Throw open every door; you never know where someone intends to knock

Now, if only I wasn't battling five kinds of crazy-tired and chasing after 6 million balls at once, I'd have a chance to open a few more doors in life.

But I kicked a big one open last week. Back in October, I finally decided to suck it up and head off to a meeting DCYF (Dept of Children, Youth and Family -- hey, you know guessed what state I'm in!) was having on their foster and adoption program. As expected, adoptions through DCYF do not start until the child is at least 6 years old. All hail the classic "we must do everything to reunite the family even if it is unhealthy" philosophy. I know, I can debate both sides of that argument backwards and forwards, but I'm a wee bit leery of the extent to which DCYF goes on this, especially after clerking in family court, and interviewing for a job as an attorney with DCYF. Which I turned down, because seriously, that scary understaffed and overworked office they like to show on television for that? THat would be sugar coated about 10 times over from the horrifying reality.

Anyway, as I was sitting in the meeting and hearing more on fostering, and trying to figure out if I could really adopt an older school age child who had already been in the system for eons, and didn't just come with issues, but rather publications, little bells started going off in my head on fostering for infants. Yes, and infant, and handing it back to family that has gotten it's sh!t back together. Part of me is going "WHat are you doing? You are insane! Stop this!" A much larger part of me was rolling around in all my developmental psych studies, shouting things like "secure attachment!"

I walked out of there going, I want to be a foster mom for infants. Maybe one will stay, maybe one won't. But I can make a difference. Just for the record, my cynical side is no longer talking to me.

I began to try and wade through the disorganized mess of forms (some of which were photocopies of handwritten mimeograph forms. Hello, the 1980s called....) they gave me to start the enrollment process that needed to be completed before I could start training classes. Luckily, I was smart enough to talk to a family member regarding a reference, and she happens to work with a private foster/adopt agency that works with DCYF. She steered me straight to their foster recruitment program, and they completely sold me on working with the private agency. Yes, foster children still from from DCYF, but now you don't have only an overworked state social worker as a contact. You have a social worked from the agency as well, as well as a dozen other people on staff working both on behalf of the child, the birth family, AND the foster parent. They know how to kid kids from languishing in the foster care system and kick things into overdrive -- either by above and beyond support and training for the birth family so their sh!t really is together, or making the state and the courts open their eyes and see that some chaotic situation are never going to be able to be fixed, so why are we punishing a child by keeping them in a tenuous and different kind of chaotic situation.

TRaining classes started last week, and if it hadn't been for a huge blizzard this week, I likely would of already had a case-worker assigned to me and home-study kicked off. But that is all on the horizon.

Bottom line is that in three months or so, once I'm approved, I could have a placement. I could be a full-time student, part-time birth doula, and full-time foster mom.

Me. <---- Insane.

But completely loving it. :)

Now, to start working on those other doors. Anyone want to help me right up a profile to make my womb look like the amazing location it is for a few frozen embryos? Oh great, I just got the idea for a profile headline... Instead of the typical "Family with so much love to give", I can see, "Spa-like retreat in this tropical beach-side womb -- just the place to thaw out and relax!"

I did mention the five different kinds of tired, right? Yeah. I get punchy when I'm this tired.

Over and out!

nothing much going on

Figured I should at least update to say that I'm really not approaching this time as a 2ww. Which is why I didn't really want to post, because after how many times now, another BFN at the end of it -- or another nanosecond chemical pregnancy -- is just ... aggravating? Depressing? So I'm doing fine just going about my business as normal and not thinking about things. And honestly class-work and a flurry of exams have really helped with this.

Though I should mention that the day of IUI#7 (a Saturday) did not exactly go as smoothly as I had planned. Got to the hospital campus on time, parked in my sneaky little spot no one ever thinks to park in, and wandered over to the complex where the urologists office is located. And couldn't get in the building. Side doors locked and the automatic main entry refusing to open. Hello panic. Luckily I had the number of the office on my cell and was able to call, and left a frantic message for the lab saying, I'm here, it's 9:00am, you thawed my swimmers at 8:30 am, and I need to be inseminated STAT! I wondered if I should run over to the other bock and wind my way through the maze of buildings to get to one of the connector bridges that should let me in to the office complex. Luckily, the lab called me back right away and suggested I just force my way in the automatic door. "We don't know why, but security tends to turn them off on weekends, even though all the offices are open." o_0 So I got all muscly, and managed to crack open the auto door enough to squeeze through and raced up to the office.

Of course once up there, a rather snotty receptionist on duty handed me a stack of new patient forms to fill out. I looked at her and then back at the forms and informed her that I had already filled these out as part of the package from the RE's office I dropped off a couple weeks ago. And hi, not really a new patient. I'm just here to get knocked up. She curtly told me to fill out the forms.

Needless to say, I filled them out, blowing through most everything and not even caring about medication allergies since I wouldn't be getting any medications from them. I handed them back to SnotFace and she told me to have a seat and wait in the empty waiting room. At this point I informed her it was 9:15 am, the lab had thawed my sample at 8:30 am, and did she realize that sample had at best an hour lifespan after such thawing. SnotFace had the gall to try and give me attitude back, saying she needed to prepare a proper office file for me since no one had done it for her, and paperwork was required. I cut her off, emphasizing once again that hello, I ALREADY GAVE YOU THAT, and I'm only here to be for an insemination, so what the heck did they need to know about the history of my peeing?

At this point, a very cheerful face appeared behind SnotFace and slapped down a file folder with my name on it, and all my previously turned in paperwork, pointing out to SnotFace that I was right, I had handed everything in, and someone did prepare the office file as needed which SnotFace would have seen opened her eyes and looked in the proper place. Cheerful person then sang out that I was ready and please walk around to meet her in the hall.

As she guided me to room #7, she introduced herself as "J___, the nice one in the office." J. is a kick-ass RN, has struggled with infertility herself, and boy, did we have a great time talking about trying to get pregnant, office politics, and nursing school. Made that whole waiting with my legs up in the air just fly by. She honestly was insanely nice and such a delight. Helped to turn around my starting to stress over the whole situation.

But that is really the only thing of note since last checking in. Like I said, not even letting myself hold out any hope for this time around, and instead am seriously pursuing frozen-embryo adoption. After checking out several sites and clinics suggested by others, I am really sucked in my Miracles Waiting and the hope of an open donation. I love the idea of that connection and building a rather unconventional yet joyful extended family. As soon as finals for one of my classes settles down this week, I'll be getting my profile posted up there. That's where you can keep those lucky thoughts and crossed fingers focused! :)