Knocked Up By A Test Tube

December 6

2011-10-17T15:23:00.001-04:00

A date that now has significance, and I don't know if it is better knowing, or not knowing.

I'm a mom. But not your usual mom. I'm not making long-term plans and wishes. My precious little bundle is a temporary one, and I have learned to live in the moment. I live for those evening hours where we fall asleep curled into each other, feeling her soft breath on my throat, her tiny arms stretched to reach around each side of my neck. I let myself settle in to share her pre-bed-time nap, shutting out all cares of a messy and cluttered house, and a school semester that is kicking my ass. Just these moments, these are the ones that matter. They confirm what a happy, joyous little bean she is.

She belly laughs, she smiles, she sings in an impossibly high register. She flirts, she watches, her moss-green eyes missing nothing. We giggle and talk back and forth, and most of all, we both sigh as darkness falls, and we are reunited after a day apart, able to snuggle down into each others warmth.

You can only live for the moment, because it is all so tenuous. She doesn't know this, but I do.

She doesn't know the legal craziness her case is tied up in, but I do. I shake my head, I make calls to push and advocate. I clamor to know her guardian ad litem. Words like "permanency planning" make my heart leap with a sudden excitement and hopeful possibility. Until I'm reminded things are just "routine" and have no special meaning in this case. At least not yet.

There is an army of supporters sending out prayers. And two case workers nearly as passionate as I am. They've not seen us in those sleepy evening hours as the world fades away and we just simply are to each other, but they read the effects of it. On her. On me. Even my most feeble cry of frustration and advocacy are echoed by them.

Echoed in a way I didn't expect. "When was birth-mom's last visits?" There is a sudden counting out of months to six. December 6."We will file to terminate parental rights due to abandonment on that date. She will be available to adopt."

It is kind of stunning spoken reality of my greatest hope, something I didn't think possible. So soon. Really, so soon!

Oh, it isn't without a catch, without a chance for it all to evaporate into thin air. One simple phone call from birth-mom, and that goes away, a clock resets, and we are back into limbo. So maybe it was better not knowing, being able to live in just those moments, and not thinking ahead, not worrying, not wondering what is going to happen tomorrow, did anything happen today I don't yet know about.

And you expect me to pay attention to a lecture on heart failure and EKGs.

12 weeks

2011-08-13T12:47:00.003-04:00

And a couple days. :) But this past Wednesday marked someone's 12 week mark, and holy cow, it just amazes me how much she does for 12 weeks! Sleeps like a champ through the night (even as I grab her out of the bassinet to give her a diaper change as I head to bed at midnight-- she sleeps right through it).

Right now, she is hanging out in her jumper. Yes, a jumper at under 3 months because this girl needs to kick her legs!. So with the help of one of my crazy-thick text books under it, she is able to bounce about and get the lights and music to play and giggles herself silly. She lasts about a 1/2 hour until she exhausts herself into a sweat and needs to come out to snooze.

Which would be about now. Hold on....

Okay, we are both back now and she is intently watching my fingers on the keyboard. She loves this.

Other favorite activities these days are shoving both fists in the mouth at once. And did I mention she is a champ at peeing all over you, her and the changing table? I think she has 2 bladders. She got me the other night at the midnight diaper change, squirting up a huge fountain and soaking everything. Then just as everything was cleared away, I had her washed up and clean sleeper and diaper pulled out, she peed yet *another* fountain. I'm looking at her saying, there is no way in your big belly you have room for that much pee! And certainly not twice.

But this kid is talented. Her biggest talent though is charming everyone around her with he laugh, smile and just how stinkin' happy she is every minute of the day. Honestly, I have never met such a constantly cheerful little monkey. I've told her she's completely spoiled it for any other munchkin that has to follow in her footsteps. Not going to lie, I'm pretty spoiled right now!

I haz a purchase!

2011-08-03T20:29:00.004-04:00

Ooooh, I got home this morning to this sitting on my porch waiting for me:

Mwahahahaha! I have been craving this stroller for months, playing this video review of it nonstop, and watching prices on eBay and Amazon and elsewhere for a steal.

Lately, talk of travel out of town with the peanut in tow finally pushed me over the edge. Plus, I think my mom was very jealous of my Snap N Go frame I had been using as compared to the G.raco travel system I picked up for her, I was hoping she would get to snag the Snap N Go.

Well, we've been playing all evening in the house with this stroller and both the peanut and I LOVE it. Worth every penny!! I don't find it heavy when folded at all -- probably because I've been toting around peanut who is approaching Brazil nut (did I mention 13 pounds on the dot at her 2 month check up which was 4 weeks ago?).

But the stroller is fabulous, she loves the seat option, loves the pram option, and damn, I'm going to have to get some kind of a social life that involves me out and about walking with this thing!

Worst mommy ever?

2011-07-30T11:58:00.002-04:00

I feel like such a bad mommy, sitting with bebe on my lap as we cruise youtube videos of babies laughing so she can giggle, smile and kick her legs. She is so amused !

And having her giggle right now is a good thing. We have our first touch of Daycare Crud going on. Kiddo has a tendency to be stuffed up deep in the sinuses, but yesterday morning she sounded like a regular Snuffleupagus when she woke up. Unfortunately, it's all so high up, I can't even suction anything out for her. And she has the upset tummy with explosive diapers. So far I've done the steamy bathroom bit, and of course, Grandma El's on the butt. And trying to keep her upright most of the day to promote drainage and encouraging much napping. Her mood is a bit improved over yesterday when her usual fussy to full on cry fuse vanished so that we started right out in inconsolable. Poor thing was a confused by this development as she was to feeling crappy.

Oooh, we have a sneeze with snottage! We are off to see if there is more we can finally suction outta there.....

2 months!

2011-07-25T17:56:00.003-04:00

I just realized as I wrote the date down today that is has been 2 months since I picked up my little wiggle-butt from the hospital. What a two months it has been! Accomplishments include:

Sleeping through the night (week 4!)
Not spitting up (except when Bebe overfeeds her which has been a while)
Expressing her hatred of heat and humidity
Shoving her fist in her mouth
Letting out a loud scream of frustration when said fist will not fit all the way in mouth.
The most hysterical lilting "ooooh!" when she hears/sees something she really likes. Fun when reading or singing to her.
Giving the biggest smiles ever, even when waking up with a wet diaper and empty belly at 5 am.

Speaking of singing, I just serenaded her with a silly rendition of "One" from A Chorus Line (hey, knowledge of the classics of Broadway is crucial!) as I was changing her and had her in a constant state of a face-splitting grin and squeals of laughter.

Yeah, and you think I'm going to get homework down with this kind of audience around?

~*~*~*~*~

Again, I wish I could post pictures because for her actual two month birthday last week, I managed to get the most incredible photo of her. Asleep of course since school just wore us out and being awake for a photo shoot was not going to happen. But I promise you, I'm not one to brag about my photog skills (which I do have), but this picture rocks, and is going to be printed up on a canvas no matter what.

Trying to get back on the blog-wagon

2011-07-20T21:40:00.002-04:00

Anyone still out there? Not only have a been a bad blogger, I've been a terrible reader. Chalk it up to not being able to handle one more "I got my BFP!!!!!" post on the blog-roll several months back.

Well, that and life being crazy.

In case you've paid attention to this feed at all today, you may have seen a couple posts go up earlier in the day. They should be back dated to May, as I'm trying to catch up on some news that needs to be posted here. Suffice to say, a foster-baby has found her way to this nest and been here exactly 8 weeks as of today. We are in a holding pattern of waiting to hear from another state regarding a kinship relocation for her (which hurts dreadfully as she has been such a perfect fit for me and my entire family). But I'm each day as it passes.

So give me some time over this weekend, and I'll try to get a few more back-dated posts in with details and all the rest. :)

2011-05-27T23:12:00.000-04:00

Someone is having a hard time figuring out what she needs to settle herself tonight thank goodness for the moby wrap. We had a day packed full of non-stop activity, and 11 pm tends to be the witching hour for her, so she's just overwhelmed at the moment. We finally seem to be having some quiet moments,

I of course am now wide awake. and yet to work on my clinical writing for class that I really needed to do yesterday. Not that I really mind having a reason to procrastinate.

Could someone go empty cat boxes for me right now? I don't want to break this moment of calm.

~*~*~*~*~*~

[A] remains the absolute easiest baby, and is high up on the cutest thing ever ranking. my CF social worker was out for a visit today and had more information on birth mom, which I won't be sharing on a public forum. SUffice to say she has an extensive history in another state, and [A] has 5 siblings. This will be a kinship placement, but with family out of state, so an ICPC is in the works. Unfortunately, no real timeline on how long it will all take.

So we will continue to enjoy the time we have. And I'll continue to be so thankful so such a sweet and easy girl for my first ride on this merry-go-round.

so far, so good...

2011-05-25T21:31:00.003-04:00

Granted, it's not 2 am, but from what I've seen so far, this is one mellow kid. Which is great considering how nervous I was this morning.

And this despite placement at the hospital this morning being, well, less than ideal. (Birth mom showed up on the floor, so everyone got in a tizzy) I wasn't able to do a diaper change and feeding before leaving. Luckily, the private agency I'm fostering for (CF) had an office around the corner that they conveniently share with WIC. So my CF social worker and I headed over there to feed and change, and oh, hey, I can go ahead and apply for WIC here instead of my home office? Many birds, one stone.

Since getting home, we have hung out in the papa san swing, the bouncer in the kitchen, managed to change cloth diapers, get several more feedings down (this kid prefers her formula room temp -- she's making it too easy on me!), and are now trying out the Moby Wrap which she has just decided is amazingly cool and wonderful to actually be on someone all the time. But yeah, some mild fussing is about as upset as we have gotten.

Oh, and she is beyond adorable. I hate that I am not allowed to share pictures because she is precious and perfect. And also the palest AA baby ever! LOL! Seriously, she's my skin tone, which is about that of a corpse. This also led to some amusement at the hospital since the social workers and I had been told this was an AA placement, we are in the nursery going over the discharge, and the nurse says, "Okay, go get her, she's all yours." Um, okay. There are only a few babies in the nursery, and all but one are on monitors, and the one not on a monitor is pink with Caucasian fine and straight hair. Um, some direction here, please?

24 hour preganancy

2011-05-24T09:58:00.004-04:00

Had a call yesterday afternoon. My foster parent license was in. And by the way, here is a possible placement. The details (such as they were) were read to me, and there was no hesitation in me saying, "Yes". Drug use, no prenatal care, history of disease in the family, none of it mattered. Baby. Baby in need of home.

Yes.

Me. Baby. Tomorrow.

The foster mommy gig just got real, folks. Am spending the evening setting up a pack N Play bassinet, sterilizing bottles and installing a car seat.

And trying not to throw up from nerves.

progress on the foster-parent front

2011-03-11T09:54:00.004-05:00

Had my final homestudy visit yesterday, and basically everything is going to be written up and we are looking at a DCYF approval at the end of this month. There may or there may not be an immediate placement. And who knows what the placement will be.

But yes, sometime in the very near future there will be an infant in this house. Last week I went out and hit consignment shops and craigslist for basic supplies - car set, stroller, swing, pack & play, plus some infant toys.

Now I'm on to the cloth diaper investigation and acquisition. I had to break down and order a new battery for my laptop, so while up on amazon, some bath towels and bottles and a warmer found their way in my cart.

I still have to choose a pediatrician, and interview some more daycares and babysitters. But yup, school and baby, heading into exams and a busy summer full of classes and clinicals as well. But I know this is something I can do.

Throw open every door; you never know where someone intends to knock

2011-01-13T22:12:00.004-05:00

Now, if only I wasn't battling five kinds of crazy-tired and chasing after 6 million balls at once, I'd have a chance to open a few more doors in life.

But I kicked a big one open last week. Back in October, I finally decided to suck it up and head off to a meeting DCYF (Dept of Children, Youth and Family -- hey, you know guessed what state I'm in!) was having on their foster and adoption program. As expected, adoptions through DCYF do not start until the child is at least 6 years old. All hail the classic "we must do everything to reunite the family even if it is unhealthy" philosophy. I know, I can debate both sides of that argument backwards and forwards, but I'm a wee bit leery of the extent to which DCYF goes on this, especially after clerking in family court, and interviewing for a job as an attorney with DCYF. Which I turned down, because seriously, that scary understaffed and overworked office they like to show on television for that? THat would be sugar coated about 10 times over from the horrifying reality.

Anyway, as I was sitting in the meeting and hearing more on fostering, and trying to figure out if I could really adopt an older school age child who had already been in the system for eons, and didn't just come with issues, but rather publications, little bells started going off in my head on fostering for infants. Yes, and infant, and handing it back to family that has gotten it's sh!t back together. Part of me is going "WHat are you doing? You are insane! Stop this!" A much larger part of me was rolling around in all my developmental psych studies, shouting things like "secure attachment!"

I walked out of there going, I want to be a foster mom for infants. Maybe one will stay, maybe one won't. But I can make a difference. Just for the record, my cynical side is no longer talking to me.

I began to try and wade through the disorganized mess of forms (some of which were photocopies of handwritten mimeograph forms. Hello, the 1980s called....) they gave me to start the enrollment process that needed to be completed before I could start training classes. Luckily, I was smart enough to talk to a family member regarding a reference, and she happens to work with a private foster/adopt agency that works with DCYF. She steered me straight to their foster recruitment program, and they completely sold me on working with the private agency. Yes, foster children still from from DCYF, but now you don't have only an overworked state social worker as a contact. You have a social worked from the agency as well, as well as a dozen other people on staff working both on behalf of the child, the birth family, AND the foster parent. They know how to kid kids from languishing in the foster care system and kick things into overdrive -- either by above and beyond support and training for the birth family so their sh!t really is together, or making the state and the courts open their eyes and see that some chaotic situation are never going to be able to be fixed, so why are we punishing a child by keeping them in a tenuous and different kind of chaotic situation.

TRaining classes started last week, and if it hadn't been for a huge blizzard this week, I likely would of already had a case-worker assigned to me and home-study kicked off. But that is all on the horizon.

Bottom line is that in three months or so, once I'm approved, I could have a placement. I could be a full-time student, part-time birth doula, and full-time foster mom.

Me. <---- Insane.

But completely loving it. :)

Now, to start working on those other doors. Anyone want to help me right up a profile to make my womb look like the amazing location it is for a few frozen embryos? Oh great, I just got the idea for a profile headline... Instead of the typical "Family with so much love to give", I can see, "Spa-like retreat in this tropical beach-side womb -- just the place to thaw out and relax!"

I did mention the five different kinds of tired, right? Yeah. I get punchy when I'm this tired.

Over and out!

Just because you have your feet in stirrups doesn't mean you have to take it lying down

2010-12-30T16:58:00.003-05:00

Who is this person, and why is she posting on this blog that had long ago been marked as dead? I know, I know, but with all that came at me this fall, I think part of me had to hibernate to protect itself. But it doesn't mean I've given up. I've just been busy trying to find the right path to becoming a mom.

Of course, I'm no closer to figuring it out, but I figured I needed to at least surface one more time in 2010.

Also, if I didn't get down that quote for the subject, I was going to forget it. ;) And the context behind it that was my fight with the Big Huge Reproductive Medicine Center after I started to get bill, upon bill, upon bill for what I had put down an enormous deposit to cover, even though they said the cost would only be half that.

Oh, big medical offices, always finding a way to bill you for things NOT covered, never mind flat out LYING to you. Oddly enough, I knew this was the very reason that Dr. Wonderful and 3 of her colleagues were leaving BHRMC...

But, dear readers, I didn't take it lying down and hit back swinging. Do not mess with a woman on her 4th chemical pregnancy and with hormones completely out of whack from injectibles. I used my knowledge of the knock-down drag-out going on internally and got in some nasty punches. I also demanded that everything I was being charged for (twice -- they tried to charge me for everything twice!) be submitted to my insurance company for reimbursement, and marked as diagnostic. As expected, insurance did pay, and I suddenly had a refund for my deposit.

But it doesn't leave me any less skittish about these REs and their looking at our IF as a huge money making machine. It just makes the whole thing hurt even more. The desire seems so simple: a child to love. But what you do trying so hard to get there seems oh so unfair!

That is about where I am right now. Still hurting, still nursing my wounds, still wanting so badly, and not knowing what direction to go next in order to be knocked down again. I promise to try and stop by more often in the new year as I cautiously start this journey again.

drive-by posting

2010-08-31T08:33:00.003-04:00

All my classes these days seem to be focusing on fertilized eggs and the growth of zygote to fetus. I never thought this would drive me batty, but yeah, constant reminders.

And I suppose I should also mention chemical pregnancy #4. An actual positive on the DPO12. Symptoms up the wazoo. But then suddenly, night sweats. I panicked, and rightly so. I checked again on DPO14 (which was before my scheduled beta) and it was negative. Beta day was mandatory with the new office, so it was not a good day. Anyway, it happened. It's over. I'm back to being crazy busy with other bits of life and rebuilding that shattered wall of my emotions, again hoping it is stronger than the prior walls I kept having to rebuild.

I remain in a holding pattern, hoping for an egg or frozen embryo to come my way. Have some interesting thoughts and debates on that. But right now, I really need to get back to class stuff.

nothing much going on

2010-08-11T07:50:00.005-04:00

Figured I should at least update to say that I'm really not approaching this time as a 2ww. Which is why I didn't really want to post, because after how many times now, another BFN at the end of it -- or another nanosecond chemical pregnancy -- is just ... aggravating? Depressing? So I'm doing fine just going about my business as normal and not thinking about things. And honestly class-work and a flurry of exams have really helped with this.

