::tap, tap, tap::

hear that noise? that's me, impatiently waiting for CD1. hello, i figured you'd be here by saturday at least. i'm now on day four of the day-before-AF headache and just antsy as all get out to get the next cycle started so this show can get on the road.

i know, in looking at my chart, this longer cycle is a good thing. this is a nice long luteal phase now (heading into day 15) with consistent temps. good luteal phase means good sticky bean environment, and that's what we need.

i am at preset lying in bed with my castor oil pack on my belly and the heating pad on top of that. this isn't exactly the eyes closed meditation i'm supposed to be doing, but me time of late is hard to come by, so i figure positive baby talk during this is all good. i have to say this is one of the favorite things from the acupuncturist. i put the back on, and my belly gets all grumbly and shifting around, and then i can just feel my ovaries swelling and shifting about. and heating pad on belly before bed is very conducive to a good night's sleep.

a very good friend gave me her copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility this weekend, and given her own fertility story (they were kinda sorta maybe ready to start thinking about trying and wham! preggers...), i feel like i should rub the book across my belly for good luck. i've never thought of myself as a superstitious or luck minded person, but i think this whole adventure is warping my brain in that regard with my looking for signs everywhere, and turning them on their head for luck if i need to.

like the fact that my sperm order is shipping on April 1. o_0 instead i'm thinking oh, hey, Fertile Myrtle good friend's birthday, so this is cool. mm hm, whatever i need to get through the days....

i had my phone consult with the nurse practitioner/mid-wife from the sperm bank today. we went over my numbers from the RE, and she was kinda stunned at the FSH 31 on day 3 and then dropping so much *after* the clomid challenge. i said there might be a wee bit of stress involved. her response was, "uh, i'd say! that's just ... wild." so she confirmed everything i was doing with supplements, acupuncture, massage. she was glad to hear the RE didn't dismiss me outright, and was open that we are only looking at a 5% chance, but going ahead with 3 clomid IUIs. i've pretty much decided that if nothing happens in the first 3 cycles, i'll take several months off and keep working with the acupuncturist and give my body a chance to get some nice follicles going. then i'll go back for another 3 rounds and see where things take us.

the midwife was encouraging though, and said with all that i'm doing right now, she wouldn't be surprise at all if i was pregnant sometime in the first 3 rounds, even with my numbers and endo history. i'm thinking positive, i'm doing the right stuff, and she sees this happen. i'm just continuing to send those hopeful thoughts out to the universe.

it's funny, because my instinct is to try and prepare myself for the worst. i realized tonight what i was doing, prepping myself to not be pregnant on the first try and be patient, and realize this is going to be struggle. and i said screw it, that's not hopeful positive thinking. enough with the worst case scenario and being prepared for the worst. i'll deal with disappointment and upset when and IF they come. from now on, i'm fully giving into my 'fantasy' of a one shot wonder. it can be done. and i want to be that one that sets a new record in the clinic for the highest FSH pregnancy. :)

there was a topic this past week on the SMC email group that really reminded me of how lucky i really am. not only do i have my family's support, but i live where i can actually take this step and make my dreams of being a mom come true. a SMC thinking ready to be trying who is an ex-pat in Europe found out from her clinic there that it is illegal to help a single woman get pregnant. ILLEGAL. (and yes, this could be a road we in the US of A may start to head down at some point, but don't get me started on that.) wow, where do your options go then? sleeping around to try and get pregnant? sham marriage to get a clinic to work with you? i'm sorry, but i'm kind of really happy and secure with having a detailed medical screening and history of those vials i'm ordering -- must more info than you get from a potential one-night stand ("hey, cutie, so tell me about the history of cancer in your family!") or even a long-term boyfriend in some cases. it is just something that has really haunted me all week. i'm worried enough about my numbers and my fertility. to worry about whether it was even legal for a doctor to help on this journey just boggles the mind. so i'm sending hugs and positive thoughts for optional paths for this SMC. it's a bit of a bigger hill to climb, but it can be done, an you've got a troop of SMCs around the world ready to help you out in any way we can.

