Wednesday, March 4, 2009

to be anxious or not to be anxious

today is all about trying to figure out what i'm going to do with the fact that i'm currently on Cymbalta. yep, i admit it, i'm on an anti-depressant and in all honestly, love what it's done to my brain.

my GP put me on it thanks to that amorphous diagnosis of "fibromyaligia". chronic pain ,chronic fatigue and all that goes with it. from the start, there was a huge effect. the from o to bitch in .4 seconds reaction vanished. my freak-out factor dropped to almost non-noticeable (or in the doctor's words, i had become resilient). i was suddenly back to walking fast. the newly discovered pain in my hips and pelvis vanished. 20 pounds from my frame also vanished, as did my constant obsessing about food and when and what i was going to eat. my house got messy, and eh, that was okay, it was life. who was i, and what happened to the high-strung type A personality that used to live inside me? in all honesty, i don't care, i'm glad she's gone.

i'm now running regularly, without pain. my sleep is better, my energy levels increased, appetite down, and all the stress of work is bearable. i never thought i was an anxious person, but in looking at how i've changed, i think that i really am anxious. this little pill every morning has changed that for the better.

i also have this little lingering thought in the back of my brain that i would not have changed my mind to switch from the nightmare of adoption to IUI without the changes from the meds. my outlook on life has changed, what i can do, what i can handle. yeah, and my whole irrational fear of omg, i'll be fat if pregnant! is conquered. mostly. if i stop, where does this leave me?

but i'm faced with the fact that this is a class C drug and i want to get pregnant. now what?

in just my quick reading of research online, there is plenty of debate. many say don't take, many say if you need it, it should be continued. there is question of the effects in the third trimester, both with withdrawal symptoms on the mother, and whether it is causing low birth weight or breathing difficulties/underdeveloped lungs in the fetus.

when i said last week to the RE that i realized i'd have to come off it, she didn't confirm or contradict my statement. so i need to call my GP and discuss it with him, and ask him to also get me some back up one way or another on the research.

of course this means telling my GP of my plans, which will be interesting to see what his reaction is.

last year this would have caused me to immediately consume half a box of the girl scout cookies i just picked up. right now, i'm thinking of actually doing some work to procrastinate from calling the doc. ha!

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