Though I should mention that the day of IUI#7 (a Saturday) did not exactly go as smoothly as I had planned. Got to the hospital campus on time, parked in my sneaky little spot no one ever thinks to park in, and wandered over to the complex where the urologists office is located. And couldn't get in the building. Side doors locked and the automatic main entry refusing to open. Hello panic. Luckily I had the number of the office on my cell and was able to call, and left a frantic message for the lab saying, I'm here, it's 9:00am, you thawed my swimmers at 8:30 am, and I need to be inseminated STAT! I wondered if I should run over to the other bock and wind my way through the maze of buildings to get to one of the connector bridges that should let me in to the office complex. Luckily, the lab called me back right away and suggested I just force my way in the automatic door. "We don't know why, but security tends to turn them off on weekends, even though all the offices are open." o_0 So I got all muscly, and managed to crack open the auto door enough to squeeze through and raced up to the office.

Of course once up there, a rather snotty receptionist on duty handed me a stack of new patient forms to fill out. I looked at her and then back at the forms and informed her that I had already filled these out as part of the package from the RE's office I dropped off a couple weeks ago. And hi, not really a new patient. I'm just here to get knocked up. She curtly told me to fill out the forms.

Needless to say, I filled them out, blowing through most everything and not even caring about medication allergies since I wouldn't be getting any medications from them. I handed them back to SnotFace and she told me to have a seat and wait in the empty waiting room. At this point I informed her it was 9:15 am, the lab had thawed my sample at 8:30 am, and did she realize that sample had at best an hour lifespan after such thawing. SnotFace had the gall to try and give me attitude back, saying she needed to prepare a proper office file for me since no one had done it for her, and paperwork was required. I cut her off, emphasizing once again that hello, I ALREADY GAVE YOU THAT, and I'm only here to be for an insemination, so what the heck did they need to know about the history of my peeing?

At this point, a very cheerful face appeared behind SnotFace and slapped down a file folder with my name on it, and all my previously turned in paperwork, pointing out to SnotFace that I was right, I had handed everything in, and someone did prepare the office file as needed which SnotFace would have seen opened her eyes and looked in the proper place. Cheerful person then sang out that I was ready and please walk around to meet her in the hall.

As she guided me to room #7, she introduced herself as "J___, the nice one in the office." J. is a kick-ass RN, has struggled with infertility herself, and boy, did we have a great time talking about trying to get pregnant, office politics, and nursing school. Made that whole waiting with my legs up in the air just fly by. She honestly was insanely nice and such a delight. Helped to turn around my starting to stress over the whole situation.

But that is really the only thing of note since last checking in. Like I said, not even letting myself hold out any hope for this time around, and instead am seriously pursuing frozen-embryo adoption. After checking out several sites and clinics suggested by others, I am really sucked in my Miracles Waiting and the hope of an open donation. I love the idea of that connection and building a rather unconventional yet joyful extended family. As soon as finals for one of my classes settles down this week, I'll be getting my profile posted up there. That's where you can keep those lucky thoughts and crossed fingers focused! :)

ha ha, faked you out!

2010-07-30T21:09:00.002-04:00

That would be my left ovary mocking me in the subject line. After 2 days of tightness, fullness and pain over my left ovary, I got up this morning (conveniently forgetting to take my temp) and it was ... gone. I headed off to my early morning sono and bloodwork with my emotions around my toenails.

Uber-cheerful Wandi (what I have dubbed the sonogram tech) tried to happily talk me down from my cliff ,asking if the sperm was in, and I ducked behind the curtain to jump into a sheet. She then talked to me through the reading, saying I had a big 20mm and another 14mm follie on my right ovary. Left ovary came into view ... with nothing. No follies, no fluid, no cysts.

Um, guys, what was all that commotion down there about?

And bugger, 2 follicles, only one of which useful. (but as Wandi reminded me with a big smile, but it only takes one!! ::grumble -- I don't want to hear it right now) I headed home to sulk and wait for the call from the RN on my lab results. I could tell with a 20mm one sitting there I was going to trigger tonight.

And so I did. My estrodiol was in the high 300s, and my LH was already at 18. Surging on Day 10. Great. Nice way to bake a healthy egg there, body. < / sarcasm > So I'll be heading over to the back-up location of the urology office that has the lab with my sperm tomorrow, and one of their RNs will do the IUI at 9:00am.

I'm not thrilled, with the IUI so soon after the trigger. Then again, I could be popping that follie at anytime, so who knows.

I'm going to get back to surfing for potential donor embryos to console myself.

okay, my body is responding to something!

2010-07-29T12:07:00.002-04:00

I feel like my left ovary is going to explode. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed this is good, and that no follies decide to pop early or anything. Everyone behave until tomorrow's sonogram, you hear me?

Also, had to search to see if "raging uncontrollable libido" was listed as a side effect of Gonal-F. May go nuts over the next few days. Please forward any cute men with a lot of stamina to my address.

Oh, and just to finish up the TMI, can we say copious EWCM?

Obviously my fears that a medicated cycle would be too rough on my body and I wouldn't respond well were completely unfounded.

huh. Didn't expect that.

2010-07-26T16:10:00.004-04:00

Then again, there were a lot of things last week I didn't expect. Like finally having enough of the strum und drang of the workplace drama and informing the powers that be that hey, I'm already a full time student, they don't have work for me, mind if I leave on Friday?

Of course any doubt I had of that decision soon was worn away. On my way to class Thursday (about an hour after saying, "yo, you all are crazy here! Move my lay-off date up please.") I got a call from the new RE's office. seems that my appointment scheduled on the 30th needed to be bumped up to the 23rd. Seeing as how I had been wondering how in the heck I was going to talk my way into being out of the office on the 30th, I know ad to figure out how to do it on the day I was leaving. Decided that a half day as my last day would be the perfect solution, and sure, I could be there for 11:30.

Of course I thought this follow up would be on the sad state of my body and talking over donor egg/donor embryo possibilities. Knock me over with a feather when new RE suggests we do on last IUI with injectables. Only a 5% chance, but in comparison to the other clinic I was going to, paying for all out of pocket (meds, monitoring, IUI) it was a bargain.

Mind, this was a snap decision that had to be made. I was on CD3 after having done a full 2 weeks of estrogen priming for the prior cycle. I was also freshly (and yet blissfully) unemployed. I was also caffeinated.

(Did I mention that after the call on my AMH number a couple weeks ago that charting, monitoring, and coddling my body had gone out the window?)

But then again, let's add up these signs:

appointment rescheduled for what happens to be my CD3.
I just quit a highly stressful and miserable making job.
I just did a cycle of estrogen priming.
I had one vial of IUI sperm left.
I had treated my body like crap for the last few weeks.

Yeah, I didn't need a sledgehammer to tell me let's go for it. This was the one last hurrah I wanted to give my body. Yet without the stress of IVF.

RE was quite amused with my shock and awe at all of this, and began to type of the blood requests and send off all the various forms that needed to run through the Big Practice system for pre-payment and all the rest. She then got a grin on her face and said, "Won't it be great if you get pregnant on this cycle?" Uh, yeah. Let's go with that thought.

So I got to hang around the office for the next hour or so as we did CD3 testing, met with nurse to go over injections, and got my samples of Gonal-F, info on the order that would be placed for me at the fertility pharmacy they use (complete with 2 for 1 Gonal-F pen special going on), how to get my sperm to the lab they use at the hospital campus for storage, and, oh, one last go at my veins as they realized all my virus testing was more than a year old and needed to be rerun. I didn't mind, but I felt bad for the techs since I had only had a coffee at 5:30 am, and oddly for me, did not suck down any water prior to getting there.

Looking back at the time there, and then down on the hospital campus to drop off my forms at the cryo lab there, I was *really* glad I wasn't having to freak out about getting back to work. Whew!

And yes, I am still researching donor embryos (really seems to be the way I want go), and will be following up with that this coming month big-time. I'm realistic about all this.

I'm on a low-stim protocol, with 150 of Gonal-F a night. I'll go back for an ultrasound and bloodwork on CD10. Ovidrel will be used to trigger. There was no mention of GnRH antagonists, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed my LH levels don't decided to do the wacky and start popping follies early.

Honestly, this fell into place to quickly and easily, I'm a little numb by it all. I think instead I'll focus on the rash of mid-terms I have going on this week.

a quickie

2010-07-13T06:53:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to post a very heart-felt thankful for all the wonderful comments I've received. I Am okay, and I know that my baby, no matter how it gets here, is out there waiting for me. DNA has very little to do with it. After all, I did initially begin this whole pursuit thinking I was going the road of adoption. But I think the change to having the possibility of carrying my own child lit a little spark in me that was a wee bit stronger than I thought.

And being a gathering of our family and our identical looking faces this weekend added a fun little spin on it all. But I had my wine, I had my tears. Time to keep moving.

What I'm struggling now with is the stress of FINDING a donor egg or embryo. And not having to remortgage my house in order to afford it. Work blocking every non-business website these days is really cutting down on my research time! My sisters are all older than I am, and well past having any eggs themselves. I have some lovely nieces, but as someone said, I think that leads to some weirdness in the family! :)

The right little cell/collection of cells will come along. It is just being patient (not somethingI'm known for!) that is really hard.

Thank you again, for all the words of support. Where would I be without the internets?

crap

2010-07-09T18:13:00.003-04:00

As I was sitting on a plane today, waiting to take off to Charleston for the weekend, my phone rang. I had a feeling when the number popped up as "blocked" that is was the new Dr.'s office.

In fact it was the new Dr. herself.

She didn't sound as enthusiastic with my numbers as I had been. That's because that missing AMH number came in.

0.22

I have no eggs left. The low FSH may indicate that they can get me to respond to meds, but the AMH means they will only get at most, 1 or 2. The chances of those 1 or 2 being healthy eggs? Really, really low.

I knew this was hanging out there. But after several hours, it is finally starting to sink in. adjectives like "barren" keep popping into my head out of nowhere.

From the get go, this was never about a biological child for me. But somehow getting diverted onto the TTC path has made me think more and more about the possibility of a biological child and how amazing that would be. We are a cute family with some really strong genes (my siblings and I and all my nieces and nephews look *exactly* alike). Picturing that has started to play in my mind.

I think it has also been playing in my mind to think of that with the added "as if" I had managed to get married. That happy little family unit, the great combination of our genes. My way of tormenting myself.

Now I'm thinking what that would all be in the context of the truth of my physicality. Barren. Infertile. How that can have additional impact when you are part of a couple. I think of what a failure I would be. Gosh, maybe it was better things worked out the way they did and The One That Got Away got someone who was fertile (even in her 40s). One more dig to that gaping hole in my heart.

Instead I have to fight this and start thinking donor embryos. Start doing research. Start finding a donor. Focus on the positive and what can be, and not what is not and never will be, right?

Right.

Still, I think copious amounts of wine and some tears are on the to do list this weekend.

now for the rest of the story

2010-06-25T15:00:00.001-04:00

[originally saved as a draft under the title "my gut says ... this feels right"]

Wow, didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. The new schedule of juggling work and school has me busier and more sleep deprived than I've been in that last two years of the From Hell work project, but I am so much happier. At least when I'm in lab/class or studying. Work I have a hard time giving a fig about. Except when I remind myself that a lack of income is looming fast on the horizon.

Friday (okay, now last Friday) I had my appointment with the new RE, Dr. W. I like her. The office was quiet, low key. but very friendly, and not at all the rushed, you are just a mouse in the lab feeling that I had from the other REs office. I was an actual human being here. It could be because this is a satellite office for a big city clinic with lots of smaller offices, and only one doctor on staff here.

Or it could just be because they are awesome and have a different approach to it all.

First thing was it was the doctor who came to the waiting area (right on time) and called me back with a huge smile on her face. She is cheerful, bright and enthusiastic. And realistic. She also gave me the usual, "You are here on your own? Where are the men? Look at you, you are beautiful, professional, why no partner?" If you could figure that one out as well as my fertility....

We sat in her office and reviewed my history and medical file, and finally got to those pesky numbers. Mind, they only have the CD3 testing that had been run last March (09) as part of my clomid challenge. I was not about to offer up, "Oh, hey, my midwife ran CD3 tests last month too, and just to let you know, my FSH was up to nearly 40 now!"

And this is where the doctor was realistic: my numbers suck. They are basically saying that someone who should not be facing diminished ovarian reserve yet is. It's a fact. But where she differed from my prior RE is she mentioned donor eggs or donor embryos with enthusiasm, and asked very gently, "How important to you is it that this be genetic child of yours?" I know my answer, but the power of the emotion still caught me off guard, so I was more than a bit choked up as I answered. I've been on this road a long time. Sometime in college I decided "I'm adopting a baby" and having a husband never entered my mind as part of that picture. I've fought the adoption fight for close to four years, and came out feeling beat up and worthless, and basically like there was no hope as a single woman. I know, it does happen, but it is few and far between. Being turned away from agencies, nearly scammed by others, all the rest I won't even get into right now. I'll go back if I have to, but I want to give the chance to carry and birth a child one hell of a fight first.

When my prior RE had given me the "It's hopeless with your own eggs" speech, she rambled right into, "You'd have to consider donor eggs, and that's just so expensive, you really don't want to go down that road when in the end it wouldn't end up being your child."

Yeah, she said that. SHE. A woman. In the reproductive field. I think that is pretty much when my heart said "Bitch! I'm done with you!"

Is donor egg/donor embryo easy or inexpensive? Hell, no. But I'm sorry, when you take a cell or a small handful of cells and nestle it into your womb and feed and nourish and grow those cells through the miracle of it all with every bit of life force from you, how can you dare say it's not your child? How can you say to a child that you adopt, and look at the first time and know instantly that this is the child that has been waiting for you and meant to be and give that first hug that forms the start of that bond and say it's not your child? Anyway, I don't want to get sidetracked with this, but it really struck me the difference in how the two female doctors approached this.

So I said I was certainly open to donor eggs/donor embryo provided we are not talking about a $40K egg. But I wanted to give my body one last shot. One good kick in the pants to see if there was a good egg that could be shaken out. The RE smiled and said, "Good. We're going to get you your baby." And that was a phrase she said a couple of times. In her words, it takes three things for a pregnancy: a womb, sperm, and an egg; but people often mistake that a womb is just 1/3 of the equation -- it is much more.

In reading through the land of IF in the last year plus, you find there are two types of REs -- those who look at FSH, see one high number and say, "Nope, that is what your body is saying, and it's over" and those who read FSH month to month, and look for a low FSH month to try an IUI or IVF. Happily, new RE is in the latter camp, believing fully that FSH varies from month to month, and that doctors and acupuncturists can lower it and get a good egg. She agreed that my scarred and stunted right ovary may very well be affecting the FSH number since all others numbers looked good. But she also cautioned that endometriosis is very strongly connected to DOR. Research suggests that inflammation in the abdomen and the stimulation of the body's immune defense to that probably has a lot to do with destroying the primordial ovarian reserve.

So the protocol we decided on was to see if my body would respond to FSH suppression with estrogen (Estrace). This would help my pituitary relax since it was thinking the ovaries were busy doing their job, help to down-regulate my FSH receptors (which are most likely shot and exhausted after be yelled at so loudly month to month), and it would also give my follies a nice vacation to sit around in a pool of happy estrogen, and fat and strong. Sound like a win to me! So two weeks of Estrace, stop, I'd get my period and then we would do CD3 testing and go from there. If it could be lowered to 15 or under, IUI was possible. If it got to 12 or below, oh, we're talking IVF.

I left feeling good, but also realistic. I really don't think estrogen is necessarily going to do anything. After all, haven't I had a history of estrogen dominance? I tried to not let my logical brain take over, and started the Estrace on Saturday. It was about then, too, that I just seemed to let out one last held breath and said "whatever". It is what it is, I can't control it and change it. But I can move on to contingency plans and just not be so wound up in it all.

Which means I felt really good this week. Well, at least until class on Wednesday and the surprise period explosion after only 4 days of Estrace. (is it really a surprise if your cycle was 30 days long? Yeah, I didn't think so...)

~.~.~.~

And so we come to today and CD3 testing. I had/have a migraine to beat the band today, but stumbled out to the REs office for blood work and a scan. Nurse H who was driving the dildo cam today was excessively cheerful for 7:45am, but I'll take it. I didn't get to see the screen, so was a wreck over what my terrible antral count would be. Until she reminded me that I was on a suppression cycle, and they weren't expecting to see much. As expect, old Righty is a dud, still tiny, and absolutely void of follies. But Leftie apparently had 4 nice ones sitting out on pool floats, soaking up the rays. Nurse H chirped that this was an excellent reading for a FSH suppression cycle and sent me off with a huge smile.

I managed to keep from barfing at work (migraine) until noon and then packed it in. As I got home, my cell rang, and Nurse P was calling with my blood work. The AMH wasn't back yet, but she had the rest. My jaw hit the floor:

TSH - 2.87

Prolactin - 11.9

LH - 5.6

E2 - 36.7

FSH - ....... 14.2

Say what?!? I made her repeat the FSH a couple of times. She said she was quite pleased with the response and though the doctor is on vacation and I have to schedule a follow up with her to confirm anything as far as how we are proceeding, she said hopping back on the Estrace for a couple weeks would not be a bad idea.

So I should really go and call the office to schedule that follow up, and take a nap to chase of this migraine, but good golly, it looks like we may be on to something here!

::headdesk::

2010-06-23T11:04:00.003-04:00

I have an entry on this past Friday's new RE visit half drafted (damn you work for blocking blogger and keeping me from running my personal life on work hours!) but small little blip on the radar for today.

Hello, surprise CD1!! While on campus. And waiting for a CD3 testing (blood and antral follicle count) for my cycle start after two weeks of estrogen.

Only problem being I'm only been on the estrogen 4 days, so do we test?

Cue me trying to get hold of the doctors office (note to self, please put office number in phone ASAP) as I'm running back to my car for "supplies" between lab and class. In the miserable heat and humidity that we are having. Ick. Very sweaty now.

