I know, it has been a while

And much has happened.

For as much as A knows, it has all been good.  Standing unsupported.  First step.  Holding off walking until starting unsupported mobility with a toddler-run.  Wonderful and nummy finger foods.  Words and pointing and learning.  Cuddles, and snuggles, and her favorite person on earth, me.

FOr me, I have all that good.  But several weeks ago the unthinkable happened, and I heard State B approved Distant Relative's home for placement.  State A shrugged said nothing to do.  No more hearings, no appeal, done deal.  Get ready to say goodbye.

I immediately offered weeks of time to sped in State B to allow A to acclimate and bond with this new family and crowded situation, numb to the reality that this was.  But first, Distant Relative would have to come visit in State A.  After all, Distant Relative (DR) had been clamoring to do so on a weekly basis.

Until reality, I guess.  Oh no, DR can't come to State A; DR has too many children to look after.  Oh, and I would not be part of the transition, as I was "too attached" to A.  Instead, a stranger would take her to State B.  There would be 1 hour long supervised visit at DR's home, and two additional 1 hour unsupervised visits, and then that was it.

This is when I woke from my trance.  First with screaming and wracking sobs, and then, quickly, anger and rage.

I have a lawyer.  I'm fighting.  Kinship placement or not, I will never be convinced the trauma being planned for this 14 month old child who is happy, safe, settled, attached and secure is in any why shape or form "in her best interest."

It's a dangerous and potentially losing battle.  But I will go down swinging with every last breath of my body to protect this little girl, and to stop the perpetuation of the cycle that created her birth mom.  I want to know why I have been lied to about every hearing date, why facts about DR seem murky, why DR would honestly refuse photos and progress reports on A, why can I not meet or talk to DR, and why this placement with family was not handled properly and timely in the first 3 months as it should have.  Well, I pretty much know why (federal $$$ reimbursement for placing a child with a relative), but I want the court to look me in the face and tell me why it is going to let a 14 month old child have her psyche destroyed and be whored out in order to get that money.

If DR truly and honestly has one sense of love and care for this child, they would want to know she is safe and secure and happy, and not want to rip her from the love and unending affection she is subject to.  I am never going to deny A her birth family.  I want and need her to know DR and her ever-increasing number of half-siblings, and her birth mother.  It will play as part of her identity as she grows up.  But why must it be done by creating a huge scar across her soul, stunting her intellectual growth and risk creating birth-mom-part-deux in 16-18 years.


Pray for us.  Burn incense.  Chant spells.  Light candles.  We need your love and guidance, and most especially the court needs to just pause one moment, let me present the facts I have, and weigh them.  And hopefully, hopefully, see the fragile, blooming human soul that hangs in the balance and truly does what is in her best interest.

focus on the positive

I continue to live life with A to the fullest, enjoying every single moment.  I just wish there were more hours in my day to record those little milestones, and every single laugh and giggle.  Thank goodness for camera phones!

And I am proud to say that I held off 1 months before snapping a naked tush picture!  But the little imp last week got out of the bath and scooted away from me and the towel to go stand with the toilet acting as her support.  Has she not learned that my phone is always on me?  3 of the cutest shots ever....

We are the moment having our very casual and do nothing Sunday morning before I convince her to take a nap before a late lunch and then a run to the market.  Still in pjs, being silly and in to everything.  This morning we have perfected our "give me 5!"  A couple weeks ago we perfected the dramatic, sing-song "Uh oh!" and boy do we use it all the time.  This kid is going to have great comic timing.

Still no "mummy" but with the constant requests for hugs and snuggles and being her favorite toy on the room, who cares.  In the endless stream of excited babble that pours out of her, I know her word for mummy is in there somewhere.

11:11

Do you ever look at the clock and make a wish at 11:11? And 1:11? and 2:22? I do. And after only a couple days after she came to join me, there is only one thing I am wishing for in this world. Nearly every day I look up and see a clock with one of those magic strong of make a wish numbers and I pause, feeling my heart nearly burst with the will to make it come true.

