wow, look at that, a whole month and then some went missing up here. i've been a bit holed up in my head of late, struggling with finding time and energy to write. things have been both a whirlwind, and yet the same old boring things. work has mostly taken all my time, and i've been doing some soul-searching on that front and am contemplating a career change.

but that's not why you're breezing by to see if i'm still here.

let's see, long story wrap up from when we last left our intrepid heroine:

• i checked in with my gyn to discuss if endo was hiding and if another surgery should be undertaken. his conclusion is that no, no signs on sonograms or symptoms, and that the risk of surgery for me outweighed any possible benefit.
• i sent off saliva test for my full December cycle to get a full hormone analysis. came back with classic estrogen dominance, to the point that i should not be ovulating as regularly and nicely as i do. but it explains why i was not able to hold onto the egg that fertilized in December -- my progesterone levels are good, but the estrogen is still higher.
• did testing for my adrenals which came back showing major burn-out. classic signs of long term high stress. shocking. absolutely shocking. < /sarcasm > am now on some herbs for adrenal support. my reaction (or rather, my lack there of) to high stress moments now is just amazing.
• did a full herbal cleanse from Blessed Herbs. wow. that was amazing, and felt incredible. i feel like i've completely reset my body, and last month's BBT chart was one of the best i've had this past year.
• was supposed to try another IUI this cycle, but the bank didn't have any IUI sampled ready until *this* month for both my #1 and #2 choices. argh!
• not trying this month may have worked out for the best. at the very end of my cleanse and the start of this cycle, i got hit with a nasty cold. i'm still rather miffed by that -- i haven't had a cold in probably 15 years. i get the flu, i have allergies, but i simply don't get colds.
• i broke down and bought the circle+bloom meditation series. this is another wow. absolutely love it. have never had such a powerful and effective guided meditation experience. the relaxation i'm able to achieve in my body is just amazing.
• started this cycle trying an herbal protocol for the estrogen dominance. unfortunately, i don't think it agreed with my body. i got tossed into a chronic daily migraine cycle, anxiety, depression, mood swings, and just feeling sick and unhappy. i decided to listen to my gut this week and stopped it. 48 hours later, and i am beginning to feel like myself again.

so, that's about where we are. i went ahead and purchased 4 vials of #1 donor in IUI, so i won't get caught not being able to try again. CD20 right now, so should probably drop the midwives a note to let them know i'll be back in circulation next month.

now, to see if i can accomplish the new mission of keeping this spot actually updated in a timely manner...

1 week down, 1 to go

can't believe i'm actually in a 2ww! have to remind myself to get back into my meditations for this time, but in a way, i like not thinking about the wait. still, my dreams this past week have been full of portents and signs, or perhaps just incredible wishes.

no huge rise in my temps. just a steady above coverline, with maybe a slow climb. my uterus feel "full" and twitchy the past couple of days, and i have my usual luteal phase bloat going on. the salt and vinegar crisps are probably not helping with that, either. boobs may be getting sore, or i just poked them too hard this morning, always difficult to tell. tired, which seems to be par for the course, and focused and stressed at work right now so my neck and shoulders are overly tight and sore. to the point that i had to go in for an emergency massage last night. i may be going back to weekly massages for a while just to help with all the stress that seems to be floating about, and i am trying desperately to ignore.

i did have an amazing acupuncture session on monday with a different doctor covering for my usual doctor. the two partners had met over the weekend with my chart, so she was all up to speed on everything i had been doing, and had lots of questions to clarify things. she was completely amazed that after 21 years on BCP my period came back at all, never mind right into a regular cycle (my first 3 cycles after stopping were 33 days, 29 days, 28 days). she looked me in the eye and said, i believe you are super fertile.

this is why i'm listening more to alternative treatments rather than REs. not because it is hope that may be false, but rather that it is about belief, and balance, and listening to each individual body. the only reason i ended up with an RE is because i was single. but i was treated from the first second like i was "broken". and if i couldn't get pregnant in three tries with all their drugs, then i was very broken and all hope was gone. especially given i had a number attached to me: 40.

i refuse to believe i'm broken. for the first time ever in my life, i feel healthy and alive and full of potential. the only thing we got standing in my way is access to fresh sperm. i'm beginning to think that that alone should not be an RE issue.

CD1. again.

well, a couple hours after i posted yesterday, i realized, hey, wow, these are some pretty intense cramps. yep, AF decided to make a late afternoon appearance, and with a force which only confirmed my suspicions that the endo is back and spreading. so i went ahead and called over to the clinic to schedule the baseline scan. turns out the RE has also requested a follow up consult with me, so that is scheduled as well. Friday will be a day started and ended at the clinic, with my scan at 7 am, and the RE appointment at 4 pm.

at least yesterday i got to end the day with acupuncture. let me tell you, acupuncture on the day you start your period with craps from hell is an amazing and wonderful thing. once she got the needle "zinging" and the heat lamp centered on my belly (oh dear goddess, yes) i was left alone with my thoughts that were still going a million miles an hour.

i had filled in Dr. G (my acupuncturist) on my thoughts and ideas of doing things at home, possibly on a natural cycle, just with a heck of a lot more herbs. she of course is all for that. she also let me know that she knows several local gynies who will do natural (unmedicated) IUIs if for some reason that is a better option. but right now, i'm going to focus on CM this cycle, and start getting that in better shape. she's convince that even at my age, it is possible.

