December 6

A date that now has significance, and I don't know if it is better knowing, or not knowing.

I'm a mom. But not your usual mom. I'm not making long-term plans and wishes. My precious little bundle is a temporary one, and I have learned to live in the moment. I live for those evening hours where we fall asleep curled into each other, feeling her soft breath on my throat, her tiny arms stretched to reach around each side of my neck. I let myself settle in to share her pre-bed-time nap, shutting out all cares of a messy and cluttered house, and a school semester that is kicking my ass. Just these moments, these are the ones that matter. They confirm what a happy, joyous little bean she is.

She belly laughs, she smiles, she sings in an impossibly high register. She flirts, she watches, her moss-green eyes missing nothing. We giggle and talk back and forth, and most of all, we both sigh as darkness falls, and we are reunited after a day apart, able to snuggle down into each others warmth.

You can only live for the moment, because it is all so tenuous. She doesn't know this, but I do.

She doesn't know the legal craziness her case is tied up in, but I do. I shake my head, I make calls to push and advocate. I clamor to know her guardian ad litem. Words like "permanency planning" make my heart leap with a sudden excitement and hopeful possibility. Until I'm reminded things are just "routine" and have no special meaning in this case. At least not yet.

There is an army of supporters sending out prayers. And two case workers nearly as passionate as I am. They've not seen us in those sleepy evening hours as the world fades away and we just simply are to each other, but they read the effects of it. On her. On me. Even my most feeble cry of frustration and advocacy are echoed by them.

Echoed in a way I didn't expect. "When was birth-mom's last visit?" There is a sudden counting out of months to six. December 6."We will file to terminate parental rights due to abandonment on that date. She will be available to adopt."

It is kind of stunning spoken reality of my greatest hope, something I didn't think possible. So soon. Really, so soon!

Oh, it isn't without a catch, without a chance for it all to evaporate into thin air. One simple phone call from birth-mom, and that goes away, a clock resets, and we are back into limbo. So maybe it was better not knowing, being able to live in just those moments, and not thinking ahead, not worrying, not wondering what is going to happen tomorrow, did anything happen today I don't yet know about.


And you expect me to pay attention to a lecture on heart failure and EKGs.

12 weeks

And a couple days. :) But this past Wednesday marked someone's 12 week mark, and holy cow, it just amazes me how much she does for 12 weeks! Sleeps like a champ through the night (even as I grab her out of the bassinet to give her a diaper change as I head to bed at midnight-- she sleeps right through it).

Right now, she is hanging out in her jumper. Yes, a jumper at under 3 months because this girl needs to kick her legs!. So with the help of one of my crazy-thick text books under it, she is able to bounce about and get the lights and music to play and giggles herself silly. She lasts about a 1/2 hour until she exhausts herself into a sweat and needs to come out to snooze.

Which would be about now. Hold on....

Okay, we are both back now and she is intently watching my fingers on the keyboard. She loves this.

Other favorite activities these days are shoving both fists in the mouth at once. And did I mention she is a champ at peeing all over you, her and the changing table? I think she has 2 bladders. She got me the other night at the midnight diaper change, squirting up a huge fountain and soaking everything. Then just as everything was cleared away, I had her washed up and clean sleeper and diaper pulled out, she peed yet *another* fountain. I'm looking at her saying, there is no way in your big belly you have room for that much pee! And certainly not twice.

But this kid is talented. Her biggest talent though is charming everyone around her with he laugh, smile and just how stinkin' happy she is every minute of the day. Honestly, I have never met such a constantly cheerful little monkey. I've told her she's completely spoiled it for any other munchkin that has to follow in her footsteps. Not going to lie, I'm pretty spoiled right now!

I haz a purchase!

Ooooh, I got home this morning to this sitting on my porch waiting for me:

Mwahahahaha! I have been craving this stroller for months, playing this video review of it nonstop, and watching prices on eBay and Amazon and elsewhere for a steal.

Lately, talk of travel out of town with the peanut in tow finally pushed me over the edge. Plus, I think my mom was very jealous of my Snap N Go frame I had been using as compared to the G.raco travel system I picked up for her, I was hoping she would get to snag the Snap N Go.