changing perspective on time

when you start watching the calendar and shifting your life around your cycle, it's so odd how your perception of time changes. i'm like most in that as you get older, time is flying by -- how did it get to be March already? but now that i'm waiting for my next cycle, it seems the days are crawling by. but today's migraine and this evening malaise that is keeping me from working out is letting me know AF is imminent. the clomid is in the medicine cabinet, ready and waiting, and i'll be calling to schedule my HSG as soon as it appears.

today, i ordered sperm. haven't heard from the bank on my order, but i do already have my consultation call with them scheduled for Monday evening. such a weird thing to think today that i used a rarely fax from work to order myself some sperm. and if that wasn't enough of a chunk of change, i just 'celebrated' tonight with ordering myself some sassy and sexy socks -- call it prepping for my hot date. (yes, i have a thing for socks...)

Tuesday was my second visit to the acupuncturist, and she was very pleased with my chart for the week. i have a nice solid jump post ovulation, and even better, my temps for the week have been spot on consistent instead of bouncing all over the place. this is such a good sign. i didn't have the major activity in my pelvis during this treatment hat i had last time, but that is probably a sign that everything is up and running again.

i'm amazed with the changes the supplements are bringing about. my skin is softer and holding moisture better, my hair feel oddly thicker (but hey, i'll take it!), and is much silkier, but also prone to being uber-greasy in the morning. and, uh, yeah, cervical mucus. all of it helps me to keep thinking positive and telling my body it can do this. just one really good egg at the right time, that's all we need.

that's about all from the holding pattern here. once AF shows up, i'm sure next month will be a flurry of activity.

change of seasons

i stopped by to visit my parents today and handed my mom the profile printout of the donor i've decided to go with. i cracked up when she looked at it and instantly said, "ooooh, great handwriting!" i come by it naturally.

she seemed as taken and impressed as i was with the profile, clearly noting the same things that i knew would have to be important beyond healthy (love of music, artistic spirit, good math brain). dad jokingly asked if he would get to meet the donor, which was a great jumping off point for me to explain the 'willing to be known' concept for donors, and that for me, that was the first and foremost requirement. given the option i have now, i have to provide that future opportunity for my child.

of course i have the pile of registration forms in front of me that i need to complete and fax in tomorrow. as soon as i find my fax machine. i know i have one or two here either in the cellar or attic. i was going to rush and try and get them off on friday from work, but then realized i forgot to print a form and was not feeling wacky enough to risk printing it at he shared work printer. i decided it was a good reminder for me to take a couple deep breathes, relax, and focus on work instead.

Azhure's comment in the last post has been keeping me company the past few days, simply because i agree: i have a really good feeling about this. here we are at Ostara, the season of fertility opening before us and beckoning. i even discovered two tiny crocus in the garden who have bravely peaked the heads above ground, and sings on every cane of my rose bush that it survived the winter just fine. the calm from monday's acupuncture session is still there for me under the surface, allowing me to stop and meditate as i need, and i can't help but find myself smiling at the welcoming thoughts and wishes i'm sending out. it's like having my feet finally under myself. it's a scary and unknown path, but it just feel so much stronger and sure of doing this.

mission positive. that's what i've decided to dub this. positive thoughts about my body, positive thoughts about my fertility, all the power of positive i can throw into every area of my life and carry me through until that BFP* shows up.

* Big Fat Positive. i swear, i will come up with a primer for all these abbreviations.

it'll all come out in the wash

i did get in touch with the cryogenic coordinator at the clinic regarding my omg, what if they only have IUI samples available worry after being told to order ICI. she said the doctors only say that to save us money since they have a policy of washing even the already washed samples. making sure the medium is theirs, checking numbers, and also for their success statistics to be accurate.

okay, so know i'm adding back in potential donors. and i'm also glad i've decided on using a lab that has much higher post-wash numbers than their "usual".

but in looking at profiles again today at lunch, i still keep coming back to one of them, so i think part of me has made the decision. and yes, i'll be dorky and say i think a lot of it has to do with the handwriting. i'm a huge critic of the handwriting...

i am yin deficient

in prep for my acupuncturist visit last night, i listened to a great podcast from Creating A Family, that featured Dr. Angela Wu, author of Fertility Wisdom. and yes, i promptly ordered the book!

