Outing the Single Hussy

EDIT:  Per a typo-laden cease and desist letter (which spelled my name & AJ's name incorrectly several times) from the Rhode Island Department of Children, Youth and Families, I am ordered to stop publishing images of a foster child in state care.  I find this amusing as AJ is no longer in state care -- RI closed her case in March of 2013.  But I am being threatened with law suits is I do not stop discussing her case at all in any public forum or media.  So I'll just leave this here.  I'm sure everyone can come to their own judgment of the glorious Powers That Be who purport to look out for best intests of children in their care.  Those who have watched lives be destroyed and trauma caused at the hands of DCYF certainly don't see this as the case at all, but rather another corrupt political bully throwing their weight around lest truth ever be exposed.

One of the wonders of the internet is the assumed cloak of anonymity.  While some take advantage of it to be complete assholes, I find it allows me to be more honest.  I don't necessarily have people who know me, who judge me, looking over my shoulder and peeking into more than my normal public everyday life.

But then there are times you come to a crossroad and you find you need to combine your public and private voices to expose truths, and amp up the volume.  I'm getting ready to shout.

Grief has taken an odd and unexpected turn.  After my last post regarding another child the state removed from a pre-adoptive home with no notice or reason, my anger hit a point of moving me to do more than get out of bed a brush my teeth.  I emailed the reporter with me story.  And he called.  He listened for an hour and a half to me try and tell our crazy, complicated story.  I fought to remember details I didn't want to remember.  I showed him the video, listened to her screams again at the airport.  I needed him to feel it as acutely as I did, to be just as angry.

He was.

Last Sunday, Wee Bean's story was featured in the Sunday paper:

 Is a Family Court ruling in the best interest of the child?  Not this time

And I added my own illustration with the video showing both our happy times, and then that most awful of days:

not for the faint of heart

Isn't she the most gorgeous girl?  

So those of you who would like to help add your voice to the fight, please consider liking our Facebook page.  I want to amplify my voice, to bring this story to NC where AJ is now, to see if we can't get national exposure to show the flaws of our foster care system.  I may never get to be reunited with AJ, but perhaps with enough attention, with enough exposure, we can save other foster children this pain.  We have a broken system.  judges and social workers have an antiquated and unsubstantiated bias that DNA trumps all.  

DNA is not what makes a family.  DNA does not dictate love and attachment and safety and security.  So many thousands of children continue to be traumatized, turned into damaged adults who then feed the system with their own children to repeat the cycle of social worker job security.  Think of how many families could be made, could be joyous and happy and spreading that sense of love everywhere.

So this is where I out myself.  But I'll never stop being as honest as I am.

This isn't my story, but it might as well be

Just sharing this as proof that AJ and I are only a grain of sand in this state's treatment of children in their care.  Reading this makes me physically ill.  I spoke to the reporter today, and he has been inundated with calls from foster/pre-adoptive parents who have been treated the same.  Still, he wants to help me share AJ's story and continue to stir up problems for DCYF, especially as hers was a case that included lying in court testimony and sending her to another state in exchange for money.

I will try to get back here to post more about how our story unfolded and the trauma that was inflicted.  I'm still moving slowly through a bog of grief so it does take me a while to actually find the energy to face some things.

Family baffled by foster child’s removal

August 18, 2013 01:00 AM
BY BOB KERR
Adoption seems such a warm, generous, kind thing to do. It brings certainty to an uncertain life, provides family where there was none. 

But even when all the right things seem to be in place — a caring and welcoming family and a child who seems a perfect fit in their home — adoption is not a sure thing. There is a process. There are social workers. There are big chunks of the past — the family’s and the child’s — that come into play. There are questions and questions about questions. There is the need to measure up to standards that are not always clear. 

Last month, a boy I will call Jason was taken from his foster home in East Providence by a social worker from the Department of Children, Youth and Families (DCYF). He was taken for a doctor’s appointment. He never came back. Other social workers showed up to collect his clothes and belongings. 

It was the abrupt end of a nearly two-year relationship that Marc and Maria Dauphinee thought was going to lead to adoption. But they were found unacceptable as adoptive parents. They’re not sure why, especially considering how well Jason seemed to be doing in their care. 

“You tell me,” says Marc. “When that child grew so much.” 

He talks of the things Jason did while he lived in their home. He made the honor roll at Riverside Middle School. Then he made it again, and again. He took up the trumpet. He played Little League baseball. His medications for what was originally diagnosed as bipolar disorder were being reduced. 

They first met through Adoption Rhode Island in September 2011. 

