Just because you have your feet in stirrups doesn't mean you have to take it lying down

Who is this person, and why is she posting on this blog that had long ago been marked as dead? I know, I know, but with all that came at me this fall, I think part of me had to hibernate to protect itself. But it doesn't mean I've given up. I've just been busy trying to find the right path to becoming a mom.

Of course, I'm no closer to figuring it out, but I figured I needed to at least surface one more time in 2010.

Also, if I didn't get down that quote for the subject, I was going to forget it. ;) And the context behind it that was my fight with the Big Huge Reproductive Medicine Center after I started to get bill, upon bill, upon bill for what I had put down an enormous deposit to cover, even though they said the cost would only be half that.

Oh, big medical offices, always finding a way to bill you for things NOT covered, never mind flat out LYING to you. Oddly enough, I knew this was the very reason that Dr. Wonderful and 3 of her colleagues were leaving BHRMC...

But, dear readers, I didn't take it lying down and hit back swinging. Do not mess with a woman on her 4th chemical pregnancy and with hormones completely out of whack from injectibles. I used my knowledge of the knock-down drag-out going on internally and got in some nasty punches. I also demanded that everything I was being charged for (twice -- they tried to charge me for everything twice!) be submitted to my insurance company for reimbursement, and marked as diagnostic. As expected, insurance did pay, and I suddenly had a refund for my deposit.

But it doesn't leave me any less skittish about these REs and their looking at our IF as a huge money making machine. It just makes the whole thing hurt even more. The desire seems so simple: a child to love. But what you do trying so hard to get there seems oh so unfair!

That is about where I am right now. Still hurting, still nursing my wounds, still wanting so badly, and not knowing what direction to go next in order to be knocked down again. I promise to try and stop by more often in the new year as I cautiously start this journey again.

drive-by posting

All my classes these days seem to be focusing on fertilized eggs and the growth of zygote to fetus. I never thought this would drive me batty, but yeah, constant reminders.

And I suppose I should also mention chemical pregnancy #4. An actual positive on the DPO12. Symptoms up the wazoo. But then suddenly, night sweats. I panicked, and rightly so. I checked again on DPO14 (which was before my scheduled beta) and it was negative. Beta day was mandatory with the new office, so it was not a good day. Anyway, it happened. It's over. I'm back to being crazy busy with other bits of life and rebuilding that shattered wall of my emotions, again hoping it is stronger than the prior walls I kept having to rebuild.

I remain in a holding pattern, hoping for an egg or frozen embryo to come my way. Have some interesting thoughts and debates on that. But right now, I really need to get back to class stuff.

nothing much going on

Figured I should at least update to say that I'm really not approaching this time as a 2ww. Which is why I didn't really want to post, because after how many times now, another BFN at the end of it -- or another nanosecond chemical pregnancy -- is just ... aggravating? Depressing? So I'm doing fine just going about my business as normal and not thinking about things. And honestly class-work and a flurry of exams have really helped with this.

Though I should mention that the day of IUI#7 (a Saturday) did not exactly go as smoothly as I had planned. Got to the hospital campus on time, parked in my sneaky little spot no one ever thinks to park in, and wandered over to the complex where the urologists office is located. And couldn't get in the building. Side doors locked and the automatic main entry refusing to open. Hello panic. Luckily I had the number of the office on my cell and was able to call, and left a frantic message for the lab saying, I'm here, it's 9:00am, you thawed my swimmers at 8:30 am, and I need to be inseminated STAT! I wondered if I should run over to the other bock and wind my way through the maze of buildings to get to one of the connector bridges that should let me in to the office complex. Luckily, the lab called me back right away and suggested I just force my way in the automatic door. "We don't know why, but security tends to turn them off on weekends, even though all the offices are open." o_0 So I got all muscly, and managed to crack open the auto door enough to squeeze through and raced up to the office.

Of course once up there, a rather snotty receptionist on duty handed me a stack of new patient forms to fill out. I looked at her and then back at the forms and informed her that I had already filled these out as part of the package from the RE's office I dropped off a couple weeks ago. And hi, not really a new patient. I'm just here to get knocked up. She curtly told me to fill out the forms.