Since the last update, I did manage to get in touch with A's guardian ad litem. We had a good conversation, and she was very polite, compassionate, and dare I say, positive sounding. The one thing she said that gave me hope was the phrase, "Even if State Y [where they are trying to send her] approves birth-mom's aunt for foster care, State X [my state] has some serious concerns regarding the size of the house and the number of children already in her care."

So does that mean that even if an ICPC is approved by the receiving state, the sending state can then sit back, look at the two potential placement options and NOT send a child to the "preferred custody" of birth family? That seems to be the 6 million dollar question right now, and no one knows the answer. It may be an answer that is up to the judge. And I know the judge this case is in front of does always favor birth-family.

My fingers are still crossed the whole thing is solved neat and easy with State Y saying, "Nope, not gonna work as a foster placement here," and she thus stays here.

I did ask the guardian ad litem for a home visit so she could meet A and actually know who she was arguing for, and she agreed to have the CASA (court appointed special advocate) social worker get in touch with me to schedule that. Within a week, the social worker had called me and came out for a visit. Again, she was a very positive and really wanted to know A. Happily A. was in good form, crawling over to pull herself up on the SW's legs, inspecting her rings, and joust doing this soul-searching gaze she has into the SW's eyes, before racing back to me and throwing herself into my arms to cuddle. Toys? Nah, she's not into paling with toys or being distracted by them, A is all about people and hugs.

I did print up about 5 photos to give to the SW to put in her file so the attorney and the judge would put a face to the case number, and the SW was thrilled -- which relieved me since I didn't know if I was being too ballsy. The SW has worked for CASA for 20+ years now, and when she came in, I started into my schpeel of the nonsense this case has been tied up with, then paused and said, "Wait, do you know her whole story?" as far as birth-mom, number of half-siblings and birth-mom's current situation. She wasn't sure so I started to tell her, and she immediately said, "Oh, yes, I remember this case! I've been doing this for decades so nothing phases me anymore, but this case actually made me sick and angry as I read it." Good. Please tell that to the judge!

So this is where we sit, waiting, wondering, praying until the permanency hearing on May 25. More and more A is bonded to me and her whole large family that has sprung up around us.

I'm trying to focus hard on the words a friend said about the craziness of this situation, and how clearly the Universe has declared her to be my child, because it isn't for "no reason" that birth-mom left State Y while 8+ months pregnant and gave birth to this child in State X. It was because A was meant to be my child. It has to be a sign that we both came together when we did given the crazy journeys we had each been on. Right?

hitting emotional exhaustion

Thanks for the comments and letting me rant. Funny How you can always find time to blog when things are crappy, but when they are happy and fun, you never get a moment. RIght now I'm just trying to keep myself from engaging in any retail therapy.

I did call the child advocate yesterday, but despite all my arguments, I was blown off with the answer that the state child protection agency was doing exactly what they were supposed to by promoting the reconciliation of A with her birth mom.

Wow. There are those three letters (WTF) again.

Told ya, birth parents rights always trump what may be the best interest of the kid. As I said to my private agency SW this afternoon, no one in this business wants to talk about the 600 pound elephant that is in the room, which is ::gasp:: reconciling with the birth family may NOT be in the best interest of the child.

Certainly wasn't for that 4 month old little boy last month who was returned to his birth parents, and is now lying in a coma with massive head injuries.

So I was so upset by yesterday's phone call and feeling defeated that I didn't call A's guardian ad litem (GAL), whose name I finally got. Then talked myself into feeling completely defeated and that there was no point. Luckily my private agency SW called to check in on me (and let me cry), and convinced me no, I need to call and ask for a home visit, or appointment so she can meet A. That I need to say this child is 10 months old, and I am the only mother she has know, this is her only family. Maybe things would feel different if there had ben regular family visits, or if my offers to be in contact with birth family and share photos and updates had been acted on. So I called and left a voice mail and will wait to hear back tomorrow. And if I don't, I will call again. And again. I will be that person.

