no gift under my tree this year

i'm still busy processing much of last week/this past weekend while quietly throwing a temper tantrum about the suckage that is my job.

my nice high temps plummeted last Friday. AF arrived earlier than I expected on Saturday. by Sunday I was bleeding more than I ever had, complete with clots. early miscarriage? yeah, all signs point to it.

i'm back to feeling like I'm stuck with a broken body. estrogen dominance is now wrecking havoc on my luteal phase and causing implantation issues. the huge fear of running out of time is looming over me.

and once again the acupuncturist brought up the "elephant in the room": another surgery for the endometriosis.

it's been 12 or 13 years since my last lap. i'm pretty much asymptomatic except for the fact i can feel every centimeter of my large bowel (painfully so) and my estrogen remains through the roof.

I'm benched for this cycle as we try and balance things out and await the complete hormone panel. and though i don't want more downtime, i know that my acupuncturist is right about the surgery. so much so, i'm going to call my gyn right now for an appointment to talk to him about it, and see if he would be willing to go in for a third time.

i had so wanted to be able to tell my parents they would be grandparents for a gift this holiday. sometimes i think wanting something so much just seems to make it impossible.

2ww

honestly, this work thing has got to stop being so demanding of my time. don't they realize i have a life on-line that needs tending to?

this 2ww may very well be the one that does me in. i somehow managed to avoid the obsessive over analyzing of every twitch and nudge my body experienced on prior 2ww, but not this time around. oy! i'm driving myself batty. crampy and tugging 7 dpo? check. constant creamy cm? check. implantation temp dip 8dpo? check. nice temp spike 9dpo? check. someone stop me, please!

i think the reason for all this obsessing this time around is simply because things were lining up so perfectly with this last IUI. my LH surge will still strong in the morning when i called the midwife. i then called my mom and asked her if she wanted to be here for the IUI. and the upon meeting the midwife, i was just wow. one of those moments when you had a flash that this is someone who had mean a midwife for many lifetimes. there is just something about her style and personality that if it could be pictured or described, it would be in the dictionary next to "midwife". i was immediately at ease and comfortable. i also loved that she brought her pre-teen daughter as a helper.

the procedure itself was beyond easy and quick -- the easiest of all by far. she confirmed that my cervix and cm was just as i had reported. and that my os was very open. so open that she insisted i stay curled up on the bed for a while and nap lest the swim team loose their sense of direction and head the wrong way.

i had been thinking in the morning how timing wise, this was actually quite lovely. conception as we head into winter, and the darkness of the year, my favorite time. birth as fall, second favorite season is approaching. as i looked out on the steely gray skies, i said, "oh, if only it would snow, then i would know all was perfect." and it did smell like snow, but none of the forecasters were saying it would happen.

it was the cherry on the sundae that was missing for the day. until my mom called that evening and and told me to look out into the dark. snow! so not that i'm now putting too much weight and promise on the day, but seriously, whatever little spirit is out there waiting to nestle in and become my child has quite the temptation. their grandmother there for the IUI, my joy and bliss, and all the signs lined up.

so that is where we are right now. i was inexplicably exhausted yesterday, but honestly, this time of year with the hours at work, it really isn't that unusual. i'm excited to see my acupuncturist tomorrow as always to see what she might say about my chart and pulse.

and yet at the same time, i'm trying to remind myself that i could simply be lining myself up for a very big disappointment.

::deep breath::

things will happen as they must and in their time.

eep!

how cool is this from the usual IF merry-go-round: just called the mid-wife, and she will come to my house this afternoon at 3 to do the IUI.

i get to sip tea, relax, decorate the house (okay, do some office work, too), have my music playing, maybe do some yoga and be happy in my own "nest" while reaching out to my child that is waiting.

as a single woman trying to conceive on her her own, this is the closest to "the traditional way" you're going to get.

missing in action

sorry, folks, welcome to the crazy time of year. work life has shifted from the 60 hours a week schedule to 80 hours-eat your entire life schedule. i don't have time for much beyond work, commute, sleep, shower. lather, rinse, repeat.

that said, in the midst of this uber-high stress atmosphere, we are on CD11 and trying to do one really well timed IUI with the midwife this time around. that is, if my LH surge would behave and show up. my poor CBE fertility monitor has been completely bamboozled by the happy shift in my hormones (hello, estrogen!) brought on by the massive amounts of red clover infusions i've been consuming. the darned thing is just reading "high" fertility all the time. my 10 pm OPK tests have been annoyingly stark white, even with my 10 am OPKs starting to show a hint of a line.

add to that that my my temp jumped this morning, and i was convinced that i somehow missed ovulation. at which point i reminded myself that hello, my cervix was not high until today, and the EWCM is still scant. though, there *is* EWCM already -- even when my cervix was low and firm. lovely stuff. this i completely credit the massive amounts of oat top infusions and FertileCM i've been ingesting. :)

today's 10am OPK is darker than yesterday's, and yesterday's was darker than Wednesdays, and Tuesday's was stark white. i think it is coming, just slowly. and maybe i'm drinking too much water between my 6 pm pee and 10 pm test. but darn, i'm thirsty! and there are herb infusions to consume!

keep your fingers crossed that tomorrow or Sunday's mid-day OPK is a super strong positive i've come to expect.

in the meantime, i've got to do some yoga tonight to calm myself down.

and stop checking my top desk-drawer where my 10am test is stashed to see if it is suddenly darkening to a strong surge