road signs?

part of my pushing for natural cycles right now has been my treatment at the RE clinic, and feeling like nothing but a cog in their wheel. my infertility should be simply situational, but they see things in numbers, so that "40" stamped across my forehead means i'm in the hopeless range.

of course i'd searched for other fertility clinics, but being a smaller state, nothing came up but the one clinic i was going to, linked to notorious hospital, part of huge massive soul-eating medical group. there wouldn't be other options, unless i opted to travel out of state, which i was kind of toying with. i know the RE i've seen is excellent, and very much a realist, but she feels very much to be lacking a soul. the whole place does. this is a painful and frustrating journey -- you'd expect those in it day to day to have compassion and humanity. it must just get dragged out of them with all they see...

giving my musings this week about how i want a road sign telling me which way to go, tonight's experience has me going hmmm.... there was a huge new billboard up on the highway, saying something along the lines of "need help having a baby? bear left" with a big arrow. it was pointing towards huge massive soul-eating medical groups shiny hospitals and my clinic, so i figured it was their ad. but it wasn't their signature colors, so i searched for a name.

oh, hello huge fertility specialist from neighboring state. i had no idea you now had a office around the corner from my REs group. i'm up on their website now and fining it a wealth of information, unlike my clinic which is simply, read our name! we are linked with hospital! this is all you need to know!

looking for some metaphorical road sign and i find a literal one. i may have a back-up plan for my back-up plan.

planning, planning, planning

well, this cycle off is beginning to draw to a close, and i'm trying to decide if i'm taking next cycle off as well, or if i'm ready to jump back on the wagon.

emotionally, i am more than anxious to be back in the game. dreams, thoughts and desires for this to finally work are haunting me. i'm selfishly cranky and annoyed when i hear of someone else's good fortune of a BFP (most especially when when i feel that individual is clueless and a walking train-wreck and gets a BFP on the first try -- wtf?). basically i'm exhibiting all the healthy signs of a tryer.

physically, this cycle was not as picture perfect on paper as i wanted. despite having a nice long follicular phase, another long and strong LH surge, and feeling a lot of activity on my ovary, that magnificent temp spike i usually get was missing. a spike of any sort was missing. the only thing i can speculate about is that my bum right ovary somehow interfered with the development of a nice corpus lutem (endo scar tissue interference?). that is, if i was even able to ovulate on that side, and the follicle wasn't trapped under the endo scared portion of the ovary. i know i develop follicles on that side, despite the fact the ovary is only half the size of the left. but the scaring is a huge issue.

so part of me is thinking maybe i should take off another month and see what another "natural" cycle looks like. my bank account wouldn't mind a break either to recover and save up for more frozen pop. but, i did hear back from a midwife who very much wants to work with me, so that too makes me all the more anxious to jump back into the game.

of course i'm also trying to figure out the long-term game plan at the same time. how many more natural IUIs with the midwife do i give myself? two? three? at what point would it be wise to just suck it up and head back to the RE factory and dive into debt with meds, scans and push my body to the limit? it's tough because i've followed a lot of journeys these past few months of medicated cycles that have resulted in BFPs. i wish there was some way to know what was the right way for my body. some kind of road sign in flashing neon that says "success this way."

life is never that easy.

this is also the first day in over a week that's i've actually felt human. i've been down with the flu this last week (another reason to stay on the bench next cycle?). rather humiliating given all my healthy living, eating and supplements, but i suppose sometimes there is no escaping a determined virus.

i suppose i'll suss it all out this week as i talk to the acupuncturist, and finally call the midwife back -- now that my voice has returned.

