worries and doubts and voices in my head

i'm a swirl of various things right now, so excuse me as i try and sort them out up here.

first off, yesterday's IUI went off without a hitch. well, except for the numbers of the swim-team, that is. on my first IUI, day 1's numbers were 53 mil with 45% motility, but day 2 dropped to a shocking 7 mil with 30% motility. still, i figured 60 mil total was good.

yesterday, no so good. 7 mil with 23% motility. the nurse seemed surprised, and then tried to assure me that pregnancies happened with worse numbers. yeah, but remember we have my pathetic eggs in this mix as well. thinking these numbers were not what my bank promised, i called them yesterday afternoon and explained the situation. they weer shocked and concerned as well, but said that a substandard report had not been filled by my RE's lab so that it could be investigated and options pursued. remember, i'm starting with ICI samples, so my clinic's wash is the only one they are getting -- my numbers should be a hell of a lot better -- at least 10mil, more likely 15mil.

so i have a call into the my clinic's cryobank so i can get them to submit that paperwork. and i'm thinking that if today is bad numbers as well, i may have to go for the back-up donor. ETA: and the clinic's lab just called me and said they would get the paperwork filled out and faxed today and give me a call to let me know when it had been faxed so i can also call and follow up with the cryobank.

needless to say, i tried not to focus on this too much yesterday, and had my massage therapy in the evening, and she gave me a full body work-up to get the blood flowing, and worked fertility/conception triggers. i have acupuncture tonight after found 2 today, so i at least feel like i'm doing everything that i can on my end.

except for the second niggling worry in the back of my head -- my timing. i keep thinking i should have called to go in Sunday morning, despite the negative OPK that morning. other signs were there, and gee, wouldn't you know last night as i went to bed, i clearly felt ovulation start on my left side (my right side seems to be completely defunct after all). temp rise this morning confirmed it, so i almost feel like today is a waste -- won't it be 12 hours after? what's the point? other signs (cervix and mucus) also had shifted by last night, where as friday, saturday and sunday were clearly doing the rah!rah! we're ready right now! dance for me. next month -- if i have to do this next month -- i may go more with my gut instinct and see if i can't jump things a day early.

and so now for me getting all touchy-feely. you've been warned....

after all this doubt and niggling, last night when i went to bed, i read some more of Spirit Babies (which has been a really interesting read -- some folks would say kooky and out there, but my theory is hey, we don't know everything about the Universe, shut up and at least listen for fun). i had managed a great meditation on saturday when drifting in that should i nap state, actually feeling a flow of energy around my hips reaching and expanding out. i thought my welcoming mantra, reaching out for my child. last night after reading and turning of the light, i immediately felt that energy around my hips again, without even trying. again those welcoming thoughts for my child, and i suddenly realized i was thinking of the child as "him" (i've always tried to keep my thoughts gender neutral), and as i realized this with a bit of shock, i felt almost a joyous laugh and acknowledgment in that energy around my hips. like i said, kind of kooky, but very real in the moment, and enough to make tears of happiness spring to my eyes. today i'm staying focused on that, that feeling, that presence, and that positive power i have in myself.

wow, i can't wait for acupuncture tonight to meditate on this some more, and let all the worries wash away.