crap

As I was sitting on a plane today, waiting to take off to Charleston for the weekend, my phone rang. I had a feeling when the number popped up as "blocked" that is was the new Dr.'s office.

In fact it was the new Dr. herself.

She didn't sound as enthusiastic with my numbers as I had been. That's because that missing AMH number came in.

0.22

I have no eggs left. The low FSH may indicate that they can get me to respond to meds, but the AMH means they will only get at most, 1 or 2. The chances of those 1 or 2 being healthy eggs? Really, really low.

I knew this was hanging out there. But after several hours, it is finally starting to sink in. adjectives like "barren" keep popping into my head out of nowhere.

From the get go, this was never about a biological child for me. But somehow getting diverted onto the TTC path has made me think more and more about the possibility of a biological child and how amazing that would be. We are a cute family with some really strong genes (my siblings and I and all my nieces and nephews look *exactly* alike). Picturing that has started to play in my mind.

I think it has also been playing in my mind to think of that with the added "as if" I had managed to get married. That happy little family unit, the great combination of our genes. My way of tormenting myself.

Now I'm thinking what that would all be in the context of the truth of my physicality. Barren. Infertile. How that can have additional impact when you are part of a couple. I think of what a failure I would be. Gosh, maybe it was better things worked out the way they did and The One That Got Away got someone who was fertile (even in her 40s). One more dig to that gaping hole in my heart.

Instead I have to fight this and start thinking donor embryos. Start doing research. Start finding a donor. Focus on the positive and what can be, and not what is not and never will be, right?

Right.

Still, I think copious amounts of wine and some tears are on the to do list this weekend.

don't count your chickens...

... because you may not have any eggs.

yeah. i've kind of been silent regarding the fun that was Friday's scan and consult because i've been a big huge mess about it. still am, so i'm just going to blurt this out and run and spare you all the ranting and raving.

uterus is healthy and lovely. perfect nest for a baby. left ovary looks ago. a decent size cyst on it, but nothing to keep me out of the running. 2 antral follicles. yes. 2.

right ovary is half the size of the left. approximately 1 third of that is covered under a haze that the doctor is interpreting as endo scarring. 3 antral follicles. no evidence that i've ovulated from that side.

so a grand total of 5. and i can ovulate. i just have nothing to respond to meds to try and help my chances, and hey, if there are only 5, the RE is telling me they have to be crap quality. ICI on my own at home? might as well burn the money.

kids, this is what happens when you have an autoimmune disease running rampant in your life since you were about 10.

so, was left with the option to try an injectable cycle to see if i would respond at all, but if i don't, that's the end of the line. since it was already late on CD3 and a friday, i decided i didn't want the quick, choose your online pharmacy now so we can have these delivered by courier to you tomorrow route, and asked for one more clomid cycle.

and i may or may not take a break (or three) before the cycle after and injectables. i'm trying to remind myself i haven;t been feeling healthy that long. maybe this can be reversed -- is being reversed. more time may be what i need. just don't feel like i have any.

so, there we are as to the source of my crying jags of late. under more control today, but still feeling pretty crapped on by my life. (pity, party of 1 over in this corner.) just barely holding off the urge to go get a giant hot fudge sundae and say screw it all.