

~.~.~.~

And so we come to today and CD3 testing. I had/have a migraine to beat the band today, but stumbled out to the REs office for blood work and a scan. Nurse H who was driving the dildo cam today was excessively cheerful for 7:45am, but I'll take it. I didn't get to see the screen, so was a wreck over what my terrible antral count would be. Until she reminded me that I was on a suppression cycle, and they weren't expecting to see much. As expect, old Righty is a dud, still tiny, and absolutely void of follies. But Leftie apparently had 4 nice ones sitting out on pool floats, soaking up the rays. Nurse H chirped that this was an excellent reading for a FSH suppression cycle and sent me off with a huge smile.

I managed to keep from barfing at work (migraine) until noon and then packed it in. As I got home, my cell rang, and Nurse P was calling with my blood work. The AMH wasn't back yet, but she had the rest. My jaw hit the floor:

TSH - 2.87

Prolactin - 11.9

LH - 5.6

E2 - 36.7

FSH - ....... 14.2

Say what?!? I made her repeat the FSH a couple of times. She said she was quite pleased with the response and though the doctor is on vacation and I have to schedule a follow up with her to confirm anything as far as how we are proceeding, she said hopping back on the Estrace for a couple weeks would not be a bad idea.

So I should really go and call the office to schedule that follow up, and take a nap to chase of this migraine, but good golly, it looks like we may be on to something here!

::headdesk::

I have an entry on this past Friday's new RE visit half drafted (damn you work for blocking blogger and keeping me from running my personal life on work hours!) but small little blip on the radar for today.

Hello, surprise CD1!! While on campus. And waiting for a CD3 testing (blood and antral follicle count) for my cycle start after two weeks of estrogen.

Only problem being I'm only been on the estrogen 4 days, so do we test?

Cue me trying to get hold of the doctors office (note to self, please put office number in phone ASAP) as I'm running back to my car for "supplies" between lab and class. In the miserable heat and humidity that we are having. Ick. Very sweaty now.

All this will make much more sense once I get that other entry finished. And this will be a good kick in my butt to go ahead and get it finished!

pulling myself back together

this past week has been hard, to put it mildly. in a way i was lucky to have the distraction of classes started and being caught in the whirlwind of 5 hours a day of a summer accelerated organic chemistry lab and lecture to keep my mind occupied. but once i was at work in the afternoons and bored with the document monkey work (which takes about 0.35 seconds), i would spiral down into sudden tears, fits of rage, and searching the internet.

luckily for my sanity, firewall problems at work have meant nearly every site has not been blocked as of mid-week. instead i'm sending myself emails reminders at home for things to look up and investigate.

first order of business was making an appointment with the other RE clinic in town. i have a friend (also single) who has been seeing that doctor and has great things to say about the doctor and practice. I had a follow up with the mid-wife on CD3 for labs, and mentioned the potential of seeing the new Dr. W, and she also added her high recommendation, noting that she had worked with Dr. W and Dr. W was "in the trenches" as a normal OBGYN.

the RE clinic (which is huge, and actually headquartered in a neighboring state) called me back promptly Thursday morning after my Wednesday evening internet appointment request. they are sharp and on the ball, and not at all phased with working with a single woman. in fact that were well versed in the area, knew the issues with my health insurance (they refuse to cover fertility treatments if you are single) and it was explained to me how they would work with that limitation to be able to circumvent restrictions and keep my costs down as much as possible. So i have an appointment of 6/18. fingers are crossed.

i think i mentioned that after my one and only FSH test back in March of 2009, i had kept an eye on those level with the "at home" urine tests. they show positive for a number of 25 or higher. once i started acupuncture, the test line was becoming fainter and fainter, and a couple months ago, there was no second line at all. hurrah, or so it seemed, i had beaten the high FSH.

maybe it was just this past cycle, or maybe those tests are crap, because the CD3 bloodwork we did on this cycle came back with an FSH of 37. on top of it, my estrogen was low. basically, my pituitary is screaming like a drill sergeant and the ovaries are doing nothing. i'm back to remembering my original RE's question of whether i was missing part of an ovary.

certainly these numbers are looking like i'm missing an ovary, or part of one. we know the right one is pretty much kaput, but how can i be testing over the course of the cycle with estrogen dominance and yet on day 3 be completely deficient. add into my tendency to surge/ovulate early (CD11 surge is the norm for me) and all signs point to crappy, crappy eggs. i guess this will be a mystery for the new RE.

