Houston, we have a problem

my head is sore from banging it on my desk.

yesterday morning, i had a mild heart attack as my BBT jumped from a 97.6 to 98.2 -- nicely over my coverline. except that we were on CD6. i nervously figured maybe my allergies were bothering me, or i was sick. still, in talking to the bank yesterday with the when to ship question, i asked the all important, what happens if i have an anovulatory cycle? they said shipping back was not problem, so i felt better.

until this morning when my BBT registered at 98.4.

for those who like to play along at home, let's look at this cycles temps so far:

97.7 / 97.8 / 97.3 (nice, looking good here) / 97.3 / 97.6 / 98.2 / 98.4

it doesn't look like an anovulatory cycle with the ping-pong ball bouncing all the hell over the place. instead it looks like a nice strong ovulation. a week early.

WTF?

i should probably add to the discussion that this past menstruation was the most pathetic excuse for a period ever. TMI warning: 2 days light brown spotting. again with the WTF. i had a chemical pregnancy. shouldn't i at least get a decent flow? never mind the fact i haven't had a red, strong period since beginning this craziness back in March.

(and yes, before you ask, i did another HPT this morning just in case and because i'm on all these not-while-preggers supplements. BFN, so it's not that.)

i'm blaming clomid. it's the only thing i can figure out. i went from lovely normal, regular cycles to pathetic, limp ones. i know it can completely dry you out and thin the uterine lining, so that has to be what happened. my previous "break" month back in May was a bit scattered and not that great. besides, i get to blame the clomid for the raging back acne which is only now finally starting to subside.

which means, i think i'm calling the bank again in a couple hours and telling them that we are having to scrub this month. i had been thinking i should give my body a month break after the clomid to get a "normal" cycle back under its feet. i think my temps are just confirming what was in the back of my head, and i need to slow down with the omg it's now or never! i must get pregnant! rush.

but if anyone has some insight or theories or can reassure me things can get back to normal and that the 4 cycles of clomid didn't blow out the last remaining eggs i had, i would really love some feedback.

i keep grasping at the small positives: my skin is amazing right now (hasn't been like this since i was a teen -- yeah i had gorgeous skin as a teenager), my hair and nails are growing like weeds, my body feel wonderful, and my boobs are up another cup size. i'm not sure if the last one is a positive or not, since i'm kind of at a loss with what to do with them, but i figure its a sign that somewhere, some hormone is happy and making my body at least look all fertile.

in the meantime, focusing on my yoga breathing and doing a heck of a lot of forward bends today to combat the stress of this all.

CD1. again.

well, a couple hours after i posted yesterday, i realized, hey, wow, these are some pretty intense cramps. yep, AF decided to make a late afternoon appearance, and with a force which only confirmed my suspicions that the endo is back and spreading. so i went ahead and called over to the clinic to schedule the baseline scan. turns out the RE has also requested a follow up consult with me, so that is scheduled as well. Friday will be a day started and ended at the clinic, with my scan at 7 am, and the RE appointment at 4 pm.

at least yesterday i got to end the day with acupuncture. let me tell you, acupuncture on the day you start your period with craps from hell is an amazing and wonderful thing. once she got the needle "zinging" and the heat lamp centered on my belly (oh dear goddess, yes) i was left alone with my thoughts that were still going a million miles an hour.

i had filled in Dr. G (my acupuncturist) on my thoughts and ideas of doing things at home, possibly on a natural cycle, just with a heck of a lot more herbs. she of course is all for that. she also let me know that she knows several local gynies who will do natural (unmedicated) IUIs if for some reason that is a better option. but right now, i'm going to focus on CM this cycle, and start getting that in better shape. she's convince that even at my age, it is possible.

so even though i'm usually out like a light during acupuncture, the brain was just too full and busy last night. took a lot of time and listening to the meditation playing to finally get myself to calm and start to drift. of course by then, Dr. G was back, and had me roll over o she could do some work on my low back for the end, which is clearly back in its favorite haunts of the back of uterus and my bowels.

all i can say is no cramps today, and i slept absolutely blissfully last night. i feel much better than i did on monday. yeah, it ended up being rather rough on monday, most likely because the massage therapist said the wrong phrase to me in what was an attempt to comfort, but it just shreds me to little pieces: "it wasn't meant to be." thanks. i don't like having to suck that up in hole left by a missing relationship in my life; i'll be damned if i have to live with that for another hole where a relationship with a child should be.

so at least last night i was able to remind myself that i was not broken, and this cant be forced. it is simply abut being open and healthy and ready, and letting it happen. another cycle, back on all the supplements, and ready to grow some more healthy eggies.

excuse me, you are 36 hours early!

::insert string of expletives::

i have to tell you, there is nothing more fun than being half way up a rock climbing wall as a guneaia pig for a belay test and realize, uh, what was that feeling? and thinking, no, my cycles are regular. i have until monday.

and then trying to gracefully excuse yourself, unharness, head to the ladies room and bang your head against the wall for not having anything you need in your purse.

well, will be calling first thing monday morning for my Day 3 test on tuesday...