nothing much going on

Figured I should at least update to say that I'm really not approaching this time as a 2ww. Which is why I didn't really want to post, because after how many times now, another BFN at the end of it -- or another nanosecond chemical pregnancy -- is just ... aggravating? Depressing? So I'm doing fine just going about my business as normal and not thinking about things. And honestly class-work and a flurry of exams have really helped with this.

Though I should mention that the day of IUI#7 (a Saturday) did not exactly go as smoothly as I had planned. Got to the hospital campus on time, parked in my sneaky little spot no one ever thinks to park in, and wandered over to the complex where the urologists office is located. And couldn't get in the building. Side doors locked and the automatic main entry refusing to open. Hello panic. Luckily I had the number of the office on my cell and was able to call, and left a frantic message for the lab saying, I'm here, it's 9:00am, you thawed my swimmers at 8:30 am, and I need to be inseminated STAT! I wondered if I should run over to the other bock and wind my way through the maze of buildings to get to one of the connector bridges that should let me in to the office complex. Luckily, the lab called me back right away and suggested I just force my way in the automatic door. "We don't know why, but security tends to turn them off on weekends, even though all the offices are open." o_0 So I got all muscly, and managed to crack open the auto door enough to squeeze through and raced up to the office.

Of course once up there, a rather snotty receptionist on duty handed me a stack of new patient forms to fill out. I looked at her and then back at the forms and informed her that I had already filled these out as part of the package from the RE's office I dropped off a couple weeks ago. And hi, not really a new patient. I'm just here to get knocked up. She curtly told me to fill out the forms.

Needless to say, I filled them out, blowing through most everything and not even caring about medication allergies since I wouldn't be getting any medications from them. I handed them back to SnotFace and she told me to have a seat and wait in the empty waiting room. At this point I informed her it was 9:15 am, the lab had thawed my sample at 8:30 am, and did she realize that sample had at best an hour lifespan after such thawing. SnotFace had the gall to try and give me attitude back, saying she needed to prepare a proper office file for me since no one had done it for her, and paperwork was required. I cut her off, emphasizing once again that hello, I ALREADY GAVE YOU THAT, and I'm only here to be for an insemination, so what the heck did they need to know about the history of my peeing?

At this point, a very cheerful face appeared behind SnotFace and slapped down a file folder with my name on it, and all my previously turned in paperwork, pointing out to SnotFace that I was right, I had handed everything in, and someone did prepare the office file as needed which SnotFace would have seen opened her eyes and looked in the proper place. Cheerful person then sang out that I was ready and please walk around to meet her in the hall.

As she guided me to room #7, she introduced herself as "J___, the nice one in the office." J. is a kick-ass RN, has struggled with infertility herself, and boy, did we have a great time talking about trying to get pregnant, office politics, and nursing school. Made that whole waiting with my legs up in the air just fly by. She honestly was insanely nice and such a delight. Helped to turn around my starting to stress over the whole situation.

But that is really the only thing of note since last checking in. Like I said, not even letting myself hold out any hope for this time around, and instead am seriously pursuing frozen-embryo adoption. After checking out several sites and clinics suggested by others, I am really sucked in my Miracles Waiting and the hope of an open donation. I love the idea of that connection and building a rather unconventional yet joyful extended family. As soon as finals for one of my classes settles down this week, I'll be getting my profile posted up there. That's where you can keep those lucky thoughts and crossed fingers focused! :)

14dpo

yesterday morning my temp dropped from the wednesday morning's wowza high. mind, it was still way above coverline and higher than it had been for the luteal phase. i was majorly crampy with a blazing headache all day. all i could think was i'm getting my period. but i never have cramps until i actually start bleeding.

i was an insane mess. which probably explains my appetite being completely off and litle waves of queasiness.

this morning my temp jumped back up again. there is no question i'm queasy and still mildly crampy. my head is in danger of being chopped off if it doesn't stop hurting.

there is a nasty little virus going around work, so i'm being realistic. but it is 14dpo. last cycle on the 200mg progesterone my period broke through in the evening. i'm only on 100mg this cycle, but, uh, that more effective form.