All this will make much more sense once I get that other entry finished. And this will be a good kick in my butt to go ahead and get it finished!

pulling myself back together

2010-05-29T22:19:00.004-04:00

this past week has been hard, to put it mildly. in a way i was lucky to have the distraction of classes started and being caught in the whirlwind of 5 hours a day of a summer accelerated organic chemistry lab and lecture to keep my mind occupied. but once i was at work in the afternoons and bored with the document monkey work (which takes about 0.35 seconds), i would spiral down into sudden tears, fits of rage, and searching the internet.

luckily for my sanity, firewall problems at work have meant nearly every site has not been blocked as of mid-week. instead i'm sending myself emails reminders at home for things to look up and investigate.

first order of business was making an appointment with the other RE clinic in town. i have a friend (also single) who has been seeing that doctor and has great things to say about the doctor and practice. I had a follow up with the mid-wife on CD3 for labs, and mentioned the potential of seeing the new Dr. W, and she also added her high recommendation, noting that she had worked with Dr. W and Dr. W was "in the trenches" as a normal OBGYN.

the RE clinic (which is huge, and actually headquartered in a neighboring state) called me back promptly Thursday morning after my Wednesday evening internet appointment request. they are sharp and on the ball, and not at all phased with working with a single woman. in fact that were well versed in the area, knew the issues with my health insurance (they refuse to cover fertility treatments if you are single) and it was explained to me how they would work with that limitation to be able to circumvent restrictions and keep my costs down as much as possible. So i have an appointment of 6/18. fingers are crossed.

i think i mentioned that after my one and only FSH test back in March of 2009, i had kept an eye on those level with the "at home" urine tests. they show positive for a number of 25 or higher. once i started acupuncture, the test line was becoming fainter and fainter, and a couple months ago, there was no second line at all. hurrah, or so it seemed, i had beaten the high FSH.

maybe it was just this past cycle, or maybe those tests are crap, because the CD3 bloodwork we did on this cycle came back with an FSH of 37. on top of it, my estrogen was low. basically, my pituitary is screaming like a drill sergeant and the ovaries are doing nothing. i'm back to remembering my original RE's question of whether i was missing part of an ovary.

certainly these numbers are looking like i'm missing an ovary, or part of one. we know the right one is pretty much kaput, but how can i be testing over the course of the cycle with estrogen dominance and yet on day 3 be completely deficient. add into my tendency to surge/ovulate early (CD11 surge is the norm for me) and all signs point to crappy, crappy eggs. i guess this will be a mystery for the new RE.

my plan at this point is to push for two aggressive medicated IUI cycles. I keep hearing good things about Femara and its ability to produce high quality eggs. if that doesn't work, i'll do one round of IVF -- possibly low-stim if i again am showing signs of being a "poor responder". i think that is probably the limit of what my body can handle as far as influx of meds. the step beyond that will be looking into frozen embryo donation.

i started a 3 week purification program today (from Standard Process this time). not too bad, but i definitely feel like crap today. i think there is going to be a lot of lounging around and hot baths to pull out the toxins this weekend.

for as much as this post is spilling out of me in a very business and cut and dry fashion, the anger and frustration is still there. i'm just having to shove it to the side to get on with the mission of making this need become a reality. it also hit me that if i am going to go through my doula certification, i need to build up some stronger emotional barriers. it's weird enough to be doing the readings and get defensive and hurt at the mention of the partner; seeing things play out in reality is going to be even harder.

yep. i've pulled up my big girl panties and i'm ready to fight for this once again. i can't keep bemoaning the card i've been dealt when all it does is pull me down.

no go

2010-05-26T14:43:00.002-04:00

something happened this past cycle, but early Monday morning I began to spot. having one of the most violent periods ever.

am going to have to do some serious reconsidering of my approach on things, and reanalyze what i can get insurance to cover and what i can't.

i'm angry, frustrated, and mighty pissed off at the Universe right now. this is not the life i was going to grow up and have. some small piece of it has to come true.

14dpo

2010-05-21T07:59:00.004-04:00

yesterday morning my temp dropped from the wednesday morning's wowza high. mind, it was still way above coverline and higher than it had been for the luteal phase. i was majorly crampy with a blazing headache all day. all i could think was i'm getting my period. but i never have cramps until i actually start bleeding.

i was an insane mess. which probably explains my appetite being completely off and litle waves of queasiness.

this morning my temp jumped back up again. there is no question i'm queasy and still mildly crampy. my head is in danger of being chopped off if it doesn't stop hurting.

there is a nasty little virus going around work, so i'm being realistic. but it is 14dpo. last cycle on the 200mg progesterone my period broke through in the evening. i'm only on 100mg this cycle, but, uh, that more effective form.

(and yes, the fact that my period broke through last time is why i am refusing to test this go around. well, at least not until Sunday, but you know even then i'll be terrified of that blazing white space next to the control line...)

nevertheless, fertilityfriend.com has bumped my early pregnancy signs to 46 points.

i think my brain will once again be missing from work today. wonder if i should call in sick and use up some of my vacation time....

not sign stalking. really. honest

2010-05-19T17:53:00.005-04:00

my temp this morning (12dpo) like whoa. never been that high when charting except for the chemical pregnancy.

i can feel my uterus is all sorts of weird ways.

my pulses are seriously booming and a bit quicker.

BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE ANY OF THIS COULD MEAN ANYTHING. really. honest. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.....

*~*~*

in the realm of different news, i will be leaving my workplace of hell come September. it is official, and to be fair, workplace has been *very* generous and supportive in this change of careers at mid-life. i think they were wondering what they could do with me know that work has dried up. my summer on reduced hours and full benefits is smelling very much like a nice severance package, and they really are bending over backwards to help me transition.

classes and my reduced hours start Monday. having a date when i'm leaving this job (and knowing i need to find something else a bit more flexible and brain-easy come fall when i'm back in school full time) has made all the difference. knowing what my COBRA payments will be has lifted a weight off me, and i realize i can totally do this.

i'll refrain from going on and on about how ~*perfectly*~ timed (no, i'm serious!!!) would be right now.

let's just keep fingers crossed to have the last piece of the puzzle of my life to fall into place.

one week down....

2010-05-17T11:08:00.002-04:00

since i know some of you are actually wondering what is up, i figured i better update. except, well, i really don't have anything for you. :) sure, there is some pressure and occasional twinges in the belly, but being hyper-sensitive at this point, and not knowing if that is an intestine or bowel twinge vs. a uterine twinge, not really helpful. low back ache? yup. but i've been out and about, playing in the garden, decluttering the house, sleeping funny, so again, inconclusive. no temp spike, no spotting, so ugh, its that final week of "omg, i have NO symptoms."

which, hello, for the majority of people in their 2ww that end up with a BFP is the norm. so forget it, i'm not playing the symptom spotting game.

no matter how strong and rapid my pulse is....

besides, it is probably the progesterone talking. which, thanks to the switch from the oral Prometirum to the ol', um, shall we say, "non-oral" form of progesterone, i am not gaining 10 pounds and having massive mood swings. people touting the no side-effects from the suppository vs oral form of progesterone are not kidding. i am much, much happier.

i do have to share my greatest amusement in calling the compounding pharmacy to check if my script was ready to be picked up, their "on hold" message promoting their "Rectal Rocket" was hilarious. they may have been touting how smooth and effective it was in providing immediate hemorrhoid relief, but i'm not sure i want something called a "rocket" anywhere near my tushie.

but, sadly, it has been confirmed i am simply a crazy old cat lady. i tried my darnedest with that little dog to make her happy and comfortable, but my goodness, was i stressing out. the fact that she had never actually been paper-trained was not helping, as was the fact that she had also had no obedience training, so expecting her to perform her evacuations while on a leash was beyond her, and if she was off leash, she wouldn't respond to coming back to you, which is really, really scary given where i live, and the number of coyotes running round. her medical condition was still dicey as well, so she had to be settled in with someone able to take her back and forth to the vet on a daily basis to check her infection status. have no fear, she will be loved and looked after. right now she is happy being able to be 'part of the pack' with her current foster situation, which is what i really wanted for her. and it was good to have the confirmation that yes, i find cats, so much more relaxing, even if they do bicker with each other.

i guess by this Friday we will know one way or another how this IUI worked out. ::bites nails::

craving the forbidden

2010-05-08T20:56:00.004-04:00

oh, what i wouldn't give for a hot bath right now! but seeing as I had an IUI last night and today at noon, it is kind of verboten. still, i want to be surrounded by hot water right now! argh!

so yes, LH surge did show up the evening up CD10, nice and strong, which meant IUI yesterday evening on CD11, and one today at noon. everything went really well, and I clearly ovulated last night, so the IUIs fell nicely on each side of that. interesting note from Awesome Midwife -- today's noon IUI was the first time she had any kind of resistance with my cervix. with our one IUI per cycle timing previously, she only ever got to meet the "Hey sailor, new in town" hussy of a cervix that shows up during LH surge. after an ovulation, bam!, she closes down, telling any swimmers its too late.

well, too late if they are going to swim the whole length. when we cheat and put those guys right where they are supposed to be, seems like our timing might be even more spot on.

(and once again, her stories make her Awesome Midwife. an emergency breech VBAC delivery? she's a rockstar.)

on to crossed fingers and positive thoughts for the next couple of weeks...

oh, yeah, and tomorrow is my birthday. which is still not sinking into my head. is it because i have my fingers in my ears and am singing "LA LA LA LA LA" at the top of my lungs?

paging LH surge, paging LH!

2010-05-06T09:25:00.003-04:00

who needs a scan to check follicle size? i can tell you right now i have a nice big and juicy follie blowing up my left ovary. it's pressing nicely against my bowel as a constant reminder that Tank had better show up on time tomorrow morning.

not that LH has been around to make the follie go pop. but at this point, i'm nervous that my waistband of my jeans or running tonight could shake that thing loose...

time to start stalking my OPKs....

confessions

2010-05-03T17:08:00.002-04:00

i've finally admitted it to myself: mother's day falling on my birthday this year IS pissing me off. i didn't think i'd be still in the same place i was last year at this time. ::sigh:: chin up, deep breath, focus on the positive that is CD7 and the growth of a nice fat and healthy follie.

my acupuncturist said something odd to my last week as i was leaving treatment. "i'm really proud of you." i looked at her, confused and asked what she meant. "the whole way you are handling this negative."

i don't know if it is some much handling it as much as it is just being numb. i had that sense from the day after the IUI that things didn't happen. my hopes really didn't get high. as much as i tried to do positive visualization, i knew on some level it was pointless, it wasn't going to be this cycle as much as i wanted it. good news, things falling into place with work and career changes, a huge full double rainbow greeting me one evening during the 2ww... they weren't the signs a portents for this cycle.

yet still, i don't think it is something to be proud off. i feel like i cut myself off emotionally from this whole thing just because i knew i'd be facing a negative test. and somehow i don't think shutting everything down emotionally is necessarily a good thing.

~.~.~.~

but on to bigger and better cycles. Tank will be arriving this Friday for our hot date sometime this weekend. actually, we're going to go for two hot dates. Amazing Midwife thinks a double IUI this time just to counteract any potential bad timing sounds like a fair deal, and seeing as i've purchased those vials already, it's not hurting my wallet much more.

and goddess help me, but i'm about to be a dog owner. me, a confirmed crazy cat lady. my mom is the original Dr. Dolittle and has a foster toy poodle she's been nursing back into health. little white thing, who as it turns out, is one heck of a fire-cracker personality. but what has made me crazy over her is that she is very much a cat trapped in a dog's body. seriously. she's all about snuggling up with you, playing with cat-nip toys, and napping all day. being yippy and yapping at things? not her game. in fact she barely has a bark -- just this itty bitty squeak i've heard once. oh, and yes, she *loves* cats. fascinated with them. wants to give them kisses and curl up to sleep with them. clearly, this is not a canine.

so this little mini-diva is at the point of needing to be settled in somewhere, but mom has been worried about finding the right home for her and dropping hints my way the size of anvils. seeing as i feel much the same as she does (this is a very special dog who has been through a lot, and needs an awesome companion), i gave into the pressure. mom is thrilled and wants her to be settled in with me before Tank arrives since it is proven dogs do good things for your hormones. i chuckled at that one, not asking her for research. at this point, i'll go with every goofy suggestion.

there is no sign as sure as a ruined pair of knickers

2010-04-26T11:10:00.002-04:00

and they were snazzy new ones, too. but looks like even with the prometrium, my 27/28 day cycle is a sure thing. spotting for CD1 on the way.

the estrogen, it is strong with this one...

i finally ordered a pee cup

2010-04-25T22:12:00.002-04:00

the old mug that has been pressed into to pee-service for me has been dropped on the bathroom floor for the last time. there is only so much i can do with the Gorilla Glue these days. so i finally ordered this cute, specially designated pee cup as a treat for myself.

13dpo today and a BFN. i'll test again tomorrow and Tuesday morning just in case before i stop the prometirum. i remain strangely detached from it all. i think i'm trying very hard to protect myself. after seeing all kinds of signs and promise these past 2 weeks, i knew it was going to be hard.

my mom called this morning to tell me that the Today Show was running a piece on choice moms, and i put down my book and quickly tumbled out of bed to catch it. i thought it was a wonderfully positive piece (finally!). my mom commented tonight that my dad had watched it with interest, and though he always has been supportive of me, he now really "gets it" as to why i'm making this choice, and hat maybe i do know what i'm getting myself into.

oh crud

2010-04-21T21:35:00.005-04:00

i just realized i am going to have to POAS this time around. ::cries:: i did one HPT before and i hated that experience of that glaring white space. its not something i have wanted to repeat, so i don't. i wait for AF.

but hello, on progesterone this go around! no AF until i stop it. which mean 14dpo i'm going to have to break out one of the 6 gazillion tests i have (thanks for all the free ones, earlyhomepregnancytests.com and clearblue easy...).

just..., just think really good thoughts and envision two lines for me come Sunday morning, okay? because i may very well loose it.

the only other thing that may be of note is at massage tonight, my therapist T commented that i had a ton of heat going on in my lower back. it wasn't inflammation, and it wasn't coming from the sacrum, but rather deeper in, and on either side of the sacrum which mean ... uterus. T knows my cycles about as well as i do right now, and she said this was not something that normally happens for me post ovulation.

i'm hoping that and the know achy low back i have are more than just progesterone side-effects. who knows, listing "your massage therapist my find a lot of heat in your low back while taking" is not included with the drug warning.

and i think they need to change the innocuous sounding "bloating" to something more accurate such as "none of your bras will fit, your jeans won't button, and you'll find yourself staring at yourself in the mirror, completely mesmerized that you have would can actually be classified as 'knockers' going on."

{{oh, and btw, whoever check in frequently from Iceland, i'd love it if you dropped me a note, privately if you wish. Iceland is near the top of my list of places i want to visit, and given all the recent news lately, i'm having fun saying "Eyjafjallajökull" as much as i can....}}

8dpIUI

2010-04-19T10:57:00.000-04:00

holy crap, my boobs are huge right now. just in my way no matter what I'm doing.

of course I can't do any "sign spotting" this time round since I'm supplementing progesterone on this try, per the advice of my gyn & the midwife. i want to give any little bean as much of a chance at sticking as possible.

happily, much of the work stress is fading, so I was able to do lots of sleeping and coddling of myself this past weekend. felt absolutely delightful.

as to how I actually feel about this cycle, I'm pretty much in the area of numb. it's that spot you create where you dint want to get your hopes up because things nor working would be crushing, and trying to hope some little bit to keep your spirit open for what might be. so if anything, it's been easy to just not think about it during this 2ww.

of course, good wishes from others is always welcome. :)

and here we are again

2010-04-11T21:11:00.002-04:00

Tank managed to arrive yesterday a few mere hours before the OPK let me know i was surging. i sent a text off to the midwife to see if she would be able to do an IUI in the morning, and all was arranged.

i still am finding it highly amusing and tres cool to be texting my midwife for these things.

my sign and portent for this try is the date of my surge - April 10. it was my mom's original due date for me. of course i decided to hang around for another 4 1/2 weeks on her. i've never been a morning person or eager to get out of bed.

all went off this morning without a hitch. well, okay, once small unexpected hitch. the bank sent 2 vials instead of the single vial i requested. seeing as it was the second day of my surge, there was no reason to use the second one. but now i have to call in the morning and triple check the charge on the tank and see if i need to keep it around and get it refilled before sending it back, or is there enough that sending it back tomorrow will get it back still frozen.

so another 2ww. feels a little surreal, a little unreal at the moment. i think i'm going to wrap things up for the evening and listen to my meditation and wonder how to stay sane for the next couple of weeks.

CD11

2010-04-10T08:40:00.002-04:00

small milestone this morning. the fertility monitor actually gave me a "High" reading *before* giving me a "Peak" reading. yep, usually my E2 and LH are so out of sync i jump from Low to Peak, and then have a day of High. but not this cycle!

now, i just have to work on taxes, office work and ugh, some gardening while waiting for Tank to arrive today.

oh, and pee on OPK sticks a few more times to watch that LH!

and we're back.

2010-03-31T16:53:00.002-04:00

back to CD1, that is.

yep, blew a follicle early last cycle. way too early, which means, hello, estrogen dominance was rearing it's head the cycle previous and left me with a few extra friends in the ovary.

but despite the raging cramps at the moment, i'm feeling hopeful to staying in balance this cycle, and giving this another normally timed try.

as if anything in this whole process can be considered normal.

dear body:

2010-03-23T12:00:00.002-04:00

i'm not sure what you are up to this cycle, but color me very much not amused. we are on CD11 and i would like at least a hint that there is some LH running around my system. also, that temp spike above my coverline on CD10 is So Not Funny. especially given the complete lack of any sighting of LH since CD6, and that a certain frozen vial is winging its way here. bear in mind that Ms. Cervix is also reporting in remains low and firm, and El Libido can only just now be faintly heard humming a cha-cha.

i'm watching you. you better be getting it together, or just wildly excited of the fact that you are finally producing one hell of a primary follicle. i'll let you get away with goofing off with the BBT this one, but i expect everything else to be running as normal. or rather, better than normal.

now, kindly fall into line and return my temps to their normal pre-ovulatory range. extra stress is in no way necessary right now.

much love,
me.

