Houston, we have a problem

my head is sore from banging it on my desk.

yesterday morning, i had a mild heart attack as my BBT jumped from a 97.6 to 98.2 -- nicely over my coverline. except that we were on CD6. i nervously figured maybe my allergies were bothering me, or i was sick. still, in talking to the bank yesterday with the when to ship question, i asked the all important, what happens if i have an anovulatory cycle? they said shipping back was not problem, so i felt better.

until this morning when my BBT registered at 98.4.

for those who like to play along at home, let's look at this cycles temps so far:

97.7 / 97.8 / 97.3 (nice, looking good here) / 97.3 / 97.6 / 98.2 / 98.4

it doesn't look like an anovulatory cycle with the ping-pong ball bouncing all the hell over the place. instead it looks like a nice strong ovulation. a week early.

WTF?

i should probably add to the discussion that this past menstruation was the most pathetic excuse for a period ever. TMI warning: 2 days light brown spotting. again with the WTF. i had a chemical pregnancy. shouldn't i at least get a decent flow? never mind the fact i haven't had a red, strong period since beginning this craziness back in March.

(and yes, before you ask, i did another HPT this morning just in case and because i'm on all these not-while-preggers supplements. BFN, so it's not that.)

i'm blaming clomid. it's the only thing i can figure out. i went from lovely normal, regular cycles to pathetic, limp ones. i know it can completely dry you out and thin the uterine lining, so that has to be what happened. my previous "break" month back in May was a bit scattered and not that great. besides, i get to blame the clomid for the raging back acne which is only now finally starting to subside.

which means, i think i'm calling the bank again in a couple hours and telling them that we are having to scrub this month. i had been thinking i should give my body a month break after the clomid to get a "normal" cycle back under its feet. i think my temps are just confirming what was in the back of my head, and i need to slow down with the omg it's now or never! i must get pregnant! rush.

but if anyone has some insight or theories or can reassure me things can get back to normal and that the 4 cycles of clomid didn't blow out the last remaining eggs i had, i would really love some feedback.

i keep grasping at the small positives: my skin is amazing right now (hasn't been like this since i was a teen -- yeah i had gorgeous skin as a teenager), my hair and nails are growing like weeds, my body feel wonderful, and my boobs are up another cup size. i'm not sure if the last one is a positive or not, since i'm kind of at a loss with what to do with them, but i figure its a sign that somewhere, some hormone is happy and making my body at least look all fertile.

in the meantime, focusing on my yoga breathing and doing a heck of a lot of forward bends today to combat the stress of this all.

dear body,

please don't surge before next wednesday, m'kay? this could all turn into a small disaster if you do.