(and yes, the fact that my period broke through last time is why i am refusing to test this go around. well, at least not until Sunday, but you know even then i'll be terrified of that blazing white space next to the control line...)

nevertheless, fertilityfriend.com has bumped my early pregnancy signs to 46 points.

i think my brain will once again be missing from work today. wonder if i should call in sick and use up some of my vacation time....

not sign stalking. really. honest

my temp this morning (12dpo) like whoa. never been that high when charting except for the chemical pregnancy.

i can feel my uterus is all sorts of weird ways.

my pulses are seriously booming and a bit quicker.


BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE ANY OF THIS COULD MEAN ANYTHING. really. honest. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.....

*~*~*

in the realm of different news, i will be leaving my workplace of hell come September. it is official, and to be fair, workplace has been *very* generous and supportive in this change of careers at mid-life. i think they were wondering what they could do with me know that work has dried up. my summer on reduced hours and full benefits is smelling very much like a nice severance package, and they really are bending over backwards to help me transition.

classes and my reduced hours start Monday. having a date when i'm leaving this job (and knowing i need to find something else a bit more flexible and brain-easy come fall when i'm back in school full time) has made all the difference. knowing what my COBRA payments will be has lifted a weight off me, and i realize i can totally do this.

i'll refrain from going on and on about how ~*perfectly*~ timed (no, i'm serious!!!) would be right now.

let's just keep fingers crossed to have the last piece of the puzzle of my life to fall into place.

one week down....

since i know some of you are actually wondering what is up, i figured i better update. except, well, i really don't have anything for you. :) sure, there is some pressure and occasional twinges in the belly, but being hyper-sensitive at this point, and not knowing if that is an intestine or bowel twinge vs. a uterine twinge, not really helpful. low back ache? yup. but i've been out and about, playing in the garden, decluttering the house, sleeping funny, so again, inconclusive. no temp spike, no spotting, so ugh, its that final week of "omg, i have NO symptoms."

which, hello, for the majority of people in their 2ww that end up with a BFP is the norm. so forget it, i'm not playing the symptom spotting game.

no matter how strong and rapid my pulse is....

besides, it is probably the progesterone talking. which, thanks to the switch from the oral Prometirum to the ol', um, shall we say, "non-oral" form of progesterone, i am not gaining 10 pounds and having massive mood swings. people touting the no side-effects from the suppository vs oral form of progesterone are not kidding. i am much, much happier.

i do have to share my greatest amusement in calling the compounding pharmacy to check if my script was ready to be picked up, their "on hold" message promoting their "Rectal Rocket" was hilarious. they may have been touting how smooth and effective it was in providing immediate hemorrhoid relief, but i'm not sure i want something called a "rocket" anywhere near my tushie.


but, sadly, it has been confirmed i am simply a crazy old cat lady. i tried my darnedest with that little dog to make her happy and comfortable, but my goodness, was i stressing out. the fact that she had never actually been paper-trained was not helping, as was the fact that she had also had no obedience training, so expecting her to perform her evacuations while on a leash was beyond her, and if she was off leash, she wouldn't respond to coming back to you, which is really, really scary given where i live, and the number of coyotes running round. her medical condition was still dicey as well, so she had to be settled in with someone able to take her back and forth to the vet on a daily basis to check her infection status. have no fear, she will be loved and looked after. right now she is happy being able to be 'part of the pack' with her current foster situation, which is what i really wanted for her. and it was good to have the confirmation that yes, i find cats, so much more relaxing, even if they do bicker with each other.


i guess by this Friday we will know one way or another how this IUI worked out. ::bites nails::

craving the forbidden

oh, what i wouldn't give for a hot bath right now! but seeing as I had an IUI last night and today at noon, it is kind of verboten. still, i want to be surrounded by hot water right now! argh!