2010-03-04T21:45:00.002-05:00

wow, look at that, a whole month and then some went missing up here. i've been a bit holed up in my head of late, struggling with finding time and energy to write. things have been both a whirlwind, and yet the same old boring things. work has mostly taken all my time, and i've been doing some soul-searching on that front and am contemplating a career change.

but that's not why you're breezing by to see if i'm still here.

let's see, long story wrap up from when we last left our intrepid heroine:

i checked in with my gyn to discuss if endo was hiding and if another surgery should be undertaken. his conclusion is that no, no signs on sonograms or symptoms, and that the risk of surgery for me outweighed any possible benefit.
i sent off saliva test for my full December cycle to get a full hormone analysis. came back with classic estrogen dominance, to the point that i should not be ovulating as regularly and nicely as i do. but it explains why i was not able to hold onto the egg that fertilized in December -- my progesterone levels are good, but the estrogen is still higher.
did testing for my adrenals which came back showing major burn-out. classic signs of long term high stress. shocking. absolutely shocking. < /sarcasm > am now on some herbs for adrenal support. my reaction (or rather, my lack there of) to high stress moments now is just amazing.
did a full herbal cleanse from Blessed Herbs. wow. that was amazing, and felt incredible. i feel like i've completely reset my body, and last month's BBT chart was one of the best i've had this past year.
was supposed to try another IUI this cycle, but the bank didn't have any IUI sampled ready until *this* month for both my #1 and #2 choices. argh!
not trying this month may have worked out for the best. at the very end of my cleanse and the start of this cycle, i got hit with a nasty cold. i'm still rather miffed by that -- i haven't had a cold in probably 15 years. i get the flu, i have allergies, but i simply don't get colds.
i broke down and bought the circle+bloom meditation series. this is another wow. absolutely love it. have never had such a powerful and effective guided meditation experience. the relaxation i'm able to achieve in my body is just amazing.
started this cycle trying an herbal protocol for the estrogen dominance. unfortunately, i don't think it agreed with my body. i got tossed into a chronic daily migraine cycle, anxiety, depression, mood swings, and just feeling sick and unhappy. i decided to listen to my gut this week and stopped it. 48 hours later, and i am beginning to feel like myself again.

so, that's about where we are. i went ahead and purchased 4 vials of #1 donor in IUI, so i won't get caught not being able to try again. CD20 right now, so should probably drop the midwives a note to let them know i'll be back in circulation next month.

now, to see if i can accomplish the new mission of keeping this spot actually updated in a timely manner...

still alive

2010-01-21T09:46:00.001-05:00

it really sucks when work keeps getting int he way of my internet life. i realize i am way long overdue with an update, and promise to try and find some time to update you all on where things are.

really.

i mean it.

no gift under my tree this year

2009-12-24T09:38:00.003-05:00

i'm still busy processing much of last week/this past weekend while quietly throwing a temper tantrum about the suckage that is my job.

my nice high temps plummeted last Friday. AF arrived earlier than I expected on Saturday. by Sunday I was bleeding more than I ever had, complete with clots. early miscarriage? yeah, all signs point to it.

i'm back to feeling like I'm stuck with a broken body. estrogen dominance is now wrecking havoc on my luteal phase and causing implantation issues. the huge fear of running out of time is looming over me.

and once again the acupuncturist brought up the "elephant in the room": another surgery for the endometriosis.

it's been 12 or 13 years since my last lap. i'm pretty much asymptomatic except for the fact i can feel every centimeter of my large bowel (painfully so) and my estrogen remains through the roof.

I'm benched for this cycle as we try and balance things out and await the complete hormone panel. and though i don't want more downtime, i know that my acupuncturist is right about the surgery. so much so, i'm going to call my gyn right now for an appointment to talk to him about it, and see if he would be willing to go in for a third time.

i had so wanted to be able to tell my parents they would be grandparents for a gift this holiday. sometimes i think wanting something so much just seems to make it impossible.

2ww

2009-12-13T12:32:00.003-05:00

honestly, this work thing has got to stop being so demanding of my time. don't they realize i have a life on-line that needs tending to?

this 2ww may very well be the one that does me in. i somehow managed to avoid the obsessive over analyzing of every twitch and nudge my body experienced on prior 2ww, but not this time around. oy! i'm driving myself batty. crampy and tugging 7 dpo? check. constant creamy cm? check. implantation temp dip 8dpo? check. nice temp spike 9dpo? check. someone stop me, please!

i think the reason for all this obsessing this time around is simply because things were lining up so perfectly with this last IUI. my LH surge will still strong in the morning when i called the midwife. i then called my mom and asked her if she wanted to be here for the IUI. and the upon meeting the midwife, i was just wow. one of those moments when you had a flash that this is someone who had mean a midwife for many lifetimes. there is just something about her style and personality that if it could be pictured or described, it would be in the dictionary next to "midwife". i was immediately at ease and comfortable. i also loved that she brought her pre-teen daughter as a helper.

the procedure itself was beyond easy and quick -- the easiest of all by far. she confirmed that my cervix and cm was just as i had reported. and that my os was very open. so open that she insisted i stay curled up on the bed for a while and nap lest the swim team loose their sense of direction and head the wrong way.

i had been thinking in the morning how timing wise, this was actually quite lovely. conception as we head into winter, and the darkness of the year, my favorite time. birth as fall, second favorite season is approaching. as i looked out on the steely gray skies, i said, "oh, if only it would snow, then i would know all was perfect." and it did smell like snow, but none of the forecasters were saying it would happen.

it was the cherry on the sundae that was missing for the day. until my mom called that evening and and told me to look out into the dark. snow! so not that i'm now putting too much weight and promise on the day, but seriously, whatever little spirit is out there waiting to nestle in and become my child has quite the temptation. their grandmother there for the IUI, my joy and bliss, and all the signs lined up.

so that is where we are right now. i was inexplicably exhausted yesterday, but honestly, this time of year with the hours at work, it really isn't that unusual. i'm excited to see my acupuncturist tomorrow as always to see what she might say about my chart and pulse.

and yet at the same time, i'm trying to remind myself that i could simply be lining myself up for a very big disappointment.

::deep breath::

things will happen as they must and in their time.

eep!

2009-12-05T08:45:00.004-05:00

how cool is this from the usual IF merry-go-round: just called the mid-wife, and she will come to my house this afternoon at 3 to do the IUI.

i get to sip tea, relax, decorate the house (okay, do some office work, too), have my music playing, maybe do some yoga and be happy in my own "nest" while reaching out to my child that is waiting.

as a single woman trying to conceive on her her own, this is the closest to "the traditional way" you're going to get.

missing in action

2009-12-04T10:37:00.004-05:00

sorry, folks, welcome to the crazy time of year. work life has shifted from the 60 hours a week schedule to 80 hours-eat your entire life schedule. i don't have time for much beyond work, commute, sleep, shower. lather, rinse, repeat.

that said, in the midst of this uber-high stress atmosphere, we are on CD11 and trying to do one really well timed IUI with the midwife this time around. that is, if my LH surge would behave and show up. my poor CBE fertility monitor has been completely bamboozled by the happy shift in my hormones (hello, estrogen!) brought on by the massive amounts of red clover infusions i've been consuming. the darned thing is just reading "high" fertility all the time. my 10 pm OPK tests have been annoyingly stark white, even with my 10 am OPKs starting to show a hint of a line.

add to that that my my temp jumped this morning, and i was convinced that i somehow missed ovulation. at which point i reminded myself that hello, my cervix was not high until today, and the EWCM is still scant. though, there *is* EWCM already -- even when my cervix was low and firm. lovely stuff. this i completely credit the massive amounts of oat top infusions and FertileCM i've been ingesting. :)

today's 10am OPK is darker than yesterday's, and yesterday's was darker than Wednesdays, and Tuesday's was stark white. i think it is coming, just slowly. and maybe i'm drinking too much water between my 6 pm pee and 10 pm test. but darn, i'm thirsty! and there are herb infusions to consume!

keep your fingers crossed that tomorrow or Sunday's mid-day OPK is a super strong positive i've come to expect.

in the meantime, i've got to do some yoga tonight to calm myself down.

and stop checking my top desk-drawer where my 10am test is stashed to see if it is suddenly darkening to a strong surge

things that make you go hmmm....

2009-11-09T09:54:00.004-05:00

great, just gave myself an earworm for the rest of the day with that post title.

this cycle seems to be off to a good start, except for a few hiccups at the moment. most interesting was that my fertility monitor started the month (CD7) with giving me a "high" fertility reading. wow, have never gotten that prior to ovulation before! looking at the test strips (event though they say not to) it was clear it was because my estrogen was high.

of course the monitor did completely miss my LH surge yesterday. this is why i double test with OPKs, folks. had a nice strong surge yesterday at noon that held steady until 10 pm. by this morning it passed, so the clueless fertility monitor just kept reading high, even though estrogen was starting to lighten up.

the only question i have right now is whether i actually ovulated last night. temp jumped from 97.3. to 97.7 this morning, which is below my "usual" coverline, but last month, i wondered if my coverline hadn't dropped a couple points thanks to the winter temps. also, a pretty pathetic ovulation jump for me, and given the last couple cycles as far as LH surge and timing to O, it was a wee bit quick. way to make me worry madly about timing the IUI next month, silly body.

cervix is still high and soft this morning, with lovely EWCM. day three of amazing EWCM. i'm so proud of my old cervix finally getting into the grove of things here.

i suppose tomorrow will tell me what happened, and i'll just have to figure out things from there for next month. just makes me crazy nuts if i'm switching to a single IUI for the cycle. though trust me, my checkbook loves the idea.

and we have a winner!

2009-11-01T17:04:00.007-05:00

oh, i can't wait to type that subject line after a 2ww.... but for now, it will have to be the winner of the FertleCM from Fairhaven Health. 9 comments on the entry, and after entering them into the randomizer. . .

#6 comment is from ttc4toolong! congrats! drop me an email with your name and mailing address, and i will get this in the mail to you.

in the meantime, another giveaway. this is another favorite of mine, the FeriliTea. you all know how much i love my tea and trying to find a few minutes to relax. this is a great herbal blend that is soothing and minty, and yet, full of all those fertility herbs we hear so much about. this is my staple upon walking in the door from work.

just leave a comment here in this entry, by next ~~Sunday, November 8~~ Monday, November 16, answering the question "what is your favorite thing to do to relax?" i will again pick a winner from all the comments -- and maybe try an incorporate some relaxation ideas into my life!

don't forget about the discount Fairhaven Health is offering everyone of 10% off your entire order by December 31, 2009. just enter "GREATDEAL" as the discount code. it's not just fertility and conception aids, but also pregnancy and nursing supplies on their site. i used the code to order a beautiful fertility bracelet for myself, as a reminder and calming touchstone. (it's a bit too large for my wrist, but makes a great anklet until i can get a jewelry savvy friend to take it down to my size!)

[as full disclosure, i'm not associated with Fairhaven Health, nor am i being paid for these reviews or giveaways. i had actually been using their products before they approached me and asked if i was interested in offering giveaways on this blog. knowing how expensive this journey is for many of us, i jumped at the chance to share some goodies with fellow tryers.]

road signs?

2009-10-28T21:29:00.003-04:00

part of my pushing for natural cycles right now has been my treatment at the RE clinic, and feeling like nothing but a cog in their wheel. my infertility should be simply situational, but they see things in numbers, so that "40" stamped across my forehead means i'm in the hopeless range.

of course i'd searched for other fertility clinics, but being a smaller state, nothing came up but the one clinic i was going to, linked to notorious hospital, part of huge massive soul-eating medical group. there wouldn't be other options, unless i opted to travel out of state, which i was kind of toying with. i know the RE i've seen is excellent, and very much a realist, but she feels very much to be lacking a soul. the whole place does. this is a painful and frustrating journey -- you'd expect those in it day to day to have compassion and humanity. it must just get dragged out of them with all they see...

giving my musings this week about how i want a road sign telling me which way to go, tonight's experience has me going hmmm.... there was a huge new billboard up on the highway, saying something along the lines of "need help having a baby? bear left" with a big arrow. it was pointing towards huge massive soul-eating medical groups shiny hospitals and my clinic, so i figured it was their ad. but it wasn't their signature colors, so i searched for a name.

oh, hello huge fertility specialist from neighboring state. i had no idea you now had a office around the corner from my REs group. i'm up on their website now and fining it a wealth of information, unlike my clinic which is simply, read our name! we are linked with hospital! this is all you need to know!

looking for some metaphorical road sign and i find a literal one. i may have a back-up plan for my back-up plan.

planning, planning, planning

2009-10-25T10:47:00.003-04:00

well, this cycle off is beginning to draw to a close, and i'm trying to decide if i'm taking next cycle off as well, or if i'm ready to jump back on the wagon.

emotionally, i am more than anxious to be back in the game. dreams, thoughts and desires for this to finally work are haunting me. i'm selfishly cranky and annoyed when i hear of someone else's good fortune of a BFP (most especially when when i feel that individual is clueless and a walking train-wreck and gets a BFP on the first try -- wtf?). basically i'm exhibiting all the healthy signs of a tryer.

physically, this cycle was not as picture perfect on paper as i wanted. despite having a nice long follicular phase, another long and strong LH surge, and feeling a lot of activity on my ovary, that magnificent temp spike i usually get was missing. a spike of any sort was missing. the only thing i can speculate about is that my bum right ovary somehow interfered with the development of a nice corpus lutem (endo scar tissue interference?). that is, if i was even able to ovulate on that side, and the follicle wasn't trapped under the endo scared portion of the ovary. i know i develop follicles on that side, despite the fact the ovary is only half the size of the left. but the scaring is a huge issue.

so part of me is thinking maybe i should take off another month and see what another "natural" cycle looks like. my bank account wouldn't mind a break either to recover and save up for more frozen pop. but, i did hear back from a midwife who very much wants to work with me, so that too makes me all the more anxious to jump back into the game.

of course i'm also trying to figure out the long-term game plan at the same time. how many more natural IUIs with the midwife do i give myself? two? three? at what point would it be wise to just suck it up and head back to the RE factory and dive into debt with meds, scans and push my body to the limit? it's tough because i've followed a lot of journeys these past few months of medicated cycles that have resulted in BFPs. i wish there was some way to know what was the right way for my body. some kind of road sign in flashing neon that says "success this way."

life is never that easy.

this is also the first day in over a week that's i've actually felt human. i've been down with the flu this last week (another reason to stay on the bench next cycle?). rather humiliating given all my healthy living, eating and supplements, but i suppose sometimes there is no escaping a determined virus.

i suppose i'll suss it all out this week as i talk to the acupuncturist, and finally call the midwife back -- now that my voice has returned.

IT'S GIVE-AWAY TIME!

2009-10-23T16:58:00.004-04:00

okay, okay, i'm out of the habit of blogging when work goes cuckoo on me and i decide to take a cycle or two off of trying. but, even though i'm benched for the next few week, it does not mean i'm pouring back the vino and ignoring my old body.

nope, still doing my supplements, and today, i'm going to share with you one of my favorites i've found along this wacky journey: FertileCM.

yup, i'd seen all the stuff all over the blogosphere on FertilAid and FertileCM, but didn't pay too much attention because i figured, oh, i'm doing fine with my supplements. as i head into clomid cycles. with a 40 year old body.

and i wondered why i was having problems charting my CM as directed. i mean, where was this elusive stuff? i knew clomid was drying and all, but really?

then on my third round of clomid, i gave in and ordered some FerileCM, since the old "drink lots of pineapple juice and take evening primrose oil" had done nothing for me. it arrived on CD6, i started taking it, and in less than a week -- while taking clomid -- i had a light bulb moment. THAT was CM! and pretty soon it became omg, EWCM!

love this stuff -- it can wake up even a 40 year cervix and teach it how to do its job.

so, if you would like to try some, just leave comment to this post by October 30. i'll be doing a random drawing from all comments on Saturday, October 31st - how's that for a trick or treat? trust me, it's a treat. ;)

in the meantime, if you want to check out Fairhaven Health and their other products (i'll be posting reviews and giveaways on them in the next couple of weeks), i have a special coupon code for you. just enter "GREATDEAL" at checkout and get 10% off your entire order before December 31.

getting back in the swing of things

2009-10-16T21:07:00.004-04:00

whew! didn't mean to vanish like that, but once it was clear i was going to have to take this cycle as a break, i really seemed to have taken a break! of course coming back to news of so many many pregnancies in these parts is amazing! i'm doing the climbing beta dance for you all!

and yes, a break. that CD1 showed up a bit sooner than i expected last go around. what happened to my long luteal phase? but as i looked at the calendar and counted out when my surge would be falling, it was going to be smack in the middle of me being out of town. the acupuncturist of course loved this news. "you're body is awfully smart -- it needs to take a break." so break it is as we shuffle up my natural protocol here.

dropped - the soy isoflavones

added - red clover infusion daily, milky oats and nettle infusion daily, Shatavari daily, Ashwagandha daily, kefir daily

holding the course - TCM herbs for all four phases, FertilAid, FertileCM, evening primrose oil, omega 3-6-9, baby aspirin, maca root, vitamin D, iron, B supplement, CoQ10, wheat grass.

i have to say, i've felt the difference. my uterine and ovarian area has felt much more active, and i had an amazingly long follicular phase for me -- ovulated on CD15! normally i'm CD11 or 12. and yes, this later ovulation date means that i was back home for it, but hey, a break is a break. i mean i even drank wine while out of town, got crummy sleep, didn't check my cervix or CM religiously. (and yet when checking my CP, at CD10, it was higher than ever before - the os completely out of reach, and the little bit i could reach was super soft. i think changes are definitely afoot!)

so that's the state of things on the TTC front.

