Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I know, it has been a while

And much has happened.

For as much as A knows, it has all been good.  Standing unsupported.  First step.  Holding off walking until starting unsupported mobility with a toddler-run.  Wonderful and nummy finger foods.  Words and pointing and learning.  Cuddles, and snuggles, and her favorite person on earth, me.

FOr me, I have all that good.  But several weeks ago the unthinkable happened, and I heard State B approved Distant Relative's home for placement.  State A shrugged said nothing to do.  No more hearings, no appeal, done deal.  Get ready to say goodbye.

I immediately offered weeks of time to sped in State B to allow A to acclimate and bond with this new family and crowded situation, numb to the reality that this was.  But first, Distant Relative would have to come visit in State A.  After all, Distant Relative (DR) had been clamoring to do so on a weekly basis.

Until reality, I guess.  Oh no, DR can't come to State A; DR has too many children to look after.  Oh, and I would not be part of the transition, as I was "too attached" to A.  Instead, a stranger would take her to State B.  There would be 1 hour long supervised visit at DR's home, and two additional 1 hour unsupervised visits, and then that was it.

This is when I woke from my trance.  First with screaming and wracking sobs, and then, quickly, anger and rage.

I have a lawyer.  I'm fighting.  Kinship placement or not, I will never be convinced the trauma being planned for this 14 month old child who is happy, safe, settled, attached and secure is in any why shape or form "in her best interest."

It's a dangerous and potentially losing battle.  But I will go down swinging with every last breath of my body to protect this little girl, and to stop the perpetuation of the cycle that created her birth mom.  I want to know why I have been lied to about every hearing date, why facts about DR seem murky, why DR would honestly refuse photos and progress reports on A, why can I not meet or talk to DR, and why this placement with family was not handled properly and timely in the first 3 months as it should have.  Well, I pretty much know why (federal $$$ reimbursement for placing a child with a relative), but I want the court to look me in the face and tell me why it is going to let a 14 month old child have her psyche destroyed and be whored out in order to get that money.

If DR truly and honestly has one sense of love and care for this child, they would want to know she is safe and secure and happy, and not want to rip her from the love and unending affection she is subject to.  I am never going to deny A her birth family.  I want and need her to know DR and her ever-increasing number of half-siblings, and her birth mother.  It will play as part of her identity as she grows up.  But why must it be done by creating a huge scar across her soul, stunting her intellectual growth and risk creating birth-mom-part-deux in 16-18 years.

Pray for us.  Burn incense.  Chant spells.  Light candles.  We need your love and guidance, and most especially the court needs to just pause one moment, let me present the facts I have, and weigh them.  And hopefully, hopefully, see the fragile, blooming human soul that hangs in the balance and truly does what is in her best interest.


  1. I can not imagine the absolute nightmare you're going through right now. If she were going to be going to a good home, a stable home, and be allowed to see you, it would be hard enough. But the way it is now? I just can't imagine.

    Prayers being said, spells chanted, incense burned and candles lit for you both.

  2. My heart aches for you & for what A may have to go thru. It kills me that if this all goes thru, A will probably not remember the wonderful woman (you) who fought so hard for her & her well being. I absolutely hate that this is the way the system works.

    Praying the courts can look beyond $$$ & truly do what is best for A.

  3. Oh this is heartbreaking. I am rallying all of the best wishes I can think of for you. Please let us know if there is anything we can do.

  4. Still sending love and positive thoughts, prayers, everything your way!

    My understanding of the fed dollars being paid out to states is that the state has to "attempt" placement within the family, but not that they have to absolutely place the child with family in order for the state to get the funding. It seems really bizarre that they would REQUIRE family placement without actually, seriously considering whether it was right for the child. I mean, I know the states can be a little batshit sometimes with the way they do things and make decisions, but to *require* placement within the family just for the sake of it being family doesn't seem safe, logical, always in teh child's best interest, reasonable...I could go on.

    You know, it makes me really angry...for you, and for all the other parents out there who could really make a loving, amazing home for a child and yet have to give the child up to some extended relative, or relative through marriage, just because they some how are "related". Makes absolutely no sense.

    I think you and I need to start a revolution and lobby to change the legislation on this. It's really, really ridiculous.

  5. So sorry you are going through this right now! I'm glad for A that all she knows are happy times with you.
    I will send thoughts and pray for you both that the system will see and do what is truly best for A!!!

  6. What a totally broken system! I hope you totally kick their @ss!!

    She needs you. <3 Doing everything I can think of out in the universe to make this happen for you.

  7. Ugh I'm so incredibly sorry to hear you are having to go through this. I've had interaction with the foster care system in my state and honestly they suck - nothing seems to ever really be in the best interest of the children. I'm glad that you aren't giving her up without a fight, someone should fight for whats best for her.

  8. I will never understand reunification with family when it comes at the expense of a child's well being. I am so angry and sorry this is happening. The American social service system is so screwed up. My heart is aching for you. You're damn right I am lighting candles, chanting and burning incense.

  9. So sorry you are going through this. I will be praying that the courts will see what this will do to her and make a better decision.

  10. What an absolute nightmare...and what trauma for the baby girl.

    I am so sorry for the justice system to be such an ape.

    ...here from LFCA.

  11. Here from LFCA and sending lots of support. This is an awful situation and it makes me so sad and so angry, the way our government treats our kids. Thinking of you and your baby girl and hoping she gets to stay right where she is.

  12. Here from LCFA. I will light a candle today and send the light out to you. This situation sounds so unfair.

  13. Been there. Multiple times. Although we never hired a lawyer as we didn't have any of our kids as long as you have. Email me if you need to talk.

    Here from LCFA...

  14. Sending prayers and thoughts your way. Hang in there.

  15. PRAYING for YOU and A. I wish I didn't know the hell you are in, but I do... and I am praying! FIGHT for that BABY!!!! I'm behind you!!!