so yes, LH surge did show up the evening up CD10, nice and strong, which meant IUI yesterday evening on CD11, and one today at noon. everything went really well, and I clearly ovulated last night, so the IUIs fell nicely on each side of that. interesting note from Awesome Midwife -- today's noon IUI was the first time she had any kind of resistance with my cervix. with our one IUI per cycle timing previously, she only ever got to meet the "Hey sailor, new in town" hussy of a cervix that shows up during LH surge. after an ovulation, bam!, she closes down, telling any swimmers its too late.

well, too late if they are going to swim the whole length. when we cheat and put those guys right where they are supposed to be, seems like our timing might be even more spot on.

(and once again, her stories make her Awesome Midwife. an emergency breech VBAC delivery? she's a rockstar.)

on to crossed fingers and positive thoughts for the next couple of weeks...

oh, yeah, and tomorrow is my birthday. which is still not sinking into my head. is it because i have my fingers in my ears and am singing "LA LA LA LA LA" at the top of my lungs?

oh crud

i just realized i am going to have to POAS this time around. ::cries:: i did one HPT before and i hated that experience of that glaring white space. its not something i have wanted to repeat, so i don't. i wait for AF.

but hello, on progesterone this go around! no AF until i stop it. which mean 14dpo i'm going to have to break out one of the 6 gazillion tests i have (thanks for all the free ones, earlyhomepregnancytests.com and clearblue easy...).

just..., just think really good thoughts and envision two lines for me come Sunday morning, okay? because i may very well loose it.

the only other thing that may be of note is at massage tonight, my therapist T commented that i had a ton of heat going on in my lower back. it wasn't inflammation, and it wasn't coming from the sacrum, but rather deeper in, and on either side of the sacrum which mean ... uterus. T knows my cycles about as well as i do right now, and she said this was not something that normally happens for me post ovulation.

i'm hoping that and the know achy low back i have are more than just progesterone side-effects. who knows, listing "your massage therapist my find a lot of heat in your low back while taking" is not included with the drug warning.

and i think they need to change the innocuous sounding "bloating" to something more accurate such as "none of your bras will fit, your jeans won't button, and you'll find yourself staring at yourself in the mirror, completely mesmerized that you have would can actually be classified as 'knockers' going on."

{{oh, and btw, whoever check in frequently from Iceland, i'd love it if you dropped me a note, privately if you wish. Iceland is near the top of my list of places i want to visit, and given all the recent news lately, i'm having fun saying "Eyjafjallajökull" as much as i can....}}

8dpIUI

holy crap, my boobs are huge right now. just in my way no matter what I'm doing.

of course I can't do any "sign spotting" this time round since I'm supplementing progesterone on this try, per the advice of my gyn & the midwife. i want to give any little bean as much of a chance at sticking as possible.

happily, much of the work stress is fading, so I was able to do lots of sleeping and coddling of myself this past weekend. felt absolutely delightful.

as to how I actually feel about this cycle, I'm pretty much in the area of numb. it's that spot you create where you dint want to get your hopes up because things nor working would be crushing, and trying to hope some little bit to keep your spirit open for what might be. so if anything, it's been easy to just not think about it during this 2ww.

of course, good wishes from others is always welcome. :)

and here we are again

Tank managed to arrive yesterday a few mere hours before the OPK let me know i was surging. i sent a text off to the midwife to see if she would be able to do an IUI in the morning, and all was arranged.

i still am finding it highly amusing and tres cool to be texting my midwife for these things.

my sign and portent for this try is the date of my surge - April 10. it was my mom's original due date for me. of course i decided to hang around for another 4 1/2 weeks on her. i've never been a morning person or eager to get out of bed.

all went off this morning without a hitch. well, okay, once small unexpected hitch. the bank sent 2 vials instead of the single vial i requested. seeing as it was the second day of my surge, there was no reason to use the second one. but now i have to call in the morning and triple check the charge on the tank and see if i need to keep it around and get it refilled before sending it back, or is there enough that sending it back tomorrow will get it back still frozen.

so another 2ww. feels a little surreal, a little unreal at the moment. i think i'm going to wrap things up for the evening and listen to my meditation and wonder how to stay sane for the next couple of weeks.

