pulling myself back together

this past week has been hard, to put it mildly. in a way i was lucky to have the distraction of classes started and being caught in the whirlwind of 5 hours a day of a summer accelerated organic chemistry lab and lecture to keep my mind occupied. but once i was at work in the afternoons and bored with the document monkey work (which takes about 0.35 seconds), i would spiral down into sudden tears, fits of rage, and searching the internet.

luckily for my sanity, firewall problems at work have meant nearly every site has not been blocked as of mid-week. instead i'm sending myself emails reminders at home for things to look up and investigate.

first order of business was making an appointment with the other RE clinic in town. i have a friend (also single) who has been seeing that doctor and has great things to say about the doctor and practice. I had a follow up with the mid-wife on CD3 for labs, and mentioned the potential of seeing the new Dr. W, and she also added her high recommendation, noting that she had worked with Dr. W and Dr. W was "in the trenches" as a normal OBGYN.

the RE clinic (which is huge, and actually headquartered in a neighboring state) called me back promptly Thursday morning after my Wednesday evening internet appointment request. they are sharp and on the ball, and not at all phased with working with a single woman. in fact that were well versed in the area, knew the issues with my health insurance (they refuse to cover fertility treatments if you are single) and it was explained to me how they would work with that limitation to be able to circumvent restrictions and keep my costs down as much as possible. So i have an appointment of 6/18. fingers are crossed.

i think i mentioned that after my one and only FSH test back in March of 2009, i had kept an eye on those level with the "at home" urine tests. they show positive for a number of 25 or higher. once i started acupuncture, the test line was becoming fainter and fainter, and a couple months ago, there was no second line at all. hurrah, or so it seemed, i had beaten the high FSH.

maybe it was just this past cycle, or maybe those tests are crap, because the CD3 bloodwork we did on this cycle came back with an FSH of 37. on top of it, my estrogen was low. basically, my pituitary is screaming like a drill sergeant and the ovaries are doing nothing. i'm back to remembering my original RE's question of whether i was missing part of an ovary.

certainly these numbers are looking like i'm missing an ovary, or part of one. we know the right one is pretty much kaput, but how can i be testing over the course of the cycle with estrogen dominance and yet on day 3 be completely deficient. add into my tendency to surge/ovulate early (CD11 surge is the norm for me) and all signs point to crappy, crappy eggs. i guess this will be a mystery for the new RE.

my plan at this point is to push for two aggressive medicated IUI cycles. I keep hearing good things about Femara and its ability to produce high quality eggs. if that doesn't work, i'll do one round of IVF -- possibly low-stim if i again am showing signs of being a "poor responder". i think that is probably the limit of what my body can handle as far as influx of meds. the step beyond that will be looking into frozen embryo donation.

i started a 3 week purification program today (from Standard Process this time). not too bad, but i definitely feel like crap today. i think there is going to be a lot of lounging around and hot baths to pull out the toxins this weekend.

for as much as this post is spilling out of me in a very business and cut and dry fashion, the anger and frustration is still there. i'm just having to shove it to the side to get on with the mission of making this need become a reality. it also hit me that if i am going to go through my doula certification, i need to build up some stronger emotional barriers. it's weird enough to be doing the readings and get defensive and hurt at the mention of the partner; seeing things play out in reality is going to be even harder.

yep. i've pulled up my big girl panties and i'm ready to fight for this once again. i can't keep bemoaning the card i've been dealt when all it does is pull me down.

no go

something happened this past cycle, but early Monday morning I began to spot. having one of the most violent periods ever.

am going to have to do some serious reconsidering of my approach on things, and reanalyze what i can get insurance to cover and what i can't.

i'm angry, frustrated, and mighty pissed off at the Universe right now. this is not the life i was going to grow up and have. some small piece of it has to come true.

