dear LH surge,

you know, i realize we have a contentious relationship, which leads to a conversation every month. either you are MIA, or blowing into town too early, or just feeling too fickle to show up on a pee stick.

something you may not realize is that i don't exactly have access to hot and cold running sperm around here. i can have access to frozen sperm, but that's all based on a shipping date. oddly enough, that shipping date is usually based on when you are supposed to be around as well.

if you are going to go with the whole when i damn well feel like it option, we've got a problem. a problem that keeps costing me an extra $40 a month as i panic and call the purveyor of said frozen sperm to over-nite us the goods. yes, i realize they are nice, and very used to me right now, but really, you are trying my patience.

let's try and get our act together, okay?
me

~.~.~.~

in news other than my mid-morning pee stick showing a darkening surge line, i did find another donor, and am rather psyched about this one now. good to know my commitment skills are still as skittish as ever. I decided to re-search the whole catalog for my criteria of ethnic/height/eye color preferences instead of first looking at the back-up team i had previously put on the bench. oddly enough, only one of the previous back up players even caught my eye this time, and former #2 was now a distant #5. i instead had two brand new (really, new donors made available) possibilities vying for that top slot. i went to bed that night, wondering how i was going to choose, and figuring i would have to ask for a count comparison from the bank the next day.

except for when i sat down the next day to reread both profiles and knew without a doubt which one it was going to be. interesting choice, and i'd love to talk about some of the features, but then i feel that's kind of just ... weird? crossing a line? ... in a blog where other SMCs making choices are surfing. i'll just throw it out there that i'm open to sharing notes and specifics, but will probably keep that to a private email.

so the new "donor-in-law" (as Tank has now been dubbed by my mom) will be arriving tomorrow. a dark blue line had best not be arriving before then.

oh, but yes, the CM is clearly in the way of shaping up into EWCM loveliness. wow. two months in a row of multi-CM days. which helps me segue into my next little announcement. Fairhaven Health has approached me and invited me to do some product reviews and give-aways of their products here. since i have actually been quite impressed with the results from the FertileCM supplement (seriously, fertile quality CM on a clomid cycle? this goes way beyond evening primrose oil alone!), i have agreed. besides, i think it would be a blast to pass on some goodies to other readers, and get the word out in the SMC community. we seem to be facing so many hurdles as is, i'm all for sharing the stuff that makes it easier on this path.

so that's the state of the Hussy for the moment. looking toward a couple hot -- or is that frozen? -- dates with some new vials before this week's end. every month, the stress about this seems to get less and less. or maybe i'm more used to it. whatever the case, bring on the calm!

i saw this one coming last cycle

i called the cryo bank on friday to let them know CD1 was looming for some point during the holiday weekend, and i'd need to make date reservations for some nice vials. i was supposed to call back yesterday with my expected shipping time, but i was so busy looking at my calendar and dithering about it, i figured tonight when i got home and had a clear hear.

but i had a message on my phone this afternoon: my donor is sold out. yep, i knew when i got the "two for" specials last month (2 vials to bring the total motility count past their guarantee) that we were down to the end of the line. so no big shocker, though i am a little sad if only because i fell in love with that donor's handwriting. yes, i am that weird.

so i'm looking again at my backup team, and running through the catalog again, but not passing over those that are CMV+ since, hello, will not be donating with an active infection; risk of my becoming infected during insemination is impossible. my awesome bank has no problem shipping a CMV+ donor to CMV- me. (i also don't think my RE lab would have had a problem if i chose a CMV+ donor, but i'd just be given the big blahblahblah speech and asked to sign another 50 agreements stating i know the risks. yup, whatever...)

off to find Mr. Tall, Dark and Genetically Appealing.

IUI#2, part the second

sorry, don't mean to turn into Ms. Posty McPants here, but i figured some answers to questions and potentially hopeful news was in order. and thanks for meandbaby for the encouragement on the 7mil. i like hearing those kinds of stories!

so i had two burning questions for the nurse today during my IUI. first, hiking a local mountain this weekend, yea or nay? she gave me the yea, as long as i stay hydrated. the culprit after IUI is anything involving jumping about, and it doesn't have to do with conception, more the state of swollen ovaries and the risk of torsion. big concern for those on stims. me and my 50 mg of clomid, not so much.

my second question had to do with the timing of the IUIs given my ovulation/temp spike overnight. she said that was absolutely perfect, and just what they are shooting for. whew! feel much better about that.

today's number was 24mil. now, she also explained something on the report and numbers that 'm being given. the is a % of motility after wash, but that total count (7 mil, 24 mil) is only of motile swimmers after the wash. today was 40% motility with a resulting 24mil actual swimmers. in my mind, that makes the 7mil of yesterday seem much, much better. i had been thinking only 23% of the 7mil were showing any attempt to make an effort. 7mil raring to go puts me in a whole new frame of mind.