2ww

honestly, this work thing has got to stop being so demanding of my time. don't they realize i have a life on-line that needs tending to?

this 2ww may very well be the one that does me in. i somehow managed to avoid the obsessive over analyzing of every twitch and nudge my body experienced on prior 2ww, but not this time around. oy! i'm driving myself batty. crampy and tugging 7 dpo? check. constant creamy cm? check. implantation temp dip 8dpo? check. nice temp spike 9dpo? check. someone stop me, please!

i think the reason for all this obsessing this time around is simply because things were lining up so perfectly with this last IUI. my LH surge will still strong in the morning when i called the midwife. i then called my mom and asked her if she wanted to be here for the IUI. and the upon meeting the midwife, i was just wow. one of those moments when you had a flash that this is someone who had mean a midwife for many lifetimes. there is just something about her style and personality that if it could be pictured or described, it would be in the dictionary next to "midwife". i was immediately at ease and comfortable. i also loved that she brought her pre-teen daughter as a helper.

the procedure itself was beyond easy and quick -- the easiest of all by far. she confirmed that my cervix and cm was just as i had reported. and that my os was very open. so open that she insisted i stay curled up on the bed for a while and nap lest the swim team loose their sense of direction and head the wrong way.

i had been thinking in the morning how timing wise, this was actually quite lovely. conception as we head into winter, and the darkness of the year, my favorite time. birth as fall, second favorite season is approaching. as i looked out on the steely gray skies, i said, "oh, if only it would snow, then i would know all was perfect." and it did smell like snow, but none of the forecasters were saying it would happen.

it was the cherry on the sundae that was missing for the day. until my mom called that evening and and told me to look out into the dark. snow! so not that i'm now putting too much weight and promise on the day, but seriously, whatever little spirit is out there waiting to nestle in and become my child has quite the temptation. their grandmother there for the IUI, my joy and bliss, and all the signs lined up.

so that is where we are right now. i was inexplicably exhausted yesterday, but honestly, this time of year with the hours at work, it really isn't that unusual. i'm excited to see my acupuncturist tomorrow as always to see what she might say about my chart and pulse.

and yet at the same time, i'm trying to remind myself that i could simply be lining myself up for a very big disappointment.

::deep breath::

things will happen as they must and in their time.

1 week down, 1 to go

just sneaking in a quick update to let you all know to be on the lookout for a giveaway and product review for some Fairhaven Health goodies.

and was reminded i should really post an update by the sudden wave of exhaustion which just hit me like a ton of bricks. first day of this, so let's keep fingers crossed it means what it did last time.

as for "other signs" (for those who like to play that obsessive game), nothing but my normal luteal phase signs. i ovulate and and bam! i need sugar and carbs, STAT! as in, i will puke if i don't get vast amounts of carbs in my diet. in fact, i'm kind of hoping that the exhaustion isn't simply the result of me nibbling from junior mints this afternoon. don't tell my acupuncturist, 'kay? i figure if the body is screaming for a mainline drip of sugar, i need to placate it a little bit.

only thing else i've noticed this time around is the quantity of food i'm eating. holy, maloly, i don't eat this much. and definitely shouldn't. but somehow right now, a giant green smoothie, an egg, and a bowl of oatmeal is the perfect breakfast, and will hold me over for approximately one hour and forty-five minutes before we need to start thinking of second breakfast.

if my feet start growing larger and sprout hair, we'll now it's just the inner hobbit i never knew i had taking over.

at least i have *some* luck!