my plan at this point is to push for two aggressive medicated IUI cycles. I keep hearing good things about Femara and its ability to produce high quality eggs. if that doesn't work, i'll do one round of IVF -- possibly low-stim if i again am showing signs of being a "poor responder". i think that is probably the limit of what my body can handle as far as influx of meds. the step beyond that will be looking into frozen embryo donation.

i started a 3 week purification program today (from Standard Process this time). not too bad, but i definitely feel like crap today. i think there is going to be a lot of lounging around and hot baths to pull out the toxins this weekend.

for as much as this post is spilling out of me in a very business and cut and dry fashion, the anger and frustration is still there. i'm just having to shove it to the side to get on with the mission of making this need become a reality. it also hit me that if i am going to go through my doula certification, i need to build up some stronger emotional barriers. it's weird enough to be doing the readings and get defensive and hurt at the mention of the partner; seeing things play out in reality is going to be even harder.

yep. i've pulled up my big girl panties and i'm ready to fight for this once again. i can't keep bemoaning the card i've been dealt when all it does is pull me down.

no go

something happened this past cycle, but early Monday morning I began to spot. having one of the most violent periods ever.

am going to have to do some serious reconsidering of my approach on things, and reanalyze what i can get insurance to cover and what i can't.

i'm angry, frustrated, and mighty pissed off at the Universe right now. this is not the life i was going to grow up and have. some small piece of it has to come true.

14dpo

yesterday morning my temp dropped from the wednesday morning's wowza high. mind, it was still way above coverline and higher than it had been for the luteal phase. i was majorly crampy with a blazing headache all day. all i could think was i'm getting my period. but i never have cramps until i actually start bleeding.

i was an insane mess. which probably explains my appetite being completely off and litle waves of queasiness.

this morning my temp jumped back up again. there is no question i'm queasy and still mildly crampy. my head is in danger of being chopped off if it doesn't stop hurting.

there is a nasty little virus going around work, so i'm being realistic. but it is 14dpo. last cycle on the 200mg progesterone my period broke through in the evening. i'm only on 100mg this cycle, but, uh, that more effective form.

(and yes, the fact that my period broke through last time is why i am refusing to test this go around. well, at least not until Sunday, but you know even then i'll be terrified of that blazing white space next to the control line...)

nevertheless, fertilityfriend.com has bumped my early pregnancy signs to 46 points.

i think my brain will once again be missing from work today. wonder if i should call in sick and use up some of my vacation time....

not sign stalking. really. honest

my temp this morning (12dpo) like whoa. never been that high when charting except for the chemical pregnancy.

i can feel my uterus is all sorts of weird ways.

my pulses are seriously booming and a bit quicker.


BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE ANY OF THIS COULD MEAN ANYTHING. really. honest. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.....

*~*~*

in the realm of different news, i will be leaving my workplace of hell come September. it is official, and to be fair, workplace has been *very* generous and supportive in this change of careers at mid-life. i think they were wondering what they could do with me know that work has dried up. my summer on reduced hours and full benefits is smelling very much like a nice severance package, and they really are bending over backwards to help me transition.

classes and my reduced hours start Monday. having a date when i'm leaving this job (and knowing i need to find something else a bit more flexible and brain-easy come fall when i'm back in school full time) has made all the difference. knowing what my COBRA payments will be has lifted a weight off me, and i realize i can totally do this.

i'll refrain from going on and on about how ~*perfectly*~ timed (no, i'm serious!!!) would be right now.

let's just keep fingers crossed to have the last piece of the puzzle of my life to fall into place.

one week down....

since i know some of you are actually wondering what is up, i figured i better update. except, well, i really don't have anything for you. :) sure, there is some pressure and occasional twinges in the belly, but being hyper-sensitive at this point, and not knowing if that is an intestine or bowel twinge vs. a uterine twinge, not really helpful. low back ache? yup. but i've been out and about, playing in the garden, decluttering the house, sleeping funny, so again, inconclusive. no temp spike, no spotting, so ugh, its that final week of "omg, i have NO symptoms."

which, hello, for the majority of people in their 2ww that end up with a BFP is the norm. so forget it, i'm not playing the symptom spotting game.

no matter how strong and rapid my pulse is....

besides, it is probably the progesterone talking. which, thanks to the switch from the oral Prometirum to the ol', um, shall we say, "non-oral" form of progesterone, i am not gaining 10 pounds and having massive mood swings. people touting the no side-effects from the suppository vs oral form of progesterone are not kidding. i am much, much happier.