i though Dr. Wu's final thought t the close of the podcast was just what i needed to hear on so many levels:

"be grateful for fertile blessings in any form, whether it is a baby or a bright idea. Recognize that we may not choose the particular vehicle that carries us through life, but we can change our life's journey at any time just simply by choosing a different path and choosing to travel with a smile. ... smile to your organs, smile to your body, smile to your partners and smile to the world, and smile to the little baby you are inviting to continue with you."

the message of smiling was an echo of an earlier sentiment she had in her talk of learning to thank our bodies, and not be mad at them. so much of infertility is tied up in anger and frustration and hatred of the body, when in fact we need to remember to be thankful for it, no matter what.

this rings so true for me, after years of complaining about my "stupid human suit" or griping that my warranty expired a long time ago on this. i've been busy as seeing my body as weak and failing and incapable. if i would just turn that around and show it love, admire the positive and praise the right, maybe it will hear me, feel encouraged, and continue to get stronger and be the perfect nesting place for that soul i'm waiting on.


my visit with the acupuncturist herself in the evening was a downright amazing experience that lasted 2 1/2 hours. she took a detailed history of my body (because hey, i figure all the food sensitivity, allergies, pain, fatigue, arthritis, and endo are connected here). and she agreed. i'm already doing some things correctly (eating gluten free), but need to continue to make changes. my body is very "cold" but areas are overheated and dried out (poor ovarian reserve, hair loss) which indicates that things are flowing incorrectly. first and foremost, i am to cut non-fat or low-fat foods out of my diet entirely. instead, full fat milk for making my yogurt (or switch to keifer), eat walnuts (ugh, cashews aren't enough!), and no cold (temperature wise) foods. let things come to room temperature, or add ginger or cinnamon to something to help warm it. despite the endo, i am going to have to eat more eggs and meat. hot breakfasts are essential, as is no caffeine.

welcome to my first day without a coffee at the front of it. luckily, i did not fall asleep while driving to work.

so we reworked my green smoothie recipe, and i need to stop at the market tonight to pick up some probiotics and fish oil. after years of abuse, healing my digestive tract is key on this journey in order to get those poor ovaries some nourishment. stews are highly recommended for me, so i'm actually kind of pleased about that, because i have a weakness for stew. i did ask her to promise me i wouldn't weigh 200 pounds at the end of this with adding back all the missing fat from my diet, and rich foods. did i mention duck? duck is highly recommended for me. mmmmm. . .

oh, and she also said i am in need of illegal substances. huh? yin tonics, that are of course, banned. but there are herbs and tonics for yin that can still be used, so i'll be going on a course of those as well to help feed those deep asleep eggs.

my poor sleep habit and inability to stay asleep is a sign of a fiery heart, something she confirmed on inspecting my tongue. i was about to make a wise-crack about any signs of a broken heart when she commented instead "also deep heartbreak and loss." ouch. it's a defense when i mock it, but it just stings coming from elsewhere.

the needle treatment itself was an amazing feeling. she put in a fertility meditation cd for me, and covered my legs (which were bare) and left me for close to 45 minutes. as soon as she had started locating the points and needling my legs, my gut quickly responded with gurgles and shifts. she said that was just what we were going for. four pins int he center of my belly immediately went from electrical charge to spreading warmth. i was amazed that my bare legs and feet, usually so cold were warming and comfortable as well. and as my gut stopped making its noises, i instead felt pressure and shifting right at my right ovary. the entire time of me meditating was feeling and focusing in on that constant activity. something definitely woke up and got some energy.

to say i was mellow and relaxed but also energized and hopeful after the session would be an understatement. also the sudden rush of cervical fluid as i walked out of the office helped to bolster that feeling. ;) it was late when i got home, but i put myself on a plan of getting myself right to bed and falling asleep (new rule -- lights out at 10!); everything else would have to wait until tomorrow.

i had the strangest, heaviest sleep i can ever remember. i woke up completely and figure my alarm must be ready to go off any second. i checked the clock, and it was only 3:50. six hours of sleep felt like 12, and i was disturbingly alert. i made my self snooze until my 5.15 BBT alarm. the change in sleep alone is enough to make me want more of the experience, and i hope this carries through until i get back next week.