~.~.~.~

now, for a story, and please, don't let me be *that* pregnant woman.

at the market tonight, i was in my parked car, finishing up a phone call when the person in the car beside me returned with her cart, and pushed it right next to my door to load her groceries, blocking me from getting out. no problem, i was still on the phone and in no hurry. but then i notice she pulls the cart away and very deliberately parks it right behind my car so it is touching my trunk (i'd pulled nose first into the space, so this was in the traffic area), and out of sight in my rear view mirror.

surprised, i got out of my car and looked at here. "oh, were you leaving?" she asked, clearly surprised she got caught.

"no. but why would you put the cart there, when the cart return is two steps away?" okay,maybe four steps away -- it was may car, her car, 1 other car and then cart return. hellllooooo!

she gives me this look like i'm obviously from another universe. "because i'm pregnant and leaving." hey, i don't judge bump sizes, but hers was small, and i'm thinking if this chick needs to be on bed rest and avoid walking, what in he heck is she doing out at the market to begin with.

i blink and look at her. in the time it took for her to carefully arrange the cart behind my car, she could have pushed it into the return. i'm not impressed. "congratulations. the cart return is still right there."

now she gets upset. "i don't need attitude."

"i noticed. the one you have is rather appalling." (yeah, i'm that snarky bitch who always has a good comeback.)

so yes, i was bitchy to a pregnant woman. but oh my god, if i ever try to pull that sh*t when pregnant, someone please come smack me! seriously, 1 car away. 1 car!

~.~.~.~

and yes, i have giveaways to do! i hope in the scramble of catching up at work to get one posted. keep your eyes out!

there is a BFN lurking at the end of this week

2009-09-29T14:11:00.005-04:00

insanely busy with work. just wanted to sneak by a say sorry, no temp spike indicating that anything caught this time around. bugger, i really wanted this one to be the one.

so after a near-crying session with the acupuncturist last night, she talked me away from the edge of my looming depression and we formulated a "Plan B" for next cycle. i want to try an IUI again. The trick is finding someone around here who will do it unmedicated.

i called one midwife's office this morning, was treated rudely and told, "a nurse might call you back". 6 hours later, no call back. gah. make appointment just to go in and talk? have no clue.

found an email address for the second name acupuncturist gave me and just sent a note off to her explaining my situation and what i'm looking for. if we could please have a collective group of crossed fingers out there, i'd appreciate it.

Single Hussy needs to get back to being Single Career Gal

1 week down, 1 to go

2009-09-24T14:05:00.002-04:00

just sneaking in a quick update to let you all know to be on the lookout for a giveaway and product review for some Fairhaven Health goodies.

and was reminded i should really post an update by the sudden wave of exhaustion which just hit me like a ton of bricks. first day of this, so let's keep fingers crossed it means what it did last time.

as for "other signs" (for those who like to play that obsessive game), nothing but my normal luteal phase signs. i ovulate and and bam! i need sugar and carbs, STAT! as in, i will puke if i don't get vast amounts of carbs in my diet. in fact, i'm kind of hoping that the exhaustion isn't simply the result of me nibbling from junior mints this afternoon. don't tell my acupuncturist, 'kay? i figure if the body is screaming for a mainline drip of sugar, i need to placate it a little bit.

only thing else i've noticed this time around is the quantity of food i'm eating. holy, maloly, i don't eat this much. and definitely shouldn't. but somehow right now, a giant green smoothie, an egg, and a bowl of oatmeal is the perfect breakfast, and will hold me over for approximately one hour and forty-five minutes before we need to start thinking of second breakfast.

if my feet start growing larger and sprout hair, we'll now it's just the inner hobbit i never knew i had taking over.

geek joy!

2009-09-17T14:44:00.001-04:00

finally searched for excel templates for BBT. duh! omg, i'm in love!

i now must be stopped and need to get back to doing my actual job right now.

only this audience can appreciate this kind of geekery.

finger crossed very tight.

2009-09-17T10:09:00.002-04:00

wow. incredible temp dip this morning. not sure what my CM was up to last night, but 3 of the 4 signs (OPK, cervix, BBT) are saying the timing of this is spot on.

so massage last night, then home to insem. tonight will be acupuncture, then home to insem.

i cannot tell you how much i really want this one to take and be the one....

ack!

2009-09-16T11:44:00.003-04:00

gotta love it when the test line on your OPK turns a deep blue in mere seconds, before the "haze" creeps ups to the control line.

on the bright side, i'm still surging at 11.45 am. i also had a positive surge at 6.30 am when i got up and my CBE fertility monitor went from nothing to oh hey, ovulation! in mere seconds a well. first time it has done that, which is reassuring, though i would have liked it if it gave me a day of oooh, you're getting close in there.

i'm hoping my temps are merely mimicking last months wackiness. had a nice strong spike to just below my cover line this morning. ideally, they will dip tomorrow, and then give me a nice spike over cover line the next morning, so ovulation will be sometime tomorrow. i'm a wreck it's going to be today since i am surging so strongly. but who knows, maybe this is all the healing of the old body and getting hormone levels back in balance. 40 year olds aren't supposed to have strong LH surges (or at least should time insemination with the first weak positive), but wow, wish you could see these! oops, wait, you can:

sorry for the blur. wanted to get close so you could appreciate that twice as dark test line. fingers crossed that timing of insem late tonight after massage and tomorrow night is on the ball. and these new swimmers are up for the challenge that my eggs present.

now if the acupuncturist would just call back so we can juggle when they want tomorrow nights appointment since this is all happening a couple days sooner than expected.

dear LH surge,

2009-09-15T11:20:00.008-04:00

you know, i realize we have a contentious relationship, which leads to a conversation every month. either you are MIA, or blowing into town too early, or just feeling too fickle to show up on a pee stick.

something you may not realize is that i don't exactly have access to hot and cold running sperm around here. i can have access to frozen sperm, but that's all based on a shipping date. oddly enough, that shipping date is usually based on when you are supposed to be around as well.

if you are going to go with the whole when i damn well feel like it option, we've got a problem. a problem that keeps costing me an extra $40 a month as i panic and call the purveyor of said frozen sperm to over-nite us the goods. yes, i realize they are nice, and very used to me right now, but really, you are trying my patience.

let's try and get our act together, okay?
me

~.~.~.~

in news other than my mid-morning pee stick showing a darkening surge line, i did find another donor, and am rather psyched about this one now. good to know my commitment skills are still as skittish as ever. I decided to re-search the whole catalog for my criteria of ethnic/height/eye color preferences instead of first looking at the back-up team i had previously put on the bench. oddly enough, only one of the previous back up players even caught my eye this time, and former #2 was now a distant #5. i instead had two brand new (really, new donors made available) possibilities vying for that top slot. i went to bed that night, wondering how i was going to choose, and figuring i would have to ask for a count comparison from the bank the next day.

except for when i sat down the next day to reread both profiles and knew without a doubt which one it was going to be. interesting choice, and i'd love to talk about some of the features, but then i feel that's kind of just ... weird? crossing a line? ... in a blog where other SMCs making choices are surfing. i'll just throw it out there that i'm open to sharing notes and specifics, but will probably keep that to a private email.

so the new "donor-in-law" (as Tank has now been dubbed by my mom) will be arriving tomorrow. a dark blue line had best not be arriving before then.

oh, but yes, the CM is clearly in the way of shaping up into EWCM loveliness. wow. two months in a row of multi-CM days. which helps me segue into my next little announcement. Fairhaven Health has approached me and invited me to do some product reviews and give-aways of their products here. since i have actually been quite impressed with the results from the FertileCM supplement (seriously, fertile quality CM on a clomid cycle? this goes way beyond evening primrose oil alone!), i have agreed. besides, i think it would be a blast to pass on some goodies to other readers, and get the word out in the SMC community. we seem to be facing so many hurdles as is, i'm all for sharing the stuff that makes it easier on this path.

so that's the state of the Hussy for the moment. looking toward a couple hot -- or is that frozen? -- dates with some new vials before this week's end. every month, the stress about this seems to get less and less. or maybe i'm more used to it. whatever the case, bring on the calm!

i saw this one coming last cycle

2009-09-09T19:26:00.003-04:00

i called the cryo bank on friday to let them know CD1 was looming for some point during the holiday weekend, and i'd need to make date reservations for some nice vials. i was supposed to call back yesterday with my expected shipping time, but i was so busy looking at my calendar and dithering about it, i figured tonight when i got home and had a clear hear.

but i had a message on my phone this afternoon: my donor is sold out. yep, i knew when i got the "two for" specials last month (2 vials to bring the total motility count past their guarantee) that we were down to the end of the line. so no big shocker, though i am a little sad if only because i fell in love with that donor's handwriting. yes, i am that weird.

so i'm looking again at my backup team, and running through the catalog again, but not passing over those that are CMV+ since, hello, will not be donating with an active infection; risk of my becoming infected during insemination is impossible. my awesome bank has no problem shipping a CMV+ donor to CMV- me. (i also don't think my RE lab would have had a problem if i chose a CMV+ donor, but i'd just be given the big blahblahblah speech and asked to sign another 50 agreements stating i know the risks. yup, whatever...)

off to find Mr. Tall, Dark and Genetically Appealing.

at least i have some luck!

2009-09-03T20:40:00.002-04:00

after a week of being tired and cranky because my boobs hurt so frickin' much (not to mention the whole lets gain a cup size so no bra fits! shenanigans), things are starting to ease down, sadly. yet not the boob size. yes, you can take these puppies away now, thanks progesterone. message about being at a healthy level received loud and clear.

temps are simply above coverline with no secondary spike. ::sigh::

but on the bright side, i just found out that i won a Bend Breathe and Conceive DVD from The Mind Reels! wow! i will confess that i've been on a whole Fairhaven Health kick this past cycle. FertilAid, Fertile CM (okay, yes, that stuff definitely works), and FertiliTea. every little bit helps, right? and we all know my love of yoga. now, hopefully this DVD will kick my fanny back into actually practicing instead of coming home and saying my boobs hurt too much and crawling into bed instead.

1 week down, 1 to go

2009-08-28T09:18:00.004-04:00

can't believe i'm actually in a 2ww! have to remind myself to get back into my meditations for this time, but in a way, i like not thinking about the wait. still, my dreams this past week have been full of portents and signs, or perhaps just incredible wishes.

no huge rise in my temps. just a steady above coverline, with maybe a slow climb. my uterus feel "full" and twitchy the past couple of days, and i have my usual luteal phase bloat going on. the salt and vinegar crisps are probably not helping with that, either. boobs may be getting sore, or i just poked them too hard this morning, always difficult to tell. tired, which seems to be par for the course, and focused and stressed at work right now so my neck and shoulders are overly tight and sore. to the point that i had to go in for an emergency massage last night. i may be going back to weekly massages for a while just to help with all the stress that seems to be floating about, and i am trying desperately to ignore.

i did have an amazing acupuncture session on monday with a different doctor covering for my usual doctor. the two partners had met over the weekend with my chart, so she was all up to speed on everything i had been doing, and had lots of questions to clarify things. she was completely amazed that after 21 years on BCP my period came back at all, never mind right into a regular cycle (my first 3 cycles after stopping were 33 days, 29 days, 28 days). she looked me in the eye and said, i believe you are super fertile.

this is why i'm listening more to alternative treatments rather than REs. not because it is hope that may be false, but rather that it is about belief, and balance, and listening to each individual body. the only reason i ended up with an RE is because i was single. but i was treated from the first second like i was "broken". and if i couldn't get pregnant in three tries with all their drugs, then i was very broken and all hope was gone. especially given i had a number attached to me: 40.

i refuse to believe i'm broken. for the first time ever in my life, i feel healthy and alive and full of potential. the only thing we got standing in my way is access to fresh sperm. i'm beginning to think that that alone should not be an RE issue.

i cannot make this sh*t up

2009-08-21T19:53:00.004-04:00

clearly, the road of TTC on your own is just not the same without the moments of complete and utter insanity. this is why the universe continues to pull these practical jokes on me.

no OPK this morning. OPK from 15 minutes ago:

gee, i'm not sure about that test line on the left. is it really darker than the control line on the right?

look, this one is saying "HA, HA!! faked you out!"

i am just ... i don't know. we go from stark white test lines to a screaming positive like i've never had before and this *after* a temp spike.

whatever. the remaining swim team members will just have to stay chilly overnight (fingers crossed). i'm going to yoga and moxa it tonight, and then have another morning romance with the vials tomorrow.

oh, and i give up understanding my body.

oh you have GOT to be kidding me

2009-08-21T09:26:00.003-04:00

waking up to a brilliant temp spike is NOT what i wanted. WTF?? why do OPKs hate me this month, barely showing even a hint of line? folks, i'm doing the fertility monitor POAS first thing in the morning, an OPK smuggled into the work bathroom between 10 am and noon, and another test at around 10 pm at night. i'm making myself wait at least 4 hours before any POAS. i'm limiting my fluid intake (when hello, i need to also be increasing it for CM) during those 4 hours. and nothing!

::headdesk::

considering how wonderful things looked last night, and not even being able to reach my cervix this morning, i decided forget getting the tank refilled. i was just going to have to be a bit late to work this morning because i had some important baby-making to do.

up in the air on whether to do round tonight or tomorrow morning. probably tonight. that better be a damn lively egg that got shoved out! hear me, egg? i want you alive beyond the usual time frame and waiting for the boys to get up there.

i swear, if i have to do this again next cycle, i'm just listening to my cervix and CM and those OPKs can get lost.

in the meantime, CAN WE PLEASE ALL CROSS FINGERS FOR ME?

(this freak-out has been brought to you by the letter O and the numbers 97.2 and 97.9)

closer and closer...

2009-08-20T21:09:00.005-04:00

when you are used to getting a +OPK on day 10 or 11, hitting day 12 without even a faint test line gets mighty nerve wracking. so do a string of pre-ovulation worthy low temps. when your cervix and CM start getting in on the dance, the panic of omg, i'm going to miss my window! is bouncing around non-stop.

then i take a deep breath and remind myself that all this is good. longer follicular phase means strong, healthy eggs (and the ovaries are still doing a major dance). its also more "normal" and a sign of a healthy cycle. low temps mean lots of yin energy going on -- again, good for the eggies. and just because your creaky old body is suddenly producing lovely CM (not yet egg-white, but omg, we are so frickin close) is something to celebrate. things are looking up.

just stop panicking on the OPKs.

oh, and has anyone ever been able to use one of the view-thingies for checking your saliva for ferning? i swear, the light behind the lens blinds me and i can't see a bleeding thing.

of course, i now have to take the swim team down for another refill tomorrow. which means they are coming in to work with me. am so grateful for plain brown packaging... yes, there is a shot of their refill on monday at the welding supply place. me, and four male employees. when the tank came back from being refilled and all the men behind the counter were discussing was it a 5L or 7L refill, and it went snug back in its box, one of the gentlemen piped up and said, "i remember making a carrying box for Dr. So-And-So. What doctors office do you work for?"

never occurred to me they would think i was doing this for a doctors office, so of course nothing came to mind. i instead smiled and said, "oh no, this is for me personally."

"Oh, horses?"

(having grown up on a horse farm, i have no clue why i didn't just say yes. oh, no wait, i do -- it's a bit late in the season for breeding horses!) "Uh, no. Dogs."

yes, i totally wimped out on my chance to be all confident woman gets pregnant on her own. but seeing as i figured i might be back for a refill, it just was so much easier.

but i'm still hoping is the last refill. a weekend LH surge would be perfect. i have an acupuncture appointment on monday, and my doctor gave me some moxa to use after insemination. it would also be more relaxing, because even though my work load is pushing me to being in the office this weekend, i don't necessarily have to be. or at least not for the usual hours.

so again, still sitting here with fingers crossed, ovaries aching, and hoping for a clear LH surge that lasts longer than 3 hours so i can actually catch it!

i thought you said he was 6'2"!