“There was an instant connection,” says Marc. 

He remembers Jason telling one of the social workers, “I think I just found my new family.” 

First, there were visits, then daylong stays, then overnights. In July of last year, Jason moved in. He started school in September and saw his name on the honor roll for the first time ever. 

There were questions. There are always questions as a family tries to prove that it is caring enough and doesn’t have any deep, dark secrets that could cause problems. No one should consider adoption without accepting a very thorough, even invasive, examination of their lives. It is incredibly complicated, especially with an older child. The people at DCYF take a very long look at how well a child is faring with a foster family before moving toward adoption. It is, says Stephanie Terry, associate director for child welfare at DCYF, a very fluid situation. 

“Things come up,” she says. 

Obviously, there are things she cannot discuss when it comes to the decision to deny a seemingly deserving, caring couple the opportunity to adopt. 

“We have the utmost respect and admiration for those willing to foster and adopt older children,” says Terry. 

“But sometimes, regardless of putting out their best effort, it evolves over time that this is not the best match.” 

DCYF does not give up easily on the possibility of a child being adopted, Terry says. But things happen. Questions come up. 

There was a question about Maria Dauphinee’s compatibility with Jason. There was a question about whether Jason would get along with Alexander Dauphinee, Marc and Maria’s biological son who is the same age as Jason. 

There were also good, positive signs all over the house in East Providence. There were the honor roll, baseball, playing trumpet in a church band, the need for fewer and fewer medications. And there was another thing Marc mentions — Jason’s increasing comfort as a member of the family. 

But when they tried to force the issue, hire a lawyer and seek a straight answer on whether they were headed for adoption or not, they say they could never get a yes or no. 

Then came the day in July when Jason was picked up for the doctor’s appointment. He didn’t come back. The Dauphinees say they were never told the doctor’s appointment was really the end of their attempt to adopt. 

“My wife called me at my office in tears,” says Dauphinee, maintenance director at Laurelmead in Providence. “It’s astounding.” 

Again, Terry says there is more to the story of how Jason was removed from the Dauphinees’ home. But she can’t discuss it. 

Jason called once after he was taken, and during the conversation, according to Marc, Jason said DCYF workers told him the Dauphinees had never intended to adopt him. 

Now, they wonder where he is, how he’s doing. He was a member of their family and now he’s not. 

“Being one of those kids, it frightens me,” says Marc. 

He was removed from his home when he was 8 and made a ward of the state. He was one of the “night to nighters,” boys in state care who were moved from place to place in what was truly a hideously damaging procedure. 

He grew up hard and beat the odds. And he understands better than most what it means for a kid to come in from the cold. He thought he was doing that for Jason. 

I first met the Dauphinees in March 2006. They had left their jobs to home school and care for their oldest son, Zachary, who was battling cancer. He had been at it for two years then. There was great support from his school and the community. 

Zachary was 10 when he died on the day my column about him appeared in The Providence Journal. 

Marc Dauphinee says the experience with Jason has been in some ways equally painful.

Not on a break, there are just no words when you live in darkness

There has been an item on my to do list since last September: Update Knocked Up.

It should be easy as there has been no lack of things to blog about.

But when your world comes to an end, there is little strength to remember to breathe.  Rehashing your struggles of how and why is of little import.


Perhaps as part of my journey out of this dark hole I can try to start telling the story.


Just know, it is not good.  With no notice, the state came and tried to take A. from me with no notice, and no chance to see her again.  I managed to get another 36 hours with her.

But with no transition, no preparation, a crying, screaming girl was pulled out of my arms at 5 in the morning at the airport, and that is the last I have heard of her.

She is missing.  In attempting to reach out to the birth family for some kind of update and the chance to be a "fairy godmother" and send books and toys and clothes, I hired a private investigator,  The court ordered her to be removed and placed with a specific family member because she HAD to be with half siblings.  But she is not there.  No one will tell me where she is, or what happened.  Is it transition that did not work out right?  Was it all a lie just to get her into foster care in another state?  Is she back in this state and I was lied to yet one more time and would not be offered her placement?

All I know is that there is a two year old child who had her life shattered at 17 months, everything she knew of safety, security and love ripped away from her, and I have to fix that.

Because I cannot breathe without her in my life.

AND!

And I just realized someone IS saying "thank you!"  A. very much has her own language and carries on very fast conversations, and clearly knows just what she is saying (and is sure you know as well).  "Kitty," "Hi, kitty!" and "Uh oh" have been a part of her vocab (that others and I can understand) for months.

