Friday, July 9, 2010


As I was sitting on a plane today, waiting to take off to Charleston for the weekend, my phone rang. I had a feeling when the number popped up as "blocked" that is was the new Dr.'s office.

In fact it was the new Dr. herself.

She didn't sound as enthusiastic with my numbers as I had been. That's because that missing AMH number came in.


I have no eggs left. The low FSH may indicate that they can get me to respond to meds, but the AMH means they will only get at most, 1 or 2. The chances of those 1 or 2 being healthy eggs? Really, really low.

I knew this was hanging out there. But after several hours, it is finally starting to sink in. adjectives like "barren" keep popping into my head out of nowhere.

From the get go, this was never about a biological child for me. But somehow getting diverted onto the TTC path has made me think more and more about the possibility of a biological child and how amazing that would be. We are a cute family with some really strong genes (my siblings and I and all my nieces and nephews look *exactly* alike). Picturing that has started to play in my mind.

I think it has also been playing in my mind to think of that with the added "as if" I had managed to get married. That happy little family unit, the great combination of our genes. My way of tormenting myself.

Now I'm thinking what that would all be in the context of the truth of my physicality. Barren. Infertile. How that can have additional impact when you are part of a couple. I think of what a failure I would be. Gosh, maybe it was better things worked out the way they did and The One That Got Away got someone who was fertile (even in her 40s). One more dig to that gaping hole in my heart.

Instead I have to fight this and start thinking donor embryos. Start doing research. Start finding a donor. Focus on the positive and what can be, and not what is not and never will be, right?


Still, I think copious amounts of wine and some tears are on the to do list this weekend.


  1. I'm so very sorry. I got almost this exact same information about myself back in January so I know firsthand how devestating it can be. I'm currently beginning a donor egg cycle. Allow yourself time to grieve. I'm still somewhat in the process. Tears and wine are good agenda items. Feel free to get in touch with me if you need support.

  2. The title of this post sums up your results well. I am so, so sorry. You are entitled to many glasses of wine, lots of tears, and some angry fists to the sky. It's just not fair.

    When you are ready, you will see the next steps to take to become what you already are in your heart--a mom. We're here for you.

  3. Oh, what a crappy telephone call. And what a horrible time/place to get it. That flight must have sucked terribly. I'm so sorry.

    Yes, wine and tears and let the anger come. It isn't fair and it totally sucks.

  4. I'm so sorry that you got the news you did not want to hear :(
    I agree with you--look at the positive and to the future, after a weekend of tears and some drinks.

  5. I am so so sorry. Pick yourself up but later. It can wait till later. For now, this sucks and I'm sorry. If you need info on donor embryos later, I don't mind helping you out in any way.

  6. I'm so sorry. It just sucks.
    Be gentle with yourself and it's good that you are already planning your next move on this journey.

  7. Crap indeed...I'm so sorry you've received this news. Big Hug.

  8. Dropping by from the LFCA to offer support.. I have been there. The grieving process of "giving up" on your own eggs is tough and I would hope to not minimize that in any way. BUT now that my partner is pregnant with donor eggs (yes, I also had to give up on my body), I honestly just don't care who made the eggs. We are having the children we were meant to have and I am peaceful about that. I hope you also find your peace and your baby soon.

  9. None of this is easy. My AMH was .05. That's pretty damn close to zero. After several cancelled cycles, I made it through one with my own eggs. Got one lone embryo. I did NOT get pregnant.

    But I woke up this morning to smiles from my gorgeous 7 month old donor embryo daughter. She doesn't look anything like me, but I carried her, felt her kick within me, gave birth to her, and breastfeed her. I'm her mom. She is the child I was meant to have. Take it one step at a time. You can do it!

  10. I am so very sorry. I don't suppose you have a sister or cousin who might consider donating eggs? Though of course that could bring many complications to your family...

    As many of the women above said, however you arrive at your own little one, he or she will be the child you were destined to have. Good luck to you, and hang in there.

  11. Dear, dear Momma In Progress,

    I am so very sorry for your verdict. I adore your pursuit of the family that you deserve. Be strong, sadly, you have been left with no choice.

    I cant say I have used donor eggs, but I think about them all the time. I wish we knew each other better. I have so much I think I could share on the subject.

    I will see you around. I am thinking about you. (ps - My daughter looks NOTHING like me. As a donor egg candidate, dont think the humor is lost on me....)

    I love Dora's post. Doesnt matter how they get here, just get 'em here.