wow, look at that, a whole month and then some went missing up here. i've been a bit holed up in my head of late, struggling with finding time and energy to write. things have been both a whirlwind, and yet the same old boring things. work has mostly taken all my time, and i've been doing some soul-searching on that front and am contemplating a career change.

but that's not why you're breezing by to see if i'm still here.

let's see, long story wrap up from when we last left our intrepid heroine:

• i checked in with my gyn to discuss if endo was hiding and if another surgery should be undertaken. his conclusion is that no, no signs on sonograms or symptoms, and that the risk of surgery for me outweighed any possible benefit.
• i sent off saliva test for my full December cycle to get a full hormone analysis. came back with classic estrogen dominance, to the point that i should not be ovulating as regularly and nicely as i do. but it explains why i was not able to hold onto the egg that fertilized in December -- my progesterone levels are good, but the estrogen is still higher.
• did testing for my adrenals which came back showing major burn-out. classic signs of long term high stress. shocking. absolutely shocking. < /sarcasm > am now on some herbs for adrenal support. my reaction (or rather, my lack there of) to high stress moments now is just amazing.
• did a full herbal cleanse from Blessed Herbs. wow. that was amazing, and felt incredible. i feel like i've completely reset my body, and last month's BBT chart was one of the best i've had this past year.
• was supposed to try another IUI this cycle, but the bank didn't have any IUI sampled ready until *this* month for both my #1 and #2 choices. argh!
• not trying this month may have worked out for the best. at the very end of my cleanse and the start of this cycle, i got hit with a nasty cold. i'm still rather miffed by that -- i haven't had a cold in probably 15 years. i get the flu, i have allergies, but i simply don't get colds.
• i broke down and bought the circle+bloom meditation series. this is another wow. absolutely love it. have never had such a powerful and effective guided meditation experience. the relaxation i'm able to achieve in my body is just amazing.
• started this cycle trying an herbal protocol for the estrogen dominance. unfortunately, i don't think it agreed with my body. i got tossed into a chronic daily migraine cycle, anxiety, depression, mood swings, and just feeling sick and unhappy. i decided to listen to my gut this week and stopped it. 48 hours later, and i am beginning to feel like myself again.

so, that's about where we are. i went ahead and purchased 4 vials of #1 donor in IUI, so i won't get caught not being able to try again. CD20 right now, so should probably drop the midwives a note to let them know i'll be back in circulation next month.

now, to see if i can accomplish the new mission of keeping this spot actually updated in a timely manner...

no gift under my tree this year

i'm still busy processing much of last week/this past weekend while quietly throwing a temper tantrum about the suckage that is my job.

my nice high temps plummeted last Friday. AF arrived earlier than I expected on Saturday. by Sunday I was bleeding more than I ever had, complete with clots. early miscarriage? yeah, all signs point to it.

i'm back to feeling like I'm stuck with a broken body. estrogen dominance is now wrecking havoc on my luteal phase and causing implantation issues. the huge fear of running out of time is looming over me.

and once again the acupuncturist brought up the "elephant in the room": another surgery for the endometriosis.

it's been 12 or 13 years since my last lap. i'm pretty much asymptomatic except for the fact i can feel every centimeter of my large bowel (painfully so) and my estrogen remains through the roof.

I'm benched for this cycle as we try and balance things out and await the complete hormone panel. and though i don't want more downtime, i know that my acupuncturist is right about the surgery. so much so, i'm going to call my gyn right now for an appointment to talk to him about it, and see if he would be willing to go in for a third time.

i had so wanted to be able to tell my parents they would be grandparents for a gift this holiday. sometimes i think wanting something so much just seems to make it impossible.

planning, planning, planning

well, this cycle off is beginning to draw to a close, and i'm trying to decide if i'm taking next cycle off as well, or if i'm ready to jump back on the wagon.