ETA: ah, never mind. just called the bank again (who, me, paranoid?) and changed the shipping. body, do whatever the heack you want, when you want. the swim team will be here on saturday.

~~~~

by the by, it's just now sinking into my head that i was pregnant last month. or sorta pregnant. just for a whisper and a second. but i was.

wow.

BFN

went ahead and tested this morning since my boobs are driving my insane. negative.

and yet:
boobs still crazy kill-me-now sore.
still insanely tired.
period is missing - this is luteal day 18. (CD30)
no sense that AF is is approaching. nothing. nada. not a cramp or twinge in the tummy when i eat.
my house smells like i have been cooking rice (i haven't), so phantom smells are p and running.
C-R-A-Z-Y dreams last night, but then, when do i not have crazy dreams. still, can remember tons of details on these.
i still feel like i need to eat a giant bag of salt & vinegar crisps a day.
temp this morning was 98.2 again.
massage therapist tonight commented by hips were really warm, which is different for me.

i'm chalking this up to being pregnant for a nanosecond, and that sometime tomorrow, AF will arrive. of course, i said that to myself last night, but whatever. i finally obtained my copy of The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth (hey, it's a straight girl doin' it on her own best guide, too!). also think i located a tank refill location. geared up and ready for a do it yourself special next cycle.

of course when that will be, who the heck knows!

waiting for Aunt Flow...

welcome to CD29, luteal phase day 17. no headache. no cramps. but, no appetite since yesterday afternoon, so something is looming. and has an hour to get here before pushing into luteal phase day 18 area.

i don't want to test because i know i'm not. besides, i did test last Thursday (11dpo -- yes, it was a sensitive test) and nada. i started back on all my "not while pregnant" supplements. i did skip them today figuring that would help AF show up.

i'm dead exhausted these day. i can be awake for about 4 hours and then require a nap that turns into 2 hours of hard sleep. my entire weekend was spent in that 4 hour/2 hour cycle. but this is a sign of nothing other than a) it's summer (my body hates summer and tries to hibernate), and b) my allergies (hello uber-wet weather!) are trying to kill me.

my nipples are sore. i've never had sore nipples. i've had sore boobs (they're kinda tender now), but nipples have never been raging angry omg-you-touched-me-i-give-you-pain-back! sore. i must have a good progesterone level this month. it. is. not. a. sign.

it does not matter i spent money on another month of supplements, and supplies for at home insemination. or called and compared numbers with the bank. or scheduled LASIK surgery for next month which can not be done if pregnant. i can wave all the red flags i want at fate, but i have to keep my feet on the ground and remind myself it did not happen this month.

i think my cervix just gave me a ping. AF must be getting close.

feeling good with my decision.

so after my moody monday and feeling all out o sorts with this round, i've taken a deep breath and said "c'est la vie" and decided no use continuing to freak out. i still kept coming back to the home insemination idea even though i know based on everything the RE has told me, it doesn't make sense. except it still keeps knocking around in my brain. i got to the point where i actually called my mom to try and bounce some o this off her. she wants me to pursue IVF, but i had to explain to her that the doctor says that isn't an option due to my low response. i explained about the injectables cycle and the cost not just of the meds, but also the ultrasounds. being her usual over-generous self, she offered to write me a check for which ever course i decided to pursue.

by tuesday morning, i pretty much woke up with the decision in my head to try the home insemination for a few months while focusing on acupuncture. after all, it can't hurt, right? i relistened to the Choice Moms podcast on the subject, just to make sure i had my numbers right on sperm viability (yes, 12 to 24 hours for frozen sperm with vaginal inseminations; 6-8 hours for frozen then washed IUI). needles to say my acupuncturist is over the moon with my decision.

she was also rather pleased to hear that yes, for the first time with certainty, i have achieved easily identifiable fertile CM. the things you get excited about in this process, right? i told her of the timing disaster and the lack of any clear LH surge. i decided that it was the FertiliTea i started drinking this cycle -- i think vitex/chasteberry is just *not* for me. especially once i did more reading and confirmed that yes indeedy, it lowers FSH *and* LH be reducing estrogen. this would explain my skin deciding to break out again the past couple of weeks. baby, i need the estrogen, and the FSH/LH around to do their job.

oh, and on this second IUI this cycle, i did have some spotting. dr. G, the acupuncturist seemed pleased with that until i explained to her that it is normal, and the nurse i had was not the best. but, most interesting of monday was that when i woke up, cervix was waaaaay up high. by afternoon, it had dropped significantly. i don't know if this is a sign of okay timing after all, or my "hey, sailor, new in town?" cervix not liking the less than graceful approach of the nurse that day.

still lacking is a clear temp spike. we had that awesome dip to a temp lower than any prior temp ever on sunday. but no jump above coverline on monday. in fact today (thursday) is the first day for me above coverline. sure, i's just gone up since sunday, but i still say something funky happened with ovulation or lack there of. i'll just have to see how the rest of my temps pan out this cycle.

