but really, i'm okay!

between yesterday and today, i've had a lot of sympathetic looks, and "gosh, i'm so sorry!" from folks when they found out that the BFN was official. i don't know if i wasn't expecting that, or if the fact that i've been pretty sure for a week now that i wasn't pregnant makes it feel ... odd to be comforted. or more accurate, odd to be so elated.

i'm elated because i showed that in just a few short weeks, i turned my body around from poor responder, likely not ovulating to multiple follicles ovulated from. it was confirmation of everything i was thinking and hoping about the end of last week when i finally realized i needed to slow down, focus just on my body right now, and then be ready to tackle trying again.

yeah, it kind of sucks to still have to POAS every morning when you know it is going to negative, and some silly part of me all through last week was hoping that "this will be the morning" that the stick changes, when hello, i was clearly lacking in the secondary temp jump on my chart.

i'm energized, i'm at peace, i'm calm and sure of what i'm doing. yes, it was a negative. but a negative with good news. and come on, even for young couples in their 20s with no fertility issues only have 25% chance of getting pregnant each cycle. a woman in optimum health and fertility is looking at about a 15% chance with IUI. so i dropped to a 5%. but that to me is still 5% of YES. YES is can happen, YES it will happen, but you have to be patient. and i know that and am fine with it. that 5% may even be expanding now. it just is so much easier to look at this, take a deep breath, and just let it go. no stress, because what is meant to be, when it is meant to be, will be.

the official BFN

thanks for everyone who was rooting for a first shot miracle, but as i expected, the blood work showed a BFN today. not too surprising since a) my temps didn't show that tri-phasic jump, and b) no + on those sticks i've been testing.

(and what fun -- i get to continue POAS until AF shows up for the testing protocal...)

good news in speaking with the nurse in that Dr. W was very pleased with my blood test results as far as the progesterone, as it indicated that i was in fact responding to the clomid and clearly had a couple follicle i ovulated from. for a progesterone reading where they want to see a 10, i had a 60. this explains the past 4 nights of crazy night sweats. i'll be glad when those corpus luteum leave town -- by my charts, i've got a few more rough nights in store.

i let them know i was going to take next cycle off to get my body in better shape. they said no problem, and that Dr. W had approved me for a couple my tries on the current protocal (50 mg clomid, no trigger) when i was ready.

off to brew up some tension tamer tea to remind myself to keep the stress at bay, and gee, i guess i put those DHEA tablets in my pocket today for a reason. :)

nothing to report

3 days of POAS for science and nadda. i'm sure the blood test on monday will confirm things. i've been doing a lot of thinking and worrying in this 2ww, mostly about the health of my body. i'm frustrated and anxious that the herbs and supplements and teas i had been on, i can't take. i worry that one i get my period and can start them up again, that short period before ovulation is not enough time to boost up these rusty ovaries. i feel helpless, like i'm not doing enough, or am not dedicated enough.

so at acupuncture this morning, i expressed this to my doctor, all in a voice and manner i could tell was one fraught with anxiety. i was really regretting not having my usual cup of tension tamer tea as i seem to be a bit more mellow with it.

i told the doctor i think i needed to slow down and take a break next cycle. i need to focus more on my body and getting it where it needs to be with all the herbs and supplements that i can't use if i'm possibly pregnant, or trying. as i was saying it, i felt the tension start leaving my body, and a wave of calm settle in its place. i didn't need to her agreement at that point, i finally figured out what i needed.

so yes, next cycle i'm going to step back and focus on getting the body in optimum egg-producing mode. i'm going to continue to battle the stress hormone and find the balance that i need.

and i'm going to do more yoga. i've meant to this week, but i've just been so stinking tired every night that by the time i walk in the door, all i want to do it brush my teeth and crawl into bed. usually i love the quiet and calm of yoga in the next of my bedroom, stretching in the glow of the fairy lights i strung up over the window on a whim. it's my moment to decompress, thank my body and wow, does it get me ready to sleep. but i've not needed that help lately!

so tonight i'm in bed later than i should be (was off work today and slept for three hours this afternoon -- oops!). am nearly finished with Inconceivable, by Julie Indichova. absolutely love it, from her easy style to her story of overcoming secondary infertility at 42. of course i discovered in reading it this afternoon that Julie came to much the same conclusion i just did this morning -- slow down, step back and take a deep breath. rushing and pushing and fighting so hard with all the worry is doing no good.