so fingers crossed, and now focused on keeping things compartmentalized - worry about work while at work while at work; worry about personal stuff while at home.

anything but a lazy sunday

i should be working on my taxes, but you know, i need to get this donor stuff figured out and sorted so that can be ready to go next month -- which will be before the tax filing deadline if my estimation is correct.

i'm going with my gut here after a week of checking out the various banks, reading raves, reading horror stories -- you know the drill. so it is either PacRepro (Pacific Reproductive Services) or TSBC (The Sperm Bank of California). both have great reputation for working with single women, and are known for having high quality samples. i'm going to need the best swimmers possible if my eggs are going to be iffy.

i just need to call TSBC tomorrow and confirm that there are ICI samples available for all donors, since it is a bit vague from their site. i now have a stack of donor profiles printed out and am reading, rereading, and putting into different piles as i try and figure this all out....

bugger ye all

well, no, things can be worse than even i imagine.

Day 3 FSH - 31

Day 10 FSH - 11

Inhiben B - 17

hi, i'm the Single Hussy and my eggs suck. the only bright side is that everything else was lovely. even my E2 levels where a calm 38 on Day 3 and a yeah, we're listening to you yell 225 on Day 10. not spectacular, but not sign of something else.

the doctor asked if i'd had an ovary or part of one removed. i told her the only thing i remembered hearing after my first endo surgery was that my right ovary was badly scarred and most likely non-functional.

so i asked right away, what do i do? do we just jump into IVF? acupuncture? though she was reserved and not "oh, don't worry, i've had women in your situation get pregnant" (because no, her highest FSH number for pregnancy was a 22), she also said, "i didn't say there was no chance. it's just not a good chance, but we are still going to try."

given the pathetic state of my numbers, no to started with IVF since she doesn't think she would get good eggs. we decided to go ahead and do the HSG next cycle just to make sure we know everything we are dealing with at this point. and we'll do a clomid cycle IUI next cycle as well. get the ball rolling.

so i picked up the card for the acupuncturist they had. but, when i called, i got a different office, and in doing a quick google search, found no info on the guy. plus, it would be waaaay far away.

what did come up on google for the area was a center for well being that focuses on acupuncture for infertility, including tradition Chinese medicines, and it is next door to one of the W&I locations. one of the doctors has almost the exact same last name as me, so i called, and within 5 minutes, she called back. she quickly took down my info, asked about my charting, as many of my numbers as i could remember, my age, situation, etc., and i have an appointment monday night.

i'm also upping my maca root i'm taking, and will start on DHEA tomorrow as well. i'm curious about the FSH drop on day 10. i started on the maca day 8. stress level around day 3 was somewhere through the roof. so my new mission right now is to de-stress as much as possible (we'll see how work cooperates), get to bed earlier, and focus on creating some healthy eggs out of my piddly reserve. it can be done. i'm not going to let this be hopeless.

if i have to, i'll give three IUIs a try now, wait a few months as i continue the other therapy, and try again. i'm focusing on being positive right now. i have to.

and i just have to say that my experience today with my RE's clinic was really refreshing. as soon as i checked in, a nurse came out and introduced herself to me, and apologized that the doctor was running 15 minutes late, and was that okay. (new sonogram machine compete with training techs slowing things down.) i said of course, and within 15 minutes was in the doctors office to talk to her.

after talking to the doctor and coming up with the game plan, the nurse sat with me again, went over all the instructions for the HSG and the IUI. she said chin up, it's been done. as bleak as things felt, no one at any point said, it's hopeless, don't waste your time or money.

after speaking with the acupuncturist, i realized i needed all my blood test results and called over to the office, explaining i needed my numbers, my info was taken so a nurse could call me back. again, within 5 minutes my phone rang, and the nurse explained that we should set up a time tomorrow for the doctor to call and explain them all to me. when i said i had already been in and needed the information for acupuncture, she immediately pulled up my info and gave me the full run done. this kind of support and understanding and cooperation with other practitioners is something i have never encountered when dealing with doctors. it was great.