after a week of being tired and cranky because my boobs hurt so frickin' much (not to mention the whole lets gain a cup size so no bra fits! shenanigans), things are starting to ease down, sadly. yet not the boob size. yes, you can take these puppies away now, thanks progesterone. message about being at a healthy level received loud and clear.

temps are simply above coverline with no secondary spike. ::sigh::

but on the bright side, i just found out that i won a Bend Breathe and Conceive DVD from The Mind Reels! wow! i will confess that i've been on a whole Fairhaven Health kick this past cycle. FertilAid, Fertile CM (okay, yes, that stuff definitely works), and FertiliTea. every little bit helps, right? and we all know my love of yoga. now, hopefully this DVD will kick my fanny back into actually practicing instead of coming home and saying my boobs hurt too much and crawling into bed instead.

1 week down, 1 to go

can't believe i'm actually in a 2ww! have to remind myself to get back into my meditations for this time, but in a way, i like not thinking about the wait. still, my dreams this past week have been full of portents and signs, or perhaps just incredible wishes.

no huge rise in my temps. just a steady above coverline, with maybe a slow climb. my uterus feel "full" and twitchy the past couple of days, and i have my usual luteal phase bloat going on. the salt and vinegar crisps are probably not helping with that, either. boobs may be getting sore, or i just poked them too hard this morning, always difficult to tell. tired, which seems to be par for the course, and focused and stressed at work right now so my neck and shoulders are overly tight and sore. to the point that i had to go in for an emergency massage last night. i may be going back to weekly massages for a while just to help with all the stress that seems to be floating about, and i am trying desperately to ignore.

i did have an amazing acupuncture session on monday with a different doctor covering for my usual doctor. the two partners had met over the weekend with my chart, so she was all up to speed on everything i had been doing, and had lots of questions to clarify things. she was completely amazed that after 21 years on BCP my period came back at all, never mind right into a regular cycle (my first 3 cycles after stopping were 33 days, 29 days, 28 days). she looked me in the eye and said, i believe you are super fertile.

this is why i'm listening more to alternative treatments rather than REs. not because it is hope that may be false, but rather that it is about belief, and balance, and listening to each individual body. the only reason i ended up with an RE is because i was single. but i was treated from the first second like i was "broken". and if i couldn't get pregnant in three tries with all their drugs, then i was very broken and all hope was gone. especially given i had a number attached to me: 40.

i refuse to believe i'm broken. for the first time ever in my life, i feel healthy and alive and full of potential. the only thing we got standing in my way is access to fresh sperm. i'm beginning to think that that alone should not be an RE issue.

waiting for Aunt Flow...

welcome to CD29, luteal phase day 17. no headache. no cramps. but, no appetite since yesterday afternoon, so something is looming. and has an hour to get here before pushing into luteal phase day 18 area.

i don't want to test because i know i'm not. besides, i did test last Thursday (11dpo -- yes, it was a sensitive test) and nada. i started back on all my "not while pregnant" supplements. i did skip them today figuring that would help AF show up.

i'm dead exhausted these day. i can be awake for about 4 hours and then require a nap that turns into 2 hours of hard sleep. my entire weekend was spent in that 4 hour/2 hour cycle. but this is a sign of nothing other than a) it's summer (my body hates summer and tries to hibernate), and b) my allergies (hello uber-wet weather!) are trying to kill me.

my nipples are sore. i've never had sore nipples. i've had sore boobs (they're kinda tender now), but nipples have never been raging angry omg-you-touched-me-i-give-you-pain-back! sore. i must have a good progesterone level this month. it. is. not. a. sign.

it does not matter i spent money on another month of supplements, and supplies for at home insemination. or called and compared numbers with the bank. or scheduled LASIK surgery for next month which can not be done if pregnant. i can wave all the red flags i want at fate, but i have to keep my feet on the ground and remind myself it did not happen this month.

i think my cervix just gave me a ping. AF must be getting close.

