nothing to report

3 days of POAS for science and nadda. i'm sure the blood test on monday will confirm things. i've been doing a lot of thinking and worrying in this 2ww, mostly about the health of my body. i'm frustrated and anxious that the herbs and supplements and teas i had been on, i can't take. i worry that one i get my period and can start them up again, that short period before ovulation is not enough time to boost up these rusty ovaries. i feel helpless, like i'm not doing enough, or am not dedicated enough.

so at acupuncture this morning, i expressed this to my doctor, all in a voice and manner i could tell was one fraught with anxiety. i was really regretting not having my usual cup of tension tamer tea as i seem to be a bit more mellow with it.

i told the doctor i think i needed to slow down and take a break next cycle. i need to focus more on my body and getting it where it needs to be with all the herbs and supplements that i can't use if i'm possibly pregnant, or trying. as i was saying it, i felt the tension start leaving my body, and a wave of calm settle in its place. i didn't need to her agreement at that point, i finally figured out what i needed.

so yes, next cycle i'm going to step back and focus on getting the body in optimum egg-producing mode. i'm going to continue to battle the stress hormone and find the balance that i need.

and i'm going to do more yoga. i've meant to this week, but i've just been so stinking tired every night that by the time i walk in the door, all i want to do it brush my teeth and crawl into bed. usually i love the quiet and calm of yoga in the next of my bedroom, stretching in the glow of the fairy lights i strung up over the window on a whim. it's my moment to decompress, thank my body and wow, does it get me ready to sleep. but i've not needed that help lately!

so tonight i'm in bed later than i should be (was off work today and slept for three hours this afternoon -- oops!). am nearly finished with Inconceivable, by Julie Indichova. absolutely love it, from her easy style to her story of overcoming secondary infertility at 42. of course i discovered in reading it this afternoon that Julie came to much the same conclusion i just did this morning -- slow down, step back and take a deep breath. rushing and pushing and fighting so hard with all the worry is doing no good.

yes, 40 is sitting right there for me, looming on the two week horizon. but it is a number. just like that FSH of 31. what matters more to me is the living. there is a great quote in Inconceivable that rang true with me: "pay attention to your dreams, for they are your letters from God."

i cannot tell you the number of dreams i've had since i was an early teen of being pregnant. of being pregnant and knowing that i didn't have a partner involved. when i was a teen, needless to say those dreams scared the bejeebers out of me. by the time i was in my 20s and had already heard from my gyn that pregnancy may very well not be a possibility for me, they seemed like wishful thinking. they would hurt a bit, and in my usually fashion, i'd brush it of, building up a wall to that pain inside myself. in the last few years, those dreams were clearly a vocation for me, making me stop and wonder if i was choosing the right path to becoming a mother, and yet confirming in some sense that doing this on my own had always been in the cards.

i'm one of those people who puts a lot of power and strength into dreams and sorting through their meaning. the subconscious is a powerful and complicated beast, and it does have a heck of a lot of wisdom to impart, so i'll stop and listen to it's wacky ramblings to sort things out. it's work for me well in the past, and now, now it is a pull of hope. and that is something everyone on this journey needs.