it was also nice to be told that wow, except for that FSH, i had really good blood results. yeah, no wonder the blood center loves my donations.

talking myself down from the cliff

i tend to have this reputation of being the Prophet of Doom: if anything bad is going to happen, it is going to happen to me.

but i need to stop thinking that way. so i took a deep breathe yesterday and blew off tons of work to search the SMC email list for "high FSH" and was immediately calmed down. first, i don't know if we are talking 10+ means 11 or 28 here. second, there seems to be support and proof aplenty on the list for those with high FSH conceiving. and third, i clearly remember a big sign in the RE's clinic for acupuncture.

by the time the nurse called me back to schedule my follow up with the RE (tomorrow at 11:00 - i'm loving this quick turn-around!) i wasn't completely on the verge of losing it. i will admit i was wallowing a bit in the self-pity pool on the drive to the counseling session, but made myself snap out of it.

i have to say, the counselor was of teh awesome. really wonderful talk, and she mentioned how my RE was sending her more and more single women deciding to do this. i also scored the name of a nutritionist to help me keep my "issues" in check during pregnancy, so i am thrilled. i do so much better when seeing a nutritionist and letting them regiment the diet instead of my warped brain.

all in all, i think we established i might be a toe in on the sane side of line, eyes wide open, and ready for the ride. what i wasn't ready for and didn't expect was my brief moment of "mourning the dream" that reared it's ugly head and opened back up that shattered part of myself that is still not dealing with missed connections. sucked the air right out of me and i lost it for a second or two. things lost/not had were so much easier to breeze over and discus in an actual logical fashion when it didn't have a face and name attached to it. and despite my cavalier attitude of "i'm fine and happy, watch me laugh and play", nothing has healed over, and i suspect it never will.

oh well. such is life. i'd say better to distract myself with thoughts and obsessions on this plan of mine, but secretly, i worry that my change of heart and gut feeling is just that, an intentional distraction.

crap

well, post an entry, get a phone call.

CMV is negative, so that's fine and know i know what i'm looking for in swimmers.

on the not so good side, my clomid challenge results "were not in the normal range." Day 3 FSH was 10+. Day 10 FSH is 10+.

::insert expletive::

this is going to be a fun and stressful follow-up visit i schedule.

it's the little things that make you stop and say...

... WTF am i thinking?

well, no, not really. but today is one of those hectic days of family-making stuff scrambled in with the usual chaos of work. and much of the stuff if of the deep though provoking kind.

much like my contemplation of caffeine this weekend. i have, successfully, broken the diet coke with lunch habit that crept back in a month or so ago. i hate the stuff, but i love the brain power it gives me. but what is worrying me more is the new cup o' coffee-coffee-coffee at 6 am. i was thinking last week that i really need to not continue to use the yummy soy creamer i discovered that made coffee drinkable since soy is not a friend of conception. trust me to avoid thinking of the much larger (as in a whole mug full larger) fact that i'm going to have to give up this form of caffeine. just because it happens when i am fresh out of the shower and barely conscious as i check email does not mean it is a free pass.

then i start thinking of what this means -- falling asleep while driving to work. huh. caffeine that is bad for me, or, dying in a messy wreck on I-95. i wonder which i can talk the doctor in to.

when you start thinking of all that crazy things that were considered perfectly normal and "safe" around the time i was born, a cup of caffeine a day does not seem that big a deal. wisdom of the late 60s and 70s suggested women gain no more than 5 lbs when pregnant. alcohol while pregnant wasn't that big a worry, nor was smoking. heck, my first 4 months of formation in the womb were accompanied with a steady dose of birth control pills since mom was in such denial she could actually be pregnant. and cars were on the highway without seat belts, never mind child restraints. for goodness sake, you went home from the hospital, held in the arms of your mother sitting in the front seat of a car with no seat belts! surely, when viewed against this, one cup of coffee? please?

but the other bigger thoughts of the day are courtesy of:

Day 10 bloodwork. will need to see if they call me back or if i give up and call to schedule followup appointment with RE. i'm still in happy denial that anything will be wrong with my hormone levels. it keeps away the massive panic i felt when thinking about "what if..."

