Still here. Both of us!

I know, I know, but holy crud, my life is just too insane lately to give me a minute to post. And the biggest issue I have is not being able to share photos because seriously, they do speak volumes and I want to share this adorable smiling monkey and yet I can't. So, so frustrating to any inspiration that I have to write.

And in truth, last year was really rough. I realized as I was writing out my holiday card in December that I had done 2 years of a BSN nursing school in 11 months. With a new baby. Crap, no wonder I was exhausted!

Luckily this year the class schedule slows down a bit -- you can't do the final year any faster than 2 semesters, and summer semesters are out. So I feel like I am still on holiday even though classes have started again.

As for A., aka The Wee Bean. She is still here. Her case remains tied up in legal. Parental rights were not terminated in December, but likely will be at the 1 year mark in May. And that is where the finger crossing comes in. Because we need to get to that point with the other state still refusing to take custody of her. And for this states judge to agree to the TPR. Because what happen then, well, she gets adopted. By me. And that is so close, and yet so far. Every day is one step closer, but I know all could go differently with a single phone call. So I'm just keep holding my breath.

~*~*~*~

And on that very brief check-in, there is a crawling stinky-bottom at my feet in need of a bath and snuggle. We are fighting a pretty good cold that hit with a fever today, but seems to just be fever and snot. Hoping the weekend sets someone to rights, but peeee-yew! I need to set that tushy to rights ASAP!

confessions

i've finally admitted it to myself: mother's day falling on my birthday this year IS pissing me off. i didn't think i'd be still in the same place i was last year at this time. ::sigh:: chin up, deep breath, focus on the positive that is CD7 and the growth of a nice fat and healthy follie.

my acupuncturist said something odd to my last week as i was leaving treatment. "i'm really proud of you." i looked at her, confused and asked what she meant. "the whole way you are handling this negative."

i don't know if it is some much handling it as much as it is just being numb. i had that sense from the day after the IUI that things didn't happen. my hopes really didn't get high. as much as i tried to do positive visualization, i knew on some level it was pointless, it wasn't going to be this cycle as much as i wanted it. good news, things falling into place with work and career changes, a huge full double rainbow greeting me one evening during the 2ww... they weren't the signs a portents for this cycle.

yet still, i don't think it is something to be proud off. i feel like i cut myself off emotionally from this whole thing just because i knew i'd be facing a negative test. and somehow i don't think shutting everything down emotionally is necessarily a good thing.

~.~.~.~

but on to bigger and better cycles. Tank will be arriving this Friday for our hot date sometime this weekend. actually, we're going to go for two hot dates. Amazing Midwife thinks a double IUI this time just to counteract any potential bad timing sounds like a fair deal, and seeing as i've purchased those vials already, it's not hurting my wallet much more.

and goddess help me, but i'm about to be a dog owner. me, a confirmed crazy cat lady. my mom is the original Dr. Dolittle and has a foster toy poodle she's been nursing back into health. little white thing, who as it turns out, is one heck of a fire-cracker personality. but what has made me crazy over her is that she is very much a cat trapped in a dog's body. seriously. she's all about snuggling up with you, playing with cat-nip toys, and napping all day. being yippy and yapping at things? not her game. in fact she barely has a bark -- just this itty bitty squeak i've heard once. oh, and yes, she *loves* cats. fascinated with them. wants to give them kisses and curl up to sleep with them. clearly, this is not a canine.

so this little mini-diva is at the point of needing to be settled in somewhere, but mom has been worried about finding the right home for her and dropping hints my way the size of anvils. seeing as i feel much the same as she does (this is a very special dog who has been through a lot, and needs an awesome companion), i gave into the pressure. mom is thrilled and wants her to be settled in with me before Tank arrives since it is proven dogs do good things for your hormones. i chuckled at that one, not asking her for research. at this point, i'll go with every goofy suggestion.

and we're back.

back to CD1, that is.

yep, blew a follicle early last cycle. way too early, which means, hello, estrogen dominance was rearing it's head the cycle previous and left me with a few extra friends in the ovary.

but despite the raging cramps at the moment, i'm feeling hopeful to staying in balance this cycle, and giving this another normally timed try.

as if anything in this whole process can be considered normal.