but i've pretty much decided i'm not in a 2ww at this point. and i m going to blow off my bloodwork for progesterone and the beta as well. why pay $200 for a screwed up cycle? heck, why pay $200 for *any* cycle. after all a) i know i don't have progesterone issues, so i don't care about that test, and b) you'll know in two weeks whether you are pregnant or not. after reading horror stories about some "beta dances" with the obsessive tracking of the number, i don't really care to join in. if at some point i do get pregnant and the beta drops, then i'd rather miscarry that way naturally rather than having to go in for blood draws and worrying what the numbers are.

it's so strange. i'm usually such a good patient, and the first to jump on board with a doctor's suggestions. but for this i'm being all touch-feely airy-fairy. maybe it's my attempt to make this as close to "natural" and "normal", despite the fact i'm going it alone. i wouldn't be going through all of this if i had a partner unless it was past the 1 year of trying with no luck point. why add in one more level of stress in something that is doubly stressful already for single women.

so there we are. and i feel really, really good with my decisions.

(and yes, i know, if by some funky miracle of crazy miracles i end up pregnant on this screwed-up cycle, it would be so cool. it's a fun thought, but i'm not making any wishes about it.)

oh, and...

i got an email from the counselor i was required by the clinic to see back in March. she was checking in to see how i was doing and if i was interested in a support group. i'll give a big "hell, yes" to that.

how to flush money down the toilet

or up your who-hah, in this case. completely jumped the gun on the LH surge. with no temp spike this morning, and a now getting darker OPK test strip, i frantically called the clinic and asked to speak to a nurse regarding today's IUI to see if we could wait for my temp surge. i got no call back. after a half hour, i called the IVF lab to let them know and ask them to hold off prepping the sample.

literally 5 minutes too late. ::insert fouls language here accompanied by massive crying jag::

as i was curled up sobbing on my bed, ranting at the unfairness of the universe, i was really reminded about what sucks doing this on your own -- there is now one there to hold you as you lose it. there is no phone call you can make to someone who really totally gets it. it just completely and totally sucks. and makes you cry all the harder and rant at the universe for additional reasons.

so i went in for the hopeless IUI part deux. the nurse gave me a coupon for a free 300 pen of Folistim that i can use with the Bravelle protocol for the next cycle. that is, if i decide to jump right into medicated.

i came home and curled up with my laptop and a box of Kleenex and started comparing length of viability on ICI vs. IUI prepped post-thaw samples. the 4 hour window my IVF lab is giving me for their IUI prep makes me find it pretty flipping impossible that anyone can time an IUI correctly and have it be successful. i know i heard that the ICI samples do better - maybe even up to 24 hours. so once again, i got to thinking.

maybe i'll wait a few cycles before jumping into the injectables. yes, my ovaries suck and have hardly any eggs. but clearly, for the 18 months i've been off the pill, i am ovulating. my cycles are like clockwork, complete with night sweats during my leautal phase (which is quite long, thanks) which to me says oh, hai thare progesterone. gee, you're produced by a corpus luteum, right? you only get those when you actually ovulate.

so what if for the next few cycles i stick with the acupuncture and decide to do this on my own at home. what the hell -- the sperm alone is expensive, but not nearly as expensive as adding in another $1K for the office IUI, plus the cost of the blood work, and then the cost of the injectables. i know my donor has ICI samples, but i may also go back and check my other contenders against the donor sibling registry just out of curiosity. or, i wonder if the bank would tell me who out of choices had the best numbers.

it may be crazy, but something keeps pulling me back to this idea. i know after everything the doctor said, it shouldn't be an option, but why do i keep thinking it is? (oh, i know, because what i really need is fresh not frozen, and things would probably work!)

as always, feedback and thoughts on this are welcome.

because i am an idiot

i can't tell if i had my LH surge last night. did a test, left it in the bathroom, and freaking forgot about it until 3 hours later. looked like there had been a dark line. this morning's test? almost nothing for a line. tests previous to last night had all been light as well, so it isn't like i was coming down from the false positive of lingering clomid.

the part that i am really freaking kicking myself about is that i could have done another test last night when i remembered 3 hours later since i PIAC, rather than POAS. but no, i figured line wasn't dark enough and cleaned everything up.

so i'm looking at past charts, trying to read other signs and figure out was the surge last night, or would i be jumping the gun if i call this morning for an IUI. my temp did a big time dip this morning (pre ovulation sign). cervix is uber high and almost out of reach for the past few days (pre ovulation sign). CM is impossible to read as ever, so no help there. last month on clomid, ovulation was on CD13 (today is CD12 ...hmmm). my little electronic charting calendar is predicting ovulation on tuesday, but i try not to go by that one (it has been right in the past though. argh!).

i don't want to screw up this cycle, but then again if i do, maybe i'm meant to miss it. i have 5 minutes to decide what i'm doing...