Estate Planning. the SMC yahoo group recently brought home the importance of planning ahead and having everything lined up when a SMC recently died of pregnancy complications this past December. her son did survive, and thankfully, she was one of those planner who had everything, including life insurance, in place for her child. seeing as life insurance will not be written for a woman who is pregnant, that is my first piece to get into place.

i also had a meeting today with the attorney (K.) who handles my will. i did already have one in place because of some family estate issues, but that was drafted 12 years ago and needed to be updated. also, i knew K. would be able to handle all my questions and the best way to arrange everything now for the little wild child before daddy sperm is even chosen. sure enough, we have a plan, and now it is up to me to do the hard part of thinking and talking with some special people in my life.

roles needed to fill:

1. Guardian
2. Trustee of Estate (a guardian will most likely also be a co-trustee, but a more money manager is best in this role as well)
3. Trustee for Power of Attorney
4. Trustee for Medical decisions.

oh, and i really should figure out my own thoughts/feelings/wishes on funeral and burial for myself. cheerful stuff, and certainly something i need to explore and settle my own thoughts on. (note to self: there will be no archaeological digs in cemeteries once you bite it so after-death fame of your skeleton is a moot point; go for the modern version of the Viking funeral pyre.)

i also need to reconsider life insurance amount i'm shopping for. 10 times my annual salary is the normal starting point, but that is also taking into consideration there is another parent there to supplement that income. not the case in this situation also, my salary in years past has climbed steadily. granted, not looking for that this year, but still, where will i be 7 to 10 years into a term policy? so i'm thinking i'm going to have to bump that amount up a bit higher and see how loudly my budget yells.

Required Counseling with Social Services. tonight i get to meet with the counseling that is required for anyone using donor sperm or eggs. happily, my thoughts on this have been knocking around for 15 year. my biggest problem i've ever worried about was omg, what will people think of me, single and knocked up? and what will they think when i tell them i've been knocked up by a test tube? because yes, it's all about me. explaining to a child the vast amount of love and desire that brought them into being through this still somewhat unconventional route, not so scary.

of course the doctor hinted that this session was more to decide and discuss what if anything the child should be told.

::blink::

okay, but i tend to be of the belief that there should never be a moment in their life that the child cannot remember knowing how they came to be. maybe it's different for a couple facing infertility. for me, i'm intent on building rock-solid confidence in my child, and first and foremost in that is comfort and understanding of how they came to be. i just have too much love for them already to let a little something like no partner get in my way of bringing them into being.

welcome to the challenge

the past couple days i've had a hint of the flu sneaking up on me to try and attack. i'm chalking this up to the fact that as a good little trying to become pregnant patient, i stopped taking my Wellness Formula supplement that is chock full of six million herbs and other stuff and has that big old warning of talk to your doctor if you are crazy enough to try and get pregnant, are pregnant or nursing. i hold full faith that those suckers are the reason i have not had a cold in the decade i've been taking them -- best things ever. so after leaving work yesterday feeling like i had been run over by a truck that then decided to park on my chest, i took a handful, crawled into bed and slept myself out.

but i did set an alarm to remind me to take my clomid for the first day of the challenge. expecting the worst of the side effects, i decided an evening take time would make more sense -- try and sleep off most of the effects. the result is ... not much. no violent mood swings (except i'm cheerful this morning -- what's up with that?), no dizziness since i was already dizzy with flu attack at the time i took it, and no nausea, since again, had already been present.

i did leave a message with the GP regarding the cymbalta question, and he's out of town at a conference, but the nurse said he'd call monday night. i did a ton more research and reading, and i have to say, i'm leaning towards asking to stay on, maybe at a reduced dose. i'm already on a low dose, but in all honesty, i think the benefits far outweigh the risks, especially as there is nothing to clearly prove that some of the risks are connected to the cymbalta. we'll see what he says, and i'll raise it with the RE again and get her take (and then later, the OB/midwife's take on it).

also started the pack of OPKs i picked up as the RE suggested. though why when i'm on a clomid challenge is beyond me. but at 5 am, i think the reason became clear -- it take a certain amount of skill and being awake to pee on a stick. this is obviously something to get me in practice for the coming months. . . .

