In fact it was the new Dr. herself.
She didn't sound as enthusiastic with my numbers as I had been. That's because that missing AMH number came in.
I have no eggs left. The low FSH may indicate that they can get me to respond to meds, but the AMH means they will only get at most, 1 or 2. The chances of those 1 or 2 being healthy eggs? Really, really low.
I knew this was hanging out there. But after several hours, it is finally starting to sink in. adjectives like "barren" keep popping into my head out of nowhere.
From the get go, this was never about a biological child for me. But somehow getting diverted onto the TTC path has made me think more and more about the possibility of a biological child and how amazing that would be. We are a cute family with some really strong genes (my siblings and I and all my nieces and nephews look *exactly* alike). Picturing that has started to play in my mind.
I think it has also been playing in my mind to think of that with the added "as if" I had managed to get married. That happy little family unit, the great combination of our genes. My way of tormenting myself.
Now I'm thinking what that would all be in the context of the truth of my physicality. Barren. Infertile. How that can have additional impact when you are part of a couple. I think of what a failure I would be. Gosh, maybe it was better things worked out the way they did and The One That Got Away got someone who was fertile (even in her 40s). One more dig to that gaping hole in my heart.
Instead I have to fight this and start thinking donor embryos. Start doing research. Start finding a donor. Focus on the positive and what can be, and not what is not and never will be, right?
Still, I think copious amounts of wine and some tears are on the to do list this weekend.