Needless to say, I filled them out, blowing through most everything and not even caring about medication allergies since I wouldn't be getting any medications from them. I handed them back to SnotFace and she told me to have a seat and wait in the empty waiting room. At this point I informed her it was 9:15 am, the lab had thawed my sample at 8:30 am, and did she realize that sample had at best an hour lifespan after such thawing. SnotFace had the gall to try and give me attitude back, saying she needed to prepare a proper office file for me since no one had done it for her, and paperwork was required. I cut her off, emphasizing once again that hello, I ALREADY GAVE YOU THAT, and I'm only here to be for an insemination, so what the heck did they need to know about the history of my peeing?

At this point, a very cheerful face appeared behind SnotFace and slapped down a file folder with my name on it, and all my previously turned in paperwork, pointing out to SnotFace that I was right, I had handed everything in, and someone did prepare the office file as needed which SnotFace would have seen opened her eyes and looked in the proper place. Cheerful person then sang out that I was ready and please walk around to meet her in the hall.

As she guided me to room #7, she introduced herself as "J___, the nice one in the office." J. is a kick-ass RN, has struggled with infertility herself, and boy, did we have a great time talking about trying to get pregnant, office politics, and nursing school. Made that whole waiting with my legs up in the air just fly by. She honestly was insanely nice and such a delight. Helped to turn around my starting to stress over the whole situation.

But that is really the only thing of note since last checking in. Like I said, not even letting myself hold out any hope for this time around, and instead am seriously pursuing frozen-embryo adoption. After checking out several sites and clinics suggested by others, I am really sucked in my Miracles Waiting and the hope of an open donation. I love the idea of that connection and building a rather unconventional yet joyful extended family. As soon as finals for one of my classes settles down this week, I'll be getting my profile posted up there. That's where you can keep those lucky thoughts and crossed fingers focused! :)

ha ha, faked you out!

That would be my left ovary mocking me in the subject line. After 2 days of tightness, fullness and pain over my left ovary, I got up this morning (conveniently forgetting to take my temp) and it was ... gone. I headed off to my early morning sono and bloodwork with my emotions around my toenails.

Uber-cheerful Wandi (what I have dubbed the sonogram tech) tried to happily talk me down from my cliff ,asking if the sperm was in, and I ducked behind the curtain to jump into a sheet. She then talked to me through the reading, saying I had a big 20mm and another 14mm follie on my right ovary. Left ovary came into view ... with nothing. No follies, no fluid, no cysts.

Um, guys, what was all that commotion down there about?

And bugger, 2 follicles, only one of which useful. (but as Wandi reminded me with a big smile, but it only takes one!! ::grumble -- I don't want to hear it right now) I headed home to sulk and wait for the call from the RN on my lab results. I could tell with a 20mm one sitting there I was going to trigger tonight.

And so I did. My estrodiol was in the high 300s, and my LH was already at 18. Surging on Day 10. Great. Nice way to bake a healthy egg there, body. < / sarcasm > So I'll be heading over to the back-up location of the urology office that has the lab with my sperm tomorrow, and one of their RNs will do the IUI at 9:00am.

I'm not thrilled, with the IUI so soon after the trigger. Then again, I could be popping that follie at anytime, so who knows.

I'm going to get back to surfing for potential donor embryos to console myself.

okay, my body is responding to *something*!

I feel like my left ovary is going to explode. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed this is good, and that no follies decide to pop early or anything. Everyone behave until tomorrow's sonogram, you hear me?

Also, had to search to see if "raging uncontrollable libido" was listed as a side effect of Gonal-F. May go nuts over the next few days. Please forward any cute men with a lot of stamina to my address.

Oh, and just to finish up the TMI, can we say copious EWCM?

Obviously my fears that a medicated cycle would be too rough on my body and I wouldn't respond well were completely unfounded.

huh. Didn't expect that.

Then again, there were a lot of things last week I didn't expect. Like finally having enough of the strum und drang of the workplace drama and informing the powers that be that hey, I'm already a full time student, they don't have work for me, mind if I leave on Friday?