to be anxious or not to be anxious

today is all about trying to figure out what i'm going to do with the fact that i'm currently on Cymbalta. yep, i admit it, i'm on an anti-depressant and in all honestly, love what it's done to my brain.

my GP put me on it thanks to that amorphous diagnosis of "fibromyaligia". chronic pain ,chronic fatigue and all that goes with it. from the start, there was a huge effect. the from o to bitch in .4 seconds reaction vanished. my freak-out factor dropped to almost non-noticeable (or in the doctor's words, i had become resilient). i was suddenly back to walking fast. the newly discovered pain in my hips and pelvis vanished. 20 pounds from my frame also vanished, as did my constant obsessing about food and when and what i was going to eat. my house got messy, and eh, that was okay, it was life. who was i, and what happened to the high-strung type A personality that used to live inside me? in all honesty, i don't care, i'm glad she's gone.

i'm now running regularly, without pain. my sleep is better, my energy levels increased, appetite down, and all the stress of work is bearable. i never thought i was an anxious person, but in looking at how i've changed, i think that i really am anxious. this little pill every morning has changed that for the better.

i also have this little lingering thought in the back of my brain that i would not have changed my mind to switch from the nightmare of adoption to IUI without the changes from the meds. my outlook on life has changed, what i can do, what i can handle. yeah, and my whole irrational fear of omg, i'll be fat if pregnant! is conquered. mostly. if i stop, where does this leave me?

but i'm faced with the fact that this is a class C drug and i want to get pregnant. now what?

in just my quick reading of research online, there is plenty of debate. many say don't take, many say if you need it, it should be continued. there is question of the effects in the third trimester, both with withdrawal symptoms on the mother, and whether it is causing low birth weight or breathing difficulties/underdeveloped lungs in the fetus.

when i said last week to the RE that i realized i'd have to come off it, she didn't confirm or contradict my statement. so i need to call my GP and discuss it with him, and ask him to also get me some back up one way or another on the research.

of course this means telling my GP of my plans, which will be interesting to see what his reaction is.

last year this would have caused me to immediately consume half a box of the girl scout cookies i just picked up. right now, i'm thinking of actually doing some work to procrastinate from calling the doc. ha!

day 3 testing

my lunch today was heading over to the ART center at W&I and having about 16 vials of blood drawn for my cycle day 3 testing. i did decide to go ahead and have the genetic testing run for cystic fibrosis, just so i know my stats, and can be extra diligent from shopping for swimmers if i need be.

of course this means i'm 2 days away from starting the reported fun of mood swings and all hell breaking loose that is the Clomid challenge. oh joy!

next tuesday's lunch will also be back visiting the vampires, i mean nice ladies in the blood lab, but for fewer vials. i hope.

in a comfort zone

Day 3 blood work scheduled for lunchtime tomorrow. so tonight, i stopped by Target to get my clomid rx filed.

Ms. Geist* was on duty, and as she handed me the prescription, cheerfully said, now you've been on this before, right?"

"actually, no, this is the first time, but the nurse gave me the instructions this morning."

"she then asked something to the effect of how long have you been trying, and i think i hesitated for a nanosecond before saying i was only just starting, and this was part of the testing. she looked confused for a minute and i smiled and said, "i'm doing this on my own."

"oh, that's different. [pause. realization dawns. cue big grin.] what a wonderful idea!"

at which point she launched into praise, asking how prepared i was for having a baby, support system, how wonderful kids from single moms are, etc., etc. she was getting more excited and wrapped up in it all as we chatted, and she finally sent me on my way with a "i can tell you are going to be an incredible mom. keep me updated on how things go for you!"

not sure what is up with me merrily informing strangers of my plan except, hey, i'm at a comfort level with this. but seeing people who had not encountered this choice in their life take it in, digest, accept and then become cheeleaders is kind of heartening. who knows, maybe we are paving a path for the new "normal".


*not her real name, she just looks and talks exactly like the character with that name from the movie Clueless, right down to a pencil being lost in her always mussed hair.