hitting emotional exhaustion

Thanks for the comments and letting me rant. Funny How you can always find time to blog when things are crappy, but when they are happy and fun, you never get a moment. RIght now I'm just trying to keep myself from engaging in any retail therapy.

I did call the child advocate yesterday, but despite all my arguments, I was blown off with the answer that the state child protection agency was doing exactly what they were supposed to by promoting the reconciliation of A with her birth mom.

Wow. There are those three letters (WTF) again.

Told ya, birth parents rights always trump what may be the best interest of the kid. As I said to my private agency SW this afternoon, no one in this business wants to talk about the 600 pound elephant that is in the room, which is ::gasp:: reconciling with the birth family may NOT be in the best interest of the child.

Certainly wasn't for that 4 month old little boy last month who was returned to his birth parents, and is now lying in a coma with massive head injuries.

So I was so upset by yesterday's phone call and feeling defeated that I didn't call A's guardian ad litem (GAL), whose name I finally got. Then talked myself into feeling completely defeated and that there was no point. Luckily my private agency SW called to check in on me (and let me cry), and convinced me no, I need to call and ask for a home visit, or appointment so she can meet A. That I need to say this child is 10 months old, and I am the only mother she has know, this is her only family. Maybe things would feel different if there had ben regular family visits, or if my offers to be in contact with birth family and share photos and updates had been acted on. So I called and left a voice mail and will wait to hear back tomorrow. And if I don't, I will call again. And again. I will be that person.

In the meantime, I'm not sleeping. I'm either staying up until all hours doing weird OCD cleaning (i.e., I can organize the pantry and dust shelves no one sees, but I can't manage to vacuum) or just sitting up in the chair, snuggling with a sleeping A, trying to hold on to every minute I have to be with her. I'm trying to prepare myself by mentally packing a suitcase for her, figuring out what clothes she'll go home with, with toys, what ones I have to hold on to for my sake. I spent acupuncture this morning in a fitful doze, realizing I most likely could not handle another foster placement right away, and wondering if I ever could.

I want to hold on to hope that State Y will say no to the placement, but I also know that could be a very slim chance. No one understands why foster care and protective services run they way that they do. The only thing anyone involved understands in that there is always pain for someone involved.