emotionally, i am more than anxious to be back in the game. dreams, thoughts and desires for this to finally work are haunting me. i'm selfishly cranky and annoyed when i hear of someone else's good fortune of a BFP (most especially when when i feel that individual is clueless and a walking train-wreck and gets a BFP on the first try -- wtf?). basically i'm exhibiting all the healthy signs of a tryer.

physically, this cycle was not as picture perfect on paper as i wanted. despite having a nice long follicular phase, another long and strong LH surge, and feeling a lot of activity on my ovary, that magnificent temp spike i usually get was missing. a spike of any sort was missing. the only thing i can speculate about is that my bum right ovary somehow interfered with the development of a nice corpus lutem (endo scar tissue interference?). that is, if i was even able to ovulate on that side, and the follicle wasn't trapped under the endo scared portion of the ovary. i know i develop follicles on that side, despite the fact the ovary is only half the size of the left. but the scaring is a huge issue.

so part of me is thinking maybe i should take off another month and see what another "natural" cycle looks like. my bank account wouldn't mind a break either to recover and save up for more frozen pop. but, i did hear back from a midwife who very much wants to work with me, so that too makes me all the more anxious to jump back into the game.

of course i'm also trying to figure out the long-term game plan at the same time. how many more natural IUIs with the midwife do i give myself? two? three? at what point would it be wise to just suck it up and head back to the RE factory and dive into debt with meds, scans and push my body to the limit? it's tough because i've followed a lot of journeys these past few months of medicated cycles that have resulted in BFPs. i wish there was some way to know what was the right way for my body. some kind of road sign in flashing neon that says "success this way."

life is never that easy.

this is also the first day in over a week that's i've actually felt human. i've been down with the flu this last week (another reason to stay on the bench next cycle?). rather humiliating given all my healthy living, eating and supplements, but i suppose sometimes there is no escaping a determined virus.

i suppose i'll suss it all out this week as i talk to the acupuncturist, and finally call the midwife back -- now that my voice has returned.

CD1. again.

well, a couple hours after i posted yesterday, i realized, hey, wow, these are some pretty intense cramps. yep, AF decided to make a late afternoon appearance, and with a force which only confirmed my suspicions that the endo is back and spreading. so i went ahead and called over to the clinic to schedule the baseline scan. turns out the RE has also requested a follow up consult with me, so that is scheduled as well. Friday will be a day started and ended at the clinic, with my scan at 7 am, and the RE appointment at 4 pm.

at least yesterday i got to end the day with acupuncture. let me tell you, acupuncture on the day you start your period with craps from hell is an amazing and wonderful thing. once she got the needle "zinging" and the heat lamp centered on my belly (oh dear goddess, yes) i was left alone with my thoughts that were still going a million miles an hour.

i had filled in Dr. G (my acupuncturist) on my thoughts and ideas of doing things at home, possibly on a natural cycle, just with a heck of a lot more herbs. she of course is all for that. she also let me know that she knows several local gynies who will do natural (unmedicated) IUIs if for some reason that is a better option. but right now, i'm going to focus on CM this cycle, and start getting that in better shape. she's convince that even at my age, it is possible.

so even though i'm usually out like a light during acupuncture, the brain was just too full and busy last night. took a lot of time and listening to the meditation playing to finally get myself to calm and start to drift. of course by then, Dr. G was back, and had me roll over o she could do some work on my low back for the end, which is clearly back in its favorite haunts of the back of uterus and my bowels.

all i can say is no cramps today, and i slept absolutely blissfully last night. i feel much better than i did on monday. yeah, it ended up being rather rough on monday, most likely because the massage therapist said the wrong phrase to me in what was an attempt to comfort, but it just shreds me to little pieces: "it wasn't meant to be." thanks. i don't like having to suck that up in hole left by a missing relationship in my life; i'll be damned if i have to live with that for another hole where a relationship with a child should be.

so at least last night i was able to remind myself that i was not broken, and this cant be forced. it is simply abut being open and healthy and ready, and letting it happen. another cycle, back on all the supplements, and ready to grow some more healthy eggies.