one of the women on the SMC mail list shared a mantra she used while going through the TTC journey, and it really put word to the thoughts that fill my meditation. as a reminder to myself to make this my mantra, i decided to combine it with one of my favorite photos of a very longed and fought for child.

it is printed out and i can't stop looking at it.

for those of you on this crazy TTC with me, please feel free to snag and use as you need.

favorite things

i love every other night when i get to warm my tummy with the castor oil compress and heating pad. i'm just a puddle of happy, blissful, unstressed goo right now.

i wish i could do it every night, but we want to warm and waken the eggs, not bake them...

and yes, when i'm not nodding off to sleep, i will share the super supplement green smoothie for goddesses.

let's get this show on the road

as of today, the break is over. actually, learned this last night as i was late racing out the door to massage. well, that was a bit early and unexpected, but explained the mystery tummy ache all day as well as the sneak-attack by a two hour nap. instantly, the horde of butterflies was back in my belly. but seeing as a very special and dear friend confirmed her pregnancy yesterday morning, i'll take the signs where i can find them. after all, if this amazing woman can achieve it, then so can i!

i will confess that this month off to heal the body has been rough and not full of all positive signs as i expected. my temps in my leutal phase were just a bit too scattered for my (and my acupuncturist's) taste. and i just felt "off" the entire month. i'm hoping that this is all due to a massive case of seasonal allergies (oof, it has been a *rough* spring in the northeast!) playing haywire with my antihistamine free body.

so i'm on migraine watch today, and so far, so good. i'll be seeing the acupuncturist on thursday, and also starting the clomid that day. and i promise to be diligent about my yoga practice this month. i mean it!

despite last month's rocky road of time off, i did have one huge confirmation of things heading in the right direction at my annual gynie check. Dr. D. is such a sweetie, and my biggest (okay, well one of many) cheerleader by far. after the nurse confirmed the 25 pound weight loss since last year (go me!), and my blood pressure checked in at a cool 90/60, Dr. D. walked in and said that he had spotted me walking in the office and had to do a double take. "You look 5 years younger than you did when I saw you last year. That means one thing -- it's the big E." yes, after years of trying to suppress my body's over-abundance of estrogen to keep the endo at bay, it is now ramped back up and in his words, causing a "glow of fertility" in my skin and face. and also helping to nip my waist back in. it's playing hell with me being able to keep my too large jeans in place, but i'll take it!

Dr. D. is pleased as punch to hear of my work with the acupuncturist, and wanted to make sure that i was still working with her during my break. he was also thrilled with Dr. W.'s news on my progesterone numbers, and that i went from being a poor responder to an awesome responder in a mere month. he reminded me that he referred me to her because she is a realist, but that when she is pleased and happy with something, it is huge.

so here we are, ready to try again. and with everyone around me suddenly pregnant, i'll remind myself of the big goal when i dawdle over eating my walnuts (yes, they are still ick to me), or hesitate to dive into eating that avocado half. thank goodness my green smoothies remain a tasty wonder of supplements... hmm, i should really share that recipe!

my body mocks my decisions

seeing as i wasn't really conformable with the OPKs last cycle, part of taking this cycle off was to get more used to using them and reading them.

but i am not amused with the fact that i get my LH surge on mother's day. way to go in making me think i was wrong in taking this cycle off from trying. if is had been before 8:30 am (and not 9:00 am), i probably would have called the REs to have them prep my vials and schedule the IUI for today and tomorrow, not being on clomid be damned.

oh, well. time to do some stress reducing yoga instead and stop doubting myself. and reading too much into signs and portents....

changes and charges

i had my first violent hormonal migraine attack in more than 10 years. despite three days of being in pain, puking, and doping myself out, i'm taking this as a positive sign that something somewhere in my hormone levels is shifting back to the young and fertile category.

but i'll tell you, all i wanted was an ice-cold regular Coke to guzzle down and chase away the sharp edge of the pain. but between the sugar, the caffeine (oh, that silver bullet for my migraines) and the ice-cold temp, it was a no-no. not that i'm so sure the migraine meds were much better.

despite this crazy all meat, full fat eating that the acupuncturist has me doing, i stepped on the scale this weekend to discover another 5 pounds have vanished. i'm wondering if i really should go out and buy new pants and belts (i honestly look ridiculous with the way jeans are fitting of late) to help temp fate and getting pregnant. hmm, maybe i should also pull out the "fat pants" pile and go ahead and give them away instead of holding on to them for when i have a belly. this is obviously what is keeping me from getting knocked up....

but best news of all today was that the $720 bill i received for my HSG was an error. i called my insurance company since the explanation of benefits wasn't lining up with the bill amount. come to find out, i actually had three different claims for that date, she found the one that matched my bill, and confirmed that no, except for the $30 co-pay, they had paid it. called the hospital network billing department. they are completely befuddled as to why i got a bill since they are showing it submitted for a claim. they said to ignore the bill, i'm good for now.

ten minutes out of my day to make a couple phone calls, no big deal. especially pleased since the doctor was pretty sure i was going to have to pay for the procedure out of pocket, but come to find out, the insurance says it is diagnostic and not asking any questions. hurrah!