the nurse (we'll call her Babs) today was awesome -- she is the head RN for the clinic whom i met with as part of my first visit with the RE, and she walks you through charting and the whole coordinating with the cryobank and the clinic. just one of those people who gives off a great vibe. not that the entire clinic staff hasn't been wonderful. i love how they ask at every IUI if you know if you need a special speculum, and has there been a problem with your cervix in any prior IUI. considering some of the horror stories others have shared, it makes very appreciative

of course i'm now at the point of laughing about that when they ask since my cervix is apparently of the hey sailor, new in town? variety. two nurses have now literally exclaimed "wow, you're easy!" while feeding in the catheter. there's something about hearing that as you are in the ever dignified position of feet in stirrups and butt hanging off the edge of the table that cracks me up.

okay, i guess i'm officially back in the 2ww.

worries and doubts and voices in my head

i'm a swirl of various things right now, so excuse me as i try and sort them out up here.

first off, yesterday's IUI went off without a hitch. well, except for the numbers of the swim-team, that is. on my first IUI, day 1's numbers were 53 mil with 45% motility, but day 2 dropped to a shocking 7 mil with 30% motility. still, i figured 60 mil total was good.

yesterday, no so good. 7 mil with 23% motility. the nurse seemed surprised, and then tried to assure me that pregnancies happened with worse numbers. yeah, but remember we have my pathetic eggs in this mix as well. thinking these numbers were not what my bank promised, i called them yesterday afternoon and explained the situation. they weer shocked and concerned as well, but said that a substandard report had not been filled by my RE's lab so that it could be investigated and options pursued. remember, i'm starting with ICI samples, so my clinic's wash is the only one they are getting -- my numbers should be a hell of a lot better -- at least 10mil, more likely 15mil.

so i have a call into the my clinic's cryobank so i can get them to submit that paperwork. and i'm thinking that if today is bad numbers as well, i may have to go for the back-up donor. ETA: and the clinic's lab just called me and said they would get the paperwork filled out and faxed today and give me a call to let me know when it had been faxed so i can also call and follow up with the cryobank.

needless to say, i tried not to focus on this too much yesterday, and had my massage therapy in the evening, and she gave me a full body work-up to get the blood flowing, and worked fertility/conception triggers. i have acupuncture tonight after found 2 today, so i at least feel like i'm doing everything that i can on my end.

except for the second niggling worry in the back of my head -- my timing. i keep thinking i should have called to go in Sunday morning, despite the negative OPK that morning. other signs were there, and gee, wouldn't you know last night as i went to bed, i clearly felt ovulation start on my left side (my right side seems to be completely defunct after all). temp rise this morning confirmed it, so i almost feel like today is a waste -- won't it be 12 hours after? what's the point? other signs (cervix and mucus) also had shifted by last night, where as friday, saturday and sunday were clearly doing the rah!rah! we're ready right now! dance for me. next month -- if i have to do this next month -- i may go more with my gut instinct and see if i can't jump things a day early.

and so now for me getting all touchy-feely. you've been warned....

after all this doubt and niggling, last night when i went to bed, i read some more of Spirit Babies (which has been a really interesting read -- some folks would say kooky and out there, but my theory is hey, we don't know everything about the Universe, shut up and at least listen for fun). i had managed a great meditation on saturday when drifting in that should i nap state, actually feeling a flow of energy around my hips reaching and expanding out. i thought my welcoming mantra, reaching out for my child. last night after reading and turning of the light, i immediately felt that energy around my hips again, without even trying. again those welcoming thoughts for my child, and i suddenly realized i was thinking of the child as "him" (i've always tried to keep my thoughts gender neutral), and as i realized this with a bit of shock, i felt almost a joyous laugh and acknowledgment in that energy around my hips. like i said, kind of kooky, but very real in the moment, and enough to make tears of happiness spring to my eyes. today i'm staying focused on that, that feeling, that presence, and that positive power i have in myself.

wow, i can't wait for acupuncture tonight to meditate on this some more, and let all the worries wash away.

it'll all come out in the wash

i did get in touch with the cryogenic coordinator at the clinic regarding my omg, what if they only have IUI samples available worry after being told to order ICI. she said the doctors only say that to save us money since they have a policy of washing even the already washed samples. making sure the medium is theirs, checking numbers, and also for their success statistics to be accurate.

okay, so know i'm adding back in potential donors. and i'm also glad i've decided on using a lab that has much higher post-wash numbers than their "usual".

but in looking at profiles again today at lunch, i still keep coming back to one of them, so i think part of me has made the decision. and yes, i'll be dorky and say i think a lot of it has to do with the handwriting. i'm a huge critic of the handwriting...

anything but a lazy sunday

i should be working on my taxes, but you know, i need to get this donor stuff figured out and sorted so that can be ready to go next month -- which will be before the tax filing deadline if my estimation is correct.

i'm going with my gut here after a week of checking out the various banks, reading raves, reading horror stories -- you know the drill. so it is either PacRepro (Pacific Reproductive Services) or TSBC (The Sperm Bank of California). both have great reputation for working with single women, and are known for having high quality samples. i'm going to need the best swimmers possible if my eggs are going to be iffy.

i just need to call TSBC tomorrow and confirm that there are ICI samples available for all donors, since it is a bit vague from their site. i now have a stack of donor profiles printed out and am reading, rereading, and putting into different piles as i try and figure this all out....