not sign stalking. really. honest

my temp this morning (12dpo) like whoa. never been that high when charting except for the chemical pregnancy.

i can feel my uterus is all sorts of weird ways.

my pulses are seriously booming and a bit quicker.


BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE ANY OF THIS COULD MEAN ANYTHING. really. honest. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.....

*~*~*

in the realm of different news, i will be leaving my workplace of hell come September. it is official, and to be fair, workplace has been *very* generous and supportive in this change of careers at mid-life. i think they were wondering what they could do with me know that work has dried up. my summer on reduced hours and full benefits is smelling very much like a nice severance package, and they really are bending over backwards to help me transition.

classes and my reduced hours start Monday. having a date when i'm leaving this job (and knowing i need to find something else a bit more flexible and brain-easy come fall when i'm back in school full time) has made all the difference. knowing what my COBRA payments will be has lifted a weight off me, and i realize i can totally do this.

i'll refrain from going on and on about how ~*perfectly*~ timed (no, i'm serious!!!) would be right now.

let's just keep fingers crossed to have the last piece of the puzzle of my life to fall into place.

confessions

i've finally admitted it to myself: mother's day falling on my birthday this year IS pissing me off. i didn't think i'd be still in the same place i was last year at this time. ::sigh:: chin up, deep breath, focus on the positive that is CD7 and the growth of a nice fat and healthy follie.

my acupuncturist said something odd to my last week as i was leaving treatment. "i'm really proud of you." i looked at her, confused and asked what she meant. "the whole way you are handling this negative."

i don't know if it is some much handling it as much as it is just being numb. i had that sense from the day after the IUI that things didn't happen. my hopes really didn't get high. as much as i tried to do positive visualization, i knew on some level it was pointless, it wasn't going to be this cycle as much as i wanted it. good news, things falling into place with work and career changes, a huge full double rainbow greeting me one evening during the 2ww... they weren't the signs a portents for this cycle.

yet still, i don't think it is something to be proud off. i feel like i cut myself off emotionally from this whole thing just because i knew i'd be facing a negative test. and somehow i don't think shutting everything down emotionally is necessarily a good thing.

~.~.~.~

but on to bigger and better cycles. Tank will be arriving this Friday for our hot date sometime this weekend. actually, we're going to go for two hot dates. Amazing Midwife thinks a double IUI this time just to counteract any potential bad timing sounds like a fair deal, and seeing as i've purchased those vials already, it's not hurting my wallet much more.

and goddess help me, but i'm about to be a dog owner. me, a confirmed crazy cat lady. my mom is the original Dr. Dolittle and has a foster toy poodle she's been nursing back into health. little white thing, who as it turns out, is one heck of a fire-cracker personality. but what has made me crazy over her is that she is very much a cat trapped in a dog's body. seriously. she's all about snuggling up with you, playing with cat-nip toys, and napping all day. being yippy and yapping at things? not her game. in fact she barely has a bark -- just this itty bitty squeak i've heard once. oh, and yes, she *loves* cats. fascinated with them. wants to give them kisses and curl up to sleep with them. clearly, this is not a canine.

so this little mini-diva is at the point of needing to be settled in somewhere, but mom has been worried about finding the right home for her and dropping hints my way the size of anvils. seeing as i feel much the same as she does (this is a very special dog who has been through a lot, and needs an awesome companion), i gave into the pressure. mom is thrilled and wants her to be settled in with me before Tank arrives since it is proven dogs do good things for your hormones. i chuckled at that one, not asking her for research. at this point, i'll go with every goofy suggestion.