so even though i'm usually out like a light during acupuncture, the brain was just too full and busy last night. took a lot of time and listening to the meditation playing to finally get myself to calm and start to drift. of course by then, Dr. G was back, and had me roll over o she could do some work on my low back for the end, which is clearly back in its favorite haunts of the back of uterus and my bowels.

all i can say is no cramps today, and i slept absolutely blissfully last night. i feel much better than i did on monday. yeah, it ended up being rather rough on monday, most likely because the massage therapist said the wrong phrase to me in what was an attempt to comfort, but it just shreds me to little pieces: "it wasn't meant to be." thanks. i don't like having to suck that up in hole left by a missing relationship in my life; i'll be damned if i have to live with that for another hole where a relationship with a child should be.

so at least last night i was able to remind myself that i was not broken, and this cant be forced. it is simply abut being open and healthy and ready, and letting it happen. another cycle, back on all the supplements, and ready to grow some more healthy eggies.

i am yin deficient

in prep for my acupuncturist visit last night, i listened to a great podcast from Creating A Family, that featured Dr. Angela Wu, author of Fertility Wisdom. and yes, i promptly ordered the book!

i though Dr. Wu's final thought t the close of the podcast was just what i needed to hear on so many levels:

"be grateful for fertile blessings in any form, whether it is a baby or a bright idea. Recognize that we may not choose the particular vehicle that carries us through life, but we can change our life's journey at any time just simply by choosing a different path and choosing to travel with a smile. ... smile to your organs, smile to your body, smile to your partners and smile to the world, and smile to the little baby you are inviting to continue with you."

the message of smiling was an echo of an earlier sentiment she had in her talk of learning to thank our bodies, and not be mad at them. so much of infertility is tied up in anger and frustration and hatred of the body, when in fact we need to remember to be thankful for it, no matter what.

this rings so true for me, after years of complaining about my "stupid human suit" or griping that my warranty expired a long time ago on this. i've been busy as seeing my body as weak and failing and incapable. if i would just turn that around and show it love, admire the positive and praise the right, maybe it will hear me, feel encouraged, and continue to get stronger and be the perfect nesting place for that soul i'm waiting on.


my visit with the acupuncturist herself in the evening was a downright amazing experience that lasted 2 1/2 hours. she took a detailed history of my body (because hey, i figure all the food sensitivity, allergies, pain, fatigue, arthritis, and endo are connected here). and she agreed. i'm already doing some things correctly (eating gluten free), but need to continue to make changes. my body is very "cold" but areas are overheated and dried out (poor ovarian reserve, hair loss) which indicates that things are flowing incorrectly. first and foremost, i am to cut non-fat or low-fat foods out of my diet entirely. instead, full fat milk for making my yogurt (or switch to keifer), eat walnuts (ugh, cashews aren't enough!), and no cold (temperature wise) foods. let things come to room temperature, or add ginger or cinnamon to something to help warm it. despite the endo, i am going to have to eat more eggs and meat. hot breakfasts are essential, as is no caffeine.

welcome to my first day without a coffee at the front of it. luckily, i did not fall asleep while driving to work.

so we reworked my green smoothie recipe, and i need to stop at the market tonight to pick up some probiotics and fish oil. after years of abuse, healing my digestive tract is key on this journey in order to get those poor ovaries some nourishment. stews are highly recommended for me, so i'm actually kind of pleased about that, because i have a weakness for stew. i did ask her to promise me i wouldn't weigh 200 pounds at the end of this with adding back all the missing fat from my diet, and rich foods. did i mention duck? duck is highly recommended for me. mmmmm. . .

oh, and she also said i am in need of illegal substances. huh? yin tonics, that are of course, banned. but there are herbs and tonics for yin that can still be used, so i'll be going on a course of those as well to help feed those deep asleep eggs.

my poor sleep habit and inability to stay asleep is a sign of a fiery heart, something she confirmed on inspecting my tongue. i was about to make a wise-crack about any signs of a broken heart when she commented instead "also deep heartbreak and loss." ouch. it's a defense when i mock it, but it just stings coming from elsewhere.

the needle treatment itself was an amazing feeling. she put in a fertility meditation cd for me, and covered my legs (which were bare) and left me for close to 45 minutes. as soon as she had started locating the points and needling my legs, my gut quickly responded with gurgles and shifts. she said that was just what we were going for. four pins int he center of my belly immediately went from electrical charge to spreading warmth. i was amazed that my bare legs and feet, usually so cold were warming and comfortable as well. and as my gut stopped making its noises, i instead felt pressure and shifting right at my right ovary. the entire time of me meditating was feeling and focusing in on that constant activity. something definitely woke up and got some energy.

to say i was mellow and relaxed but also energized and hopeful after the session would be an understatement. also the sudden rush of cervical fluid as i walked out of the office helped to bolster that feeling. ;) it was late when i got home, but i put myself on a plan of getting myself right to bed and falling asleep (new rule -- lights out at 10!); everything else would have to wait until tomorrow.

i had the strangest, heaviest sleep i can ever remember. i woke up completely and figure my alarm must be ready to go off any second. i checked the clock, and it was only 3:50. six hours of sleep felt like 12, and i was disturbingly alert. i made my self snooze until my 5.15 BBT alarm. the change in sleep alone is enough to make me want more of the experience, and i hope this carries through until i get back next week.

so fingers crossed, and now focused on keeping things compartmentalized - worry about work while at work while at work; worry about personal stuff while at home.