2ww

honestly, this work thing has got to stop being so demanding of my time. don't they realize i have a life on-line that needs tending to?

this 2ww may very well be the one that does me in. i somehow managed to avoid the obsessive over analyzing of every twitch and nudge my body experienced on prior 2ww, but not this time around. oy! i'm driving myself batty. crampy and tugging 7 dpo? check. constant creamy cm? check. implantation temp dip 8dpo? check. nice temp spike 9dpo? check. someone stop me, please!

i think the reason for all this obsessing this time around is simply because things were lining up so perfectly with this last IUI. my LH surge will still strong in the morning when i called the midwife. i then called my mom and asked her if she wanted to be here for the IUI. and the upon meeting the midwife, i was just wow. one of those moments when you had a flash that this is someone who had mean a midwife for many lifetimes. there is just something about her style and personality that if it could be pictured or described, it would be in the dictionary next to "midwife". i was immediately at ease and comfortable. i also loved that she brought her pre-teen daughter as a helper.

the procedure itself was beyond easy and quick -- the easiest of all by far. she confirmed that my cervix and cm was just as i had reported. and that my os was very open. so open that she insisted i stay curled up on the bed for a while and nap lest the swim team loose their sense of direction and head the wrong way.

i had been thinking in the morning how timing wise, this was actually quite lovely. conception as we head into winter, and the darkness of the year, my favorite time. birth as fall, second favorite season is approaching. as i looked out on the steely gray skies, i said, "oh, if only it would snow, then i would know all was perfect." and it did smell like snow, but none of the forecasters were saying it would happen.

it was the cherry on the sundae that was missing for the day. until my mom called that evening and and told me to look out into the dark. snow! so not that i'm now putting too much weight and promise on the day, but seriously, whatever little spirit is out there waiting to nestle in and become my child has quite the temptation. their grandmother there for the IUI, my joy and bliss, and all the signs lined up.

so that is where we are right now. i was inexplicably exhausted yesterday, but honestly, this time of year with the hours at work, it really isn't that unusual. i'm excited to see my acupuncturist tomorrow as always to see what she might say about my chart and pulse.

and yet at the same time, i'm trying to remind myself that i could simply be lining myself up for a very big disappointment.

::deep breath::

things will happen as they must and in their time.

missing in action

sorry, folks, welcome to the crazy time of year. work life has shifted from the 60 hours a week schedule to 80 hours-eat your entire life schedule. i don't have time for much beyond work, commute, sleep, shower. lather, rinse, repeat.

that said, in the midst of this uber-high stress atmosphere, we are on CD11 and trying to do one really well timed IUI with the midwife this time around. that is, if my LH surge would behave and show up. my poor CBE fertility monitor has been completely bamboozled by the happy shift in my hormones (hello, estrogen!) brought on by the massive amounts of red clover infusions i've been consuming. the darned thing is just reading "high" fertility all the time. my 10 pm OPK tests have been annoyingly stark white, even with my 10 am OPKs starting to show a hint of a line.

add to that that my my temp jumped this morning, and i was convinced that i somehow missed ovulation. at which point i reminded myself that hello, my cervix was not high until today, and the EWCM is still scant. though, there *is* EWCM already -- even when my cervix was low and firm. lovely stuff. this i completely credit the massive amounts of oat top infusions and FertileCM i've been ingesting. :)

today's 10am OPK is darker than yesterday's, and yesterday's was darker than Wednesdays, and Tuesday's was stark white. i think it is coming, just slowly. and maybe i'm drinking too much water between my 6 pm pee and 10 pm test. but darn, i'm thirsty! and there are herb infusions to consume!

keep your fingers crossed that tomorrow or Sunday's mid-day OPK is a super strong positive i've come to expect.

in the meantime, i've got to do some yoga tonight to calm myself down.

and stop checking my top desk-drawer where my 10am test is stashed to see if it is suddenly darkening to a strong surge