i do have to share my greatest amusement in calling the compounding pharmacy to check if my script was ready to be picked up, their "on hold" message promoting their "Rectal Rocket" was hilarious. they may have been touting how smooth and effective it was in providing immediate hemorrhoid relief, but i'm not sure i want something called a "rocket" anywhere near my tushie.


but, sadly, it has been confirmed i am simply a crazy old cat lady. i tried my darnedest with that little dog to make her happy and comfortable, but my goodness, was i stressing out. the fact that she had never actually been paper-trained was not helping, as was the fact that she had also had no obedience training, so expecting her to perform her evacuations while on a leash was beyond her, and if she was off leash, she wouldn't respond to coming back to you, which is really, really scary given where i live, and the number of coyotes running round. her medical condition was still dicey as well, so she had to be settled in with someone able to take her back and forth to the vet on a daily basis to check her infection status. have no fear, she will be loved and looked after. right now she is happy being able to be 'part of the pack' with her current foster situation, which is what i really wanted for her. and it was good to have the confirmation that yes, i find cats, so much more relaxing, even if they do bicker with each other.


i guess by this Friday we will know one way or another how this IUI worked out. ::bites nails::

craving the forbidden

oh, what i wouldn't give for a hot bath right now! but seeing as I had an IUI last night and today at noon, it is kind of verboten. still, i want to be surrounded by hot water right now! argh!

so yes, LH surge did show up the evening up CD10, nice and strong, which meant IUI yesterday evening on CD11, and one today at noon. everything went really well, and I clearly ovulated last night, so the IUIs fell nicely on each side of that. interesting note from Awesome Midwife -- today's noon IUI was the first time she had any kind of resistance with my cervix. with our one IUI per cycle timing previously, she only ever got to meet the "Hey sailor, new in town" hussy of a cervix that shows up during LH surge. after an ovulation, bam!, she closes down, telling any swimmers its too late.

well, too late if they are going to swim the whole length. when we cheat and put those guys right where they are supposed to be, seems like our timing might be even more spot on.

(and once again, her stories make her Awesome Midwife. an emergency breech VBAC delivery? she's a rockstar.)

on to crossed fingers and positive thoughts for the next couple of weeks...

oh, yeah, and tomorrow is my birthday. which is still not sinking into my head. is it because i have my fingers in my ears and am singing "LA LA LA LA LA" at the top of my lungs?

paging LH surge, paging LH!

who needs a scan to check follicle size? i can tell you right now i have a nice big and juicy follie blowing up my left ovary. it's pressing nicely against my bowel as a constant reminder that Tank had better show up on time tomorrow morning.

not that LH has been around to make the follie go pop. but at this point, i'm nervous that my waistband of my jeans or running tonight could shake that thing loose...

time to start stalking my OPKs....

confessions

i've finally admitted it to myself: mother's day falling on my birthday this year IS pissing me off. i didn't think i'd be still in the same place i was last year at this time. ::sigh:: chin up, deep breath, focus on the positive that is CD7 and the growth of a nice fat and healthy follie.

my acupuncturist said something odd to my last week as i was leaving treatment. "i'm really proud of you." i looked at her, confused and asked what she meant. "the whole way you are handling this negative."

i don't know if it is some much handling it as much as it is just being numb. i had that sense from the day after the IUI that things didn't happen. my hopes really didn't get high. as much as i tried to do positive visualization, i knew on some level it was pointless, it wasn't going to be this cycle as much as i wanted it. good news, things falling into place with work and career changes, a huge full double rainbow greeting me one evening during the 2ww... they weren't the signs a portents for this cycle.

yet still, i don't think it is something to be proud off. i feel like i cut myself off emotionally from this whole thing just because i knew i'd be facing a negative test. and somehow i don't think shutting everything down emotionally is necessarily a good thing.

~.~.~.~

but on to bigger and better cycles. Tank will be arriving this Friday for our hot date sometime this weekend. actually, we're going to go for two hot dates. Amazing Midwife thinks a double IUI this time just to counteract any potential bad timing sounds like a fair deal, and seeing as i've purchased those vials already, it's not hurting my wallet much more.

and goddess help me, but i'm about to be a dog owner. me, a confirmed crazy cat lady. my mom is the original Dr. Dolittle and has a foster toy poodle she's been nursing back into health. little white thing, who as it turns out, is one heck of a fire-cracker personality. but what has made me crazy over her is that she is very much a cat trapped in a dog's body. seriously. she's all about snuggling up with you, playing with cat-nip toys, and napping all day. being yippy and yapping at things? not her game. in fact she barely has a bark -- just this itty bitty squeak i've heard once. oh, and yes, she *loves* cats. fascinated with them. wants to give them kisses and curl up to sleep with them. clearly, this is not a canine.