Well, we've been playing all evening in the house with this stroller and both the peanut and I LOVE it. Worth every penny!! I don't find it heavy when folded at all -- probably because I've been toting around peanut who is approaching Brazil nut (did I mention 13 pounds on the dot at her 2 month check up which was 4 weeks ago?).

But the stroller is fabulous, she loves the seat option, loves the pram option, and damn, I'm going to have to get some kind of a social life that involves me out and about walking with this thing!

Worst mommy ever?

I feel like such a bad mommy, sitting with bebe on my lap as we cruise youtube videos of babies laughing so she can giggle, smile and kick her legs. She is so amused !

And having her giggle right now is a good thing. We have our first touch of Daycare Crud going on. Kiddo has a tendency to be stuffed up deep in the sinuses, but yesterday morning she sounded like a regular Snuffleupagus when she woke up. Unfortunately, it's all so high up, I can't even suction anything out for her. And she has the upset tummy with explosive diapers. So far I've done the steamy bathroom bit, and of course, Grandma El's on the butt. And trying to keep her upright most of the day to promote drainage and encouraging much napping. Her mood is a bit improved over yesterday when her usual fussy to full on cry fuse vanished so that we started right out in inconsolable. Poor thing was a confused by this development as she was to feeling crappy.

Oooh, we have a sneeze with snottage! We are off to see if there is more we can finally suction outta there.....

2 months!

I just realized as I wrote the date down today that is has been 2 months since I picked up my little wiggle-butt from the hospital. What a two months it has been! Accomplishments include:

• Sleeping through the night (week 4!)
• Not spitting up (except when Bebe overfeeds her which has been a while)
• Expressing her hatred of heat and humidity
• Shoving her fist in her mouth
• Letting out a loud scream of frustration when said fist will not fit all the way in mouth.
• The most hysterical lilting "ooooh!" when she hears/sees something she really likes. Fun when reading or singing to her.
• Giving the biggest smiles ever, even when waking up with a wet diaper and empty belly at 5 am.

Speaking of singing, I just serenaded her with a silly rendition of "One" from A Chorus Line (hey, knowledge of the classics of Broadway is crucial!) as I was changing her and had her in a constant state of a face-splitting grin and squeals of laughter.

Yeah, and you think I'm going to get homework down with this kind of audience around?

~*~*~*~*~

Again, I wish I could post pictures because for her actual two month birthday last week, I managed to get the most incredible photo of her. Asleep of course since school just wore us out and being awake for a photo shoot was not going to happen. But I promise you, I'm not one to brag about my photog skills (which I do have), but this picture rocks, and is going to be printed up on a canvas no matter what.

Trying to get back on the blog-wagon

Anyone still out there? Not only have a been a bad blogger, I've been a terrible reader. Chalk it up to not being able to handle one more "I got my BFP!!!!!" post on the blog-roll several months back.

Well, that and life being crazy.

In case you've paid attention to this feed at all today, you may have seen a couple posts go up earlier in the day. They should be back dated to May, as I'm trying to catch up on some news that needs to be posted here. Suffice to say, a foster-baby has found her way to this nest and been here exactly 8 weeks as of today. We are in a holding pattern of waiting to hear from another state regarding a kinship relocation for her (which hurts dreadfully as she has been such a perfect fit for me and my entire family). But I'm each day as it passes.

So give me some time over this weekend, and I'll try to get a few more back-dated posts in with details and all the rest. :)

Someone is having a hard time figuring out what she needs to settle herself tonight thank goodness for the moby wrap. We had a day packed full of non-stop activity, and 11 pm tends to be the witching hour for her, so she's just overwhelmed at the moment. We finally seem to be having some quiet moments,

I of course am now wide awake. and yet to work on my clinical writing for class that I really needed to do yesterday. Not that I really mind having a reason to procrastinate.

Could someone go empty cat boxes for me right now? I don't want to break this moment of calm.

~*~*~*~*~*~

[A] remains the absolute easiest baby, and is high up on the cutest thing ever ranking. my CF social worker was out for a visit today and had more information on birth mom, which I won't be sharing on a public forum. SUffice to say she has an extensive history in another state, and [A] has 5 siblings. This will be a kinship placement, but with family out of state, so an ICPC is in the works. Unfortunately, no real timeline on how long it will all take.

So we will continue to enjoy the time we have. And I'll continue to be so thankful so such a sweet and easy girl for my first ride on this merry-go-round.