feeling good with my decision.

so after my moody monday and feeling all out o sorts with this round, i've taken a deep breath and said "c'est la vie" and decided no use continuing to freak out. i still kept coming back to the home insemination idea even though i know based on everything the RE has told me, it doesn't make sense. except it still keeps knocking around in my brain. i got to the point where i actually called my mom to try and bounce some o this off her. she wants me to pursue IVF, but i had to explain to her that the doctor says that isn't an option due to my low response. i explained about the injectables cycle and the cost not just of the meds, but also the ultrasounds. being her usual over-generous self, she offered to write me a check for which ever course i decided to pursue.

by tuesday morning, i pretty much woke up with the decision in my head to try the home insemination for a few months while focusing on acupuncture. after all, it can't hurt, right? i relistened to the Choice Moms podcast on the subject, just to make sure i had my numbers right on sperm viability (yes, 12 to 24 hours for frozen sperm with vaginal inseminations; 6-8 hours for frozen then washed IUI). needles to say my acupuncturist is over the moon with my decision.

she was also rather pleased to hear that yes, for the first time with certainty, i have achieved easily identifiable fertile CM. the things you get excited about in this process, right? i told her of the timing disaster and the lack of any clear LH surge. i decided that it was the FertiliTea i started drinking this cycle -- i think vitex/chasteberry is just *not* for me. especially once i did more reading and confirmed that yes indeedy, it lowers FSH *and* LH be reducing estrogen. this would explain my skin deciding to break out again the past couple of weeks. baby, i need the estrogen, and the FSH/LH around to do their job.

oh, and on this second IUI this cycle, i did have some spotting. dr. G, the acupuncturist seemed pleased with that until i explained to her that it is normal, and the nurse i had was not the best. but, most interesting of monday was that when i woke up, cervix was waaaaay up high. by afternoon, it had dropped significantly. i don't know if this is a sign of okay timing after all, or my "hey, sailor, new in town?" cervix not liking the less than graceful approach of the nurse that day.

still lacking is a clear temp spike. we had that awesome dip to a temp lower than any prior temp ever on sunday. but no jump above coverline on monday. in fact today (thursday) is the first day for me above coverline. sure, i's just gone up since sunday, but i still say something funky happened with ovulation or lack there of. i'll just have to see how the rest of my temps pan out this cycle.

but i've pretty much decided i'm not in a 2ww at this point. and i m going to blow off my bloodwork for progesterone and the beta as well. why pay $200 for a screwed up cycle? heck, why pay $200 for *any* cycle. after all a) i know i don't have progesterone issues, so i don't care about that test, and b) you'll know in two weeks whether you are pregnant or not. after reading horror stories about some "beta dances" with the obsessive tracking of the number, i don't really care to join in. if at some point i do get pregnant and the beta drops, then i'd rather miscarry that way naturally rather than having to go in for blood draws and worrying what the numbers are.

it's so strange. i'm usually such a good patient, and the first to jump on board with a doctor's suggestions. but for this i'm being all touch-feely airy-fairy. maybe it's my attempt to make this as close to "natural" and "normal", despite the fact i'm going it alone. i wouldn't be going through all of this if i had a partner unless it was past the 1 year of trying with no luck point. why add in one more level of stress in something that is doubly stressful already for single women.

so there we are. and i feel really, really good with my decisions.

(and yes, i know, if by some funky miracle of crazy miracles i end up pregnant on this screwed-up cycle, it would be so cool. it's a fun thought, but i'm not making any wishes about it.)

no news

in case you were curious, i am a big chicken and did not POAS because i convinced my brain as been playing trick on me. i've had one nightsweat during this 2ww when my usual for my luteal phase is every night. no secondary temp spike. boobs feel normal (yes, there is a rash, but i did change soaps last week, and no the rash is only on my boobs but that means nothing). food tastes funny and i don't feel great after eating in the morning, but all of these are symptoms of a normal function Single Hussy. since i was a kid, food would change tastes on me, and morning and foods were a no go.