so this little mini-diva is at the point of needing to be settled in somewhere, but mom has been worried about finding the right home for her and dropping hints my way the size of anvils. seeing as i feel much the same as she does (this is a very special dog who has been through a lot, and needs an awesome companion), i gave into the pressure. mom is thrilled and wants her to be settled in with me before Tank arrives since it is proven dogs do good things for your hormones. i chuckled at that one, not asking her for research. at this point, i'll go with every goofy suggestion.

there is no sign as sure as a ruined pair of knickers

and they were snazzy new ones, too. but looks like even with the prometrium, my 27/28 day cycle is a sure thing. spotting for CD1 on the way.

the estrogen, it is strong with this one...

i finally ordered a pee cup

the old mug that has been pressed into to pee-service for me has been dropped on the bathroom floor for the last time. there is only so much i can do with the Gorilla Glue these days. so i finally ordered this cute, specially designated pee cup as a treat for myself.

13dpo today and a BFN. i'll test again tomorrow and Tuesday morning just in case before i stop the prometirum. i remain strangely detached from it all. i think i'm trying very hard to protect myself. after seeing all kinds of signs and promise these past 2 weeks, i knew it was going to be hard.

my mom called this morning to tell me that the Today Show was running a piece on choice moms, and i put down my book and quickly tumbled out of bed to catch it. i thought it was a wonderfully positive piece (finally!). my mom commented tonight that my dad had watched it with interest, and though he always has been supportive of me, he now really "gets it" as to why i'm making this choice, and hat maybe i do know what i'm getting myself into.

oh crud

i just realized i am going to have to POAS this time around. ::cries:: i did one HPT before and i hated that experience of that glaring white space. its not something i have wanted to repeat, so i don't. i wait for AF.

but hello, on progesterone this go around! no AF until i stop it. which mean 14dpo i'm going to have to break out one of the 6 gazillion tests i have (thanks for all the free ones, earlyhomepregnancytests.com and clearblue easy...).

just..., just think really good thoughts and envision two lines for me come Sunday morning, okay? because i may very well loose it.

the only other thing that may be of note is at massage tonight, my therapist T commented that i had a ton of heat going on in my lower back. it wasn't inflammation, and it wasn't coming from the sacrum, but rather deeper in, and on either side of the sacrum which mean ... uterus. T knows my cycles about as well as i do right now, and she said this was not something that normally happens for me post ovulation.

i'm hoping that and the know achy low back i have are more than just progesterone side-effects. who knows, listing "your massage therapist my find a lot of heat in your low back while taking" is not included with the drug warning.

and i think they need to change the innocuous sounding "bloating" to something more accurate such as "none of your bras will fit, your jeans won't button, and you'll find yourself staring at yourself in the mirror, completely mesmerized that you have would can actually be classified as 'knockers' going on."

{{oh, and btw, whoever check in frequently from Iceland, i'd love it if you dropped me a note, privately if you wish. Iceland is near the top of my list of places i want to visit, and given all the recent news lately, i'm having fun saying "Eyjafjallajökull" as much as i can....}}

8dpIUI

holy crap, my boobs are huge right now. just in my way no matter what I'm doing.

of course I can't do any "sign spotting" this time round since I'm supplementing progesterone on this try, per the advice of my gyn & the midwife. i want to give any little bean as much of a chance at sticking as possible.

happily, much of the work stress is fading, so I was able to do lots of sleeping and coddling of myself this past weekend. felt absolutely delightful.

as to how I actually feel about this cycle, I'm pretty much in the area of numb. it's that spot you create where you dint want to get your hopes up because things nor working would be crushing, and trying to hope some little bit to keep your spirit open for what might be. so if anything, it's been easy to just not think about it during this 2ww.

of course, good wishes from others is always welcome. :)

and here we are again

Tank managed to arrive yesterday a few mere hours before the OPK let me know i was surging. i sent a text off to the midwife to see if she would be able to do an IUI in the morning, and all was arranged.

i still am finding it highly amusing and tres cool to be texting my midwife for these things.

my sign and portent for this try is the date of my surge - April 10. it was my mom's original due date for me. of course i decided to hang around for another 4 1/2 weeks on her. i've never been a morning person or eager to get out of bed.

all went off this morning without a hitch. well, okay, once small unexpected hitch. the bank sent 2 vials instead of the single vial i requested. seeing as it was the second day of my surge, there was no reason to use the second one. but now i have to call in the morning and triple check the charge on the tank and see if i need to keep it around and get it refilled before sending it back, or is there enough that sending it back tomorrow will get it back still frozen.

so another 2ww. feels a little surreal, a little unreal at the moment. i think i'm going to wrap things up for the evening and listen to my meditation and wonder how to stay sane for the next couple of weeks.

