okay, my body is responding to *something*!

I feel like my left ovary is going to explode. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed this is good, and that no follies decide to pop early or anything. Everyone behave until tomorrow's sonogram, you hear me?

Also, had to search to see if "raging uncontrollable libido" was listed as a side effect of Gonal-F. May go nuts over the next few days. Please forward any cute men with a lot of stamina to my address.

Oh, and just to finish up the TMI, can we say copious EWCM?

Obviously my fears that a medicated cycle would be too rough on my body and I wouldn't respond well were completely unfounded.

welcome to the challenge

the past couple days i've had a hint of the flu sneaking up on me to try and attack. i'm chalking this up to the fact that as a good little trying to become pregnant patient, i stopped taking my Wellness Formula supplement that is chock full of six million herbs and other stuff and has that big old warning of talk to your doctor if you are crazy enough to try and get pregnant, are pregnant or nursing. i hold full faith that those suckers are the reason i have not had a cold in the decade i've been taking them -- best things ever. so after leaving work yesterday feeling like i had been run over by a truck that then decided to park on my chest, i took a handful, crawled into bed and slept myself out.

but i did set an alarm to remind me to take my clomid for the first day of the challenge. expecting the worst of the side effects, i decided an evening take time would make more sense -- try and sleep off most of the effects. the result is ... not much. no violent mood swings (except i'm cheerful this morning -- what's up with that?), no dizziness since i was already dizzy with flu attack at the time i took it, and no nausea, since again, had already been present.

i did leave a message with the GP regarding the cymbalta question, and he's out of town at a conference, but the nurse said he'd call monday night. i did a ton more research and reading, and i have to say, i'm leaning towards asking to stay on, maybe at a reduced dose. i'm already on a low dose, but in all honesty, i think the benefits far outweigh the risks, especially as there is nothing to clearly prove that some of the risks are connected to the cymbalta. we'll see what he says, and i'll raise it with the RE again and get her take (and then later, the OB/midwife's take on it).

also started the pack of OPKs i picked up as the RE suggested. though why when i'm on a clomid challenge is beyond me. but at 5 am, i think the reason became clear -- it take a certain amount of skill and being awake to pee on a stick. this is obviously something to get me in practice for the coming months. . . .

to be anxious or not to be anxious

today is all about trying to figure out what i'm going to do with the fact that i'm currently on Cymbalta. yep, i admit it, i'm on an anti-depressant and in all honestly, love what it's done to my brain.

my GP put me on it thanks to that amorphous diagnosis of "fibromyaligia". chronic pain ,chronic fatigue and all that goes with it. from the start, there was a huge effect. the from o to bitch in .4 seconds reaction vanished. my freak-out factor dropped to almost non-noticeable (or in the doctor's words, i had become resilient). i was suddenly back to walking fast. the newly discovered pain in my hips and pelvis vanished. 20 pounds from my frame also vanished, as did my constant obsessing about food and when and what i was going to eat. my house got messy, and eh, that was okay, it was life. who was i, and what happened to the high-strung type A personality that used to live inside me? in all honesty, i don't care, i'm glad she's gone.

i'm now running regularly, without pain. my sleep is better, my energy levels increased, appetite down, and all the stress of work is bearable. i never thought i was an anxious person, but in looking at how i've changed, i think that i really am anxious. this little pill every morning has changed that for the better.

i also have this little lingering thought in the back of my brain that i would not have changed my mind to switch from the nightmare of adoption to IUI without the changes from the meds. my outlook on life has changed, what i can do, what i can handle. yeah, and my whole irrational fear of omg, i'll be fat if pregnant! is conquered. mostly. if i stop, where does this leave me?

but i'm faced with the fact that this is a class C drug and i want to get pregnant. now what?

in just my quick reading of research online, there is plenty of debate. many say don't take, many say if you need it, it should be continued. there is question of the effects in the third trimester, both with withdrawal symptoms on the mother, and whether it is causing low birth weight or breathing difficulties/underdeveloped lungs in the fetus.

when i said last week to the RE that i realized i'd have to come off it, she didn't confirm or contradict my statement. so i need to call my GP and discuss it with him, and ask him to also get me some back up one way or another on the research.

of course this means telling my GP of my plans, which will be interesting to see what his reaction is.

last year this would have caused me to immediately consume half a box of the girl scout cookies i just picked up. right now, i'm thinking of actually doing some work to procrastinate from calling the doc. ha!