Friday, March 28, 2014

So many corners turned I'm lost in a labyrinth again

Grief is a living, breathing thing that once it is attached to you, never goes away.  The personality of it may change, the behaviors, even the wake and sleep cycle of this creature that lives inside of you, but it is always there, a heavy weight that for the most part, you get used to carrying around.

This is to say, I function.  I function quite well.  I'm told, "You look so good/so much better/almost normal" by a variety of people.  That is because I am used to sudden gaping holes that will open up before me and suck me into a dark pit of despair without warning.  you get good at hiding thing, at avoiding triggers, and avoiding family and friends when need be.  I guess it is evidence of a weird kind of bond you establish with your grief, your symbiosis as you learn to live again.

But those few more steps forward you start being able to take without the same number of steps back will get you somewhere.

This fall, it got me to finally call the local adoption agency I wanted to work with for my home study.  And in almost dizzyingly fast speed (when compared to foster parent training and home study), you are home study complete and ready to go find a baby.

And though you may dawdle out of fear, or whatever else might be causing upheaval in in life (we will not get into the whole job/family/health spiral of hell I've been having to wrestle with for over a year, but the move into the new year was just plain UGLY - Talk about a trigger for grief) you will eventually get to the point where you just lose it and scream, "I NEED MY BABY NOW DAMMIT!"  And that is your reminder of what in fact you have been pushing through everything else for.  And you have to convince yourself it is not a selfish want or need.  The very being of your self, that drive to be a mother, can't be selfish if it is what you are all about.

So spending time working on all that is involved in putting yourself out there in front of birth families isn't selfish.  And you SHOULD put it at the top of your list.

All that to say, I am wrestling with that which will leave me speechless, the "Dear birth mom" letter.

How do I even begin to sum up who I am, why I want to be a mom, and what an amazing future a child has by getting to be placed with me.

But here we are.

It was a long bit of wandering through a labyrinth I started walking at about 19 when I decided I would adopt a child someday.  It has been a long decade of "being serious" about trying to find my child.  But what I have learned on this journey, it has been invaluable.  I just wish there was a way I could share it with potential birth families out there.

1 comment:

  1. My heart breaks for what you have been through. I hope that you're chosen to adopt as instantly as possible. Any child would be so lucky as to find you as their mother. All is crossed for you.