Monday, March 30, 2009

::tap, tap, tap::

hear that noise? that's me, impatiently waiting for CD1. hello, i figured you'd be here by saturday at least. i'm now on day four of the day-before-AF headache and just antsy as all get out to get the next cycle started so this show can get on the road.

i know, in looking at my chart, this longer cycle is a good thing. this is a nice long luteal phase now (heading into day 15) with consistent temps. good luteal phase means good sticky bean environment, and that's what we need.

i am at preset lying in bed with my castor oil pack on my belly and the heating pad on top of that. this isn't exactly the eyes closed meditation i'm supposed to be doing, but me time of late is hard to come by, so i figure positive baby talk during this is all good. i have to say this is one of the favorite things from the acupuncturist. i put the back on, and my belly gets all grumbly and shifting around, and then i can just feel my ovaries swelling and shifting about. and heating pad on belly before bed is very conducive to a good night's sleep.

a very good friend gave me her copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility this weekend, and given her own fertility story (they were kinda sorta maybe ready to start thinking about trying and wham! preggers...), i feel like i should rub the book across my belly for good luck. i've never thought of myself as a superstitious or luck minded person, but i think this whole adventure is warping my brain in that regard with my looking for signs everywhere, and turning them on their head for luck if i need to.

like the fact that my sperm order is shipping on April 1. o_0 instead i'm thinking oh, hey, Fertile Myrtle good friend's birthday, so this is cool. mm hm, whatever i need to get through the days....

i had my phone consult with the nurse practitioner/mid-wife from the sperm bank today. we went over my numbers from the RE, and she was kinda stunned at the FSH 31 on day 3 and then dropping so much *after* the clomid challenge. i said there might be a wee bit of stress involved. her response was, "uh, i'd say! that's just ... wild." so she confirmed everything i was doing with supplements, acupuncture, massage. she was glad to hear the RE didn't dismiss me outright, and was open that we are only looking at a 5% chance, but going ahead with 3 clomid IUIs. i've pretty much decided that if nothing happens in the first 3 cycles, i'll take several months off and keep working with the acupuncturist and give my body a chance to get some nice follicles going. then i'll go back for another 3 rounds and see where things take us.

the midwife was encouraging though, and said with all that i'm doing right now, she wouldn't be surprise at all if i was pregnant sometime in the first 3 rounds, even with my numbers and endo history. i'm thinking positive, i'm doing the right stuff, and she sees this happen. i'm just continuing to send those hopeful thoughts out to the universe.

it's funny, because my instinct is to try and prepare myself for the worst. i realized tonight what i was doing, prepping myself to not be pregnant on the first try and be patient, and realize this is going to be struggle. and i said screw it, that's not hopeful positive thinking. enough with the worst case scenario and being prepared for the worst. i'll deal with disappointment and upset when and IF they come. from now on, i'm fully giving into my 'fantasy' of a one shot wonder. it can be done. and i want to be that one that sets a new record in the clinic for the highest FSH pregnancy. :)

there was a topic this past week on the SMC email group that really reminded me of how lucky i really am. not only do i have my family's support, but i live where i can actually take this step and make my dreams of being a mom come true. a SMC thinking ready to be trying who is an ex-pat in Europe found out from her clinic there that it is illegal to help a single woman get pregnant. ILLEGAL. (and yes, this could be a road we in the US of A may start to head down at some point, but don't get me started on that.) wow, where do your options go then? sleeping around to try and get pregnant? sham marriage to get a clinic to work with you? i'm sorry, but i'm kind of really happy and secure with having a detailed medical screening and history of those vials i'm ordering -- must more info than you get from a potential one-night stand ("hey, cutie, so tell me about the history of cancer in your family!") or even a long-term boyfriend in some cases. it is just something that has really haunted me all week. i'm worried enough about my numbers and my fertility. to worry about whether it was even legal for a doctor to help on this journey just boggles the mind. so i'm sending hugs and positive thoughts for optional paths for this SMC. it's a bit of a bigger hill to climb, but it can be done, an you've got a troop of SMCs around the world ready to help you out in any way we can.

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