instead, i'm going to just wait until my test on monday, and am pretty much prepping myself for a disappointment again. i know the RE wants to schedule another consult with me. i may ask her if i can try several round of ICI on my own. clearly, with the help of a little clomid, i am ovulating -- and am likely ovulating even without the clomid. my only abnormality was the super high FSH -- everything else was normal. and i got to wondering, how may couples try and get pregnant and never know FSH levels. they could be high, but since couples don't usually consult an RE until an extended period of trying with no results, we really don't know. i think i should be allowed some trying time before changing to a more aggressive protocol. as one of the triers on the SMC board quipped, her only fertility problem is lack of regular access to sperm.

plus, i'd love the whole pressure of blood testing/any testing off my psyche at the moment. to just try and now go bonkers in the 2ww and just see what happens.

i don't know. this could all be a giant mood swing, but yes, again, that is a normal functioning Single Hussy!

insane person ahead. you might want to cross the street.

i do not remember being this much of a spaz during my first 2ww. then again, i don't remember having such itchy boobs that i didn't care if i was at work, my hand is going in my bra to try and get some relief.

so even though they didn't call me after my progesterone test for IUI#1, they just called with today's level (40.40). not as stellar as the "over 60" i had last time, but still, according to all those online charts (someone needs to take my internets away), it is damned good. damned good for a medicated cycle. damned good for first trimester.

so of course i spot the hCG levels chart below, and they are giving a level for 10dpo. whoa. that soon? so i of course go over to check the site where i got my pregnancy test strips to see their sensitivity level. yeah, so their sensitivity level is at 20mlU/ml/hCG and say you can test as early as 6 to 8 dpo

i can see it coming. i'm going to try and stop my insanity and POAS tomorrow morning. i'll be disappointed, but oh, if it could stop the why are my boobs so dammed itchy? are my nipples darker? where are all these zits coming from? moment, it may be worth it.

in.sane. completely totally barking. (does this mean i'm having mood swings as well?)

argh!!

add insanely itchy breasts to the tricks my mind is causing my body to play on me. still think i have a couple more days to see a secondary BBT spike. that is what i would *love* to see. though the BBT so far is a lovely steady climb -- and higher this morning than any previous cycle. my acupuncturist is going to be stoked when she sees my chart tomorrow.

don't know if i will POAS this time round. i have a bunch of tests, but in a way, i don't want to know if it is negative. on the other hand, when we get to that point next weekend, i may be completely insane and need to know.

i'm trying not to jinx myself by feeling positive on this one, but something in the back of my head is just going there. maybe its a little sprog talking to me...

TMI moment coming, y'all...

... but then, that's why we are here, right?

have been trying not to over-analyze my body this early after IUI (6dpiui today). but had a WTH? moment (or two) while hiking today, in the form of fertile quality cervical mucus. like uber-egg-white that i never actually get. and massive amounts of it.

the boobs are getting a bit tender, but i figure that can be pretty common in this part of the cycle, but i was curious in regards to the CM.

Increased Vaginal Discharge.

From 7 days post ovulation (one week post conception).

If you have an increase in the amount of vaginal discharge after Ovulation this can be a predictor of pregnancy. Many pregnant women report fertile type or creamy discharge.

um, okay. i think i need to chalk this up to my body's amazing ability to generate progesterone, right? (oh, hello, night sweats to beat the band last night. how i never, ever miss you.) i probably just ovulated the hell out of my left ovary and have corpus luteum having a big old party.

yep. let's stay logical and sane here.

though i gave karma another huge target today by going on a more strenuous than expected hike today.

the official BFN

thanks for everyone who was rooting for a first shot miracle, but as i expected, the blood work showed a BFN today. not too surprising since a) my temps didn't show that tri-phasic jump, and b) no + on those sticks i've been testing.