2009-08-16T21:49:00.005-04:00

well, this month's swim team has arrived safe and sound. i have to say, i'm not sure i could do this without the support and encouragement of my parents, who luckily have as warped a sense of humor as i do about the whole thing. "i though you said he was 6'2"!" was what my mom greeted me with when calling me on Friday morning to let me know that there was a frosty gathering of the swim team that arrived on her doorstep.

when i stopped by that night to pick up the swim team, dad carried out the box, and then bent down, pretending to shake a hand and say, "so you're going to knock up my daughter. so nice to meet you." wish i had gotten a picture of that!

in the meantime, the swim team is parked in my bedroom (not only did i think it appropriate, but it is also out of the reach of the cats, and the coolest spot in the house!) waiting for the OPK to do it's thing. i shipped way early from the looks of this cycle so far, but like i said, better safe than sorry, and i'd rather pay some rental fees for the tank than miss my chance.

tomorrow the swim team will get to take a drive with me to the welding supply and get a fresh dose of the frosties. mmmm, a frosty from Wendy's.... okay, i'm not dealing with the deprivation of cold food in the summertime that well, as you can see.

i have been woefully behind in my blog reading of late, and i'm not the best commenter, so mea culpa. in fact, i just noticed i got tagged on a couple of awards, so i promise to get to those this week! hope i can find enough folks who haven't been tagged yet to keep the ball -- or blog -- rolling.

so far so good, so far so good

2009-08-13T14:52:00.004-04:00

i know, it's little early for a verdict on things this cycle, but i have to mention to someone that i think the soy isoflavones may be all they are cracked up to be: i take them, and within an hour, my ovaries are doing the mambo. even decrepit little righty is dancing up a storm right now. go, blood flow, go!

temps are staying low which is a big improvement over CD5 last cycle. starting tomorrow, i can start being afraid of tank wrangling.

how this jounrey changes you

2009-08-12T11:10:00.003-04:00

i swear, i've never been an indecisive person. when faced with a choice, i knew what i wanted/needed/must be done, made the decision and moved merrily along, never second-guessing, or dithering over which way to go.

these days, i've turned into a dithering idiot. last cycle: call back, schedule shipment. call bank again, reschedule shipment for earlier. call bank day of shipment and cancel.

this cycle: call bank, schedule shipment. call bank day of shipment and reschedule to ship one day later but with overnight shipping for better charge life.

i swear, i am ready to strangle myself and my inability to make a proper, thought out decision and stick with it. never mind the fact i'm not concentrating or focusing at work and am always popping on to google to check out one more article on IF, and research another possible supplement. goddess help me when i get pregnant and baby-brain sets in. the TTC-brain is driving me up the wall already.

ack!

welcome to CD4. please keep your fingers crossed for an ovulatory cycle that has a follicular phase that lasts more than 6 days this time. and BTW, have switched off the DHEA (back acne is driving me bonkers, as is the increased hair shedding) and am trying the soy isoflavones (120 mg) for CD3-CD9. let's see if it is the pseudo clomid...

downtime and looking for local SMCs

2009-08-04T19:40:00.002-04:00

nope, this cycle i really clearly ovulated on CD5. completely bizarre, and i keep panicking it is a sign of perimenopause, but then have to remind myself, no, there was ovulation, this is good. body is clearly producing much estrogen, this is good. i think it's a case of just letting things find their rhythm without the drugs in there.

i've been down for the count the past few days with some kind of stomach bug. on sunday as i lounged about, not wanting to move and poke the nausea, i did a lot of thinking about i could be looking at 3 months of this in the future. know how much fun nausea is without the aid of saltines? (thank you, gluten intolerance)

yesterday afternoon as i struggled to make it home from work and remain upright i contemplated the future fun in store for dealing with sick me and baby/sick-baby. yep, motivation to remain a cheerful and pleasant person and continue to make more friends so i can have someone to call on in those moments for a popsicle run...

~.~.~.~

we are trying to put together a local SMC group, especially for those trying to conceive. if you or anyone you know is in the southeastern New England area, please drop me a comment and we can email more about details and location. i've already met another *fabulous* local SMC tryer, and with the counselor, we really had the best time being able to speak with someone else who "gets it" and can understand the lingo and the obsession over fertility charts. i'd love to have some more ladies join us for some real time interaction, stress relief and encouragement.

Houston, we have a problem

2009-07-31T08:51:00.004-04:00

my head is sore from banging it on my desk.

yesterday morning, i had a mild heart attack as my BBT jumped from a 97.6 to 98.2 -- nicely over my coverline. except that we were on CD6. i nervously figured maybe my allergies were bothering me, or i was sick. still, in talking to the bank yesterday with the when to ship question, i asked the all important, what happens if i have an anovulatory cycle? they said shipping back was not problem, so i felt better.

until this morning when my BBT registered at 98.4.

for those who like to play along at home, let's look at this cycles temps so far:

97.7 / 97.8 / 97.3 (nice, looking good here) / 97.3 / 97.6 / 98.2 / 98.4

it doesn't look like an anovulatory cycle with the ping-pong ball bouncing all the hell over the place. instead it looks like a nice strong ovulation. a week early.

WTF?

i should probably add to the discussion that this past menstruation was the most pathetic excuse for a period ever. TMI warning: 2 days light brown spotting. again with the WTF. i had a chemical pregnancy. shouldn't i at least get a decent flow? never mind the fact i haven't had a red, strong period since beginning this craziness back in March.

(and yes, before you ask, i did another HPT this morning just in case and because i'm on all these not-while-preggers supplements. BFN, so it's not that.)

i'm blaming clomid. it's the only thing i can figure out. i went from lovely normal, regular cycles to pathetic, limp ones. i know it can completely dry you out and thin the uterine lining, so that has to be what happened. my previous "break" month back in May was a bit scattered and not that great. besides, i get to blame the clomid for the raging back acne which is only now finally starting to subside.

which means, i think i'm calling the bank again in a couple hours and telling them that we are having to scrub this month. i had been thinking i should give my body a month break after the clomid to get a "normal" cycle back under its feet. i think my temps are just confirming what was in the back of my head, and i need to slow down with the omg it's now or never! i must get pregnant! rush.

but if anyone has some insight or theories or can reassure me things can get back to normal and that the 4 cycles of clomid didn't blow out the last remaining eggs i had, i would really love some feedback.

i keep grasping at the small positives: my skin is amazing right now (hasn't been like this since i was a teen -- yeah i had gorgeous skin as a teenager), my hair and nails are growing like weeds, my body feel wonderful, and my boobs are up another cup size. i'm not sure if the last one is a positive or not, since i'm kind of at a loss with what to do with them, but i figure its a sign that somewhere, some hormone is happy and making my body at least look all fertile.

in the meantime, focusing on my yoga breathing and doing a heck of a lot of forward bends today to combat the stress of this all.

dear body,

2009-07-30T15:14:00.003-04:00

please don't surge before next wednesday, m'kay? this could all turn into a small disaster if you do.