14dpo

yesterday morning my temp dropped from the wednesday morning's wowza high. mind, it was still way above coverline and higher than it had been for the luteal phase. i was majorly crampy with a blazing headache all day. all i could think was i'm getting my period. but i never have cramps until i actually start bleeding.

i was an insane mess. which probably explains my appetite being completely off and litle waves of queasiness.

this morning my temp jumped back up again. there is no question i'm queasy and still mildly crampy. my head is in danger of being chopped off if it doesn't stop hurting.

there is a nasty little virus going around work, so i'm being realistic. but it is 14dpo. last cycle on the 200mg progesterone my period broke through in the evening. i'm only on 100mg this cycle, but, uh, that more effective form.

(and yes, the fact that my period broke through last time is why i am refusing to test this go around. well, at least not until Sunday, but you know even then i'll be terrified of that blazing white space next to the control line...)

nevertheless, fertilityfriend.com has bumped my early pregnancy signs to 46 points.

i think my brain will once again be missing from work today. wonder if i should call in sick and use up some of my vacation time....

not sign stalking. really. honest

my temp this morning (12dpo) like whoa. never been that high when charting except for the chemical pregnancy.

i can feel my uterus is all sorts of weird ways.

my pulses are seriously booming and a bit quicker.


BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE ANY OF THIS COULD MEAN ANYTHING. really. honest. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.....

*~*~*

in the realm of different news, i will be leaving my workplace of hell come September. it is official, and to be fair, workplace has been *very* generous and supportive in this change of careers at mid-life. i think they were wondering what they could do with me know that work has dried up. my summer on reduced hours and full benefits is smelling very much like a nice severance package, and they really are bending over backwards to help me transition.

classes and my reduced hours start Monday. having a date when i'm leaving this job (and knowing i need to find something else a bit more flexible and brain-easy come fall when i'm back in school full time) has made all the difference. knowing what my COBRA payments will be has lifted a weight off me, and i realize i can totally do this.

i'll refrain from going on and on about how ~*perfectly*~ timed (no, i'm serious!!!) would be right now.

let's just keep fingers crossed to have the last piece of the puzzle of my life to fall into place.

one week down....

since i know some of you are actually wondering what is up, i figured i better update. except, well, i really don't have anything for you. :) sure, there is some pressure and occasional twinges in the belly, but being hyper-sensitive at this point, and not knowing if that is an intestine or bowel twinge vs. a uterine twinge, not really helpful. low back ache? yup. but i've been out and about, playing in the garden, decluttering the house, sleeping funny, so again, inconclusive. no temp spike, no spotting, so ugh, its that final week of "omg, i have NO symptoms."

which, hello, for the majority of people in their 2ww that end up with a BFP is the norm. so forget it, i'm not playing the symptom spotting game.

no matter how strong and rapid my pulse is....

besides, it is probably the progesterone talking. which, thanks to the switch from the oral Prometirum to the ol', um, shall we say, "non-oral" form of progesterone, i am not gaining 10 pounds and having massive mood swings. people touting the no side-effects from the suppository vs oral form of progesterone are not kidding. i am much, much happier.

i do have to share my greatest amusement in calling the compounding pharmacy to check if my script was ready to be picked up, their "on hold" message promoting their "Rectal Rocket" was hilarious. they may have been touting how smooth and effective it was in providing immediate hemorrhoid relief, but i'm not sure i want something called a "rocket" anywhere near my tushie.


but, sadly, it has been confirmed i am simply a crazy old cat lady. i tried my darnedest with that little dog to make her happy and comfortable, but my goodness, was i stressing out. the fact that she had never actually been paper-trained was not helping, as was the fact that she had also had no obedience training, so expecting her to perform her evacuations while on a leash was beyond her, and if she was off leash, she wouldn't respond to coming back to you, which is really, really scary given where i live, and the number of coyotes running round. her medical condition was still dicey as well, so she had to be settled in with someone able to take her back and forth to the vet on a daily basis to check her infection status. have no fear, she will be loved and looked after. right now she is happy being able to be 'part of the pack' with her current foster situation, which is what i really wanted for her. and it was good to have the confirmation that yes, i find cats, so much more relaxing, even if they do bicker with each other.