(and what fun -- i get to continue POAS until AF shows up for the testing protocal...)

good news in speaking with the nurse in that Dr. W was very pleased with my blood test results as far as the progesterone, as it indicated that i was in fact responding to the clomid and clearly had a couple follicle i ovulated from. for a progesterone reading where they want to see a 10, i had a 60. this explains the past 4 nights of crazy night sweats. i'll be glad when those corpus luteum leave town -- by my charts, i've got a few more rough nights in store.

i let them know i was going to take next cycle off to get my body in better shape. they said no problem, and that Dr. W had approved me for a couple my tries on the current protocal (50 mg clomid, no trigger) when i was ready.

off to brew up some tension tamer tea to remind myself to keep the stress at bay, and gee, i guess i put those DHEA tablets in my pocket today for a reason. :)

nothing to report

3 days of POAS for science and nadda. i'm sure the blood test on monday will confirm things. i've been doing a lot of thinking and worrying in this 2ww, mostly about the health of my body. i'm frustrated and anxious that the herbs and supplements and teas i had been on, i can't take. i worry that one i get my period and can start them up again, that short period before ovulation is not enough time to boost up these rusty ovaries. i feel helpless, like i'm not doing enough, or am not dedicated enough.

so at acupuncture this morning, i expressed this to my doctor, all in a voice and manner i could tell was one fraught with anxiety. i was really regretting not having my usual cup of tension tamer tea as i seem to be a bit more mellow with it.

i told the doctor i think i needed to slow down and take a break next cycle. i need to focus more on my body and getting it where it needs to be with all the herbs and supplements that i can't use if i'm possibly pregnant, or trying. as i was saying it, i felt the tension start leaving my body, and a wave of calm settle in its place. i didn't need to her agreement at that point, i finally figured out what i needed.

so yes, next cycle i'm going to step back and focus on getting the body in optimum egg-producing mode. i'm going to continue to battle the stress hormone and find the balance that i need.

and i'm going to do more yoga. i've meant to this week, but i've just been so stinking tired every night that by the time i walk in the door, all i want to do it brush my teeth and crawl into bed. usually i love the quiet and calm of yoga in the next of my bedroom, stretching in the glow of the fairy lights i strung up over the window on a whim. it's my moment to decompress, thank my body and wow, does it get me ready to sleep. but i've not needed that help lately!

so tonight i'm in bed later than i should be (was off work today and slept for three hours this afternoon -- oops!). am nearly finished with Inconceivable, by Julie Indichova. absolutely love it, from her easy style to her story of overcoming secondary infertility at 42. of course i discovered in reading it this afternoon that Julie came to much the same conclusion i just did this morning -- slow down, step back and take a deep breath. rushing and pushing and fighting so hard with all the worry is doing no good.

yes, 40 is sitting right there for me, looming on the two week horizon. but it is a number. just like that FSH of 31. what matters more to me is the living. there is a great quote in Inconceivable that rang true with me: "pay attention to your dreams, for they are your letters from God."

i cannot tell you the number of dreams i've had since i was an early teen of being pregnant. of being pregnant and knowing that i didn't have a partner involved. when i was a teen, needless to say those dreams scared the bejeebers out of me. by the time i was in my 20s and had already heard from my gyn that pregnancy may very well not be a possibility for me, they seemed like wishful thinking. they would hurt a bit, and in my usually fashion, i'd brush it of, building up a wall to that pain inside myself. in the last few years, those dreams were clearly a vocation for me, making me stop and wonder if i was choosing the right path to becoming a mother, and yet confirming in some sense that doing this on my own had always been in the cards.

i'm one of those people who puts a lot of power and strength into dreams and sorting through their meaning. the subconscious is a powerful and complicated beast, and it does have a heck of a lot of wisdom to impart, so i'll stop and listen to it's wacky ramblings to sort things out. it's work for me well in the past, and now, now it is a pull of hope. and that is something everyone on this journey needs.