In the meantime, I'm not sleeping. I'm either staying up until all hours doing weird OCD cleaning (i.e., I can organize the pantry and dust shelves no one sees, but I can't manage to vacuum) or just sitting up in the chair, snuggling with a sleeping A, trying to hold on to every minute I have to be with her. I'm trying to prepare myself by mentally packing a suitcase for her, figuring out what clothes she'll go home with, with toys, what ones I have to hold on to for my sake. I spent acupuncture this morning in a fitful doze, realizing I most likely could not handle another foster placement right away, and wondering if I ever could.

I want to hold on to hope that State Y will say no to the placement, but I also know that could be a very slim chance. No one understands why foster care and protective services run they way that they do. The only thing anyone involved understands in that there is always pain for someone involved.

Roller coaster rides

There is always a warning when you enter the foster care system that you are signing up for a years long roller coaster of emotions, hopes and heartbreak. I think in the last few months, I've have my fill for about 3 placements already.

The other two points they emphasize is that your first placement will never be the one who stays to be adopted, and that ever case is unique. Which means every social worker and foster parent knows at least one person who did adopt their first placement.

This placement remains in a holding pattern, but the state worker of late has been calling me and been what I call giving me signs. A great big kibosh has been placed from her last in-home visit when she was all smiles, and I have a feeling this is going to work out. Will you keep her name as [A] or would you change it?

If you are ever a social worker, don't ever start having conversations like that with your clients unless you are holding something in your hands from the court making things official. Because man, that hill that you are suddenly climbing on the roller coaster is not so exhilarating when you suddenly turn the track into a lunge straight down.

First was the phone call where suddenly all joy and grins were gone, and when I brought up the recommendation for termination of parental rights at 1 year (6 months after it was statutorily due), I was told, oh, no, social work can't recommend TPR; it's not appropriate for us to tell legal how this case should be handled. Really? Then what does social work do? But speaking of legal, when is the next court date, because I'd like to attend. That would be a wast of your time, really, no point in your going and a bunch of other stuff, and her never telling me the next court date.

This was all told to my CF (private agency) SW, who pretty much hit the roof. The placement had already been the subject of meetings with higher ups at CF who are done with scratching their heads over how the state is handling this case, and ready to call in the big guns. We've hit the 9 month mark with this child . I'm the only family she has known. There has been no visitation with birth family. Time to start pushing for what is in the best interest of the child

You know that adage. We all know that adage. It's what foster care and family court is all about. Well, except in the real world, when it is all about the state's money first, and birth parent rights second. Even if that means putting a child back into a dangerous situation. Let me tell you about the 4 month old I saw at the hospital ED who had just been placed back with his birth parents over the objections of social workers.

So today's fun was yet another call from my state social worker. Again, all somber. I'm immediately thinking, this is it, A is leaving.

No. Not yet, at least.

It seems my state's (State X) legal team finally realized that State Y (birth mom's claimed state of residency) was not going to take jurisdiction of A. This is what they had been arguing for 9 months. Instead of filing an ICPC to see about placing the child with family in State Y, the state has been arguing that since birth mom was from State Y, they should just take A. Because then State Y would be paying all the bills for her care. Under an ICPC, State Y acts as social worker, "keeping an eye" on the placement, but all the bills are still paid by State X.

Remember, first and foremost, it is all about state money.

State Y had been saying no to this since day 1. State X Family Court kept ordering the issue to be pushed. But I guess in court this morning (which hello, I did have a right to be at and speak at), the final word from State Y came in. So now the court is ordering that the ICPC be filing now, so A can be sent to State Y.

Confused by the letters? Because I only have 3 more: W. T. F.

An ICPC investigating placement with family in State Y should have been done at day one.  If this is what they are going to push, it should have been done in the first 3 months, 6 months maximum. Instead we now have another 3 months wait to find out the answer on the ICPC and a nearly 14 month old child will be removed from the only family she has known. I'm not sure where this is considered int he best interest of the child.

