1 week down, 1 to go

can't believe i'm actually in a 2ww! have to remind myself to get back into my meditations for this time, but in a way, i like not thinking about the wait. still, my dreams this past week have been full of portents and signs, or perhaps just incredible wishes.

no huge rise in my temps. just a steady above coverline, with maybe a slow climb. my uterus feel "full" and twitchy the past couple of days, and i have my usual luteal phase bloat going on. the salt and vinegar crisps are probably not helping with that, either. boobs may be getting sore, or i just poked them too hard this morning, always difficult to tell. tired, which seems to be par for the course, and focused and stressed at work right now so my neck and shoulders are overly tight and sore. to the point that i had to go in for an emergency massage last night. i may be going back to weekly massages for a while just to help with all the stress that seems to be floating about, and i am trying desperately to ignore.

i did have an amazing acupuncture session on monday with a different doctor covering for my usual doctor. the two partners had met over the weekend with my chart, so she was all up to speed on everything i had been doing, and had lots of questions to clarify things. she was completely amazed that after 21 years on BCP my period came back at all, never mind right into a regular cycle (my first 3 cycles after stopping were 33 days, 29 days, 28 days). she looked me in the eye and said, i believe you are super fertile.

this is why i'm listening more to alternative treatments rather than REs. not because it is hope that may be false, but rather that it is about belief, and balance, and listening to each individual body. the only reason i ended up with an RE is because i was single. but i was treated from the first second like i was "broken". and if i couldn't get pregnant in three tries with all their drugs, then i was very broken and all hope was gone. especially given i had a number attached to me: 40.

i refuse to believe i'm broken. for the first time ever in my life, i feel healthy and alive and full of potential. the only thing we got standing in my way is access to fresh sperm. i'm beginning to think that that alone should not be an RE issue.

i cannot make this sh*t up

clearly, the road of TTC on your own is just not the same without the moments of complete and utter insanity. this is why the universe continues to pull these practical jokes on me.

no OPK this morning. OPK from 15 minutes ago:

gee, i'm not sure about that test line on the left. is it really darker than the control line on the right?

look, this one is saying "HA, HA!! faked you out!"

i am just ... i don't know. we go from stark white test lines to a screaming positive like i've never had before and this *after* a temp spike.

whatever. the remaining swim team members will just have to stay chilly overnight (fingers crossed). i'm going to yoga and moxa it tonight, and then have another morning romance with the vials tomorrow.

oh, and i give up understanding my body.

oh you have GOT to be kidding me

waking up to a brilliant temp spike is NOT what i wanted. WTF?? why do OPKs hate me this month, barely showing even a hint of line? folks, i'm doing the fertility monitor POAS first thing in the morning, an OPK smuggled into the work bathroom between 10 am and noon, and another test at around 10 pm at night. i'm making myself wait at least 4 hours before any POAS. i'm limiting my fluid intake (when hello, i need to also be increasing it for CM) during those 4 hours. and nothing!

::headdesk::

considering how wonderful things looked last night, and not even being able to reach my cervix this morning, i decided forget getting the tank refilled. i was just going to have to be a bit late to work this morning because i had some important baby-making to do.

up in the air on whether to do round tonight or tomorrow morning. probably tonight. that better be a damn lively egg that got shoved out! hear me, egg? i want you alive beyond the usual time frame and waiting for the boys to get up there.

i swear, if i have to do this again next cycle, i'm just listening to my cervix and CM and those OPKs can get lost.

in the meantime, CAN WE PLEASE ALL CROSS FINGERS FOR ME?

(this freak-out has been brought to you by the letter O and the numbers 97.2 and 97.9)

closer and closer...

when you are used to getting a +OPK on day 10 or 11, hitting day 12 without even a faint test line gets mighty nerve wracking. so do a string of pre-ovulation worthy low temps. when your cervix and CM start getting in on the dance, the panic of omg, i'm going to miss my window! is bouncing around non-stop.

then i take a deep breath and remind myself that all this is good. longer follicular phase means strong, healthy eggs (and the ovaries are still doing a major dance). its also more "normal" and a sign of a healthy cycle. low temps mean lots of yin energy going on -- again, good for the eggies. and just because your creaky old body is suddenly producing lovely CM (not yet egg-white, but omg, we are so frickin close) is something to celebrate. things are looking up.

just stop panicking on the OPKs.

oh, and has anyone ever been able to use one of the view-thingies for checking your saliva for ferning? i swear, the light behind the lens blinds me and i can't see a bleeding thing.

of course, i now have to take the swim team down for another refill tomorrow. which means they are coming in to work with me. am so grateful for plain brown packaging... yes, there is a shot of their refill on monday at the welding supply place. me, and four male employees. when the tank came back from being refilled and all the men behind the counter were discussing was it a 5L or 7L refill, and it went snug back in its box, one of the gentlemen piped up and said, "i remember making a carrying box for Dr. So-And-So. What doctors office do you work for?"

never occurred to me they would think i was doing this for a doctors office, so of course nothing came to mind. i instead smiled and said, "oh no, this is for me personally."

