i though Dr. Wu's final thought t the close of the podcast was just what i needed to hear on so many levels:
the message of smiling was an echo of an earlier sentiment she had in her talk of learning to thank our bodies, and not be mad at them. so much of infertility is tied up in anger and frustration and hatred of the body, when in fact we need to remember to be thankful for it, no matter what.
"be grateful for fertile blessings in any form, whether it is a baby or a bright idea. Recognize that we may not choose the particular vehicle that carries us through life, but we can change our life's journey at any time just simply by choosing a different path and choosing to travel with a smile. ... smile to your organs, smile to your body, smile to your partners and smile to the world, and smile to the little baby you are inviting to continue with you."
this rings so true for me, after years of complaining about my "stupid human suit" or griping that my warranty expired a long time ago on this. i've been busy as seeing my body as weak and failing and incapable. if i would just turn that around and show it love, admire the positive and praise the right, maybe it will hear me, feel encouraged, and continue to get stronger and be the perfect nesting place for that soul i'm waiting on.
my visit with the acupuncturist herself in the evening was a downright amazing experience that lasted 2 1/2 hours. she took a detailed history of my body (because hey, i figure all the food sensitivity, allergies, pain, fatigue, arthritis, and endo are connected here). and she agreed. i'm already doing some things correctly (eating gluten free), but need to continue to make changes. my body is very "cold" but areas are overheated and dried out (poor ovarian reserve, hair loss) which indicates that things are flowing incorrectly. first and foremost, i am to cut non-fat or low-fat foods out of my diet entirely. instead, full fat milk for making my yogurt (or switch to keifer), eat walnuts (ugh, cashews aren't enough!), and no cold (temperature wise) foods. let things come to room temperature, or add ginger or cinnamon to something to help warm it. despite the endo, i am going to have to eat more eggs and meat. hot breakfasts are essential, as is no caffeine.
welcome to my first day without a coffee at the front of it. luckily, i did not fall asleep while driving to work.
so we reworked my green smoothie recipe, and i need to stop at the market tonight to pick up some probiotics and fish oil. after years of abuse, healing my digestive tract is key on this journey in order to get those poor ovaries some nourishment. stews are highly recommended for me, so i'm actually kind of pleased about that, because i have a weakness for stew. i did ask her to promise me i wouldn't weigh 200 pounds at the end of this with adding back all the missing fat from my diet, and rich foods. did i mention duck? duck is highly recommended for me. mmmmm. . .
oh, and she also said i am in need of illegal substances. huh? yin tonics, that are of course, banned. but there are herbs and tonics for yin that can still be used, so i'll be going on a course of those as well to help feed those deep asleep eggs.
my poor sleep habit and inability to stay asleep is a sign of a fiery heart, something she confirmed on inspecting my tongue. i was about to make a wise-crack about any signs of a broken heart when she commented instead "also deep heartbreak and loss." ouch. it's a defense when i mock it, but it just stings coming from elsewhere.
the needle treatment itself was an amazing feeling. she put in a fertility meditation cd for me, and covered my legs (which were bare) and left me for close to 45 minutes. as soon as she had started locating the points and needling my legs, my gut quickly responded with gurgles and shifts. she said that was just what we were going for. four pins int he center of my belly immediately went from electrical charge to spreading warmth. i was amazed that my bare legs and feet, usually so cold were warming and comfortable as well. and as my gut stopped making its noises, i instead felt pressure and shifting right at my right ovary. the entire time of me meditating was feeling and focusing in on that constant activity. something definitely woke up and got some energy.
to say i was mellow and relaxed but also energized and hopeful after the session would be an understatement. also the sudden rush of cervical fluid as i walked out of the office helped to bolster that feeling. ;) it was late when i got home, but i put myself on a plan of getting myself right to bed and falling asleep (new rule -- lights out at 10!); everything else would have to wait until tomorrow.
i had the strangest, heaviest sleep i can ever remember. i woke up completely and figure my alarm must be ready to go off any second. i checked the clock, and it was only 3:50. six hours of sleep felt like 12, and i was disturbingly alert. i made my self snooze until my 5.15 BBT alarm. the change in sleep alone is enough to make me want more of the experience, and i hope this carries through until i get back next week.
so fingers crossed, and now focused on keeping things compartmentalized - worry about work while at work while at work; worry about personal stuff while at home.