But it just clicked to me that "Dthuh do" that she has been saying for a while as well is her repeating back "thank you" to me.

Hey, I'm new at this mom thing!  And now I hear a string of "Uh ohs," coming from the kitchen, so off I go....

I really have to record these little milestones

Some one discovered her belly button this morning.  Even in the fit of overtired crankiness, she has to drop to the floor, pull up her shirt and manipulate her round Buddha belly until she can poke it again, checking to make sure it is still there.

I'm also highly amused that she discovered she cannot find it when standing.  A. has quite the impressive big round Buddha belly.  :)

Of course now I have to sorry that the red marks she is leaving on her belly from pulling at it will develop into bruises I have to somehow explain....

Late again

Remember those days of that 2ww, and what being late meant?  Ah, well, age, you have cured me.

I have been trying to find moment to get up here and update the events of the hearing on July 23, but Super!Active A really does make it challenging!  She is just downright jealous if I spend time on the computer -- she needs to drive that thing!  So I basically just stay away from it while she is awake.  And now it is past my bed-time (or what should be my bedtime), but not updating is driving me crazy.

Of course I'm still trying to figure out what exactly happened, and how to convey it.  Basically, the case switched judges.  Which my attorney was worried about.  Neither judge has a great reputation, but he felt we had more of chance of being heard with Judge #1.

Basically, what he did was prepare a motion to try and get me standing as a party to the case.  This is beyond a long-shot.  I'm a foster parent; no matter which legal argument you look at for the basis of standing, I don't have it.  BUT, it gave us the chance to present the motion to the court.  A beautiful, 4 page motion that laid out the plain and simple facts of this case.  A was born in State X; she is a citizen of State X; she had 2 1-hour visitations from BM before BM abandoned her in STate X 13 months ago; A is bonded with me and my family; A has never met her distant family in STate Y; all State X CPS is trying to do here is move her from one foster home to another.  So Judge #2 (who looks to be about 104) takes the time and reads the entire motion, then smiles at my attorney and says thank you, motion for standing is denied.  My attorney starts to argue and the judge cuts him off, saying of course foster parents are allowed to be present, they should be at every hearing (really?  could you tell my social worker who has lied to me about every singel court date that??), but I don't get to be a party to the case.

I'm beyond needing to throw up at this point.  Judge #2 then turns to the state and explodes in a tirade over, "Why are we here?  What are you doing to this poor 14 months old child?  Someone tell me why taking her out of her crib, her only home she has known and placing her with strangers in another state is in her best interest?"

I think my jaw hit the floor.  I wasn't expecting this from him.  Neither was the state's attorney, social worker, guardian ad litem or BM's public defender.  They were speechless and their head spinning.  All this is going on the record.  My attorney is able to jump up and interject with facts and information, and the state is looking more and more like idiots.  Their attorney kept stammering about it is required under law that A be placed with siblings (it isn't).  It was pointed out that these are half siblings, none with the same birth father.  The look of disgust on Judge #2's face was clear, and he continued to rant against the state and their delay on handling this case, and properly enacting the law.  (Come to find out, the ICPC paperwork required to be in place to move A out of state is NOT is her file -- NC has never returned it; the state was going to simply take her out of my care without it!!!)   He asked again, one final time on what basis the state was for making this decision (decision, not motion, as they had nothing in writing), and again the stammering argument that kinship placement is required.  Judge #2 sneered, "DNA denied, motion denied.  The child is to stay where she is.  If you don't like it, appeal it.  Let them decide upstairs what is in her best interest since none of you can."

I am seriously in love with Judge #2.

There is going to be another status hearing the end of August, hopefully still in front of this judge, who has clearly had it with the incompetancy of the state and how they sleep walk through cases, never actually looking at the facts and circumstances (never mind their huge effing mistake they made on this one).  BM's attorney is appealing the judges decision, so that is out there as well.

Meanwhile, amazing attorney* and I have put out heads together and have about 3 other irons in the fire right now just to keep me front and center in all the action, and to also make the state look like even bigger idiots for not going, "Gee, the child has a chance to permanency where she is now, and that is really what Title IV-E is really all about.  Should we stop wasting money and let her be adopted?"  Biggest thing is reaching out to BM, as she still has rights and can really call the shots on this one if she wishes.  I want her to know how great A is doing, and that I want A to know BM, her family and her half-siblings.  This is a chance for two families to grow and benefit, and this kiddo really deserves follow through on the opportunity she has been given here.