CD11

small milestone this morning. the fertility monitor actually gave me a "High" reading *before* giving me a "Peak" reading. yep, usually my E2 and LH are so out of sync i jump from Low to Peak, and then have a day of High. but not this cycle!

now, i just have to work on taxes, office work and ugh, some gardening while waiting for Tank to arrive today.

oh, and pee on OPK sticks a few more times to watch that LH!

and we're back.

back to CD1, that is.

yep, blew a follicle early last cycle. way too early, which means, hello, estrogen dominance was rearing it's head the cycle previous and left me with a few extra friends in the ovary.

but despite the raging cramps at the moment, i'm feeling hopeful to staying in balance this cycle, and giving this another normally timed try.

as if anything in this whole process can be considered normal.

dear body:

i'm not sure what you are up to this cycle, but color me very much not amused. we are on CD11 and i would like at least a hint that there is some LH running around my system. also, that temp spike above my coverline on CD10 is So Not Funny. especially given the complete lack of any sighting of LH since CD6, and that a certain frozen vial is winging its way here. bear in mind that Ms. Cervix is also reporting in remains low and firm, and El Libido can only just now be faintly heard humming a cha-cha.

i'm watching you. you better be getting it together, or just wildly excited of the fact that you are finally producing one hell of a primary follicle. i'll let you get away with goofing off with the BBT this one, but i expect everything else to be running as normal. or rather, better than normal.

now, kindly fall into line and return my temps to their normal pre-ovulatory range. extra stress is in no way necessary right now.

much love,
me.

wow, look at that, a whole month and then some went missing up here. i've been a bit holed up in my head of late, struggling with finding time and energy to write. things have been both a whirlwind, and yet the same old boring things. work has mostly taken all my time, and i've been doing some soul-searching on that front and am contemplating a career change.

but that's not why you're breezing by to see if i'm still here.

let's see, long story wrap up from when we last left our intrepid heroine:

• i checked in with my gyn to discuss if endo was hiding and if another surgery should be undertaken. his conclusion is that no, no signs on sonograms or symptoms, and that the risk of surgery for me outweighed any possible benefit.
• i sent off saliva test for my full December cycle to get a full hormone analysis. came back with classic estrogen dominance, to the point that i should not be ovulating as regularly and nicely as i do. but it explains why i was not able to hold onto the egg that fertilized in December -- my progesterone levels are good, but the estrogen is still higher.
• did testing for my adrenals which came back showing major burn-out. classic signs of long term high stress. shocking. absolutely shocking. < /sarcasm > am now on some herbs for adrenal support. my reaction (or rather, my lack there of) to high stress moments now is just amazing.
• did a full herbal cleanse from Blessed Herbs. wow. that was amazing, and felt incredible. i feel like i've completely reset my body, and last month's BBT chart was one of the best i've had this past year.
• was supposed to try another IUI this cycle, but the bank didn't have any IUI sampled ready until *this* month for both my #1 and #2 choices. argh!
• not trying this month may have worked out for the best. at the very end of my cleanse and the start of this cycle, i got hit with a nasty cold. i'm still rather miffed by that -- i haven't had a cold in probably 15 years. i get the flu, i have allergies, but i simply don't get colds.
• i broke down and bought the circle+bloom meditation series. this is another wow. absolutely love it. have never had such a powerful and effective guided meditation experience. the relaxation i'm able to achieve in my body is just amazing.
• started this cycle trying an herbal protocol for the estrogen dominance. unfortunately, i don't think it agreed with my body. i got tossed into a chronic daily migraine cycle, anxiety, depression, mood swings, and just feeling sick and unhappy. i decided to listen to my gut this week and stopped it. 48 hours later, and i am beginning to feel like myself again.

so, that's about where we are. i went ahead and purchased 4 vials of #1 donor in IUI, so i won't get caught not being able to try again. CD20 right now, so should probably drop the midwives a note to let them know i'll be back in circulation next month.

now, to see if i can accomplish the new mission of keeping this spot actually updated in a timely manner...

still alive

it really sucks when work keeps getting int he way of my internet life. i realize i am way long overdue with an update, and promise to try and find some time to update you all on where things are.

really.

i mean it.