11:11

Do you ever look at the clock and make a wish at 11:11? And 1:11? and 2:22? I do. And after only a couple days after she came to join me, there is only one thing I am wishing for in this world. Nearly every day I look up and see a clock with one of those magic strong of make a wish numbers and I pause, feeling my heart nearly burst with the will to make it come true.

Since the last update, I did manage to get in touch with A's guardian ad litem. We had a good conversation, and she was very polite, compassionate, and dare I say, positive sounding. The one thing she said that gave me hope was the phrase, "Even if State Y [where they are trying to send her] approves birth-mom's aunt for foster care, State X [my state] has some serious concerns regarding the size of the house and the number of children already in her care."

So does that mean that even if an ICPC is approved by the receiving state, the sending state can then sit back, look at the two potential placement options and NOT send a child to the "preferred custody" of birth family? That seems to be the 6 million dollar question right now, and no one knows the answer. It may be an answer that is up to the judge. And I know the judge this case is in front of does always favor birth-family.

My fingers are still crossed the whole thing is solved neat and easy with State Y saying, "Nope, not gonna work as a foster placement here," and she thus stays here.

I did ask the guardian ad litem for a home visit so she could meet A and actually know who she was arguing for, and she agreed to have the CASA (court appointed special advocate) social worker get in touch with me to schedule that. Within a week, the social worker had called me and came out for a visit. Again, she was a very positive and really wanted to know A. Happily A. was in good form, crawling over to pull herself up on the SW's legs, inspecting her rings, and joust doing this soul-searching gaze she has into the SW's eyes, before racing back to me and throwing herself into my arms to cuddle. Toys? Nah, she's not into paling with toys or being distracted by them, A is all about people and hugs.

I did print up about 5 photos to give to the SW to put in her file so the attorney and the judge would put a face to the case number, and the SW was thrilled -- which relieved me since I didn't know if I was being too ballsy. The SW has worked for CASA for 20+ years now, and when she came in, I started into my schpeel of the nonsense this case has been tied up with, then paused and said, "Wait, do you know her whole story?" as far as birth-mom, number of half-siblings and birth-mom's current situation. She wasn't sure so I started to tell her, and she immediately said, "Oh, yes, I remember this case! I've been doing this for decades so nothing phases me anymore, but this case actually made me sick and angry as I read it." Good. Please tell that to the judge!

So this is where we sit, waiting, wondering, praying until the permanency hearing on May 25. More and more A is bonded to me and her whole large family that has sprung up around us.

I'm trying to focus hard on the words a friend said about the craziness of this situation, and how clearly the Universe has declared her to be my child, because it isn't for "no reason" that birth-mom left State Y while 8+ months pregnant and gave birth to this child in State X. It was because A was meant to be my child. It has to be a sign that we both came together when we did given the crazy journeys we had each been on. Right?

hitting emotional exhaustion

Thanks for the comments and letting me rant. Funny How you can always find time to blog when things are crappy, but when they are happy and fun, you never get a moment. RIght now I'm just trying to keep myself from engaging in any retail therapy.

I did call the child advocate yesterday, but despite all my arguments, I was blown off with the answer that the state child protection agency was doing exactly what they were supposed to by promoting the reconciliation of A with her birth mom.

Wow. There are those three letters (WTF) again.

Told ya, birth parents rights always trump what may be the best interest of the kid. As I said to my private agency SW this afternoon, no one in this business wants to talk about the 600 pound elephant that is in the room, which is ::gasp:: reconciling with the birth family may NOT be in the best interest of the child.

Certainly wasn't for that 4 month old little boy last month who was returned to his birth parents, and is now lying in a coma with massive head injuries.

So I was so upset by yesterday's phone call and feeling defeated that I didn't call A's guardian ad litem (GAL), whose name I finally got. Then talked myself into feeling completely defeated and that there was no point. Luckily my private agency SW called to check in on me (and let me cry), and convinced me no, I need to call and ask for a home visit, or appointment so she can meet A. That I need to say this child is 10 months old, and I am the only mother she has know, this is her only family. Maybe things would feel different if there had ben regular family visits, or if my offers to be in contact with birth family and share photos and updates had been acted on. So I called and left a voice mail and will wait to hear back tomorrow. And if I don't, I will call again. And again. I will be that person.

In the meantime, I'm not sleeping. I'm either staying up until all hours doing weird OCD cleaning (i.e., I can organize the pantry and dust shelves no one sees, but I can't manage to vacuum) or just sitting up in the chair, snuggling with a sleeping A, trying to hold on to every minute I have to be with her. I'm trying to prepare myself by mentally packing a suitcase for her, figuring out what clothes she'll go home with, with toys, what ones I have to hold on to for my sake. I spent acupuncture this morning in a fitful doze, realizing I most likely could not handle another foster placement right away, and wondering if I ever could.

I want to hold on to hope that State Y will say no to the placement, but I also know that could be a very slim chance. No one understands why foster care and protective services run they way that they do. The only thing anyone involved understands in that there is always pain for someone involved.

drive-by posting

All my classes these days seem to be focusing on fertilized eggs and the growth of zygote to fetus. I never thought this would drive me batty, but yeah, constant reminders.

And I suppose I should also mention chemical pregnancy #4. An actual positive on the DPO12. Symptoms up the wazoo. But then suddenly, night sweats. I panicked, and rightly so. I checked again on DPO14 (which was before my scheduled beta) and it was negative. Beta day was mandatory with the new office, so it was not a good day. Anyway, it happened. It's over. I'm back to being crazy busy with other bits of life and rebuilding that shattered wall of my emotions, again hoping it is stronger than the prior walls I kept having to rebuild.

I remain in a holding pattern, hoping for an egg or frozen embryo to come my way. Have some interesting thoughts and debates on that. But right now, I really need to get back to class stuff.