ETA: ah, never mind. just called the bank again (who, me, paranoid?) and changed the shipping. body, do whatever the heack you want, when you want. the swim team will be here on saturday.

~~~~

by the by, it's just now sinking into my head that i was pregnant last month. or sorta pregnant. just for a whisper and a second. but i was.

wow.

BFN

2009-07-23T21:06:00.004-04:00

went ahead and tested this morning since my boobs are driving my insane. negative.

and yet:
boobs still crazy kill-me-now sore.
still insanely tired.
period is missing - this is luteal day 18. (CD30)
no sense that AF is is approaching. nothing. nada. not a cramp or twinge in the tummy when i eat.
my house smells like i have been cooking rice (i haven't), so phantom smells are p and running.
C-R-A-Z-Y dreams last night, but then, when do i not have crazy dreams. still, can remember tons of details on these.
i still feel like i need to eat a giant bag of salt & vinegar crisps a day.
temp this morning was 98.2 again.
massage therapist tonight commented by hips were really warm, which is different for me.

i'm chalking this up to being pregnant for a nanosecond, and that sometime tomorrow, AF will arrive. of course, i said that to myself last night, but whatever. i finally obtained my copy of The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth (hey, it's a straight girl doin' it on her own best guide, too!). also think i located a tank refill location. geared up and ready for a do it yourself special next cycle.

of course when that will be, who the heck knows!

waiting for Aunt Flow...

2009-07-22T11:04:00.004-04:00

welcome to CD29, luteal phase day 17. no headache. no cramps. but, no appetite since yesterday afternoon, so something is looming. and has an hour to get here before pushing into luteal phase day 18 area.

i don't want to test because i know i'm not. besides, i did test last Thursday (11dpo -- yes, it was a sensitive test) and nada. i started back on all my "not while pregnant" supplements. i did skip them today figuring that would help AF show up.

i'm dead exhausted these day. i can be awake for about 4 hours and then require a nap that turns into 2 hours of hard sleep. my entire weekend was spent in that 4 hour/2 hour cycle. but this is a sign of nothing other than a) it's summer (my body hates summer and tries to hibernate), and b) my allergies (hello uber-wet weather!) are trying to kill me.

my nipples are sore. i've never had sore nipples. i've had sore boobs (they're kinda tender now), but nipples have never been raging angry omg-you-touched-me-i-give-you-pain-back! sore. i must have a good progesterone level this month. it. is. not. a. sign.

it does not matter i spent money on another month of supplements, and supplies for at home insemination. or called and compared numbers with the bank. or scheduled LASIK surgery for next month which can not be done if pregnant. i can wave all the red flags i want at fate, but i have to keep my feet on the ground and remind myself it did not happen this month.

i think my cervix just gave me a ping. AF must be getting close.

feeling good with my decision.

2009-07-09T16:50:00.003-04:00

so after my moody monday and feeling all out o sorts with this round, i've taken a deep breath and said "c'est la vie" and decided no use continuing to freak out. i still kept coming back to the home insemination idea even though i know based on everything the RE has told me, it doesn't make sense. except it still keeps knocking around in my brain. i got to the point where i actually called my mom to try and bounce some o this off her. she wants me to pursue IVF, but i had to explain to her that the doctor says that isn't an option due to my low response. i explained about the injectables cycle and the cost not just of the meds, but also the ultrasounds. being her usual over-generous self, she offered to write me a check for which ever course i decided to pursue.

by tuesday morning, i pretty much woke up with the decision in my head to try the home insemination for a few months while focusing on acupuncture. after all, it can't hurt, right? i relistened to the Choice Moms podcast on the subject, just to make sure i had my numbers right on sperm viability (yes, 12 to 24 hours for frozen sperm with vaginal inseminations; 6-8 hours for frozen then washed IUI). needles to say my acupuncturist is over the moon with my decision.

she was also rather pleased to hear that yes, for the first time with certainty, i have achieved easily identifiable fertile CM. the things you get excited about in this process, right? i told her of the timing disaster and the lack of any clear LH surge. i decided that it was the FertiliTea i started drinking this cycle -- i think vitex/chasteberry is just *not* for me. especially once i did more reading and confirmed that yes indeedy, it lowers FSH *and* LH be reducing estrogen. this would explain my skin deciding to break out again the past couple of weeks. baby, i need the estrogen, and the FSH/LH around to do their job.

oh, and on this second IUI this cycle, i did have some spotting. dr. G, the acupuncturist seemed pleased with that until i explained to her that it is normal, and the nurse i had was not the best. but, most interesting of monday was that when i woke up, cervix was waaaaay up high. by afternoon, it had dropped significantly. i don't know if this is a sign of okay timing after all, or my "hey, sailor, new in town?" cervix not liking the less than graceful approach of the nurse that day.

still lacking is a clear temp spike. we had that awesome dip to a temp lower than any prior temp ever on sunday. but no jump above coverline on monday. in fact today (thursday) is the first day for me above coverline. sure, i's just gone up since sunday, but i still say something funky happened with ovulation or lack there of. i'll just have to see how the rest of my temps pan out this cycle.

but i've pretty much decided i'm not in a 2ww at this point. and i m going to blow off my bloodwork for progesterone and the beta as well. why pay $200 for a screwed up cycle? heck, why pay $200 for *any* cycle. after all a) i know i don't have progesterone issues, so i don't care about that test, and b) you'll know in two weeks whether you are pregnant or not. after reading horror stories about some "beta dances" with the obsessive tracking of the number, i don't really care to join in. if at some point i do get pregnant and the beta drops, then i'd rather miscarry that way naturally rather than having to go in for blood draws and worrying what the numbers are.

it's so strange. i'm usually such a good patient, and the first to jump on board with a doctor's suggestions. but for this i'm being all touch-feely airy-fairy. maybe it's my attempt to make this as close to "natural" and "normal", despite the fact i'm going it alone. i wouldn't be going through all of this if i had a partner unless it was past the 1 year of trying with no luck point. why add in one more level of stress in something that is doubly stressful already for single women.

so there we are. and i feel really, really good with my decisions.

(and yes, i know, if by some funky miracle of crazy miracles i end up pregnant on this screwed-up cycle, it would be so cool. it's a fun thought, but i'm not making any wishes about it.)

oh, and...

2009-07-06T21:23:00.002-04:00

i got an email from the counselor i was required by the clinic to see back in March. she was checking in to see how i was doing and if i was interested in a support group. i'll give a big "hell, yes" to that.

how to flush money down the toilet

2009-07-06T20:49:00.003-04:00

or up your who-hah, in this case. completely jumped the gun on the LH surge. with no temp spike this morning, and a now getting darker OPK test strip, i frantically called the clinic and asked to speak to a nurse regarding today's IUI to see if we could wait for my temp surge. i got no call back. after a half hour, i called the IVF lab to let them know and ask them to hold off prepping the sample.

literally 5 minutes too late. ::insert fouls language here accompanied by massive crying jag::

as i was curled up sobbing on my bed, ranting at the unfairness of the universe, i was really reminded about what sucks doing this on your own -- there is now one there to hold you as you lose it. there is no phone call you can make to someone who really totally gets it. it just completely and totally sucks. and makes you cry all the harder and rant at the universe for additional reasons.

so i went in for the hopeless IUI part deux. the nurse gave me a coupon for a free 300 pen of Folistim that i can use with the Bravelle protocol for the next cycle. that is, if i decide to jump right into medicated.

i came home and curled up with my laptop and a box of Kleenex and started comparing length of viability on ICI vs. IUI prepped post-thaw samples. the 4 hour window my IVF lab is giving me for their IUI prep makes me find it pretty flipping impossible that anyone can time an IUI correctly and have it be successful. i know i heard that the ICI samples do better - maybe even up to 24 hours. so once again, i got to thinking.

maybe i'll wait a few cycles before jumping into the injectables. yes, my ovaries suck and have hardly any eggs. but clearly, for the 18 months i've been off the pill, i am ovulating. my cycles are like clockwork, complete with night sweats during my leautal phase (which is quite long, thanks) which to me says oh, hai thare progesterone. gee, you're produced by a corpus luteum, right? you only get those when you actually ovulate.

so what if for the next few cycles i stick with the acupuncture and decide to do this on my own at home. what the hell -- the sperm alone is expensive, but not nearly as expensive as adding in another $1K for the office IUI, plus the cost of the blood work, and then the cost of the injectables. i know my donor has ICI samples, but i may also go back and check my other contenders against the donor sibling registry just out of curiosity. or, i wonder if the bank would tell me who out of choices had the best numbers.

it may be crazy, but something keeps pulling me back to this idea. i know after everything the doctor said, it shouldn't be an option, but why do i keep thinking it is? (oh, i know, because what i really need is fresh not frozen, and things would probably work!)

as always, feedback and thoughts on this are welcome.

because i am an idiot

2009-07-05T08:14:00.002-04:00

i can't tell if i had my LH surge last night. did a test, left it in the bathroom, and freaking forgot about it until 3 hours later. looked like there had been a dark line. this morning's test? almost nothing for a line. tests previous to last night had all been light as well, so it isn't like i was coming down from the false positive of lingering clomid.

the part that i am really freaking kicking myself about is that i could have done another test last night when i remembered 3 hours later since i PIAC, rather than POAS. but no, i figured line wasn't dark enough and cleaned everything up.

so i'm looking at past charts, trying to read other signs and figure out was the surge last night, or would i be jumping the gun if i call this morning for an IUI. my temp did a big time dip this morning (pre ovulation sign). cervix is uber high and almost out of reach for the past few days (pre ovulation sign). CM is impossible to read as ever, so no help there. last month on clomid, ovulation was on CD13 (today is CD12 ...hmmm). my little electronic charting calendar is predicting ovulation on tuesday, but i try not to go by that one (it has been right in the past though. argh!).

i don't want to screw up this cycle, but then again if i do, maybe i'm meant to miss it. i have 5 minutes to decide what i'm doing...

don't count your chickens...

2009-06-29T19:31:00.003-04:00

... because you may not have any eggs.

yeah. i've kind of been silent regarding the fun that was Friday's scan and consult because i've been a big huge mess about it. still am, so i'm just going to blurt this out and run and spare you all the ranting and raving.

uterus is healthy and lovely. perfect nest for a baby. left ovary looks ago. a decent size cyst on it, but nothing to keep me out of the running. 2 antral follicles. yes. 2.

right ovary is half the size of the left. approximately 1 third of that is covered under a haze that the doctor is interpreting as endo scarring. 3 antral follicles. no evidence that i've ovulated from that side.

so a grand total of 5. and i can ovulate. i just have nothing to respond to meds to try and help my chances, and hey, if there are only 5, the RE is telling me they have to be crap quality. ICI on my own at home? might as well burn the money.

kids, this is what happens when you have an autoimmune disease running rampant in your life since you were about 10.

so, was left with the option to try an injectable cycle to see if i would respond at all, but if i don't, that's the end of the line. since it was already late on CD3 and a friday, i decided i didn't want the quick, choose your online pharmacy now so we can have these delivered by courier to you tomorrow route, and asked for one more clomid cycle.

and i may or may not take a break (or three) before the cycle after and injectables. i'm trying to remind myself i haven;t been feeling healthy that long. maybe this can be reversed -- is being reversed. more time may be what i need. just don't feel like i have any.

so, there we are as to the source of my crying jags of late. under more control today, but still feeling pretty crapped on by my life. (pity, party of 1 over in this corner.) just barely holding off the urge to go get a giant hot fudge sundae and say screw it all.

CD1. again.

2009-06-24T08:40:00.003-04:00

well, a couple hours after i posted yesterday, i realized, hey, wow, these are some pretty intense cramps. yep, AF decided to make a late afternoon appearance, and with a force which only confirmed my suspicions that the endo is back and spreading. so i went ahead and called over to the clinic to schedule the baseline scan. turns out the RE has also requested a follow up consult with me, so that is scheduled as well. Friday will be a day started and ended at the clinic, with my scan at 7 am, and the RE appointment at 4 pm.

at least yesterday i got to end the day with acupuncture. let me tell you, acupuncture on the day you start your period with craps from hell is an amazing and wonderful thing. once she got the needle "zinging" and the heat lamp centered on my belly (oh dear goddess, yes) i was left alone with my thoughts that were still going a million miles an hour.

i had filled in Dr. G (my acupuncturist) on my thoughts and ideas of doing things at home, possibly on a natural cycle, just with a heck of a lot more herbs. she of course is all for that. she also let me know that she knows several local gynies who will do natural (unmedicated) IUIs if for some reason that is a better option. but right now, i'm going to focus on CM this cycle, and start getting that in better shape. she's convince that even at my age, it is possible.

so even though i'm usually out like a light during acupuncture, the brain was just too full and busy last night. took a lot of time and listening to the meditation playing to finally get myself to calm and start to drift. of course by then, Dr. G was back, and had me roll over o she could do some work on my low back for the end, which is clearly back in its favorite haunts of the back of uterus and my bowels.

all i can say is no cramps today, and i slept absolutely blissfully last night. i feel much better than i did on monday. yeah, it ended up being rather rough on monday, most likely because the massage therapist said the wrong phrase to me in what was an attempt to comfort, but it just shreds me to little pieces: "it wasn't meant to be." thanks. i don't like having to suck that up in hole left by a missing relationship in my life; i'll be damned if i have to live with that for another hole where a relationship with a child should be.

so at least last night i was able to remind myself that i was not broken, and this cant be forced. it is simply abut being open and healthy and ready, and letting it happen. another cycle, back on all the supplements, and ready to grow some more healthy eggies.

::sigh::

2009-06-23T14:13:00.004-04:00

BFN.

i knew it was coming since i hadn't had a secondary temp spike, but what is most likely allergies had me thinking i'd won the lottery with being utterly knackered, food tasting off, constant upset stomach, and low grade headache. of course at 5:15 am yesterday, you probably all heard my frustrated yell of "F&*^!!" as my temp dropped from it's 5 day streak of 98.4 to 98.2, despite me bundling myself in multiple layers before heading to bed.

so i'm a faced with a decision right now. the nurse who called yesterday told me to call back on CD1 to schedule my baseline scan for the next cycle. bwuh? i asked was this DC3 bloodwork or a sonogram. she said a sonogram since after medicated cycles they need to check for any cysts and see if you need to take a break. i explained that, hi, i'm single and thus uninsured for such things, and no, had not had one done previously. she seemed highly confused and read through my chart, but still insisted it was SOP to do a scan, but she'd put a note on my file, so when i called they could let me know if it was actually necessary.

of course part of me would love to have the scan done because i'd like to know just what shape my right ovary is in, and if half of it is missing (or it's just shriveled up like some forlorn raisin) as my RE said the bloodwork had her thinking.

my checkbook on the other hand is hiding in the corner whimpering at this point at the mere thought of one more fertility related bill to pay. doesn't help that i smacked it around earlier this morning with an OMG, i need more fertility help spending spree for FertileCM support, FertilityBlend and FertiliTea (because obviously the 6 million supplements and teas i'm already taking have not done anything for me).

i'm also toying with the idea of one last IUI at the clinic, and if that doesn't work, switching to ICI on my own. of course, that may be completely insane given my age and fertility workup. which is where a scan revealing antral follicle count and all the rest could really be enlightening and help decide if i would be throwing my money away on sperm or not. and then there is the question of doing the ICI unmedicated, or talking the RE into clomid while i do this.

because, hey, i do obviously respond and ovulate with the clomid. but then i went and read this article on our amazing ovaries and how they really work.

i followed it up with this article on how thinking too much and overanalyzing everything in this journey does not help. well, duh. i then made myself try and focus on actual work. for about a whole 15 minutes before staring into space and slowly sliding back to the internets.

anyway, i'd love to hear opinions of those who are, ahem, more mature and facing some challenges with conceiving, but managed to do it at home. is it worth saving the $850+ in clinic fees a month? am i looking at better or worse odds?

no news

2009-06-17T10:32:00.003-04:00

in case you were curious, i am a big chicken and did not POAS because i convinced my brain as been playing trick on me. i've had one nightsweat during this 2ww when my usual for my luteal phase is every night. no secondary temp spike. boobs feel normal (yes, there is a rash, but i did change soaps last week, and no the rash is only on my boobs but that means nothing). food tastes funny and i don't feel great after eating in the morning, but all of these are symptoms of a normal function Single Hussy. since i was a kid, food would change tastes on me, and morning and foods were a no go.

instead, i'm going to just wait until my test on monday, and am pretty much prepping myself for a disappointment again. i know the RE wants to schedule another consult with me. i may ask her if i can try several round of ICI on my own. clearly, with the help of a little clomid, i am ovulating -- and am likely ovulating even without the clomid. my only abnormality was the super high FSH -- everything else was normal. and i got to wondering, how may couples try and get pregnant and never know FSH levels. they could be high, but since couples don't usually consult an RE until an extended period of trying with no results, we really don't know. i think i should be allowed some trying time before changing to a more aggressive protocol. as one of the triers on the SMC board quipped, her only fertility problem is lack of regular access to sperm.

plus, i'd love the whole pressure of blood testing/any testing off my psyche at the moment. to just try and now go bonkers in the 2ww and just see what happens.

i don't know. this could all be a giant mood swing, but yes, again, that is a normal functioning Single Hussy!

insane person ahead. you might want to cross the street.

2009-06-15T13:47:00.004-04:00

i do not remember being this much of a spaz during my first 2ww. then again, i don't remember having such itchy boobs that i didn't care if i was at work, my hand is going in my bra to try and get some relief.

so even though they didn't call me after my progesterone test for IUI#1, they just called with today's level (40.40). not as stellar as the "over 60" i had last time, but still, according to all those online charts (someone needs to take my internets away), it is damned good. damned good for a medicated cycle. damned good for first trimester.

so of course i spot the hCG levels chart below, and they are giving a level for 10dpo. whoa. that soon? so i of course go over to check the site where i got my pregnancy test strips to see their sensitivity level. yeah, so their sensitivity level is at 20mlU/ml/hCG and say you can test as early as 6 to 8 dpo

i can see it coming. i'm going to try and stop my insanity and POAS tomorrow morning. i'll be disappointed, but oh, if it could stop the why are my boobs so dammed itchy? are my nipples darker? where are all these zits coming from? moment, it may be worth it.

in.sane. completely totally barking. (does this mean i'm having mood swings as well?)

argh!!

2009-06-14T18:29:00.002-04:00

add insanely itchy breasts to the tricks my mind is causing my body to play on me. still think i have a couple more days to see a secondary BBT spike. that is what i would *love* to see. though the BBT so far is a lovely steady climb -- and higher this morning than any previous cycle. my acupuncturist is going to be stoked when she sees my chart tomorrow.

don't know if i will POAS this time round. i have a bunch of tests, but in a way, i don't want to know if it is negative. on the other hand, when we get to that point next weekend, i may be completely insane and need to know.

i'm trying not to jinx myself by feeling positive on this one, but something in the back of my head is just going there. maybe its a little sprog talking to me...

TMI moment coming, y'all...

2009-06-13T19:38:00.002-04:00

... but then, that's why we are here, right?

have been trying not to over-analyze my body this early after IUI (6dpiui today). but had a WTH? moment (or two) while hiking today, in the form of fertile quality cervical mucus. like uber-egg-white that i never actually get. and massive amounts of it.

the boobs are getting a bit tender, but i figure that can be pretty common in this part of the cycle, but i was curious in regards to the CM.

Increased Vaginal Discharge.

From 7 days post ovulation (one week post conception).

If you have an increase in the amount of vaginal discharge after Ovulation this can be a predictor of pregnancy. Many pregnant women report fertile type or creamy discharge.

um, okay. i think i need to chalk this up to my body's amazing ability to generate progesterone, right? (oh, hello, night sweats to beat the band last night. how i never, ever miss you.) i probably just ovulated the hell out of my left ovary and have corpus luteum having a big old party.

yep. let's stay logical and sane here.

though i gave karma another huge target today by going on a more strenuous than expected hike today.

IUI#2, part the second

2009-06-09T12:31:00.003-04:00

sorry, don't mean to turn into Ms. Posty McPants here, but i figured some answers to questions and potentially hopeful news was in order. and thanks for meandbaby for the encouragement on the 7mil. i like hearing those kinds of stories!

so i had two burning questions for the nurse today during my IUI. first, hiking a local mountain this weekend, yea or nay? she gave me the yea, as long as i stay hydrated. the culprit after IUI is anything involving jumping about, and it doesn't have to do with conception, more the state of swollen ovaries and the risk of torsion. big concern for those on stims. me and my 50 mg of clomid, not so much.

my second question had to do with the timing of the IUIs given my ovulation/temp spike overnight. she said that was absolutely perfect, and just what they are shooting for. whew! feel much better about that.

today's number was 24mil. now, she also explained something on the report and numbers that 'm being given. the is a % of motility after wash, but that total count (7 mil, 24 mil) is only of motile swimmers after the wash. today was 40% motility with a resulting 24mil actual swimmers. in my mind, that makes the 7mil of yesterday seem much, much better. i had been thinking only 23% of the 7mil were showing any attempt to make an effort. 7mil raring to go puts me in a whole new frame of mind.

the nurse (we'll call her Babs) today was awesome -- she is the head RN for the clinic whom i met with as part of my first visit with the RE, and she walks you through charting and the whole coordinating with the cryobank and the clinic. just one of those people who gives off a great vibe. not that the entire clinic staff hasn't been wonderful. i love how they ask at every IUI if you know if you need a special speculum, and has there been a problem with your cervix in any prior IUI. considering some of the horror stories others have shared, it makes very appreciative

of course i'm now at the point of laughing about that when they ask since my cervix is apparently of the hey sailor, new in town? variety. two nurses have now literally exclaimed "wow, you're easy!" while feeding in the catheter. there's something about hearing that as you are in the ever dignified position of feet in stirrups and butt hanging off the edge of the table that cracks me up.

okay, i guess i'm officially back in the 2ww.

worries and doubts and voices in my head

2009-06-09T08:22:00.005-04:00

i'm a swirl of various things right now, so excuse me as i try and sort them out up here.

first off, yesterday's IUI went off without a hitch. well, except for the numbers of the swim-team, that is. on my first IUI, day 1's numbers were 53 mil with 45% motility, but day 2 dropped to a shocking 7 mil with 30% motility. still, i figured 60 mil total was good.

yesterday, no so good. 7 mil with 23% motility. the nurse seemed surprised, and then tried to assure me that pregnancies happened with worse numbers. yeah, but remember we have my pathetic eggs in this mix as well. thinking these numbers were not what my bank promised, i called them yesterday afternoon and explained the situation. they weer shocked and concerned as well, but said that a substandard report had not been filled by my RE's lab so that it could be investigated and options pursued. remember, i'm starting with ICI samples, so my clinic's wash is the only one they are getting -- my numbers should be a hell of a lot better -- at least 10mil, more likely 15mil.

so i have a call into the my clinic's cryobank so i can get them to submit that paperwork. and i'm thinking that if today is bad numbers as well, i may have to go for the back-up donor. ETA: and the clinic's lab just called me and said they would get the paperwork filled out and faxed today and give me a call to let me know when it had been faxed so i can also call and follow up with the cryobank.

needless to say, i tried not to focus on this too much yesterday, and had my massage therapy in the evening, and she gave me a full body work-up to get the blood flowing, and worked fertility/conception triggers. i have acupuncture tonight after found 2 today, so i at least feel like i'm doing everything that i can on my end.

except for the second niggling worry in the back of my head -- my timing. i keep thinking i should have called to go in Sunday morning, despite the negative OPK that morning. other signs were there, and gee, wouldn't you know last night as i went to bed, i clearly felt ovulation start on my left side (my right side seems to be completely defunct after all). temp rise this morning confirmed it, so i almost feel like today is a waste -- won't it be 12 hours after? what's the point? other signs (cervix and mucus) also had shifted by last night, where as friday, saturday and sunday were clearly doing the rah!rah! we're ready right now! dance for me. next month -- if i have to do this next month -- i may go more with my gut instinct and see if i can't jump things a day early.