I love that when I first met with this attorney, he was reluctant to charge me much for this case, never mind take it, because he really didn't feel like we had a chance.  But as things unfolded and I passed on the research I had done and detailed the facts more, he has become more intrigued and excited about it, and really feels like we can make this happen.

~~~~~~~~

So that's where things are.  I still have phone calls and meetings and things I'm following up on our various irons that are in the fire.  A continues to amaze me and crack me up on a daily basis.  Climbing.  That is the new thing.  Serious climbing.  I always thought that there was a 2 months or so grace period between the beginning of walking and climbing; I got at most 2 weeks.  And she remains a complete mimic on everything.  I must talk on the phone more than I think because she is always on the phone, jib-jabbering away.  Talkative does not even begin to describe her.  Her language skills were evident at 6 months, and she has a very clear and evident language all her own, and is never quiet.  She talks to herself (and makes herself laugh, which is hysterical), her toys, the cats, the computer, me, and possibly a troop of invisible friends.

I cannot wait until the day I can share pictures with you all, because she really is something.  I have got to remember to take my video camera into the bath with us as she is very funny about taking the little round basin that came home with her from the hospital and putting it on her head as a hat, and then checking her reflection in the drain overflow cover, grinning and adjusting it, and posing at different angles.  As is constantly being on the phone wasn't evidence enough of the teenage years to come!


Thanks to ALL of you for your good thoughts and prayers, because I truly believe that was the basis for the shocking turn of events in court.  Please keep the prayers and thoughts coming as we still have a road to go on this, but we can prove we are might and strong -- with LOVE!!


*In talking with a psychologist friend who has a lot of experience in family court and with CPS, he asked who my attorney was and if I felt confident.  I said yes, and gave him my attorney's name.  He paused a second.  "Oh, yeah, I'm familiar with him.  Wow, I wouldn't want to be in court up against him."  Talk about a ringing endorsement.  :)

I know, it has been a while

And much has happened.

For as much as A knows, it has all been good.  Standing unsupported.  First step.  Holding off walking until starting unsupported mobility with a toddler-run.  Wonderful and nummy finger foods.  Words and pointing and learning.  Cuddles, and snuggles, and her favorite person on earth, me.

FOr me, I have all that good.  But several weeks ago the unthinkable happened, and I heard State B approved Distant Relative's home for placement.  State A shrugged said nothing to do.  No more hearings, no appeal, done deal.  Get ready to say goodbye.

I immediately offered weeks of time to sped in State B to allow A to acclimate and bond with this new family and crowded situation, numb to the reality that this was.  But first, Distant Relative would have to come visit in State A.  After all, Distant Relative (DR) had been clamoring to do so on a weekly basis.

Until reality, I guess.  Oh no, DR can't come to State A; DR has too many children to look after.  Oh, and I would not be part of the transition, as I was "too attached" to A.  Instead, a stranger would take her to State B.  There would be 1 hour long supervised visit at DR's home, and two additional 1 hour unsupervised visits, and then that was it.

This is when I woke from my trance.  First with screaming and wracking sobs, and then, quickly, anger and rage.

I have a lawyer.  I'm fighting.  Kinship placement or not, I will never be convinced the trauma being planned for this 14 month old child who is happy, safe, settled, attached and secure is in any why shape or form "in her best interest."

It's a dangerous and potentially losing battle.  But I will go down swinging with every last breath of my body to protect this little girl, and to stop the perpetuation of the cycle that created her birth mom.  I want to know why I have been lied to about every hearing date, why facts about DR seem murky, why DR would honestly refuse photos and progress reports on A, why can I not meet or talk to DR, and why this placement with family was not handled properly and timely in the first 3 months as it should have.  Well, I pretty much know why (federal $$$ reimbursement for placing a child with a relative), but I want the court to look me in the face and tell me why it is going to let a 14 month old child have her psyche destroyed and be whored out in order to get that money.

If DR truly and honestly has one sense of love and care for this child, they would want to know she is safe and secure and happy, and not want to rip her from the love and unending affection she is subject to.  I am never going to deny A her birth family.  I want and need her to know DR and her ever-increasing number of half-siblings, and her birth mother.  It will play as part of her identity as she grows up.  But why must it be done by creating a huge scar across her soul, stunting her intellectual growth and risk creating birth-mom-part-deux in 16-18 years.


Pray for us.  Burn incense.  Chant spells.  Light candles.  We need your love and guidance, and most especially the court needs to just pause one moment, let me present the facts I have, and weigh them.  And hopefully, hopefully, see the fragile, blooming human soul that hangs in the balance and truly does what is in her best interest.