yes, 40 is sitting right there for me, looming on the two week horizon. but it is a number. just like that FSH of 31. what matters more to me is the living. there is a great quote in Inconceivable that rang true with me: "pay attention to your dreams, for they are your letters from God."

i cannot tell you the number of dreams i've had since i was an early teen of being pregnant. of being pregnant and knowing that i didn't have a partner involved. when i was a teen, needless to say those dreams scared the bejeebers out of me. by the time i was in my 20s and had already heard from my gyn that pregnancy may very well not be a possibility for me, they seemed like wishful thinking. they would hurt a bit, and in my usually fashion, i'd brush it of, building up a wall to that pain inside myself. in the last few years, those dreams were clearly a vocation for me, making me stop and wonder if i was choosing the right path to becoming a mother, and yet confirming in some sense that doing this on my own had always been in the cards.

i'm one of those people who puts a lot of power and strength into dreams and sorting through their meaning. the subconscious is a powerful and complicated beast, and it does have a heck of a lot of wisdom to impart, so i'll stop and listen to it's wacky ramblings to sort things out. it's work for me well in the past, and now, now it is a pull of hope. and that is something everyone on this journey needs.

staying somewhat sane

sane for me is a long-shot anyway. i've spent the past week being all over the map on where i feel things are and what results will be. i've had nights of wonderful joyous dreams, only to be followed by a night full of nightmares. i've been embracing my incredible bloated belly -- when not feeling that it is nothing more than crap eating with too much sugar in the diet. i'm now reaching the point of trying so hard to look/not look for any signs that i've turned myself off of food as of last night. everything tastes off, and nothing sits right in the tummy. (to the point that i just tried to eat a nibble of chocolate and was so icked by the taste i spit it out. go figure.)

my subconscious, it is such a prankster.

but wonderful Nurse L. just called to let me know that my bloodwork from this morning is "awesome" and my body is doing an amazing job at producing progesterone.

this isn't really a surprise since i usually spend my entire luteal phase waking up with night sweats from the little furnace my innards turn in to. still, trying not to be too prepare for the worst with this since, hey, it's freaking good news!

Wait, wait, wait...

Just testing photo posts from the phone. Sorry all, looks like you will be subjected to a snapshot journey log as well. This was several weeks ago as I was waiting to meet with the RE and go over my test results.

and here i said i wouldn't be a nutter in my 2ww

that was before i headed over for IUI part 2 today, and a nurse approached me and asked if i would like to be part of a research study for a new at home early pregnancy test. what the heck. i wasn't going to go crazy on the POAS simply because the fear of disappointment is so huge. but no, i get to do two a day from CD21 on....

what is even cooler is they provides all the supplies, including the ClearBlue Easy that is being tested against. this and compensated at the end?

so of course now that i've allowed myself the POAS during the wait, you know i'm going to be obsessing over early pregnancy signs. damn this internet and glut of information at my fingertips!

of course i'm all a flutter at the moment since for the entire afternoon it has felt like my uterus is having a wrestling match with my bladder. either that, or it's a rowdy frat party in there with them waiting for a chick to jump out of a cake. oh, hey, that is what's going on! we got a party of 60mil on board and with any luck, at least one hot looking healthy chick headed their way.

or, it could be my completely weak and stressed out caving and consuming of the last small piece of heavily frosted chocolate cake left in the kitchen at work. i should have stopped after the first bite and i was overloaded by the richness of gluten/sugar/chocolate. mm, hmm. you saw that weak and stressed above, right?

numbers for today's specimen were not as good as yesterday. 53mil yesterday as compared to 7mil today. i know 60 is a good total, but sill, quite a difference. motility is still excellent. i'm hoping it isn't an issue to be revised with a subsequent IUI unless that is T42.

i did finally get in touch with the acupuncturist (what's this spring vacation stuff?) and have an appointment thursday morning. another appointment to finesse at work. i think i'm definitely going to have to be in the office this weekend to pull off this week.

for now, i think i need to go change into comfy clothes, light up a stick of the uber-expensive incense i brought home from japan, and do my fertility yoga and meditate. i'm focusing on thoughts of doing the impossible, and having the clinic be floored with getting a pregnancy for someone who had an FSH of 31...

to doubt or not to doubt....

