confessions

i've finally admitted it to myself: mother's day falling on my birthday this year IS pissing me off. i didn't think i'd be still in the same place i was last year at this time. ::sigh:: chin up, deep breath, focus on the positive that is CD7 and the growth of a nice fat and healthy follie.

my acupuncturist said something odd to my last week as i was leaving treatment. "i'm really proud of you." i looked at her, confused and asked what she meant. "the whole way you are handling this negative."

i don't know if it is some much handling it as much as it is just being numb. i had that sense from the day after the IUI that things didn't happen. my hopes really didn't get high. as much as i tried to do positive visualization, i knew on some level it was pointless, it wasn't going to be this cycle as much as i wanted it. good news, things falling into place with work and career changes, a huge full double rainbow greeting me one evening during the 2ww... they weren't the signs a portents for this cycle.

yet still, i don't think it is something to be proud off. i feel like i cut myself off emotionally from this whole thing just because i knew i'd be facing a negative test. and somehow i don't think shutting everything down emotionally is necessarily a good thing.

~.~.~.~

but on to bigger and better cycles. Tank will be arriving this Friday for our hot date sometime this weekend. actually, we're going to go for two hot dates. Amazing Midwife thinks a double IUI this time just to counteract any potential bad timing sounds like a fair deal, and seeing as i've purchased those vials already, it's not hurting my wallet much more.

and goddess help me, but i'm about to be a dog owner. me, a confirmed crazy cat lady. my mom is the original Dr. Dolittle and has a foster toy poodle she's been nursing back into health. little white thing, who as it turns out, is one heck of a fire-cracker personality. but what has made me crazy over her is that she is very much a cat trapped in a dog's body. seriously. she's all about snuggling up with you, playing with cat-nip toys, and napping all day. being yippy and yapping at things? not her game. in fact she barely has a bark -- just this itty bitty squeak i've heard once. oh, and yes, she *loves* cats. fascinated with them. wants to give them kisses and curl up to sleep with them. clearly, this is not a canine.

so this little mini-diva is at the point of needing to be settled in somewhere, but mom has been worried about finding the right home for her and dropping hints my way the size of anvils. seeing as i feel much the same as she does (this is a very special dog who has been through a lot, and needs an awesome companion), i gave into the pressure. mom is thrilled and wants her to be settled in with me before Tank arrives since it is proven dogs do good things for your hormones. i chuckled at that one, not asking her for research. at this point, i'll go with every goofy suggestion.

there is no sign as sure as a ruined pair of knickers

and they were snazzy new ones, too. but looks like even with the prometrium, my 27/28 day cycle is a sure thing. spotting for CD1 on the way.

the estrogen, it is strong with this one...

i finally ordered a pee cup

the old mug that has been pressed into to pee-service for me has been dropped on the bathroom floor for the last time. there is only so much i can do with the Gorilla Glue these days. so i finally ordered this cute, specially designated pee cup as a treat for myself.

13dpo today and a BFN. i'll test again tomorrow and Tuesday morning just in case before i stop the prometirum. i remain strangely detached from it all. i think i'm trying very hard to protect myself. after seeing all kinds of signs and promise these past 2 weeks, i knew it was going to be hard.

my mom called this morning to tell me that the Today Show was running a piece on choice moms, and i put down my book and quickly tumbled out of bed to catch it. i thought it was a wonderfully positive piece (finally!). my mom commented tonight that my dad had watched it with interest, and though he always has been supportive of me, he now really "gets it" as to why i'm making this choice, and hat maybe i do know what i'm getting myself into.

oh crud

i just realized i am going to have to POAS this time around. ::cries:: i did one HPT before and i hated that experience of that glaring white space. its not something i have wanted to repeat, so i don't. i wait for AF.

but hello, on progesterone this go around! no AF until i stop it. which mean 14dpo i'm going to have to break out one of the 6 gazillion tests i have (thanks for all the free ones, earlyhomepregnancytests.com and clearblue easy...).

just..., just think really good thoughts and envision two lines for me come Sunday morning, okay? because i may very well loose it.

the only other thing that may be of note is at massage tonight, my therapist T commented that i had a ton of heat going on in my lower back. it wasn't inflammation, and it wasn't coming from the sacrum, but rather deeper in, and on either side of the sacrum which mean ... uterus. T knows my cycles about as well as i do right now, and she said this was not something that normally happens for me post ovulation.

i'm hoping that and the know achy low back i have are more than just progesterone side-effects. who knows, listing "your massage therapist my find a lot of heat in your low back while taking" is not included with the drug warning.

and i think they need to change the innocuous sounding "bloating" to something more accurate such as "none of your bras will fit, your jeans won't button, and you'll find yourself staring at yourself in the mirror, completely mesmerized that you have would can actually be classified as 'knockers' going on."

{{oh, and btw, whoever check in frequently from Iceland, i'd love it if you dropped me a note, privately if you wish. Iceland is near the top of my list of places i want to visit, and given all the recent news lately, i'm having fun saying "Eyjafjallajökull" as much as i can....}}

8dpIUI

holy crap, my boobs are huge right now. just in my way no matter what I'm doing.

of course I can't do any "sign spotting" this time round since I'm supplementing progesterone on this try, per the advice of my gyn & the midwife. i want to give any little bean as much of a chance at sticking as possible.

happily, much of the work stress is fading, so I was able to do lots of sleeping and coddling of myself this past weekend. felt absolutely delightful.

as to how I actually feel about this cycle, I'm pretty much in the area of numb. it's that spot you create where you dint want to get your hopes up because things nor working would be crushing, and trying to hope some little bit to keep your spirit open for what might be. so if anything, it's been easy to just not think about it during this 2ww.

of course, good wishes from others is always welcome. :)

and here we are again

Tank managed to arrive yesterday a few mere hours before the OPK let me know i was surging. i sent a text off to the midwife to see if she would be able to do an IUI in the morning, and all was arranged.

i still am finding it highly amusing and tres cool to be texting my midwife for these things.

my sign and portent for this try is the date of my surge - April 10. it was my mom's original due date for me. of course i decided to hang around for another 4 1/2 weeks on her. i've never been a morning person or eager to get out of bed.

all went off this morning without a hitch. well, okay, once small unexpected hitch. the bank sent 2 vials instead of the single vial i requested. seeing as it was the second day of my surge, there was no reason to use the second one. but now i have to call in the morning and triple check the charge on the tank and see if i need to keep it around and get it refilled before sending it back, or is there enough that sending it back tomorrow will get it back still frozen.

so another 2ww. feels a little surreal, a little unreal at the moment. i think i'm going to wrap things up for the evening and listen to my meditation and wonder how to stay sane for the next couple of weeks.

CD11

small milestone this morning. the fertility monitor actually gave me a "High" reading *before* giving me a "Peak" reading. yep, usually my E2 and LH are so out of sync i jump from Low to Peak, and then have a day of High. but not this cycle!

now, i just have to work on taxes, office work and ugh, some gardening while waiting for Tank to arrive today.

oh, and pee on OPK sticks a few more times to watch that LH!