"Oh, horses?"

(having grown up on a horse farm, i have no clue why i didn't just say yes. oh, no wait, i do -- it's a bit late in the season for breeding horses!) "Uh, no. Dogs."

yes, i totally wimped out on my chance to be all confident woman gets pregnant on her own. but seeing as i figured i might be back for a refill, it just was so much easier.

but i'm still hoping is the last refill. a weekend LH surge would be perfect. i have an acupuncture appointment on monday, and my doctor gave me some moxa to use after insemination. it would also be more relaxing, because even though my work load is pushing me to being in the office this weekend, i don't necessarily have to be. or at least not for the usual hours.

so again, still sitting here with fingers crossed, ovaries aching, and hoping for a clear LH surge that lasts longer than 3 hours so i can actually catch it!

i thought you said he was 6'2"!

well, this month's swim team has arrived safe and sound. i have to say, i'm not sure i could do this without the support and encouragement of my parents, who luckily have as warped a sense of humor as i do about the whole thing. "i though you said he was 6'2"!" was what my mom greeted me with when calling me on Friday morning to let me know that there was a frosty gathering of the swim team that arrived on her doorstep.

when i stopped by that night to pick up the swim team, dad carried out the box, and then bent down, pretending to shake a hand and say, "so you're going to knock up my daughter. so nice to meet you." wish i had gotten a picture of that!

in the meantime, the swim team is parked in my bedroom (not only did i think it appropriate, but it is also out of the reach of the cats, and the coolest spot in the house!) waiting for the OPK to do it's thing. i shipped way early from the looks of this cycle so far, but like i said, better safe than sorry, and i'd rather pay some rental fees for the tank than miss my chance.

tomorrow the swim team will get to take a drive with me to the welding supply and get a fresh dose of the frosties. mmmm, a frosty from Wendy's.... okay, i'm not dealing with the deprivation of cold food in the summertime that well, as you can see.

i have been woefully behind in my blog reading of late, and i'm not the best commenter, so mea culpa. in fact, i just noticed i got tagged on a couple of awards, so i promise to get to those this week! hope i can find enough folks who haven't been tagged yet to keep the ball -- or blog -- rolling.

so far so good, so far so good

i know, it's little early for a verdict on things this cycle, but i have to mention to someone that i think the soy isoflavones may be all they are cracked up to be: i take them, and within an hour, my ovaries are doing the mambo. even decrepit little righty is dancing up a storm right now. go, blood flow, go!

temps are staying low which is a big improvement over CD5 last cycle. starting tomorrow, i can start being afraid of tank wrangling.

how this jounrey changes you

i swear, i've never been an indecisive person. when faced with a choice, i knew what i wanted/needed/must be done, made the decision and moved merrily along, never second-guessing, or dithering over which way to go.

these days, i've turned into a dithering idiot. last cycle: call back, schedule shipment. call bank again, reschedule shipment for earlier. call bank day of shipment and cancel.

this cycle: call bank, schedule shipment. call bank day of shipment and reschedule to ship one day later but with overnight shipping for better charge life.

i swear, i am ready to strangle myself and my inability to make a proper, thought out decision and stick with it. never mind the fact i'm not concentrating or focusing at work and am always popping on to google to check out one more article on IF, and research another possible supplement. goddess help me when i get pregnant and baby-brain sets in. the TTC-brain is driving me up the wall already.

ack!

welcome to CD4. please keep your fingers crossed for an ovulatory cycle that has a follicular phase that lasts more than 6 days this time. and BTW, have switched off the DHEA (back acne is driving me bonkers, as is the increased hair shedding) and am trying the soy isoflavones (120 mg) for CD3-CD9. let's see if it is the pseudo clomid...

downtime and looking for local SMCs

nope, this cycle i really clearly ovulated on CD5. completely bizarre, and i keep panicking it is a sign of perimenopause, but then have to remind myself, no, there was ovulation, this is good. body is clearly producing much estrogen, this is good. i think it's a case of just letting things find their rhythm without the drugs in there.

i've been down for the count the past few days with some kind of stomach bug. on sunday as i lounged about, not wanting to move and poke the nausea, i did a lot of thinking about i could be looking at 3 months of this in the future. know how much fun nausea is without the aid of saltines? (thank you, gluten intolerance)

yesterday afternoon as i struggled to make it home from work and remain upright i contemplated the future fun in store for dealing with sick me and baby/sick-baby. yep, motivation to remain a cheerful and pleasant person and continue to make more friends so i can have someone to call on in those moments for a popsicle run...

~.~.~.~

we are trying to put together a local SMC group, especially for those trying to conceive. if you or anyone you know is in the southeastern New England area, please drop me a comment and we can email more about details and location. i've already met another *fabulous* local SMC tryer, and with the counselor, we really had the best time being able to speak with someone else who "gets it" and can understand the lingo and the obsession over fertility charts. i'd love to have some more ladies join us for some real time interaction, stress relief and encouragement.