::tap, tap, tap::

hear that noise? that's me, impatiently waiting for CD1. hello, i figured you'd be here by saturday at least. i'm now on day four of the day-before-AF headache and just antsy as all get out to get the next cycle started so this show can get on the road.

i know, in looking at my chart, this longer cycle is a good thing. this is a nice long luteal phase now (heading into day 15) with consistent temps. good luteal phase means good sticky bean environment, and that's what we need.

i am at preset lying in bed with my castor oil pack on my belly and the heating pad on top of that. this isn't exactly the eyes closed meditation i'm supposed to be doing, but me time of late is hard to come by, so i figure positive baby talk during this is all good. i have to say this is one of the favorite things from the acupuncturist. i put the back on, and my belly gets all grumbly and shifting around, and then i can just feel my ovaries swelling and shifting about. and heating pad on belly before bed is very conducive to a good night's sleep.

a very good friend gave me her copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility this weekend, and given her own fertility story (they were kinda sorta maybe ready to start thinking about trying and wham! preggers...), i feel like i should rub the book across my belly for good luck. i've never thought of myself as a superstitious or luck minded person, but i think this whole adventure is warping my brain in that regard with my looking for signs everywhere, and turning them on their head for luck if i need to.

like the fact that my sperm order is shipping on April 1. o_0 instead i'm thinking oh, hey, Fertile Myrtle good friend's birthday, so this is cool. mm hm, whatever i need to get through the days....

i had my phone consult with the nurse practitioner/mid-wife from the sperm bank today. we went over my numbers from the RE, and she was kinda stunned at the FSH 31 on day 3 and then dropping so much *after* the clomid challenge. i said there might be a wee bit of stress involved. her response was, "uh, i'd say! that's just ... wild." so she confirmed everything i was doing with supplements, acupuncture, massage. she was glad to hear the RE didn't dismiss me outright, and was open that we are only looking at a 5% chance, but going ahead with 3 clomid IUIs. i've pretty much decided that if nothing happens in the first 3 cycles, i'll take several months off and keep working with the acupuncturist and give my body a chance to get some nice follicles going. then i'll go back for another 3 rounds and see where things take us.

the midwife was encouraging though, and said with all that i'm doing right now, she wouldn't be surprise at all if i was pregnant sometime in the first 3 rounds, even with my numbers and endo history. i'm thinking positive, i'm doing the right stuff, and she sees this happen. i'm just continuing to send those hopeful thoughts out to the universe.

it's funny, because my instinct is to try and prepare myself for the worst. i realized tonight what i was doing, prepping myself to not be pregnant on the first try and be patient, and realize this is going to be struggle. and i said screw it, that's not hopeful positive thinking. enough with the worst case scenario and being prepared for the worst. i'll deal with disappointment and upset when and IF they come. from now on, i'm fully giving into my 'fantasy' of a one shot wonder. it can be done. and i want to be that one that sets a new record in the clinic for the highest FSH pregnancy. :)

there was a topic this past week on the SMC email group that really reminded me of how lucky i really am. not only do i have my family's support, but i live where i can actually take this step and make my dreams of being a mom come true. a SMC thinking ready to be trying who is an ex-pat in Europe found out from her clinic there that it is illegal to help a single woman get pregnant. ILLEGAL. (and yes, this could be a road we in the US of A may start to head down at some point, but don't get me started on that.) wow, where do your options go then? sleeping around to try and get pregnant? sham marriage to get a clinic to work with you? i'm sorry, but i'm kind of really happy and secure with having a detailed medical screening and history of those vials i'm ordering -- must more info than you get from a potential one-night stand ("hey, cutie, so tell me about the history of cancer in your family!") or even a long-term boyfriend in some cases. it is just something that has really haunted me all week. i'm worried enough about my numbers and my fertility. to worry about whether it was even legal for a doctor to help on this journey just boggles the mind. so i'm sending hugs and positive thoughts for optional paths for this SMC. it's a bit of a bigger hill to climb, but it can be done, an you've got a troop of SMCs around the world ready to help you out in any way we can.