Saturday, May 29, 2010

pulling myself back together

this past week has been hard, to put it mildly. in a way i was lucky to have the distraction of classes started and being caught in the whirlwind of 5 hours a day of a summer accelerated organic chemistry lab and lecture to keep my mind occupied. but once i was at work in the afternoons and bored with the document monkey work (which takes about 0.35 seconds), i would spiral down into sudden tears, fits of rage, and searching the internet.

luckily for my sanity, firewall problems at work have meant nearly every site has not been blocked as of mid-week. instead i'm sending myself emails reminders at home for things to look up and investigate.

first order of business was making an appointment with the other RE clinic in town. i have a friend (also single) who has been seeing that doctor and has great things to say about the doctor and practice. I had a follow up with the mid-wife on CD3 for labs, and mentioned the potential of seeing the new Dr. W, and she also added her high recommendation, noting that she had worked with Dr. W and Dr. W was "in the trenches" as a normal OBGYN.

the RE clinic (which is huge, and actually headquartered in a neighboring state) called me back promptly Thursday morning after my Wednesday evening internet appointment request. they are sharp and on the ball, and not at all phased with working with a single woman. in fact that were well versed in the area, knew the issues with my health insurance (they refuse to cover fertility treatments if you are single) and it was explained to me how they would work with that limitation to be able to circumvent restrictions and keep my costs down as much as possible. So i have an appointment of 6/18. fingers are crossed.

i think i mentioned that after my one and only FSH test back in March of 2009, i had kept an eye on those level with the "at home" urine tests. they show positive for a number of 25 or higher. once i started acupuncture, the test line was becoming fainter and fainter, and a couple months ago, there was no second line at all. hurrah, or so it seemed, i had beaten the high FSH.

maybe it was just this past cycle, or maybe those tests are crap, because the CD3 bloodwork we did on this cycle came back with an FSH of 37. on top of it, my estrogen was low. basically, my pituitary is screaming like a drill sergeant and the ovaries are doing nothing. i'm back to remembering my original RE's question of whether i was missing part of an ovary.

certainly these numbers are looking like i'm missing an ovary, or part of one. we know the right one is pretty much kaput, but how can i be testing over the course of the cycle with estrogen dominance and yet on day 3 be completely deficient. add into my tendency to surge/ovulate early (CD11 surge is the norm for me) and all signs point to crappy, crappy eggs. i guess this will be a mystery for the new RE.

my plan at this point is to push for two aggressive medicated IUI cycles. I keep hearing good things about Femara and its ability to produce high quality eggs. if that doesn't work, i'll do one round of IVF -- possibly low-stim if i again am showing signs of being a "poor responder". i think that is probably the limit of what my body can handle as far as influx of meds. the step beyond that will be looking into frozen embryo donation.

i started a 3 week purification program today (from Standard Process this time). not too bad, but i definitely feel like crap today. i think there is going to be a lot of lounging around and hot baths to pull out the toxins this weekend.

for as much as this post is spilling out of me in a very business and cut and dry fashion, the anger and frustration is still there. i'm just having to shove it to the side to get on with the mission of making this need become a reality. it also hit me that if i am going to go through my doula certification, i need to build up some stronger emotional barriers. it's weird enough to be doing the readings and get defensive and hurt at the mention of the partner; seeing things play out in reality is going to be even harder.

yep. i've pulled up my big girl panties and i'm ready to fight for this once again. i can't keep bemoaning the card i've been dealt when all it does is pull me down.


  1. Hi (new to commenting, but been lurking for a while). I'm so glad you're seeing a new RE, I can't believe this FSH was the only one you've had since March 09! My RE measures mine every other cycle or so, just as a reference.

    With your high FSH, you might also want to consider a hybrid cycle with Femara and an injectable like Gonal-F (low dose). After my first two failed IUIs with Clomid (where I still only produced one follie), my RE suggested that as the next step. He thought it would improve my chances (I got 2 follies), and if it didn't work, he said it would also give him an idea of how I'd respond to meds for IVF.

    Bemoan your fate all you need - as long as you're able to fight again after you get it all out of your system!

  2. Hey - Great plan! I agree on the need to be aggressive. I will beg my doc to go with something else if this time doesn't work (i'm still waiting to find out).
    After reading "Inconceivable" I'm convinced that you can take charge of those numbers! I looked up the Standard Process and think that's exactly the thing to do! Good for you!

  3. Can I just say that I am feeling for you. This is something I wish you weren't going through but this straight out methodical talk you're putting out says to me that you've at least got your business hat on and you're going to get through this. I can agree with that. I know you'll get through this.

    I've heard good about Femara. I've looked it up and if you can shoot for that instead of Clomid definitely go that way. I'm hoping to if I need to. Femara and gonal-f like shannon mentioned and femara and follistim were the ones I was looking up. Still have more looking to do but feel free to check those out.

    I've looked up the embryo route too so if you need any info in that area, I may be able to help there. I'm honestly praying you don't have to go there but I'm happy to share info where needed.

    Lastly, can I just say how awesome it is that you're doing a doula cert? I'm still working on my postpartum cert (its taking me forever) but I'm looking forward to birth and antipartum. Go you!

    You have got this. I'm so rooting for you!

  4. I am SO happy for you that you switched RE's and the new office is willing to do whatever it takes to keep costs down and help you achieve your dream.

    Your aggressive medicated IUI plan is a great call. I took notes from Shannon and Gille's previous posts--such good info. Even though it's not fair you're going through this, I so appreciate you sharing your story because it's helping me shape my own plan.

    We are all routing for you and can not wait to share in your happiness when you get that BFP!

  5. I used to get very offended at the mention of "partner" in reading. Now I just wonder how people can continue to be so naive to think that everyone has a partner. I was reading a sleep training book that kept talking about involving the "dad". I literally said out loud "and if there isn't one???????"

    I think your plan sounds great. Hopefully the new RE will work out and get you to the BFP!

  6. Just came across your Blog (love the name, BTW) & wanted to say hi...I hope your new RE makes all the difference.