despite me fears that i had someone planned my first meeting with the swim-team a bit too early based on other signs and inability to closely read an OPK, i had a temperature bump this morning. so unless falling asleep with the heating pad on my belly last night for an extra 1/2 hour had anything to do with it, maybe i was on time after all. just barely.

so i got to meet Nurse L. yesterday, honorary aunt to many a pregnancy and darn proud of it. i teased her and asked if she had kept a record of her success on the first shot, because i wanted to make sure i was dealing with the best. and yes, again, my kicky stripped over the knee socks were a total hit. Nurse L. loved them, and wanted to know what i had for pants and shoes (jeans and my usual Danskos). i was promptly dubbed as "so cool". ha! i always knew those kids in high school were just clueless.

the numbers on the swim team were quite good. post wash motility was 65% -- Nurse L. said the office considers a 45% as excellent. we went over the dozen double-checks in place to make sure my sample was the one being used, and she gave me the empty vial from the bank. just a little something for the baby-book, yes?

so i'll go in again today, and somehow find a way to get through the next 13 days, i'm sure the chaos of work will help with passing the time.

oh hai there LH surge

could we pick two more hectic days to do this on??

first day testing at work and bam, looks darn positive to me (knew i should have just used one of the smiley faced ones). considering the sharp cramps i had yesterday, and the slowly creeping to more positive tests over the weekend, i really shouldn't be surprised.

waiting for dr.'s office to call me back. they want you to test between 7 am - 8:30 am (WTH?) so you call by 8:30 for prep and scheduling. fingers crossed this doesn't muck up the works.

oh, and in case you missed it, aaaaaaaack! <--- ::me trying not to flip out::

HSG

today was my HSG, and first encounter with the actual main hospital of W&I on the sprawling campus of medical central, RI. of course last night i was reading again about the HSG procedure. a coworker who knows i'm venturing down this road (they went through their own infertility battle and have adopted a little cutie from China) winced when i mentioned i was having this done. she recounted her doctor's blunder in clamping her cervix and detail about the excruciating pain. and of course last night i'm reading up on it on th Stirrup Queens blog and the comments were crazy ("i've birth twins vaginally, and i've never experience such torture as the HSG!" "i passed out from pain!"). okay, then, maybe it is bad.

well, the tech and doctor were super nice. The doctor was even squeezing me in right after round since they were overbooked with HSG appointments. so i changed into my johnny, told the tech don't worry about slipper socks, i have socks covered, and i will be known for them. when i walked out in my blue-striped over the knee socks she laughed, and said her daughter gets to wear crazy socks like that with her school uniform, and told me about a sock shop i have to check out (Details on Thayer Street (of course!)).

oh, and i did forget to take the recommended pain meds an hour before the procedure. i figured this could get hairy for the rest of the day because of this, and was hating my air-brain that was all flustered with getting out of the house on time this morning.

so i'm expecting miserable terrible cramping pain, but really, one little twinge with the insertion of the catheter. some mild (uber-mild) discomfort with the die, and i gracefully tried to tirn from side to side for a full range of photos. but nothing that ranks up there with "wost menstrual cramps ever" that they warn you about. maybe all those years of endo were preparing me for something.

the verdict? i have a lovely healthy uterus, and sparkling clear tubes. finally, something positive going in my direction!

and i'm at work, and feel nothing. oh, maybe a slight i must of eaten something i shouldn't have but it will settle down in a second type of twinge, but seriously. worst pain ever? well, i've always said my pain threshold is kind of skewed.

so here i am, full of hope and promise and positive thoughts that this all will work. and i've got the bonus of the next three cycles after the HSG being the most fertile. acupuncture and herbs are going great, and my skin is getting super soft, my energy levels feel great, and i'm able to breath away any stress or worry much easier. next acupuncture will be after the second day IUI this month. which, should be sometime the end of next week. i really need to call over and find out if they do weekend appointments if you get your LH surge. i'm thinking that with the connection to the hospital, they must.

next week, more peeing on a stick (and while at work, no less!) to check for that LH surge. with the lovely incubator i've been told i have, and that long sticky luteal phase, this just has to work, right? ::thinks thoughts of great big lovely eggs::

finally!

geez, 32 days? for me, varying more than a day is weird, so to be off by 5 days... i'm blaming the clomid, though in truth, i think it was more luteal phase that lengthened out to the max. this is a good and sticky sign.

message has been left with HSG scheduling. let the "omg" of fist cycle to try commence.