Of course any doubt I had of that decision soon was worn away. On my way to class Thursday (about an hour after saying, "yo, you all are crazy here! Move my lay-off date up please.") I got a call from the new RE's office. seems that my appointment scheduled on the 30th needed to be bumped up to the 23rd. Seeing as how I had been wondering how in the heck I was going to talk my way into being out of the office on the 30th, I know ad to figure out how to do it on the day I was leaving. Decided that a half day as my last day would be the perfect solution, and sure, I could be there for 11:30.

Of course I thought this follow up would be on the sad state of my body and talking over donor egg/donor embryo possibilities. Knock me over with a feather when new RE suggests we do on last IUI with injectables. Only a 5% chance, but in comparison to the other clinic I was going to, paying for all out of pocket (meds, monitoring, IUI) it was a bargain.

Mind, this was a snap decision that had to be made. I was on CD3 after having done a full 2 weeks of estrogen priming for the prior cycle. I was also freshly (and yet blissfully) unemployed. I was also caffeinated.

(Did I mention that after the call on my AMH number a couple weeks ago that charting, monitoring, and coddling my body had gone out the window?)

But then again, let's add up these signs:

1. appointment rescheduled for what happens to be my CD3.
2. I just quit a highly stressful and miserable making job.
3. I just did a cycle of estrogen priming.
4. I had one vial of IUI sperm left.
5. I had treated my body like crap for the last few weeks.

Yeah, I didn't need a sledgehammer to tell me let's go for it. This was the one last hurrah I wanted to give my body. Yet without the stress of IVF.

RE was quite amused with my shock and awe at all of this, and began to type of the blood requests and send off all the various forms that needed to run through the Big Practice system for pre-payment and all the rest. She then got a grin on her face and said, "Won't it be great if you get pregnant on this cycle?" Uh, yeah. Let's go with that thought.

So I got to hang around the office for the next hour or so as we did CD3 testing, met with nurse to go over injections, and got my samples of Gonal-F, info on the order that would be placed for me at the fertility pharmacy they use (complete with 2 for 1 Gonal-F pen special going on), how to get my sperm to the lab they use at the hospital campus for storage, and, oh, one last go at my veins as they realized all my virus testing was more than a year old and needed to be rerun. I didn't mind, but I felt bad for the techs since I had only had a coffee at 5:30 am, and oddly for me, did not suck down any water prior to getting there.

Looking back at the time there, and then down on the hospital campus to drop off my forms at the cryo lab there, I was *really* glad I wasn't having to freak out about getting back to work. Whew!

And yes, I am still researching donor embryos (really seems to be the way I want go), and will be following up with that this coming month big-time. I'm realistic about all this.

I'm on a low-stim protocol, with 150 of Gonal-F a night. I'll go back for an ultrasound and bloodwork on CD10. Ovidrel will be used to trigger. There was no mention of GnRH antagonists, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed my LH levels don't decided to do the wacky and start popping follies early.

Honestly, this fell into place to quickly and easily, I'm a little numb by it all. I think instead I'll focus on the rash of mid-terms I have going on this week.

a quickie

Just wanted to post a very heart-felt thankful for all the wonderful comments I've received. I Am okay, and I know that my baby, no matter how it gets here, is out there waiting for me. DNA has very little to do with it. After all, I did initially begin this whole pursuit thinking I was going the road of adoption. But I think the change to having the possibility of carrying my own child lit a little spark in me that was a wee bit stronger than I thought.

And being a gathering of our family and our identical looking faces this weekend added a fun little spin on it all. But I had my wine, I had my tears. Time to keep moving.

What I'm struggling now with is the stress of FINDING a donor egg or embryo. And not having to remortgage my house in order to afford it. Work blocking every non-business website these days is really cutting down on my research time! My sisters are all older than I am, and well past having any eggs themselves. I have some lovely nieces, but as someone said, I think that leads to some weirdness in the family! :)

The right little cell/collection of cells will come along. It is just being patient (not somethingI'm known for!) that is really hard.

Thank you again, for all the words of support. Where would I be without the internets?