IT'S GIVE-AWAY TIME!

okay, okay, i'm out of the habit of blogging when work goes cuckoo on me and i decide to take a cycle or two off of trying. but, even though i'm benched for the next few week, it does not mean i'm pouring back the vino and ignoring my old body.

nope, still doing my supplements, and today, i'm going to share with you one of my favorites i've found along this wacky journey: FertileCM.

yup, i'd seen all the stuff all over the blogosphere on FertilAid and FertileCM, but didn't pay too much attention because i figured, oh, i'm doing fine with my supplements. as i head into clomid cycles. with a 40 year old body.

and i wondered why i was having problems charting my CM as directed. i mean, where was this elusive stuff? i knew clomid was drying and all, but really?

then on my third round of clomid, i gave in and ordered some FerileCM, since the old "drink lots of pineapple juice and take evening primrose oil" had done nothing for me. it arrived on CD6, i started taking it, and in less than a week -- while taking clomid -- i had a light bulb moment. THAT was CM! and pretty soon it became omg, EWCM!

love this stuff -- it can wake up even a 40 year cervix and teach it how to do its job.

so, if you would like to try some, just leave comment to this post by October 30. i'll be doing a random drawing from all comments on Saturday, October 31st - how's that for a trick or treat? trust me, it's a treat. ;)

in the meantime, if you want to check out Fairhaven Health and their other products (i'll be posting reviews and giveaways on them in the next couple of weeks), i have a special coupon code for you. just enter "GREATDEAL" at checkout and get 10% off your entire order before December 31.

getting back in the swing of things

whew! didn't mean to vanish like that, but once it was clear i was going to have to take this cycle as a break, i really seemed to have taken a break! of course coming back to news of so many many pregnancies in these parts is amazing! i'm doing the climbing beta dance for you all!

and yes, a break. that CD1 showed up a bit sooner than i expected last go around. what happened to my long luteal phase? but as i looked at the calendar and counted out when my surge would be falling, it was going to be smack in the middle of me being out of town. the acupuncturist of course loved this news. "you're body is awfully smart -- it needs to take a break." so break it is as we shuffle up my natural protocol here.

dropped - the soy isoflavones

added - red clover infusion daily, milky oats and nettle infusion daily, Shatavari daily, Ashwagandha daily, kefir daily

holding the course - TCM herbs for all four phases, FertilAid, FertileCM, evening primrose oil, omega 3-6-9, baby aspirin, maca root, vitamin D, iron, B supplement, CoQ10, wheat grass.

i have to say, i've felt the difference. my uterine and ovarian area has felt much more active, and i had an amazingly long follicular phase for me -- ovulated on CD15! normally i'm CD11 or 12. and yes, this later ovulation date means that i was back home for it, but hey, a break is a break. i mean i even drank wine while out of town, got crummy sleep, didn't check my cervix or CM religiously. (and yet when checking my CP, at CD10, it was higher than ever before - the os completely out of reach, and the little bit i could reach was super soft. i think changes are definitely afoot!)

so that's the state of things on the TTC front.

~.~.~.~

now, for a story, and please, don't let me be *that* pregnant woman.

at the market tonight, i was in my parked car, finishing up a phone call when the person in the car beside me returned with her cart, and pushed it right next to my door to load her groceries, blocking me from getting out. no problem, i was still on the phone and in no hurry. but then i notice she pulls the cart away and very deliberately parks it right behind my car so it is touching my trunk (i'd pulled nose first into the space, so this was in the traffic area), and out of sight in my rear view mirror.

surprised, i got out of my car and looked at here. "oh, were you leaving?" she asked, clearly surprised she got caught.

"no. but why would you put the cart there, when the cart return is two steps away?" okay,maybe four steps away -- it was may car, her car, 1 other car and then cart return. hellllooooo!

she gives me this look like i'm obviously from another universe. "because i'm pregnant and leaving." hey, i don't judge bump sizes, but hers was small, and i'm thinking if this chick needs to be on bed rest and avoid walking, what in he heck is she doing out at the market to begin with.

i blink and look at her. in the time it took for her to carefully arrange the cart behind my car, she could have pushed it into the return. i'm not impressed. "congratulations. the cart return is still right there."

now she gets upset. "i don't need attitude."

"i noticed. the one you have is rather appalling." (yeah, i'm that snarky bitch who always has a good comeback.)

so yes, i was bitchy to a pregnant woman. but oh my god, if i ever try to pull that sh*t when pregnant, someone please come smack me! seriously, 1 car away. 1 car!

~.~.~.~

and yes, i have giveaways to do! i hope in the scramble of catching up at work to get one posted. keep your eyes out!