My recovering attorney self is just raging at the stupidity of this all. The ICPC should have been filed first, A placed with family in State Y early on in the process and THEN the whole bone-head argument of jurisdiction (aka, we don't want to pay for her kthnxbye) made. I'm angry, hurt, frustrated, and furious that no one, NO ONE is looking at A to see what is best for her, never mind the foster and birth families involved. Yes, she has a guardian ad litem in all these proceedings. Who has never met her. Who sees her as a case number on a file folder. And just argues what the court wants to hear, which is that she needs to be sent to State Y.

I keep telling myself it's just a roller coaster ride. The only problem is I don't know if it is going to come to a stop and let me off gently or run out of track and bring it all crashing down.

Still here. Both of us!

I know, I know, but holy crud, my life is just too insane lately to give me a minute to post. And the biggest issue I have is not being able to share photos because seriously, they do speak volumes and I want to share this adorable smiling monkey and yet I can't. So, so frustrating to any inspiration that I have to write.

And in truth, last year was really rough. I realized as I was writing out my holiday card in December that I had done 2 years of a BSN nursing school in 11 months. With a new baby. Crap, no wonder I was exhausted!

Luckily this year the class schedule slows down a bit -- you can't do the final year any faster than 2 semesters, and summer semesters are out. So I feel like I am still on holiday even though classes have started again.

As for A., aka The Wee Bean. She is still here. Her case remains tied up in legal. Parental rights were not terminated in December, but likely will be at the 1 year mark in May. And that is where the finger crossing comes in. Because we need to get to that point with the other state still refusing to take custody of her. And for this states judge to agree to the TPR. Because what happen then, well, she gets adopted. By me. And that is so close, and yet so far. Every day is one step closer, but I know all could go differently with a single phone call. So I'm just keep holding my breath.

~*~*~*~

And on that very brief check-in, there is a crawling stinky-bottom at my feet in need of a bath and snuggle. We are fighting a pretty good cold that hit with a fever today, but seems to just be fever and snot. Hoping the weekend sets someone to rights, but peeee-yew! I need to set that tushy to rights ASAP!

December 6

A date that now has significance, and I don't know if it is better knowing, or not knowing.

I'm a mom. But not your usual mom. I'm not making long-term plans and wishes. My precious little bundle is a temporary one, and I have learned to live in the moment. I live for those evening hours where we fall asleep curled into each other, feeling her soft breath on my throat, her tiny arms stretched to reach around each side of my neck. I let myself settle in to share her pre-bed-time nap, shutting out all cares of a messy and cluttered house, and a school semester that is kicking my ass. Just these moments, these are the ones that matter. They confirm what a happy, joyous little bean she is.

She belly laughs, she smiles, she sings in an impossibly high register. She flirts, she watches, her moss-green eyes missing nothing. We giggle and talk back and forth, and most of all, we both sigh as darkness falls, and we are reunited after a day apart, able to snuggle down into each others warmth.

You can only live for the moment, because it is all so tenuous. She doesn't know this, but I do.

She doesn't know the legal craziness her case is tied up in, but I do. I shake my head, I make calls to push and advocate. I clamor to know her guardian ad litem. Words like "permanency planning" make my heart leap with a sudden excitement and hopeful possibility. Until I'm reminded things are just "routine" and have no special meaning in this case. At least not yet.

There is an army of supporters sending out prayers. And two case workers nearly as passionate as I am. They've not seen us in those sleepy evening hours as the world fades away and we just simply are to each other, but they read the effects of it. On her. On me. Even my most feeble cry of frustration and advocacy are echoed by them.

Echoed in a way I didn't expect. "When was birth-mom's last visit?" There is a sudden counting out of months to six. December 6."We will file to terminate parental rights due to abandonment on that date. She will be available to adopt."

It is kind of stunning spoken reality of my greatest hope, something I didn't think possible. So soon. Really, so soon!

Oh, it isn't without a catch, without a chance for it all to evaporate into thin air. One simple phone call from birth-mom, and that goes away, a clock resets, and we are back into limbo. So maybe it was better not knowing, being able to live in just those moments, and not thinking ahead, not worrying, not wondering what is going to happen tomorrow, did anything happen today I don't yet know about.


And you expect me to pay attention to a lecture on heart failure and EKGs.