i guess by this Friday we will know one way or another how this IUI worked out. ::bites nails::

craving the forbidden

oh, what i wouldn't give for a hot bath right now! but seeing as I had an IUI last night and today at noon, it is kind of verboten. still, i want to be surrounded by hot water right now! argh!

so yes, LH surge did show up the evening up CD10, nice and strong, which meant IUI yesterday evening on CD11, and one today at noon. everything went really well, and I clearly ovulated last night, so the IUIs fell nicely on each side of that. interesting note from Awesome Midwife -- today's noon IUI was the first time she had any kind of resistance with my cervix. with our one IUI per cycle timing previously, she only ever got to meet the "Hey sailor, new in town" hussy of a cervix that shows up during LH surge. after an ovulation, bam!, she closes down, telling any swimmers its too late.

well, too late if they are going to swim the whole length. when we cheat and put those guys right where they are supposed to be, seems like our timing might be even more spot on.

(and once again, her stories make her Awesome Midwife. an emergency breech VBAC delivery? she's a rockstar.)

on to crossed fingers and positive thoughts for the next couple of weeks...

oh, yeah, and tomorrow is my birthday. which is still not sinking into my head. is it because i have my fingers in my ears and am singing "LA LA LA LA LA" at the top of my lungs?

paging LH surge, paging LH!

who needs a scan to check follicle size? i can tell you right now i have a nice big and juicy follie blowing up my left ovary. it's pressing nicely against my bowel as a constant reminder that Tank had better show up on time tomorrow morning.

not that LH has been around to make the follie go pop. but at this point, i'm nervous that my waistband of my jeans or running tonight could shake that thing loose...

time to start stalking my OPKs....

confessions

i've finally admitted it to myself: mother's day falling on my birthday this year IS pissing me off. i didn't think i'd be still in the same place i was last year at this time. ::sigh:: chin up, deep breath, focus on the positive that is CD7 and the growth of a nice fat and healthy follie.

my acupuncturist said something odd to my last week as i was leaving treatment. "i'm really proud of you." i looked at her, confused and asked what she meant. "the whole way you are handling this negative."

i don't know if it is some much handling it as much as it is just being numb. i had that sense from the day after the IUI that things didn't happen. my hopes really didn't get high. as much as i tried to do positive visualization, i knew on some level it was pointless, it wasn't going to be this cycle as much as i wanted it. good news, things falling into place with work and career changes, a huge full double rainbow greeting me one evening during the 2ww... they weren't the signs a portents for this cycle.

yet still, i don't think it is something to be proud off. i feel like i cut myself off emotionally from this whole thing just because i knew i'd be facing a negative test. and somehow i don't think shutting everything down emotionally is necessarily a good thing.

~.~.~.~

but on to bigger and better cycles. Tank will be arriving this Friday for our hot date sometime this weekend. actually, we're going to go for two hot dates. Amazing Midwife thinks a double IUI this time just to counteract any potential bad timing sounds like a fair deal, and seeing as i've purchased those vials already, it's not hurting my wallet much more.

and goddess help me, but i'm about to be a dog owner. me, a confirmed crazy cat lady. my mom is the original Dr. Dolittle and has a foster toy poodle she's been nursing back into health. little white thing, who as it turns out, is one heck of a fire-cracker personality. but what has made me crazy over her is that she is very much a cat trapped in a dog's body. seriously. she's all about snuggling up with you, playing with cat-nip toys, and napping all day. being yippy and yapping at things? not her game. in fact she barely has a bark -- just this itty bitty squeak i've heard once. oh, and yes, she *loves* cats. fascinated with them. wants to give them kisses and curl up to sleep with them. clearly, this is not a canine.

so this little mini-diva is at the point of needing to be settled in somewhere, but mom has been worried about finding the right home for her and dropping hints my way the size of anvils. seeing as i feel much the same as she does (this is a very special dog who has been through a lot, and needs an awesome companion), i gave into the pressure. mom is thrilled and wants her to be settled in with me before Tank arrives since it is proven dogs do good things for your hormones. i chuckled at that one, not asking her for research. at this point, i'll go with every goofy suggestion.