and so now for me getting all touchy-feely. you've been warned....

after all this doubt and niggling, last night when i went to bed, i read some more of Spirit Babies (which has been a really interesting read -- some folks would say kooky and out there, but my theory is hey, we don't know everything about the Universe, shut up and at least listen for fun). i had managed a great meditation on saturday when drifting in that should i nap state, actually feeling a flow of energy around my hips reaching and expanding out. i thought my welcoming mantra, reaching out for my child. last night after reading and turning of the light, i immediately felt that energy around my hips again, without even trying. again those welcoming thoughts for my child, and i suddenly realized i was thinking of the child as "him" (i've always tried to keep my thoughts gender neutral), and as i realized this with a bit of shock, i felt almost a joyous laugh and acknowledgment in that energy around my hips. like i said, kind of kooky, but very real in the moment, and enough to make tears of happiness spring to my eyes. today i'm staying focused on that, that feeling, that presence, and that positive power i have in myself.

wow, i can't wait for acupuncture tonight to meditate on this some more, and let all the worries wash away.

well, my predictions are off these days

2009-06-08T08:22:00.004-04:00

finally had a + OPK last night. it was negative again this morning, which confirms that yes, i do have an insanely short LH surge. just called the lab at the RE clinic, and the swim team is being roused from sleep for a meeting today at 11.

start thinking those fertile and nice egg meets nice sperm thoughts.

forgot to mention that last week i got dragged to a karate class by a co-worker. no, i'm not the karate or kickboxing type, but it was an open house, and i figured, what the heck. co-worker D and co-worker M were both going to be there, so let's have some fun.

i am apparently a bit of a natural when it come to hitting things. and kicking things. and i kept up the whole way with an insanely intense cardio class. me 3 months ago would never have been able to do it. never. the changes in how i feel are just amazing, and after class, D and M and i were sitting around talking about that, the stress of our jobs, etc., etc., they were asking about my yoga and my acupuncture, and no, they didn't know about my plans. D may of had an inkling as we talked maybe a year ago about adoption and such. but for some reason, that night, i looked at the both of them, and said, "okay, please don't say anything, but...." and gave them the details.

neither flinched or acted surprised. in fact, M started talking about how she's going to be 40 soon, and she really has changed her mind about having kids, and also knows she is not interested at all in being married. i could tell she is deep in the throes of thinking of taking this step. i've got my fingers crossed for her that she decides to take that leap. i would be so nice to have someone local heading into this much the same time as me!

missing: one LH surge

2009-06-05T21:31:00.002-04:00

if my temp spikes tomorrow, i'm going to be really, really annoyed.

per clomid cycle protocol, i started OPK testing on CD10. slightly dark that a.m. and has gotten progressively lighter since. i've got uber bloat and all kinds of ovary cramping for 2 days now.

per my past charts (clomid cycles) my surge should be here tomorrow (CD12). not even a faint line tonight on the OPK.

::sigh:: if the cycle is missed, it is for a reason. just relax and ride it out.

(yeah, right...)

and i thought it was just me!!

2009-06-02T12:05:00.003-04:00

discovered via Me and Baby's blog: Fertility Socks!

and here i thought i was the kooky one who decided to wear funky over-the-knee socks to all my procedures just to keep things fun. and they are a good conversation starter -- the crew at the HSG lab loved them!

i'm already worrying about what ones to where for the next IUI, which could be as soon as Friday. eep! acupuncturist gave me her cell number so i can call and she can do work on me right after. when i mentioned it might be on the weekend, she was trying to think what she was had planned. i snickered and said i had a date planned.

yup. i'm insane, and figured fate needed one mo er good reason to bless me with a baby, so i said yes when a friend asked if she could introduce me to her son. we've been talking a bit, but i figured i'll save the "oh, hey, did you know i might be pregnant?" line for a bit later. ;)

hey, you never know when life is going to present you with the right moment. i might as well try and seize all of them at once.

2009-05-31T18:25:00.002-04:00

one of the women on the SMC mail list shared a mantra she used while going through the TTC journey, and it really put word to the thoughts that fill my meditation. as a reminder to myself to make this my mantra, i decided to combine it with one of my favorite photos of a very longed and fought for child.

it is printed out and i can't stop looking at it.

for those of you on this crazy TTC with me, please feel free to snag and use as you need.

favorite things

2009-05-29T22:45:00.002-04:00

i love every other night when i get to warm my tummy with the castor oil compress and heating pad. i'm just a puddle of happy, blissful, unstressed goo right now.

i wish i could do it every night, but we want to warm and waken the eggs, not bake them...

and yes, when i'm not nodding off to sleep, i will share the super supplement green smoothie for goddesses.

let's get this show on the road

2009-05-26T10:07:00.004-04:00

as of today, the break is over. actually, learned this last night as i was late racing out the door to massage. well, that was a bit early and unexpected, but explained the mystery tummy ache all day as well as the sneak-attack by a two hour nap. instantly, the horde of butterflies was back in my belly. but seeing as a very special and dear friend confirmed her pregnancy yesterday morning, i'll take the signs where i can find them. after all, if this amazing woman can achieve it, then so can i!

i will confess that this month off to heal the body has been rough and not full of all positive signs as i expected. my temps in my leutal phase were just a bit too scattered for my (and my acupuncturist's) taste. and i just felt "off" the entire month. i'm hoping that this is all due to a massive case of seasonal allergies (oof, it has been a *rough* spring in the northeast!) playing haywire with my antihistamine free body.

so i'm on migraine watch today, and so far, so good. i'll be seeing the acupuncturist on thursday, and also starting the clomid that day. and i promise to be diligent about my yoga practice this month. i mean it!

despite last month's rocky road of time off, i did have one huge confirmation of things heading in the right direction at my annual gynie check. Dr. D. is such a sweetie, and my biggest (okay, well one of many) cheerleader by far. after the nurse confirmed the 25 pound weight loss since last year (go me!), and my blood pressure checked in at a cool 90/60, Dr. D. walked in and said that he had spotted me walking in the office and had to do a double take. "You look 5 years younger than you did when I saw you last year. That means one thing -- it's the big E." yes, after years of trying to suppress my body's over-abundance of estrogen to keep the endo at bay, it is now ramped back up and in his words, causing a "glow of fertility" in my skin and face. and also helping to nip my waist back in. it's playing hell with me being able to keep my too large jeans in place, but i'll take it!

Dr. D. is pleased as punch to hear of my work with the acupuncturist, and wanted to make sure that i was still working with her during my break. he was also thrilled with Dr. W.'s news on my progesterone numbers, and that i went from being a poor responder to an awesome responder in a mere month. he reminded me that he referred me to her because she is a realist, but that when she is pleased and happy with something, it is huge.

so here we are, ready to try again. and with everyone around me suddenly pregnant, i'll remind myself of the big goal when i dawdle over eating my walnuts (yes, they are still ick to me), or hesitate to dive into eating that avocado half. thank goodness my green smoothies remain a tasty wonder of supplements... hmm, i should really share that recipe!

my body mocks my decisions

2009-05-10T13:19:00.002-04:00

seeing as i wasn't really conformable with the OPKs last cycle, part of taking this cycle off was to get more used to using them and reading them.

but i am not amused with the fact that i get my LH surge on mother's day. way to go in making me think i was wrong in taking this cycle off from trying. if is had been before 8:30 am (and not 9:00 am), i probably would have called the REs to have them prep my vials and schedule the IUI for today and tomorrow, not being on clomid be damned.

oh, well. time to do some stress reducing yoga instead and stop doubting myself. and reading too much into signs and portents....

changes and charges

2009-05-04T16:05:00.003-04:00

i had my first violent hormonal migraine attack in more than 10 years. despite three days of being in pain, puking, and doping myself out, i'm taking this as a positive sign that something somewhere in my hormone levels is shifting back to the young and fertile category.

but i'll tell you, all i wanted was an ice-cold regular Coke to guzzle down and chase away the sharp edge of the pain. but between the sugar, the caffeine (oh, that silver bullet for my migraines) and the ice-cold temp, it was a no-no. not that i'm so sure the migraine meds were much better.

despite this crazy all meat, full fat eating that the acupuncturist has me doing, i stepped on the scale this weekend to discover another 5 pounds have vanished. i'm wondering if i really should go out and buy new pants and belts (i honestly look ridiculous with the way jeans are fitting of late) to help temp fate and getting pregnant. hmm, maybe i should also pull out the "fat pants" pile and go ahead and give them away instead of holding on to them for when i have a belly. this is obviously what is keeping me from getting knocked up....

but best news of all today was that the $720 bill i received for my HSG was an error. i called my insurance company since the explanation of benefits wasn't lining up with the bill amount. come to find out, i actually had three different claims for that date, she found the one that matched my bill, and confirmed that no, except for the $30 co-pay, they had paid it. called the hospital network billing department. they are completely befuddled as to why i got a bill since they are showing it submitted for a claim. they said to ignore the bill, i'm good for now.

ten minutes out of my day to make a couple phone calls, no big deal. especially pleased since the doctor was pretty sure i was going to have to pay for the procedure out of pocket, but come to find out, the insurance says it is diagnostic and not asking any questions. hurrah!

but really, i'm okay!

2009-04-28T20:29:00.002-04:00

between yesterday and today, i've had a lot of sympathetic looks, and "gosh, i'm so sorry!" from folks when they found out that the BFN was official. i don't know if i wasn't expecting that, or if the fact that i've been pretty sure for a week now that i wasn't pregnant makes it feel ... odd to be comforted. or more accurate, odd to be so elated.

i'm elated because i showed that in just a few short weeks, i turned my body around from poor responder, likely not ovulating to multiple follicles ovulated from. it was confirmation of everything i was thinking and hoping about the end of last week when i finally realized i needed to slow down, focus just on my body right now, and then be ready to tackle trying again.

yeah, it kind of sucks to still have to POAS every morning when you know it is going to negative, and some silly part of me all through last week was hoping that "this will be the morning" that the stick changes, when hello, i was clearly lacking in the secondary temp jump on my chart.

i'm energized, i'm at peace, i'm calm and sure of what i'm doing. yes, it was a negative. but a negative with good news. and come on, even for young couples in their 20s with no fertility issues only have 25% chance of getting pregnant each cycle. a woman in optimum health and fertility is looking at about a 15% chance with IUI. so i dropped to a 5%. but that to me is still 5% of YES. YES is can happen, YES it will happen, but you have to be patient. and i know that and am fine with it. that 5% may even be expanding now. it just is so much easier to look at this, take a deep breath, and just let it go. no stress, because what is meant to be, when it is meant to be, will be.

the official BFN

2009-04-27T14:29:00.003-04:00

thanks for everyone who was rooting for a first shot miracle, but as i expected, the blood work showed a BFN today. not too surprising since a) my temps didn't show that tri-phasic jump, and b) no + on those sticks i've been testing.

(and what fun -- i get to continue POAS until AF shows up for the testing protocal...)

good news in speaking with the nurse in that Dr. W was very pleased with my blood test results as far as the progesterone, as it indicated that i was in fact responding to the clomid and clearly had a couple follicle i ovulated from. for a progesterone reading where they want to see a 10, i had a 60. this explains the past 4 nights of crazy night sweats. i'll be glad when those corpus luteum leave town -- by my charts, i've got a few more rough nights in store.

i let them know i was going to take next cycle off to get my body in better shape. they said no problem, and that Dr. W had approved me for a couple my tries on the current protocal (50 mg clomid, no trigger) when i was ready.

off to brew up some tension tamer tea to remind myself to keep the stress at bay, and gee, i guess i put those DHEA tablets in my pocket today for a reason. :)

nothing to report

2009-04-24T22:16:00.004-04:00

3 days of POAS for science and nadda. i'm sure the blood test on monday will confirm things. i've been doing a lot of thinking and worrying in this 2ww, mostly about the health of my body. i'm frustrated and anxious that the herbs and supplements and teas i had been on, i can't take. i worry that one i get my period and can start them up again, that short period before ovulation is not enough time to boost up these rusty ovaries. i feel helpless, like i'm not doing enough, or am not dedicated enough.

so at acupuncture this morning, i expressed this to my doctor, all in a voice and manner i could tell was one fraught with anxiety. i was really regretting not having my usual cup of tension tamer tea as i seem to be a bit more mellow with it.

i told the doctor i think i needed to slow down and take a break next cycle. i need to focus more on my body and getting it where it needs to be with all the herbs and supplements that i can't use if i'm possibly pregnant, or trying. as i was saying it, i felt the tension start leaving my body, and a wave of calm settle in its place. i didn't need to her agreement at that point, i finally figured out what i needed.

so yes, next cycle i'm going to step back and focus on getting the body in optimum egg-producing mode. i'm going to continue to battle the stress hormone and find the balance that i need.

and i'm going to do more yoga. i've meant to this week, but i've just been so stinking tired every night that by the time i walk in the door, all i want to do it brush my teeth and crawl into bed. usually i love the quiet and calm of yoga in the next of my bedroom, stretching in the glow of the fairy lights i strung up over the window on a whim. it's my moment to decompress, thank my body and wow, does it get me ready to sleep. but i've not needed that help lately!

so tonight i'm in bed later than i should be (was off work today and slept for three hours this afternoon -- oops!). am nearly finished with Inconceivable, by Julie Indichova. absolutely love it, from her easy style to her story of overcoming secondary infertility at 42. of course i discovered in reading it this afternoon that Julie came to much the same conclusion i just did this morning -- slow down, step back and take a deep breath. rushing and pushing and fighting so hard with all the worry is doing no good.

yes, 40 is sitting right there for me, looming on the two week horizon. but it is a number. just like that FSH of 31. what matters more to me is the living. there is a great quote in Inconceivable that rang true with me: "pay attention to your dreams, for they are your letters from God."

i cannot tell you the number of dreams i've had since i was an early teen of being pregnant. of being pregnant and knowing that i didn't have a partner involved. when i was a teen, needless to say those dreams scared the bejeebers out of me. by the time i was in my 20s and had already heard from my gyn that pregnancy may very well not be a possibility for me, they seemed like wishful thinking. they would hurt a bit, and in my usually fashion, i'd brush it of, building up a wall to that pain inside myself. in the last few years, those dreams were clearly a vocation for me, making me stop and wonder if i was choosing the right path to becoming a mother, and yet confirming in some sense that doing this on my own had always been in the cards.

i'm one of those people who puts a lot of power and strength into dreams and sorting through their meaning. the subconscious is a powerful and complicated beast, and it does have a heck of a lot of wisdom to impart, so i'll stop and listen to it's wacky ramblings to sort things out. it's work for me well in the past, and now, now it is a pull of hope. and that is something everyone on this journey needs.

staying somewhat sane

2009-04-20T14:57:00.005-04:00

sane for me is a long-shot anyway. i've spent the past week being all over the map on where i feel things are and what results will be. i've had nights of wonderful joyous dreams, only to be followed by a night full of nightmares. i've been embracing my incredible bloated belly -- when not feeling that it is nothing more than crap eating with too much sugar in the diet. i'm now reaching the point of trying so hard to look/not look for any signs that i've turned myself off of food as of last night. everything tastes off, and nothing sits right in the tummy. (to the point that i just tried to eat a nibble of chocolate and was so icked by the taste i spit it out. go figure.)

my subconscious, it is such a prankster.

but wonderful Nurse L. just called to let me know that my bloodwork from this morning is "awesome" and my body is doing an amazing job at producing progesterone.

this isn't really a surprise since i usually spend my entire luteal phase waking up with night sweats from the little furnace my innards turn in to. still, trying not to be too prepare for the worst with this since, hey, it's freaking good news!

Wait, wait, wait...

2009-04-14T19:27:00.001-04:00

Just testing photo posts from the phone. Sorry all, looks like you will be subjected to a snapshot journey log as well. This was several weeks ago as I was waiting to meet with the RE and go over my test results.

and here i said i wouldn't be a nutter in my 2ww

2009-04-14T19:05:00.003-04:00

that was before i headed over for IUI part 2 today, and a nurse approached me and asked if i would like to be part of a research study for a new at home early pregnancy test. what the heck. i wasn't going to go crazy on the POAS simply because the fear of disappointment is so huge. but no, i get to do two a day from CD21 on....

what is even cooler is they provides all the supplies, including the ClearBlue Easy that is being tested against. this and compensated at the end?

so of course now that i've allowed myself the POAS during the wait, you know i'm going to be obsessing over early pregnancy signs. damn this internet and glut of information at my fingertips!

of course i'm all a flutter at the moment since for the entire afternoon it has felt like my uterus is having a wrestling match with my bladder. either that, or it's a rowdy frat party in there with them waiting for a chick to jump out of a cake. oh, hey, that is what's going on! we got a party of 60mil on board and with any luck, at least one hot looking healthy chick headed their way.

or, it could be my completely weak and stressed out caving and consuming of the last small piece of heavily frosted chocolate cake left in the kitchen at work. i should have stopped after the first bite and i was overloaded by the richness of gluten/sugar/chocolate. mm, hmm. you saw that weak and stressed above, right?

numbers for today's specimen were not as good as yesterday. 53mil yesterday as compared to 7mil today. i know 60 is a good total, but sill, quite a difference. motility is still excellent. i'm hoping it isn't an issue to be revised with a subsequent IUI unless that is T42.

i did finally get in touch with the acupuncturist (what's this spring vacation stuff?) and have an appointment thursday morning. another appointment to finesse at work. i think i'm definitely going to have to be in the office this weekend to pull off this week.

for now, i think i need to go change into comfy clothes, light up a stick of the uber-expensive incense i brought home from japan, and do my fertility yoga and meditate. i'm focusing on thoughts of doing the impossible, and having the clinic be floored with getting a pregnancy for someone who had an FSH of 31...

to doubt or not to doubt....

2009-04-14T05:33:00.002-04:00

despite me fears that i had someone planned my first meeting with the swim-team a bit too early based on other signs and inability to closely read an OPK, i had a temperature bump this morning. so unless falling asleep with the heating pad on my belly last night for an extra 1/2 hour had anything to do with it, maybe i was on time after all. just barely.

so i got to meet Nurse L. yesterday, honorary aunt to many a pregnancy and darn proud of it. i teased her and asked if she had kept a record of her success on the first shot, because i wanted to make sure i was dealing with the best. and yes, again, my kicky stripped over the knee socks were a total hit. Nurse L. loved them, and wanted to know what i had for pants and shoes (jeans and my usual Danskos). i was promptly dubbed as "so cool". ha! i always knew those kids in high school were just clueless.

the numbers on the swim team were quite good. post wash motility was 65% -- Nurse L. said the office considers a 45% as excellent. we went over the dozen double-checks in place to make sure my sample was the one being used, and she gave me the empty vial from the bank. just a little something for the baby-book, yes?

so i'll go in again today, and somehow find a way to get through the next 13 days, i'm sure the chaos of work will help with passing the time.

oh hai there LH surge

2009-04-13T10:32:00.002-04:00

could we pick two more hectic days to do this on??

first day testing at work and bam, looks darn positive to me (knew i should have just used one of the smiley faced ones). considering the sharp cramps i had yesterday, and the slowly creeping to more positive tests over the weekend, i really shouldn't be surprised.

waiting for dr.'s office to call me back. they want you to test between 7 am - 8:30 am (WTH?) so you call by 8:30 for prep and scheduling. fingers crossed this doesn't muck up the works.

oh, and in case you missed it, aaaaaaaack! <--- ::me trying not to flip out::

HSG

2009-04-09T09:17:00.002-04:00

today was my HSG, and first encounter with the actual main hospital of W&I on the sprawling campus of medical central, RI. of course last night i was reading again about the HSG procedure. a coworker who knows i'm venturing down this road (they went through their own infertility battle and have adopted a little cutie from China) winced when i mentioned i was having this done. she recounted her doctor's blunder in clamping her cervix and detail about the excruciating pain. and of course last night i'm reading up on it on th Stirrup Queens blog and the comments were crazy ("i've birth twins vaginally, and i've never experience such torture as the HSG!" "i passed out from pain!"). okay, then, maybe it is bad.

well, the tech and doctor were super nice. The doctor was even squeezing me in right after round since they were overbooked with HSG appointments. so i changed into my johnny, told the tech don't worry about slipper socks, i have socks covered, and i will be known for them. when i walked out in my blue-striped over the knee socks she laughed, and said her daughter gets to wear crazy socks like that with her school uniform, and told me about a sock shop i have to check out (Details on Thayer Street (of course!)).

oh, and i did forget to take the recommended pain meds an hour before the procedure. i figured this could get hairy for the rest of the day because of this, and was hating my air-brain that was all flustered with getting out of the house on time this morning.

so i'm expecting miserable terrible cramping pain, but really, one little twinge with the insertion of the catheter. some mild (uber-mild) discomfort with the die, and i gracefully tried to tirn from side to side for a full range of photos. but nothing that ranks up there with "wost menstrual cramps ever" that they warn you about. maybe all those years of endo were preparing me for something.

the verdict? i have a lovely healthy uterus, and sparkling clear tubes. finally, something positive going in my direction!

and i'm at work, and feel nothing. oh, maybe a slight i must of eaten something i shouldn't have but it will settle down in a second type of twinge, but seriously. worst pain ever? well, i've always said my pain threshold is kind of skewed.

so here i am, full of hope and promise and positive thoughts that this all will work. and i've got the bonus of the next three cycles after the HSG being the most fertile. acupuncture and herbs are going great, and my skin is getting super soft, my energy levels feel great, and i'm able to breath away any stress or worry much easier. next acupuncture will be after the second day IUI this month. which, should be sometime the end of next week. i really need to call over and find out if they do weekend appointments if you get your LH surge. i'm thinking that with the connection to the hospital, they must.

next week, more peeing on a stick (and while at work, no less!) to check for that LH surge. with the lovely incubator i've been told i have, and that long sticky luteal phase, this just has to work, right? ::thinks thoughts of great big lovely eggs::

finally!

2009-04-02T12:57:00.002-04:00

geez, 32 days? for me, varying more than a day is weird, so to be off by 5 days... i'm blaming the clomid, though in truth, i think it was more luteal phase that lengthened out to the max. this is a good and sticky sign.

message has been left with HSG scheduling. let the "omg" of fist cycle to try commence.

Knocked Up By A Test Tube

December 6

12 weeks

I haz a purchase!

Worst mommy ever?

2 months!

Trying to get back on the blog-wagon

so far, so good...

24 hour preganancy

progress on the foster-parent front

Throw open every door; you never know where someone intends to knock

Just because you have your feet in stirrups doesn't mean you have to take it lying down

drive-by posting

nothing much going on

ha ha, faked you out!

okay, my body is responding to *something*!

huh. Didn't expect that.

a quickie

crap

now for the rest of the story

::headdesk::

pulling myself back together

no go

14dpo

not sign stalking. really. honest

one week down....

craving the forbidden

paging LH surge, paging LH!

confessions

there is no sign as sure as a ruined pair of knickers

i finally ordered a pee cup

oh crud

8dpIUI

and here we are again

CD11

and we're back.

dear body:

still alive

no gift under my tree this year

2ww

eep!

missing in action

things that make you go hmmm....

and we have a winner!

road signs?

planning, planning, planning

IT'S GIVE-AWAY TIME!

getting back in the swing of things

there is a BFN lurking at the end of this week

1 week down, 1 to go

geek joy!

finger crossed very tight.

ack!

dear LH surge,

i saw this one coming last cycle

at least i have *some* luck!

1 week down, 1 to go

i cannot make this sh*t up

oh you have GOT to be kidding me

closer and closer...

i thought you said he was 6'2"!

so far so good, so far so good

how this jounrey changes you

downtime and looking for local SMCs

Houston, we have a problem

dear body,

BFN

waiting for Aunt Flow...

feeling good with my decision.

oh, and...

how to flush money down the toilet

because i am an idiot

don't count your chickens...

CD1. again.

::sigh::

no news

insane person ahead. you might want to cross the street.

argh!!

TMI moment coming, y'all...

IUI#2, part the second

okay, my body is responding to something!

at least i have some luck!