staying somewhat sane

sane for me is a long-shot anyway. i've spent the past week being all over the map on where i feel things are and what results will be. i've had nights of wonderful joyous dreams, only to be followed by a night full of nightmares. i've been embracing my incredible bloated belly -- when not feeling that it is nothing more than crap eating with too much sugar in the diet. i'm now reaching the point of trying so hard to look/not look for any signs that i've turned myself off of food as of last night. everything tastes off, and nothing sits right in the tummy. (to the point that i just tried to eat a nibble of chocolate and was so icked by the taste i spit it out. go figure.)

my subconscious, it is such a prankster.

but wonderful Nurse L. just called to let me know that my bloodwork from this morning is "awesome" and my body is doing an amazing job at producing progesterone.

this isn't really a surprise since i usually spend my entire luteal phase waking up with night sweats from the little furnace my innards turn in to. still, trying not to be too prepare for the worst with this since, hey, it's freaking good news!

Wait, wait, wait...

Just testing photo posts from the phone. Sorry all, looks like you will be subjected to a snapshot journey log as well. This was several weeks ago as I was waiting to meet with the RE and go over my test results.

and here i said i wouldn't be a nutter in my 2ww

that was before i headed over for IUI part 2 today, and a nurse approached me and asked if i would like to be part of a research study for a new at home early pregnancy test. what the heck. i wasn't going to go crazy on the POAS simply because the fear of disappointment is so huge. but no, i get to do two a day from CD21 on....

what is even cooler is they provides all the supplies, including the ClearBlue Easy that is being tested against. this and compensated at the end?

so of course now that i've allowed myself the POAS during the wait, you know i'm going to be obsessing over early pregnancy signs. damn this internet and glut of information at my fingertips!

of course i'm all a flutter at the moment since for the entire afternoon it has felt like my uterus is having a wrestling match with my bladder. either that, or it's a rowdy frat party in there with them waiting for a chick to jump out of a cake. oh, hey, that is what's going on! we got a party of 60mil on board and with any luck, at least one hot looking healthy chick headed their way.

or, it could be my completely weak and stressed out caving and consuming of the last small piece of heavily frosted chocolate cake left in the kitchen at work. i should have stopped after the first bite and i was overloaded by the richness of gluten/sugar/chocolate. mm, hmm. you saw that weak and stressed above, right?

numbers for today's specimen were not as good as yesterday. 53mil yesterday as compared to 7mil today. i know 60 is a good total, but sill, quite a difference. motility is still excellent. i'm hoping it isn't an issue to be revised with a subsequent IUI unless that is T42.

i did finally get in touch with the acupuncturist (what's this spring vacation stuff?) and have an appointment thursday morning. another appointment to finesse at work. i think i'm definitely going to have to be in the office this weekend to pull off this week.

for now, i think i need to go change into comfy clothes, light up a stick of the uber-expensive incense i brought home from japan, and do my fertility yoga and meditate. i'm focusing on thoughts of doing the impossible, and having the clinic be floored with getting a pregnancy for someone who had an FSH of 31...

to doubt or not to doubt....

despite me fears that i had someone planned my first meeting with the swim-team a bit too early based on other signs and inability to closely read an OPK, i had a temperature bump this morning. so unless falling asleep with the heating pad on my belly last night for an extra 1/2 hour had anything to do with it, maybe i was on time after all. just barely.

so i got to meet Nurse L. yesterday, honorary aunt to many a pregnancy and darn proud of it. i teased her and asked if she had kept a record of her success on the first shot, because i wanted to make sure i was dealing with the best. and yes, again, my kicky stripped over the knee socks were a total hit. Nurse L. loved them, and wanted to know what i had for pants and shoes (jeans and my usual Danskos). i was promptly dubbed as "so cool". ha! i always knew those kids in high school were just clueless.

the numbers on the swim team were quite good. post wash motility was 65% -- Nurse L. said the office considers a 45% as excellent. we went over the dozen double-checks in place to make sure my sample was the one being used, and she gave me the empty vial from the bank. just a little something for the baby-book, yes?

so i'll go in again today, and somehow find a way to get through the next 13 days, i'm sure the chaos of work will help with passing the time.

oh hai there LH surge

could we pick two more hectic days to do this on??

first day testing at work and bam, looks darn positive to me (knew i should have just used one of the smiley faced ones). considering the sharp cramps i had yesterday, and the slowly creeping to more positive tests over the weekend, i really shouldn't be surprised.

waiting for dr.'s office to call me back. they want you to test between 7 am - 8:30 am (WTH?) so you call by 8:30 for prep and scheduling. fingers crossed this doesn't muck up the works.

oh, and in case you missed it, aaaaaaaack! <--- ::me trying not to flip out::

HSG

today was my HSG, and first encounter with the actual main hospital of W&I on the sprawling campus of medical central, RI. of course last night i was reading again about the HSG procedure. a coworker who knows i'm venturing down this road (they went through their own infertility battle and have adopted a little cutie from China) winced when i mentioned i was having this done. she recounted her doctor's blunder in clamping her cervix and detail about the excruciating pain. and of course last night i'm reading up on it on th Stirrup Queens blog and the comments were crazy ("i've birth twins vaginally, and i've never experience such torture as the HSG!" "i passed out from pain!"). okay, then, maybe it is bad.

well, the tech and doctor were super nice. The doctor was even squeezing me in right after round since they were overbooked with HSG appointments. so i changed into my johnny, told the tech don't worry about slipper socks, i have socks covered, and i will be known for them. when i walked out in my blue-striped over the knee socks she laughed, and said her daughter gets to wear crazy socks like that with her school uniform, and told me about a sock shop i have to check out (Details on Thayer Street (of course!)).

oh, and i did forget to take the recommended pain meds an hour before the procedure. i figured this could get hairy for the rest of the day because of this, and was hating my air-brain that was all flustered with getting out of the house on time this morning.

so i'm expecting miserable terrible cramping pain, but really, one little twinge with the insertion of the catheter. some mild (uber-mild) discomfort with the die, and i gracefully tried to tirn from side to side for a full range of photos. but nothing that ranks up there with "wost menstrual cramps ever" that they warn you about. maybe all those years of endo were preparing me for something.

the verdict? i have a lovely healthy uterus, and sparkling clear tubes. finally, something positive going in my direction!

and i'm at work, and feel nothing. oh, maybe a slight i must of eaten something i shouldn't have but it will settle down in a second type of twinge, but seriously. worst pain ever? well, i've always said my pain threshold is kind of skewed.

so here i am, full of hope and promise and positive thoughts that this all will work. and i've got the bonus of the next three cycles after the HSG being the most fertile. acupuncture and herbs are going great, and my skin is getting super soft, my energy levels feel great, and i'm able to breath away any stress or worry much easier. next acupuncture will be after the second day IUI this month. which, should be sometime the end of next week. i really need to call over and find out if they do weekend appointments if you get your LH surge. i'm thinking that with the connection to the hospital, they must.

next week, more peeing on a stick (and while at work, no less!) to check for that LH surge. with the lovely incubator i've been told i have, and that long sticky luteal phase, this just has to work, right? ::thinks thoughts of great big lovely eggs::

finally!

geez, 32 days? for me, varying more than a day is weird, so to be off by 5 days... i'm blaming the clomid, though in truth, i think it was more luteal phase that lengthened out to the max. this is a good and sticky sign.

message has been left with HSG scheduling. let the "omg" of fist cycle to try commence.