Wednesday, March 11, 2009

talking myself down from the cliff

i tend to have this reputation of being the Prophet of Doom: if anything bad is going to happen, it is going to happen to me.

but i need to stop thinking that way. so i took a deep breathe yesterday and blew off tons of work to search the SMC email list for "high FSH" and was immediately calmed down. first, i don't know if we are talking 10+ means 11 or 28 here. second, there seems to be support and proof aplenty on the list for those with high FSH conceiving. and third, i clearly remember a big sign in the RE's clinic for acupuncture.

by the time the nurse called me back to schedule my follow up with the RE (tomorrow at 11:00 - i'm loving this quick turn-around!) i wasn't completely on the verge of losing it. i will admit i was wallowing a bit in the self-pity pool on the drive to the counseling session, but made myself snap out of it.

i have to say, the counselor was of teh awesome. really wonderful talk, and she mentioned how my RE was sending her more and more single women deciding to do this. i also scored the name of a nutritionist to help me keep my "issues" in check during pregnancy, so i am thrilled. i do so much better when seeing a nutritionist and letting them regiment the diet instead of my warped brain.

all in all, i think we established i might be a toe in on the sane side of line, eyes wide open, and ready for the ride. what i wasn't ready for and didn't expect was my brief moment of "mourning the dream" that reared it's ugly head and opened back up that shattered part of myself that is still not dealing with missed connections. sucked the air right out of me and i lost it for a second or two. things lost/not had were so much easier to breeze over and discus in an actual logical fashion when it didn't have a face and name attached to it. and despite my cavalier attitude of "i'm fine and happy, watch me laugh and play", nothing has healed over, and i suspect it never will.

oh well. such is life. i'd say better to distract myself with thoughts and obsessions on this plan of mine, but secretly, i worry that my change of heart and gut feeling is just that, an intentional distraction.

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